Asshole Monday*: Hair Feathers

So coming back from lunch today I had a small rant I was going to post about hair feathers. I was pretty fired up too. Disgusted. Embarrassed for the human race. Rage-filled. All kinds of bad feelings. So yeah, hair feathers...

No, not this kind:

This god-awfulness right here:

I was going to say how they are disgusting even on a small child, and they make older women look like the saddest forever alone chick I ever did see, and it’s more of a blinking, obvious neon white-trash sign than even a tribal butterfly tramp stamp. I was also going to say that there are only two places your kid is going to going in life with feathers in her hair and they both involve meth but only one has a pole. I was also going to throw in that you look a little like a retarded and flamboyantly gay raccoon. There is also nothing else that says to the world “Hi, I smell like garbage,” than having feathers in your hair.

See?

I was going to say all of these things and much more and then I started thinking about something. Particularly hair accessories from when I was a kid and, like this:

And this:

And we must never, ever forget this monstrosity:

And now I am so embarrassed by my own disgusting and sad pop-culturally-influenced hair choices, I am about to braid a tiny portion of my hair, throw three beads on the end and then hang myself with it. 

But seriously, if you love someone, no more feathers. That mess is not hot. If only someone had told me this so long ago...(you're welcome)

*Wednesday

TWOF Special Report: Casey Anthony

As it was said to me, moments ago, by the great DP, “Facebook mad. This Casey Anthony shit.  All of FB is just one big U MAD? right now.” I could not agree more. Yay for a current and culturally relevant (sorta) blog topic! Go me!

Now if everyone could just STFU and CTFD while we have yet another talk

Yes, I understand me expressing that I am annoyed with people being pissy on facebook is totes the same thing as people expressing their pissiness of the verdict, don’t think I don’t see that. I am very self aware. But also I feel my annoyance is a little more…genuine??? Not as retarded??? I don’t know…

You see I checked Facebook minutes after the verdict was given to see who would be the first person to beat everyone to the punch and get their first Casey Anthony furious status up and you people did NOT disappoint. However, what I didn’t expect was to be eye-raped by outraged morons at the legal system or as one uber-dumbass put it, “Justus System” and the threats of god’s will for Casey Anthony to one day be dealt with were just too much (you know that awesome will of his that saved small children from being (maybe) killed by their mother…oh wait…).

Let’s all take a look at what FB had in store of us, shall we:

How can she not be guilty?!

I have to believe that a higher power will judge her one day.

The Justus system has failed the American People once again

Karma is a bitch, Casey Anthony.

Speechless, what is wrong with people?

The only thing the girl is guilty of is lying to a polica officer!! UNBELIEVABLE!

Sick to my stomach now

I am so shocked that she was acquitted, there is no acquittal in hell.

Very sad day for our jury system (what?)

As DP put it, people are acting like it is their own child when, well, it’s just not. As sad as it is that a child is dead, I hate to break it to everyone, but children die every day, just ask god. And you feel sick? Really? In what monumental way has this entire case fucked up your life to where you just feel sick? Not only do children die every day, but guilty people also get off every day. Happens every mother fucking day. Where is your outrage then? Are you currently following all child murder cases or just the sort of interesting ones?

So while people are more than welcome to post their opinions on facebook (is it their facebook for them to put whatever they want on it) don’t get all pissy and butt-hurt when someone calls you a moron for being on a soap box you not only know nothing about but won’t care about in a few weeks or, if we are being honest here, days. Giving a fuck about the end of a controversial trial about people I don’t know in a state that I don’t live in is probably a bigger waste of time than me writing this blog, but if I am not here to give you a blog-side-eye, who will????

Murderdeathkill: Family Car Decals

I was on the hunt on Amazon for this. It’s awesome, no?

Then I came across this.  Those words were taken from my mouth. And I just nodded, “Yes. That.”  

And that is why I am about to sit everyone down. Parents. Grandparents. Everyone. Have a fucking seat because we need to talk and this has been a long time coming. If I happen to offend, this is something you need to hear. And if anyone out there ever lets my opinion influence them in any way, you are doing it wrong.

