Friday, October 29, 2010

Aliens, Zombies, Transformers and Hotness

So pretty. So culturally aware.

Alright, people. Watch Community. Watch it!*

Last night was the best Halloween themed television episode I think I have ever seen.  It was well executed, hilarious and it contained fake zombies (okay, yes all zombies are fake but…whatever, shut up). There is nothing more you need in quality television.

When Troy came out dressed at Bumble Bee, Garrett shouted “He’s Bumble Bee! This show is awesome.” Yes, my super hip nephew, yes it is.

If you missed it, go to hulu and watch it. You won’t regret it. You have 24ish minutes in your day to spare, just watch it. If you don’t like it and you decide that you don’t want to the show any further…I don’t even know what to say to you.

And I need to say this and please forgive me for sounding like a tween on Team Jacob, but wowza…

Holy hot nerd. Donald Glover should be shirtless for at least a few minutes in every episode of Community. There is no way their ratings wouldn’t improve.   It’s a sexy nerd, man. I’ve got the vapors and shit. I can’t find any pictures of it as of yet, and I haven’t really put that much time into looking, but yeah. It was good stuff.

Donald, call me.

*I fully intend on devoting a blog to other reasons you should watch this show but this is all I can muster today. Just wait for it, its coming.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Someone Has to Teach Children Serial Killers aren't Real...oh...wait...

Michael Myers - kids love him

I have taken to calling myself “The Nanny.” Whenever random ass neighbors come knocking, or punk ass kids are trying to sell something, I just say “I am just the nanny…” and I am then relieved of all responsibility of whatever this person needs. Pass the buck, I say.

It’s easier and it requires no explanation. Plus it makes Christy and Ron sound cool for having a nanny. Ooohhh aaaaaahhh. I am pretty sure having a nanny in Collierville is very upper-crusty. And it kind of makes me look exotic or something. I need to work on my Russian accent and change my name to…something Russian.

However, I am in no way a nanny. Sure, I take care of the kids every now and again and I am happy to make sure they are fed, cleaned, punished or whatever but the majority of the time, I am left to do my own thing.  Plus, I make a shitty nanny.

Garrett loves scary movies. I try and only let him watch the ones that are PG-13 or the ones that don’t contain too much violence or bad language. My main concern is bad language because I know if he repeats it and gets in trouble, it’s coming back on me (because I am the only person EVER that slips up and says bad words in front of children occasionally…). See, I’m responsible. Yes, I know some of you are horrified, but he is tough, he can take it. If it’s on regular TV, I usually let him watch it since the language is usually edited out and there is no nudity or anything.

Halloween 5 was on AMC last night. Garrett said he wanted to watch a scary movie, this one happened to be on, it was edited for TV, so I let him watch it. Whitman was there too but he is not such a fan of the horror movies. But if his big brother is willing to watch it and you will let him sit in your lap, he will watch as well, he doesn’t want to miss out. So I had two toddlers sitting on my lap in an old hand-me-down recliner watching Halloween 5. They were terrified to say the least.

If they get too scared, I always turn it off. I don’t want to give them insane nightmares (there’s that responsibleness again!) but they usually want to power through it. There was a whole lot of creepy Michael Myers stalking going on and it proved too much for them. And it was the beginning of the movie so there wasn’t a whole lot of bloodshed just yet. Just, you know, a maniacal serial killer stalking babysitters. No big woo.  Throughout the 30 minutes that the boys actually sat there, they covered their eyes and/or closed their eyes altogether. At one point they both got up and hid behind the chair. I then changed the channel and Garrett said, “What did you change it for? I was watching that!” Kid’s a trooper, what can I say? I didn’t change it back, they had enough for one night. Besides tonight The Exorcist will be on…(I would never let them watch The Exorcist and it’s not coming on TV anyway).

Also last night (had a crazy night in the ‘ville) the doorbell rang around 7:00.  Usually it’s the boys because, for some reason, children like to be super annoying and ring the doorbell over and over again. They even found a doorbell in the garage. Who has a doorbell in the garage? Apparently we do. Anyhoo, there were a handful of children at the door giving us a flyer for Trunk R Treat at the church located right behind the house. It is actually on Halloween night so that kids won’t be subjected to evil devil worshipping witches handing out candy coated razorblades. The boys were upstairs with me when Ron answered the door. During this time, I was showing Garrett and Whitman my Halloween costume.* 

While Ron is talking to the Tween Christian Coalition, Garrett runs to the doorway, interrupting Ron and the tweens, and says “Dad! You should see Stacey’s Halloween costume. She’s going to be a scary vampire and she’s got fake blood and everything! It’s going to be the coolest!” Heh heh heh. I had just heard the TCC say something along the lines of “There won’t be anything scary or gory to scare the little ones.” Don’t worry, we scare our own around here. Also, Garrett is awesome. I tell him every day that he is the coolest kid ever. Both his mother and I were raised to have pretty high awesome self esteem, I’m just trying to pay it forward.