Not a single fuck will ever be given about your stick figure family. Sure, it’s cute. But here is the thing; it’s not cute. You just think it’s cute. Everyone else thinks they are insufferable, tacky and beyond annoying and we are all sick of looking at them in traffic. I can’t throw an empty PBR can out the window (I would never) without hitting some fucking asshole with their family portrait in plastic, decal form. And the ones with the family pets are the worst.

So dad windsurfs and mom shops. Thanks, dick.

So not only is everyone subjected to how many mother fucking kids you have but now we have to learn about your pets as well? Why does this exist? Why do overbearing, crazy parents need to idolize their entire family with a vinyl sticker? It’s absurd and the least sincere form of family pride I think I have ever fucking seen.

And while we are on the subject of car stickers…

This. Right here.

Enough.

Let me tell you a little story about these car stickers:

I think they are stupid (duh). I was behind a soccer mom one day about a year ago with my friend and blog contributer, Jim. The mom in front of us had two stickers. One was for a girl with her name underneath a ballerina shoe. Adorable (no). The other was for a boy by the name of Chance (not really, but I needed an obnoxious suburban boy name). The picture above Chance’s name was of a child reading a book. And here is where I decided I had had about enough with these stickers. 

We immediately both laughed at the absurdity of having both of your children’s names on your car, as not to play favorites, but what do you do when one of your children is good at nothing? (I will ask my parents this the next time I see them.) Is it really necessary to put both kid’s name on your car when one of them dances and one of them reads? Chance is a great kid and he sure he loves his comic books. He can’t dance or play any sport but he reads like a CHAMP! We went on with this for longer than we actually should have, that dead horse took all kinds of beatings. It was funny at the time and we both chuckled heartily. But I have to say, the kid reading the book looked familiar. Where had I seen that before???

Later that same day I was in Walgreens buying a few necessities (Red Bull, candy) when I see that same kid reading a book…on something for charity…for St Jude. St Jude’s logo is a child reading a book.

Yep. I inadvertently made fun of a child with cancer. I reached a new low that day.

However, I don’t exactly take this as my fault, it’s those fucking stickers, man. They get me down. I don’t need to know your child’s favorite sport (most of which I doubt those kids even play) or their favorite hobby or whatever. You people are making me learn things while driving, things about strangers kids that I don’t care about, and I hate that.

And why, all of a sudden, is every car you see have something or another boasting their children and their favorite thing to do? It’s like a plague. A plague of douchecanoe twatwaffle parents whose lives revolve around their children. Where is the end to this insanity? I saw one the other day with a tuba on it with a kids name underneath. Way to go, Spencer. You play the fucking tuba. You just told me to avoid ever going to your home because I bet your parents are going to make you play it for me. But you know, Spencer? I don’t blame you. I blame your parents. Your parents and their gloating disguised as pride.

I think the only sticker of this kind that I could ever tolerate would be a picture of an Xbox or a television or something else reclusive and nerdy with a kids name underneath. That sticker says everything about those parents that I ever wanted to know. Those parents are saying “Yeah, so your kid plays soccer. Way to go? My kid plays Xbox, and I just don’t give a fuck and I love them anyway so fuck off.” Those kinds of parents I could get behind, in traffic or otherwise.

I don’t think those stickers exist just yet so I am saying now that I came up with the idea. Write that down. Send me money when it catches on.  Thank you.

Backdoor To Chyna: An Analysis

Chyna is the name of one of pro wrestling's most well known female stars. I use the term 'female' loosely because in her heyday, she looked like this:

 

To her credit, she got jaw surgery, fake tits, and quit doing steroids so she's not quite THAT horrendous anymore, but it's all semantics really. Bitch ain't cute. So with that in mind, she's now decided to move on to full fledged porn. It's not her first rodeo. A few years ago, a homeade sex tape was released and that was horrifying enough. But this is honest to goodness professional shit here. Five scenes, shot from multiple angles. In high definition.

Reviewing this shows my dedication to my craft. I'm not this dedicated to my wife.

So let's review this shit, shall we?