*I was informed by my dad a few days ago that he bought me some “nice” vampire teeth that were expensive, so it looks like I am a vampire. I bought a cape and some fake blood and I am just going to wear like a black dress or something.  You might be thinking to yourself “Why can’t you just be whatever you want to be?” Apparently you are unaware at how seriously the man takes his Halloween. He probably sought out the best vampire teeth one can buy. I have no doubt that he researched it through all of his Halloween contacts and purchased the best pair, so I can’t let the man down.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Durr Hurr Durrrrrr

Some days the blog ideas are just pouring out of my mind grapes like so much douchewater from the Jersey Shore house. Other days, like today, look more like this:

Yeah, that seems about right.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Asshole Monday: Halloween Haters

Does this come in adult sizes?

Ugh. I don’t know which group of people I hate most, Halloween Haters or Zoo Haters. At least with Zoo Haters I somewhat understand where they are coming from. But Halloween Haters baffle me and annoy me tremendously. And I am going to go ahead and lump in Harry Potter Haters with this group as well because they are usually in the same Evangelical boat. You don’t hear about the Potter Haters as much anymore but they are still out there, I assure you. And they are still huge mondo douchers.

I, for one, love Halloween as I have said before. I was raised in a Halloween celebrating home. And not only was it celebrated, it was a pretty large event. Not every child grows up in a home where the front yard is decorated with handmade tombstones bearing the names of their sister’s ex-boyfriends. It was a point of pride, really. But I didn’t always love Halloween.

I loved the dressing up and the getting candy and the Trick-or-Treating. I just hated being scared. I had little fear of ringing the doorbell to a home and being terrified, I was mostly scared of my own house. Thanks, Dad.  Actually, I only remember him scaring me one time and when he saw how terrified I was, he never did it again. But that still didn’t stop me from being frightened of returning home every Halloween scared shitless. But it wasn’t from dad, it was from my sister. I think my dad found it in bad form to make his own child terrified to come home, my sister, however, thought it was hilarious.

I would return home from school every day for the entire month of October with a pit in my stomach, terrified of what was to come. My dad had some pretty horrible masks that he kept hidden in his closet, but Christy knew where they were. As soon as I would walk in the door, she would pop out from behind something with a mask on scaring me and bringing me to tears. One day, I was around 8-years-old, her and one of her friends BOTH had masks on and they chased me into my room where I put my desk chair up against the door to keep them out. This didn’t stop them from banging on the door and threatening to break in and eat me or something. This went on for about an hour of me sitting on that desk chair against the door crying hysterically while my sinister sister and her asshole friend laughed and laughed at my terror. It went on until my mom got home from work. Yes, that IS a terrible story. But it is also very true. Christy didn’t start being a good sister until, like, 1996.

I think I have some good reasons to hate Halloween, but I don’t. I love it and I love everything that goes into it. That is why I don’t understand Halloween Hatred.

I have been perusing the internets today to research various forms of Halloween Hatred and why people hate it so much and I am almost urged to start another blog titled, “STFU,  Halloween Haters,” (along with, STFU, Emoticon Users).  I had no clue there were so many different forms of Halloween Hating.

I actually found a handful of people that are grossed out by “gory” Halloween Decorations. And, to them, I have to say, “Sac up.” You do know that that isn’t real blood or guts? And what you are feeling in that punch bowl is just peeled grapes and not actual eyeballs, right? I am pretty sure real blood, guts and eyeballs are pretty hard to come by.

And there are a-plenty of those “Woe is Mom” Halloween haters. There is too much candy to go through, and too much sugar consumed by children, too many costumes, too many kids to keep up with, too many scary houses to avoid, wah wah wah. Nevermind that their children love it, but they publicly decry the entire holiday because it is “too much work.” Um, shut the fuck up? Your children enjoy it, and isn’t that all that matters? Take one for the team, hoe! Can you keep your mom-bitching to a minimum for one night?

But, mostly the form of Halloween Hating comes in evangelical form.

Blatant Black Cat Satanist

I challenge you to ask any Halloween hating evangelical what their children are going to be for Halloween and they usually always answer with an uppidity, nose in the air “We don’t celebrate Halloween.” As if the low-down individual that does celebrate Halloween should bow down to their greatness at ignoring this harmless holiday. And I have no doubt that if you ask what they actually do on Halloween they will say they turn the lights off and pray for all the sinners that participate in Satan’s holiday. So instead of worshipping imaginary ghosts and witches you’re worshipping…imaginary deities???  Makes sense?