- SCENE 1 -

Chyna is interviewed outside on the porch of a house with the Hollywood sign visible in the background. Kinda. It's blurred out. Of all the things that NEED to be blurred in this movie and they chose a goddamn landmark. *sigh*

The first scene is a 3-way lesbian scene. The 2 poor unfortunate girls who signed up for this are clearly weighing the difficulty of kicking meth against the shame that comes from burying their faces in Sheeva's snatch. Meth wins out and we get down to awkward, hesitant business. A dildo gets brought into play as everyone does a bunch of faked, over-the-top moaning. I assume it was fake. In my experience, women don't shudder to orgasm when a hand brushes against their chest but hey, maybe I'm doing it wrong. One of the women earns her paycheck and then some when she puts tongue to asshole on Chyna. Look, I'm an ass-man myself. I've licked an asshole or two in my day but I'm not sure there's a high enough caliber gun you could point to my head that would make me go down that road with Chyna.

Okay, so I survived that one....

- SCENE 2 -

Starts with Chyna just sorta standing there in what looks like a wrestling ring in a dungeon, slowly getting naked while looking really uncomfortable. She has big fake tits with nipples that look like they've been chewed on by beavers and a beaver that looks like badgers built it. Also, she has a huge scar on her stomach, but to the best of my knowledge (and Wikipedia), has no kids. Maybe she just got a C-section for the thrill? Is that what the kids are into these days?

Anyway, one-on-one scene here, her and some dude. There's not enough Viagra in the world man...

Somehow he musters up the courage to not only have sex with this woman, but give her the royal porn star treatment. He even picks her up and spins her upside down for a standing 69 at one point (I could not stop picturing Undertaker delivering a tombstone piledriver here). God bless this man. Being a male porn star is pretty high up there on the list of dream jobs, because 99% of the time, they get paid lots of money to have sex with beautiful women. But that other 1% is a motherfucker. Anyway, the scene ends in the normal porn way, and that's when it really hit me. I was a HUGE wrestling fan growing up and I just watched one of the biggest female stars in wrestling history take a load on the face. Fuckin' surreal man...

- SCENE 3 -

My will is weakening.

The scene kicks off with another interview, and then we move on into another one-on-one scene with her and some guy who drew the low number. First thing I notice here is this chick's ass is busted. I mean, don't get me wrong, Chyna is fug no matter which way you cut it but it wasn't like this in the first two scenes. But here, she's got some sort of ebola rash outbreak happening on her ass. Seriously, did Eli Roth direct this fuckin' movie?

And the guy she's fucking? Evan Stone. Goddammit man, I respected you...

To Chyna's credit though, she can actually deep throat. She took Evan Stone to the balls, that should count for something right? Maybe not. Oh God, there's anal! CHYNA IS GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS, FOLKS!! Never heard Good Ol' J.R. call that one. There's even ass-to-mouth, which is only acceptable when it's Rosario Dawson (see: Clerks 2). Evan Stone keeps telling her "Don't stop." Fuck that shit. Stop. At this point, my computer starts to act fucked up and the video actually moves in slow motion for several seconds. Really? Fuck you Dell.

She deepthroats him and he puts her in some sort of headlock with his legs. I think he's trying to choke her out and put an end to this madness but she's an athlete. No luck. Can't begrudge him for trying though.

- SCENE 4 -

Threesome time. Chyna, another girl, and a guy. The other girl is reasonably cute, but it's a moot point. My dick has already gone on strike. I'd have better luck getting an erection at Aschwitz right now.

The guy and the other girl damn near ignore Chyna in this scene, at least as much as they can. I'm pretty sure the other girl never once even lays a hand, much less a tongue, anywhere below Chyna's neck. The dude isn't so lucky and the paycheck demands he at least give both of the ladies somewhat equal treatment. When he's not fucking the cute blonde, he's watching her and clearly trying to ignore the horrendous furry canyon he's falling into dick-first.

Scene ends about the way most of these scenes do. Guy busts a load on 4 tits, Chyna makes "fuck me" eyes at the camera while the other chick makes "pay me" eyes at the camera.

- SCENE 5 -

Final scene, but they're not gonna let me get out of this unscathed. This is another threesome, this time....2 guys, 1 Chyna. Just what this porn needed to make me less aroused: more dingalings.

These guys give it their best shot though. They muster up as much enthusiasm as one can when entering a war zone and it's nearly convincing. Considering she's already done anal in this movie, I was bracing myself for the inevitable double penetration, but it never happened. Sequel anyone? I guess you can't give everything away in the first movie.

Mercifully, this atrocity ends in the usual way and I have another surreal moment of realizing one of the celebrities of my youth is taking jizzbombs on the chin for a living now.

Kill me.

This Week on Facebook: Special Edition

Special Edition means something that I need to say now that can’t wait until Thursday (or tomorrow but I actually started this fucker on Tuesday). Well it could but thanks to my adoring fans, Thursday’s TWOF is going to be huge and I have a lot to cover. So why not go ahead and talk about this now?

Monday, I posted a hilarious status (aren’t they all???) among all of the “Praise Jesus for killing Bin Laden” statuses referring to rednecks across this great nation of ours no longer being quite so pissy at Obama since the man that took Bush years to find (and never did, and even said it wasn’t a priority) was finally captured and killed (there are a multitude of pretty good Bin Laden statuses that you will see Thursday). I thought it was funny and hard to take seriously but just mainly poking fun at stupid country ass fuckholes that are in abundance down here. Apparently, they don’t take too kindly to that. Or at least a couple of them don’t.

You all know that I cannot resist making fun of people, especially when those people are super, super dumb. Now I am not being intelligence racist, here. Some of my very best friends are stupid. But sometimes I am in awe of all the stupidity and ignorance and I have to say something. Just something no matter how futile. It’s kind of like yelling at a small child when they cover the refrigerator in crayon drawings. They don’t know any better but you are the dumbass that gave them the crayons in the first place. I try my hardest every day to keep the crayons away from racist, ass-clown morons but sometimes I just have to. To see what they do. What did they do? They wrote all over the goddamned refrigerator again.

You know those people on Facebook that you can’t stand but you don’t want to delete them because you are lazy so you just hide them from your news feed and you kind of forget that they are around? Well Monday I was reminded of why two of them are hidden and why you should never, ever prod a moron.

Look, I know not everyone likes Obama. I get that. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I like him, I voted for him and I will vote for him again. I also feel the need to defend him and his actions, kind of like my loyalty to Harry Potter (Yes, I just compared our president to an imaginary wizard, go with it.). When people talk smack about the HP, I immediately go on the defensive and I come to his aid. He is a fictional character and even if he wasn’t, my defending him would be just as meaningless. But I feel people need to back up off him, he is doing the best he can. Voldemort is dead, after all, so he can’t be all bad! I feel the same way about Obama. You lay off my president as well as my favorite wizard!

So when I am STILL hearing comments (STILL!) about how all Muslims are terrorists and that Obama is a Muslim…Excuse me, your racism is showing.

I am not saying that all Obama haters are racist. Far from it and that would be very simple minded of me to think so, however don’t even try to tell me that a number of his haters aren’t close-minded bigots. They are and you can’t deny that.

And so when I got trolled by two extras from Deliverance, my first instinct was to ignore. You never, ever feed a troll. Ever. That is what they want. But I couldn’t help it. Sometimes you have to fuck with the idiots, it makes things interesting. With that being said, I am about to be real mean up in this bitch. I kept it off Facebook because I would be doing the same thing that I can’t stand, but this here is my blog that I can do whatever I want with. So I now present to you my running commentary on their comments and profiles, because I am a dick, that’s why:

Just so you know when you hear reasons of “Why they hate us” you are the physical embodiment of everything bad thing that America is known for, like jerking off to Fox News and hiding your huge close-minded, ignorant hick boner at the mere mention of Glenn Beck. I also wasn’t aware “red blooded American” was a political affiliation but I am sure Joe the Plumber is pleased. How you found someone that wants to be married to your fat American ass is beyond me but for the love of all free-thinking Americans, never procreate. There is enough stupidity in the world and it really breaks my heart to feel sorry for a child that gets stuck with douchers for parents. Wowza, did I just read this; “I don’t like liberal people because they are the reason American has become to [sic] civilized.” I think I did and I will wait here while you tell me what the fuck that even means, if you know what it means which I doubt you do. And I am in no way surprised to find the “Books” section completely blank but…not even the Bible??? Come on! Don’t tell me that is not your favorite book. And, really, “I fucked her” is a comment you made on my status days after the fact when engaging in small talk with a regular person? Classy! And very respectful of women! I am sure your fiancé is pleased. Oh wait…can she read? She can’t read, can she? Does she complain when you make her wear your Bill O’Reilly mask while she fucks you from behind with an oversized strap-on? I bet if she hasn’t yet, she will.  And go ahead and thank her now for letting you put the flaccid fuckery that makes up your dick anywhere near her. Woman is a saint! Oh and I also see that one “participates in truck pulls frequently,” my need to comment further just left me…