I went to to see what their take on Halloween was. I was actually unaware that October 31st was a “prime recruiting time for witches and Satanists.” Heh. You know what, they’re right. I know all I did on Halloween when I dressed as Holly Hobby and a makeshift mouse, and after I got all my candy and sorted it out between “savers” and “eaters” I sacrificed a goat to our Dark Lord (no, not Voldemort, the OTHER dark lord). Didn’t you? It was all the rage with suburban toddlers back in the day.  I don’t know of one Ninja Turtles costume that survived Halloween without being splattered with the blood of the sacrificed.

Damn witches are ruining our country!
You see the same thing with Potter Haters. Witchcraft and wizardry are being glorified, children everywhere are going to start performing spells to get better grades, fix their glasses and open locked doors, yada yada yada. You do know that its make believe, correct? Harry Potter is based on some super cool British lady’s imagination. It is a work of fiction, which means it’s false. He’s not real, nor are the things that he does. That would be like boycotting Winnie the Pooh for glorifying childhood obesity. He’s a fictional talking bear, no one with a working, reasonable mind should take him seriously.

Can’t everyone just calm the fuck down?! It’s all about free candy, people. Free. Candy. Halloween = Happiest day of the year…maybe not for diabetics....

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Now You've Gone and Made me All Stabby!

Okay, people, have a seat. Please. We need to have a talk. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I see no other option. I thought the problem would just fade away. I thought I wouldn’t still be hearing about this. But here we are. And you only have yourselves to blame.

Usually I am a let your freak flag fly, do what you want, whatever makes you happy kind of gal, but enough is enough.

See all that Ed Hardy mess? YOU paid for it!

Stop watching Jersey Shore. Stop. And I don’t want to hear your excuses. I have heard them all and they are all invalid and annoying.

But, Stacey, It’s so FUNNY! – No, no it is not. It is stupid. It is a stupid show on a stupid network about stupid people. Just by you watching it, it makes you stupid. It’s a vicious cycle of stupidity.

But, Stacey, I just like to make fun of it – There is a world FULL of things that you can make fun of.  Look on Facebook for five minutes, that alone will give you a weeks worth of things to mock.

But, Stacey, It’s a guilty pleasure – There should be no pleasure in watching a house full of orange assholes become rich and famous by doing nothing more than being orange assholes. They are famous for nothing more than being idiots. The only valid way to watch this show is alone, in a darkened room while you silently shove your face full of Zingers and cry into your meth pipe. And if this is how you watch it, go right ahead, but I am going to need to see that meth pipe.

But, Stacey, It is, like, so entertaining – Shut your stupid face. There are oodles of entertaining shows that get cancelled every day. Shows with storylines, and redeeming characters, and a plot.  Watch those.

And I know that none of you are going to tell me that you find any of these asshats attractive…are you? *crickets* …that’s what I thought.

If you really want me to get real with the honesty here, let me break it down: You watching this show just makes me think less of you, it really does. Some of my good friends watch this show, my own father watches this mess, and I have no problem telling them, “I now look down on you for watching this nonsense.” And this is coming from someone who watches terrible television and movies.

I have seen the movie John Tucker Must Die no less than a dozen times. I watched both Rock of Love and Rock of Love: Charm School. I would watch The Real Housewives of Bucksnort if it should happen to come on Bravo. I love most things crappy, but I actively HATE this show and the majority of its fan base.

My only hope is that one day one of these worthless pieces of self-tanned shit will come out in support of Sarah Palin or some such nonsense and we can all go, “SEE! J-Wow came out in support of this evangelical Tea Party winking lunatic. Do you see how stupid you all look now?”  That is the only good that can ever come out of this show. Ever.  

Jersey Shore is why every other country hates America, and if it goes on any longer, the terrorists have officially won. Well done, AMERICA!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Turning Tricks or Treat: You want some Cooch with your Kit-Kat?

Did we really need to whore out Nemo?

So I talked to Pops last, so I could reassure him that yes, I was planning on dressing up and handing out candy for him at Halloween. He told me to pick out a costume and he would pay me back. I tried to think of something that I could just whip up on my own, and unless I want to go as a hippie, an emo kid or Super Jeans and T-shirt girl, I need to buy a costume. Blah.

So now I am on a hunt as to what to buy for Halloween to hand out candy to children. Dad wants something scary, which I am fine with, but all I seem to be able to find is…sexy. Dammit.

I understand the want for chicks to dress sexy on Halloween. I really do. I have been that girl a few times and I see nothing wrong with it. I would do it now if I weren’t old as hell and didn’t like to drink so much beer. I really would. But ladies my age just can’t get away with stuff like they used to, and that includes sexy costumes.

These days, it seems, 9 out of 10 costumes for ladies are slutty. Again, I get it. You get one day a year to dress like a total prostitute stripper and people applaud you for it. Girl Power! But I think it has gone too far…

Sexy Costumes that didn’t need to be sexified:

Sexy Ghostbuster
Sexy Scarecrow
Sexy Tin Woman
Sexy Marie Antoinette
Sexy Mad Hatter
Sexy Butterfly
Sexy Robyn Da Hood (this is the actual title of the costume)
Sexy Sponge Bob (which is, admittedly, pretty cute)
Sexy Clown
Sexy Mrs. Potato Head
Sexy Cab Driver
Naughty Nun
Naught Nemo
Sexy M & M

I assure you ALL of these costumes exist. I just saw them with my own two eyes. Google it.

I mean, do we really need to Sexify Wilma Flintstone any more than she already is? Wilma Flintstone’s prehistoric ass was the epitome of cartoon sex appeal and she still is. She wore a flimsy piece of Stone Age fabric. That’s it. You know there was nothing on underneath. So if you want to dress as Wilma Flintstone, go right ahead but do we really need a SEXY Wilma Flintstone? No. Yabba dabba don’t, bitch.

There is an “Ultra Sexy” Queen of Hearts costume which is basically just a bra and some boy shorts. Please show me the chick that is willing to wear this in public that isn’t an exotic dancer or doesn’t live in California, and I will shell out the $49.99 myself for her to sport this at Halloween. That is some high self-esteem she’s got there.

So what am I to do? What is a chick to wear that just wants to scare children? What costume choices do we have? What has the world come to when a lady can’t scare kids?

I honestly have no clue. I have only been looking for about an hour and I was attacked with short skirts, bare belly buttons and cleavage that would make ME blush. So I got a little side tracked and I felt compelled to write about the gradual slutifying of Halloween.

Regrettably, dad wants me to be a vampire of some sort, but I kind of just want to be a Grim Reaper. It would scare the poo out of me if I were a kid. Plus, I don’t think I own enough body glitter to be a vampire.

Monday, October 18, 2010

This Just In...

So I was perusing through my emails and I noticed a reciept from iTunes.

“Hrm,” I thought to myself, “I surely don’t remember buying anything from iTunes in who knows how long???”

Upon further inspection it is indeed a game upgrade for Super KO Boxing 2. Do I play, Super KO Boxing 2? No. Do I hardly play any games on my phone? No. But you know who does???

These two assholes

I don’t know how, but they have now learned how to, not only play every game on this phone but they have now learned how to purchase them AND upgrade the free ones to paid. And usually you have to supply your password so it seriously befuddles the mind of how these two child gaming prodigies managed to upgrade a free game for their own play entertainment.

Damn you, Salazar!

Assholeless Monday

Its Asshole Monday but, again, I have no assholes to speak of and no one has submitted anyone for me to publicly ridicule. So maybe the assholes today could be the four people reading this, maybe?

But I would really hate to insult my huge readership.

And this isn’t so much a dude being an asshole as it a dude being kinda sad:

So every day we have these people that come get our back-up tapes or something along those lines. It is a different person every day and they come, switch out the tapes and leave. It happens every day after lunch.

There is a new guy, who I would guess is around 25, who comes every Monday. I am the only person here today so I was the one to bring him in the building and walk him out. Yes, security requires that everyone that doesn’t work in this building has to be escorted in and out. It’s the CIA up in this bitch. Anyhoo, I don’t know dude’s name so I will call him Mike. He looks like a Mike.

I go and get him and he asks me, “How has your Monday been going?”* I answer that is has been going very slowly and I have so far read a book today and that is it. He asks what book. I replied it was Bad Moon Rising, sort of a Stephen King type  book. And he chuckled a little, I thought it was in judgment. And he asked “So kind of a science fiction/ horror type thing?” I replied yes, that I am kind of a geek. His response:

“We all have geek ways…I play World of Warcraft.”

Bahaahahahaha.  This was somewhat surprising to me.  Mike wasn’t pasty pale or altogether unattractive, he didn’t look like an online gamer. I laughed heartily and then admitted that I have never met anyone in real life that had ever played that game. He admitted that yes, most players don’t leave their mom’s basement. So at least he has a sense of humor about it.

But, for real, World of Warcraft? I don’t even know what it is, yet I audibly judge. So I decided to Wikipedia that shit…and its far nerdier than I ever imagined. But, I mean really, who am I to say anything about nerds or things that nerds like.

I read science fiction and zombie novels and Buffy comics. My favorite television show of all time is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I have a not-so-secret wish to attend Comic-Con.  I love slasher films and I get annoyed when the body count is low.