I will now share a damn fine comment on my status from Monday from reader (I think) and FB friend, Matt. It should close this out blog out nicely as it was said perfectly. I don’t know if this is from Matt or from somewhere else (it sounds familiar, I could google, I will not) but he posted it and I am sharing it here:

There are four rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body; and never defer to facts when you have some dumbshit rhetoric you can repeat like a parrot instead of thinking for yourself. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

Mmmmmmmm cream cheese….

He's pretty cute. You can't deny that.

What the Fuck is a Rhombus?

Who was the 23rd President of the United States? What is the capital of Vermont? Calculate the area of this triangle. What is the name of the largest bone in the human body?

These are the kinds of questions you get on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?, a mind-numbingly ridiculous show hosted by a comedian who's biggest claim to fame is redneck jokes and being out-funnied by everyone else on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, including Larry The Cable Guy, which has to sting at least a little bit.

Fuck this show, and here's why:

Not knowing the answers to these questions doesn't mean you're dumber than little Timmy the 5th Grade Pants Pisser. Nobody in Timmy's class likes him anyway, I promise. Jeffrey the Bully sits behind him in math flicking his ear, every fuckin' day. Timmy's gonna grow up bitter about it and shoot up his school during his sophomore year, only to go down in a hail of police gunfire. Which, I suppose, is sort of a cool way to go out. But for now, there's nothing cool about Timmy. Fuck Timmy, Timmy sucks.

Sorry, I get sidetracked.

A bunch of little fuckin' Timmy's.

In school, only the first formative years (where you learn reading, writing, spelling, and basic math) are scholastically important. Hear me out here. Those basics are the things you need to know in order to not spend your entire life asking if people want fries with that. What the fuck is wrong with you? Of course I want fries with that. See how stupid you are?

Once you hit, let's say, 4th grade, they begin filling your head with shit you will NEVER use. When is the last time you had to figure out the area of a rhombus? How often do you divide fractions or use letters in your math? When's the last time you used a goddamn Bunson burner?

I'm not saying that kids should just quit school after 3rd or 4th grade. But I will say that all of the knowledge I use in my every day life, all the information that I use to get from day to day, I learned 95% of it outside of the classroom and through experience and living. Most of the "learning" you do in school (especially in high school) will never apply to your adult life.

The most important things people learn in school are structure and social skills. The book learning, the tests and shit...forget it. By all means, try not to fail. From kindergarten to your graduation, school sucks wall-to-wall. Lord knows you don't want to spend more time than necessary there, so don't prolong it by repeating years. Nobody wants to be that 20 year old senior. And read. Read read read. But read for fun. Broaden your mind, don't waste your time reading the books in your history class. Most of that is watered down bullshit anyway. The true history of this country is way more fun and bloody than they make it out to be.

Be social. Most of adult life involves wheeling and dealing, talking to people, making decisions, reading people and understanding motives while creating your own. That's not something you learn in a classroom. That's the kind of thing you learn in the hallways, during lunch, and on weekends. It's the kind of thing you pick up by experience and dealing with people.

So could I answer all of the questions on that dumb fuck show? No. But could that 5th grader negotiate thousands of dollars off a new car? Could he impress in a job interview? Does he have the self-confidence necessary to fuck a chick, get caught by his wife, and have to explain his way out of it with a straight face? No. Kids suck at lying.

But I can do all those things. Probably. I hope. Basically, I'm just saying, fuck Timmy and fuck Jeff Foxworthy.

Pinch Me. See what happens.

You're welcome

Oh St. Patricks Day…I really don’t care about you but I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t gulp down a Guinness in about 35 seconds. Sigh. And I have never done an Irish car bomb in my life but I would do one right now. I would do several, if you want me to be honest here.

I did not wear green today because I completely forgot what day it was and, also, I don’t care as I said above. I have yet to be pinched, I am pretty sure that HR would be called if I were to be pinched. Plus, there are very few people around here that I wouldn’t mind if they pinched me, hubba hubba (not really).

What kind of asshole actually pinches someone that isn’t wearing green?

I actually looked up why you get pinched for failing to wear green and I got about a dozen different answers and all of them seemed super dumb. I have come to the conclusion however that being pinched is an American thing which doesn’t surprise me at all. Way to whore out other traditions from other countries and change them around to suit you, America. Cinco de Mayo, anyone?

Anyway, everyone have a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day! Get drunk. Get laid. All that good stuff. I will be doing neither and kinda really only bummed about the one (but which one?)

Also, green beer is stupid. It needed to be said.

Dear Glee, Fuck off. Love, Memphis

I hate Glee, we know this. The last episode was about sex education (I think?) and within the first few minutes, The Goop said something along the lines of 90 teens getting pregnant within six months at Frayser High School here in our great city of Memphis.

Apparently, the people of Frayser are pissed. They want an apology from her about it. Teen pregnancy isn’t the coolest but it will probably be around until the end of time. It’s unfortunate, but it happens. Ninety teenagers getting knocked-up in six months at the same school??? Maybe concentrate less on a television show and more on showing your kids how to work a condom or how to take birth control?

I do not think that The Goop owes Frayser an apology. For one, she didn’t write that. The writers of that terrible show wrote it so why should she be penalized for reading off a script? She shouldn’t. Should the writers have to apologize? Not at all. It happened. It’s news. It was even on the Today show. But, the apology isn’t the point I am trying to make here. My point: You quit with the Memphis smack talk!

Okay, so we had one of the worst mayors in the history of all time. We also can’t keep our schools in order and we are known around the world because of vast amounts of corruption and violent crime. All of these things are true (even though we are now the 12^th most violent city in America! Winning). We have all kinds of seemingly insurmountable problems. But I can point out all the ways that Memphis sucks. You can’t. I am a native Memphian and I will say this with pride. Outsiders are not, therefore, shut your dirty whoreish mouth.

You see, I can talk shit about Memphis. I live here, I have earned the right (Okay, technically I have spent the majority of my life in Bartlett, I lived in Southaven for a few years and now I live in Collerville, but still. No one knows what those places are so I just say “Memphis’). Others? Not so much. It just isn’t cool.

Let me throw an example at you:

Growing up, my sister and I both had a pretty severe case of buck teeth. We sucked our thumbs much, much longer than we should have (I was 12…I know). Christy and I are four years apart so the only time that we were ever at the same school together was when I was in first and second grade and she was in fifth and sixth grade. We rode the bus because my parents didn’t have time to be fucking around with taking kids to school. One day when I was in the second grade (Christy was in the sixth), there was a girl (an ugly one) on the bus talking shit about my big sister and her buck teeth. For some reason, Christy wasn’t around that day (and I am not even sure she knows this story) but there this bitch was having a laugh at my sister’s expense. Not cool. So me, in all of my seven years, spoke up to this girl who was at least ten:

“Shut-up! That’s my sister!”

Not exactly a third-degree burn, but I was seven. I remember this girl looking at me, very puzzled. She wasn’t sure what to say back to this seven-year-old who just took up for her sister so she did what I said and she shut-up. I never heard another insulting word from this girl again.

You see, I can talk shit about my sister’s buck teeth. I can point out her flaws in a mean-spirited way. I am her sister. I grew up with her and I lived through being her little sister. I have earned the right to insult her. Other people have not. The same goes for Memphis.

If you have lived here all your life excuse me while I step aside so you can get on your soapbox and publicly lambaste our fine city. You have earned that right. Knock yourself out. I will even help you down. But if you haven’t, I am about to act exactly like you would expect a Memphian to act and scratch your eyes out (or shoot you) right after I rob you blind. Don’t test me. I’m from Memphis (Bartlett)!

And this is sort of off the subject but not really: If I ever hear any non-graduate of the University of Memphis ever, EVER call it “Tiger High.” I will cut a bitch. With a shiv. Nothing infuriates me more. And has anyone ever noticed that the very people that call it “Tiger High” didn’t even go to college?! You can fuck right off.