I am not the coolest of people, but I don’t think I would play online LARPing games that you actually have to pay for. I just wouldn’t. Why not just play a video game? It’s sort of the same thing, yes?

*The worst thing about the whole tape process is the small talk. You have to walk this person from the front door, to our department and then back to the front door. It only takes a few minutes but it is a few minutes of very awkward silence. Its excruciating. I suck at small talk so usually all we ever have to say to each other is “So how is your Monday going?” or “Wow, what a nice day outside,” and we spend the rest of our walk in silence. I dread the tape time of day.

In other news, someone please kill me before I die of boredom.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Kids Say the most Spastic Things

Remember when he was this little and he didn't judge???

Children can be terribly judgemental at times and I know that this is shocking to no one.

Whoever told Garrett that every time a police car is around, someone is going to jail needs to be beaten. And I am only 30% sure that this person wasn’t me.

You can’t go over the speed limit or he will easily flip his shit. One night Christy, Garrett, Whitman and myself were heading to eat dinner at the local Mexican restaurant and we drove exactly 40 miles an hour the whole way. Garrett didn’t start to freak out until he saw a police car parked in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Screaming, face pulling, crying and hyperventilation ensued.

He was convinced that Christy was speeding and were about to be pulled over and everyone in the car would be taken to jail, including him and Whitman. I don’t know how many times I have told him that children his age and younger can’t be taken to jail. He remains unconvinced.

Saturday I had to take him and Whitman to the zoo for an event for MDA for my sister. Christy had to be there super early, so the kids could sleep a little longer and not drive her crazy while she did work things, I was happy to take them up there for her at a later time. In order to get to the zoo from Collierville I had to get on the interstate and I feared that this would invoke the wrath of Garrett and his speeding phobia. It did.

As soon as I merged onto 385, he started to freak out, “STOP SPEEDING!” and so on and so forth. I assured him I wasn’t going any faster than the people in front of me. As long as we are all going the same speed, no one will go to jail. He was quiet for a minute but I could see the terror quietly building.  He kept it at bay long enough to negotiate:

Garrett: “Go back to the 2.”

Me: “You want me to go 20 miles an hour on the interstate?”

Garrett: “Yes.”

Me: “That seems unreasonable.”

Garrett: “No it’s not.”

I refused because that is insanity and I won’t let a 5-year-old backseat drive me and he started screaming for me to stop speeding again and again until I  had to pull out the Mean Aunt Stacey voice and tell him that I have heard enough and to please chill out until we got the zoo. He was in no danger and no one was going to jail.

I have no doubt that after I dropped them off and made sure they were safely in the zoo, he told anyone who would listen that we narrowly escaped jail. I would shrug his speeding freak-outs off as a kid just trying to make sure no one goes to jail, but I feel this is just the tip of the OCD iceberg.

He is going to be really annoying when he starts attending D.A.R.E. meetings at school. It’s a large fear I have.

I remember attending those at school and being terrified at the thought of drugs and alcohol especially when they said, “Don’t let your parents fool you, alcohol is a DRUG!” I don’t think that is exactly what they said but it was something along those lines. My parents don’t drink so I was never really terrified that they were going to become junkies free basing in our laundry room. I hardly ever saw alcohol and when I did it was either on TV or at Catholic weddings which I used to cater (yes, I used to cater weddings when I was a child. True story. Maybe one day I will tell you about it.) I figured I didn’t know any of those people so their abuse of the evils of alcohol meant nothing to me. Such is not the case with Garrett.

He already tells his Kindergarten teacher that all his parents and aunt do is sit around drinking cold beer (he calls it “cold beer” never just “beer” the kid is smart, he knows beer should always be cold) all day long which…isn’t entirely untrue. So I have a feeling when he is formally taught that alcohol is bad for you and leads to all kinds of bad things, we are all in for some rough times.

Is he going to run screaming at us, arms flailing, trying to knock the drinks out of our hands? Are we going to get lectured every time we crack open a cold beer? Are we going to be silently judged by a child for the next 10 years until he turns 15 (!) and he starts drinking for himself? Is he going to call Child Services on us for drinking a few beverages a day a week?

In all honesty I picture it going something like this: Ron, Christy or myself will be drinking something that isn’t tea or Juicy Juice and Garrett will say something along the lines of “Stop drinking alcohol! It’s bad for you! You’re going to get a fat booty!” And after the 143rd time this happens, and we are tired of trying to explain to him that we aren’t alcoholics and that we will be okay, we just send him to his room with no cold beer.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

One Happy Hooker

Today I am choosing to use this here blog for self promotion. YAY self promotion and broke assness! (I did a pretty good job of luring you in with a vague subject, didn't I?)

As most of you know, I am an avid/ obsessive crocheter. It is one of my favorite things in the world to do. And if you crochet, you are going to need to buy yarn from time to time. I used to buy a lot of yarn that I had no future projects to use it with. None. I would buy it and keep it for some unknown reason. It has occurred to me, long ago (like a month) that I am a yarn hoarder. I have oodles of yarn just sitting there waiting to be used and no one to enjoy it, and this is where you come in.

$50 afghans! Yes, you read that correctly. $50.00 will buy you a hand stitched afghan made by me. One of a kind. No one else in the world will have one like yours, I assure you.

$50 is a lot of money (Trust me, I am a broke person, I know this) so maybe go halfsies with your sibling/ cousin/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ dad, etc and buy one for that special someone that is so beyond an asshole to buy for.

Take my dad for instance: I hate buying him anything. For Father’s Day and his birthday he gets exactly what he asks for, not a damn thing. I do feel badly when Christmas rolls around, though.  I feel like I should make an effort to get him something so last year I made him a blanket with skulls on it, this one right here:

He loved it. He didn’t say in so many words that it was the best gift that he has ever received, but it was implied. My point is, there is no one on planet Earth that doesn’t love a blanket and there is also no one in the entire galaxy that doesn’t like a handmade gift. No one. I’m pretty tight with aliens and they agreed, they love the handmade stuff. BAM! Perfect gift! Your gift worries are over.

Plus, it is one affordable ass gift. I have checked and their prices on afghans and they range from $80 to $200+. This is just $50. Buy one.

You have three styles to choose from:

Stripes (5’ x 4’) – I have provided you with an image of a striped blanket in case you are a water-head retard and you don’t know what stripes are. But, hey, mentally challenged people both get cold and they have cash. This one is a good bit bigger than 5’ x 4’ but you get the gist. And I can thinner stripes, obviously.

Granny Square
(5’ x 5’) -  The Granny square is the traditional square and motif of crocheting.  It’s classic and super fun. Also, if you aren’t down with a heavy blanket, the granny square provides you with blanket coverage with about 70% blanket warmth. Sometimes I like the heavy feeling of a blanket, without the suffocation of warmth. This is ideal for that.

Wild Card (won’t be any smaller than 5’ x 4’) – This means that I can do whatever I want and you will have to love it. Whenever I make something for someone, I try and make it in their personality. I know what this person likes, I know their style, I can pretty much guess what they would like. I am an artist at that. People who crochet or knit are, in fact, artists and I am pretty great one.

Gimme your color scheme, or you can let me pick. Whatever. I can do sports teams if you are into that sort of thing. School colors. Your favorite color. Every color of the rainbow. Whatever. If you love green and you want something in nothing but shades of green. DONE! I can make that shit work.  

So buy one. It will go to getting rid of lots and lots of yarn that I need to get rid of and it will also help cut down some of my enormous debt I accumulated when I was unemployed for a year. Support the perpetually broke. I have already sold FIVE! You can be the sixth. Don’t you want to be the sixth?

It’s a win/ win/ win/ win/ win – there is no one that doesn’t win in this situation.

Yes you WILL have this by Christmas. I am already 1/3 of the way finished with my first order (thanks, Aunt Phyllis, you’re beautiful) and I started it Friday. I have all kinds of time and mad skills.

If you are interested in purchasing an afghan please contact me at I take cash, check and Paypal. Thank you and good evening.

Seriously, I am super good at this, I made that shit:

Monday, October 11, 2010

Asshole Monday

Assholes. Assholes. Where are you? I find myself with no assholes to speak of. Maybe you people can send me your own assholes to publicly lambaste over the interwebs and I can call those people out for being assholes. Yes? But until I get my reader submissions (ha) I will just roll with the ones that I have.


The Sun: My good friend Morgan Beene Cline ran her 63rd marathon this weekend in Chicago and the Sun was being a total dick and it was way hot. Running all those miles in the heat can’t be fun. I washed my car yesterday in the shade in the 93 some odd degree heat and I found it unappetizing to say the least. So FUCK YOU, Sun, you were an asshole to my marathon running lunatic friend, Morgan.

Chick Dwellers of Collierville:  I was in Hobby Lobby a week or so ago and as I was in line (a surprisingly short, efficient line for Hobby Lobby) and I found myself behind three Collierville High attending bitches.  Their homecoming week is coming up at some point in the near future (I am sure I will hear about it since my sister has taken up tailgating at high school football games) and they were purchasing materials in which to craft an outfit for “Tacky Day.” The check-out lady was all “What are you girls buying all this for?”

It was a myriad of red things. Red bandannas. Red fabric. Red plastic. Red swastikas. Just red. The leader of this klan (you could tell as she had the car keys) said, “It’s tacky day at our school and we dress up as Germantown because Germantown is tacky.”

Wowza. I snorted a bit and I doubt any of them heard me or even recognized my existence as I am old, purchasing yarn and I went to Bartlett High School. And then Check-Out Lady said this: “My daughter goes to Germantown.”

Bahahahahaha. WIN. The look on uppity Chick Dwellers of Collierville faces was amazing. They were all like “Oooohh shiiiiittt, I can’t believe I let a tacky bitch scan my purchases…” Maybe, I don’t know, keep your snotty opinions to yourself in mixed craft store company? Heh heh.

Check-Out Lady could have totally kept this to herself and let these girls go on about their day but she didn’t. She put those high schoolers in their place just for shits and gigs. And for that, Check-Out Lady, you get an internet high five. You deserve it. UP TOP!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, WATCH THIS SHOW: Friday Night Lights

They're all so pretty...and so troubled

I don’t know how many times I have to say this to get through to you people, but everyone should be watching this show.

It’s fifth and final season starts October 27th for DirectTV havers only. I know this is unfortunate for those of you without DirectTV but it’s worth the wait for it to come to regular ol’ NBC next year. And this gives you plenty of time to watch the first four seasons. And, if anything, the lengths that NBC has gone through to keep this show on the air should tell you that everyone should be watching this show.

I have yet to recommend this show to someone and when they finally watch it, they don’t like it. Everyone that watches it will fall in love with it. It’s a promise I will make to you now. My word is my blog bond.

Let me tell you what excuses I do not want to hear, I have heard them all before and they are all stupid so lets go ahead and dispel them all right now:

I really don’t want to watch a show about football: Shush your stupid face. No one on earth detests the sport of football more than I do. No one. I think football is the dumbest sport ever and there are a number of things I would rather do than watch an actual football game from start to finish including but not limited to: getting a cavity filled, an extra trip to the gynecologist, listening to entire Katy Perry album, moving back to Mississippi and various other excruciating practices.

My point is, I hate football but I love this show. Football comes secondary to the lives of these people in this small town in Texas. I hate football but when the Lions (previously the Panthers) win a football game, I actively celebrate.  

It’s a show about high school: So? That’s all I have to say about that, “So?” When did you become too cool to watch a show about high school? And it’s not even about high school.

I’ve seen the movie: So have I and that movie has nothing on this show. NOTHING.

It comes on Friday nights: It’s 2010, people. Get a DVR.

I don’t want to hear your lame ass excuses. So stop spouting them off. Listen to me, I know what I am talking about. Watch the show. I will even give you reasons for watching this gem of a television drama:

  1. There is not one character on this show that you will not love. Of course the show does have their villains put there to make you cheer harder for the good guys but, for the most part, the main characters whose lives you will follow, you will root for nothing but good things to happen to them. And when they do, if you don’t either tear up or at least smile largely, you are a heartless asshole. If you start with the first season (you should) you will see a few people that you might outright loathe. Give it a minute. Eventually everyone will endear themselves to you and you will find yourself saying, “Fuck if I don’t love Buddy Garrity/ Smash Williams/ Billy Riggins.”

Yes, please

  1. Eric and Tami Taylor. If there is one couple on television today that every couple should aspire to be, it is these two. Their marriage and their fights and their love for each other is the realest on television today, or maybe ever. Even though I am 29-years-old and I have wonderful parents, I still want to be adopted by these two fictional people and I want to be a part of their fictional lives. It’s my fictional dream. Also, Kyle Chandler (Coach Taylor) could do an entire episode without saying anything. He could do nothing but make facial expressions and I would watch the shit out of it and then try and convince everyone he should win an Emmy for it.  One day, when I grow up and have a family of my own, I want to be Tami Taylor. The woman is amazing. She is the strongest, most amazing female character of any show, ever. Hands down. And she has great hair.

  1. The entire show feels real. The things that happen to people of Dillon, Texas could easily happen to you or anyone you know. Okay with an exception or two like the murder plot at the beginning of season two but we ignore that that ever happened and we move it on along. My point is, it’s some compelling shit and it should compel you to snotty tears at some point. Trust.

  1. Tim Mother Fucking Riggins. He may be the prettiest person I have ever seen in my life. And you boys are thinking “Like I give a poo if there is a pretty dude on the show.” If you don’t love Tim Riggins, male or female, you are a cyborg intent on destroying the world and your opinion and television viewing choices don’t count anyway.   Tim Riggins embodies everything that is right on television today. From the first season to the fourth season, we have seen him evolve from a kid that just wants to get laid and get drunk, to a stand-up guy that just tries to do the right thing, no matter how epically he fails.
No regrets, let's make some memories

I hope you are all ready to kick yourselves in your worthless asses after you have watched this show and you realize that you have been an ignorant assholes for many years and that this show is awesome. This will happen. Ready yourselves.

You have until October 27th to catch up on the previous four seasons. That is plenty of time. Once you start watching, you will not want to stop. I expect comments from each of you saying, “You were right all along, I should have been watching this show years ago.” Yes, yes you should have. Idiots.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Halloween, Bitches!

My parents live here. They are damn near 60.
As everyone that knows me is fully aware at how ridiculous my dad is for Halloween, I come to you with a question: What should I be for Halloween?

No, these are not my parents.

Dad goes full out balls crazy for Halloween and this year he doesn’t want to hand out candy. He wants to be managing the crazy around the house and making sure that everything works properly, scared children are in fact scared, etc. So he asked me to hand out candy, which I am fine with doing. However, he wants me to dress up.

I am not one of those pussy bitches that gets all “I don’t want to dress up, wahhh…” no, I love dressing up. I don’t care if I look like an idiot. I love Halloween and everything that goes with it, but I don’t know what to dress up as. It is going to need to be something scary or semi-gory. There will be no sexy maid or sexy nurse or sexy janitor or whatever the fuck it is bitches dress up as these days. It will need to be something inventive and semi-horrifying.

So costume ideas…go.

Dad actually wonder aloud last year, "Where can I get real bones?"

Monday, October 4, 2010

Asshole Monday:

Fucking White People...

I found myself with no assholes to write about on this Asshole Monday but lo and behold, when I arrived to work this morning, there was an asshole present waiting in my inbox.

Let me say that this is not my inbox. Since I am a temp, I don’t have email just yet but I do have the email of the conservative 54 year old white lady that used to sit here at this computer. So I get her emails instead of my own.

I have gotten such gems titled “White People Need to Rise Up,” “Arizona is on the Right Track, “ and “Religious Freedom is Ruining Our Country, Everyone Should be White Christians!” Okay, that last one wasn’t a real email subject, but that is pretty much the gist of what they all say. If you are not white or Christian, I am terrified of you.

So today I open the inbox and the first unread message title was “Freedom is Not Free” and Asshole Monday was revived.

Geez. Apparently, Old Lady (54 is not old in the least, but I am just going to call her that instead of using her real name, you know, to be respectful) is a member of the Tea Party of Mississippi. Heh.

I am not going to be political, I know very little about actual politcs, but I do know that the Tea Party is crazy and I also guess that the Mississippi Tea Party is not only crazy but probably racist.

According to the email, the Tea Party of Mississippi needs funding. Excuse me while I point and laugh…

So they sent out an email with the aforementioned title to raise funds for homophobic racists so they can buy 400 thread count white sheets and 2 x 4s to make crosses that they can then burn. And posters puff painted with “God Hates Fags” don’t pay for themselves, people!

If any of you would like to read the email, here it is:

Dear Patriots,

The time has come where The "Tea Party of Mississippi" is running low on funds necessary in order to continue to operate in this hostile political climate we find ourselves in. We don't have a regular income, or pledges to fund our operations. We depend on freedom lovers like you, and other volunteers to make this organization work.

We would like to remind everyone that "Freedom Is Not Free". We respectfully ask patriots to send us a tax deductable donation. Any amount you can spare will be greatly appreciated. These funds will be put to a good use to help educate those how the government has grown beyond reasonable limitations.

November the 2nd. is near. Our tasks are numerous. Without sufficient funds, we are limited in what we can do. Help us beat the entrenched politicians who have forgotten Congress is bound by the Constitution to say within its limits as envisioned by our founders.

You can send them to: Tea Party of Mississippi at
PO Box 2061 Southaven, Mississippi 38671
. Or, if you prefer, you may use the PayPal links on our site's Main Page, donation link. We are tax exempt You can keep your check as a receipt. A receipt will be mailed if requested.

Thanks in advance as we know you can be counted on to help.

The Board of Directors for The Tea Party of Mississippi.

Haha, at “Freedom Lovers” because Geez, all liberal non-Christians hate freedom. I know I do. And, really? Freedom Lovers? You only want yourselves to be free to do whatever you want but everyone else can either convert to your way of thinking or they can go to hell, which is where they are going anyway.

And Freedom is Not Free? Actually, it is. The definition of freedom is “The quality or state of being free.” So suck on that, freedom lovers. But I am sure what they actually mean by that statement is “Get a better paying job or be sentenced to death.”

I personally would like for the freedom loving Tea Party of Mississippi to receive no donations and to be forced to suck dick for coke, but I know this won’t happen. It’s the south and angered bigoted white people will give money to anyone that promises to obliterate opposition to their own way of life. But, please, please, for the love of sweet baby jesus, don’t give that money to poor people. Poor people are the worst.