Asshole Monday: Meat Eaters

Don’t like it when I use obscene amounts of profanity? You may want to skip today. You’ve been warned.

I am not in the best of moods today as it’s Monday, it’s raining and I have a headache the size of…something really big. I don’t know. But me being in a slightly pissy mood can only help out this long standing blog tradition of Asshole Monday.

Look. I don’t give a fucking fuck about people that eat meat. You can eat meat all day long and up a dog’s ass for all I care. Knock yourself out. What you do with yourself is your business. I don’t judge people for eating meat and I don’t look down on people for eating meat. I am not one of those vegetarians. The angry kind that hates everyone. That is not me. Free to eat you and me, I say. And I don’t give anyone grief about eating meat, ever. But oh the colossal amounts of shit I get for not eating meat.

I find myself slowly becoming more militant about my vegetarianism. You know why? Because of meat eaters.

There has got to be something in the blood of a cow or in the veins of a chicken that makes some (not all, don’t leave me your meat-eating comment fuckery anywhere about how you are different) meat-eaters the dumbest, most condescending fuckholes on the planet.

I am pretty sure it has a lot to do with being in the south. I would have to say that vegetarians are few and far between down here, and that is all well and good. But those of us that are down here are sick of your shit. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on that you would more than likely eat if it came down to it.

I don’t know why meat eaters find the subject of vegetarianism so laughable but it’s like the joke is brand new to them every day. “Let’s offer the vegetarian some meat, that will be funny.” No, no it is not. It’s asinine and stupid and it makes you look like a dickhead of the utmost degree. Here is an example:

Of the few people that I work with that I see every day and talk to every day, there is one, only one, that gives me constant, daily shit about meat. Everyone else, super understanding and supportive. Couldn’t ask for better. But this one dude…

Today, he asked if KFC still had the Double Down. Yes, the super gross sandwich that forgoes the bun, because bread is bad for you, and replaces the bun with chicken breasts. Basically, This is Why You’re Fat. And I knew what was coming:

“Stacey, you want me to pick you up one? Heh heh.”

“No thanks, I am good on that.”

“We can split it and that way it won’t be that much chicken.”

“Any amount of chicken is too much chicken. We have been through this one thousand times. Chicken is still meat.”

”Heh, but I won’t tell anybody!”

It’s almost like they think that if no one knows about it, I would still eat meat. Like I sit alone in a dark room and suck the meat off chicken wings and then I wash them down with my protein-deprived tears. It’s ridiculous and condescending.

If I was Jewish would you poke fun at me for not eating non-kosher foods? I am going to say no. If I was allergic to a certain kind of animal flesh, would you jokingly offer to buy it for me for lunch? No, you wouldn’t. If I was Indian and didn’t believe in the eating of animals, would you still say “Oh, it’s just a little chicken, it won’t hurt anyone.” Pretty sure no.

And you know why you wouldn’t do any of these things? Because it makes you a shitty asshole. That’s why.

My reasons for not eating meat are respectable and warranted. I know what I am talking about when I explain myself and it is a life that I have chosen for myself. So take your KFC double-down and go double down on these nuts, because I have had more than enough of this bullshit.

And let me say this on behalf of every vegetarian/ vegan on this here planet we live on: It’s not us, it’s YOU. You are the reason we go on the defensive whenever the subject of food is brought up. You are the reason you roll your own eyes when I say I don’t eat meat. You are the reason that vegetarians get such a bad rap. YOU. Not me.You.

Rage Blackout: Better things to do in two hours than drive in snow

Good day, my little assholes. I am returning from a snow day that was spent with two buck wild ass kids and finishing an afghan (pictures coming soon, if anyone cares) and by nightfall the streets were driveable enough for me to venture out and get vodka, PRIORITIES!

There were something close to 300 wrecks yesterday from people driving on the ice to get wherever and I was not about to be one of them so I stayed my ass home along with everyone else in Memphis.

It took me and everyone else in the Mid-south billions of light years to make it home in the snow on Wednesday and I am pretty sure I effectively cursed out everyone on the road.

The roads were fine when I first left work but the TWO HOURS it took for me to get home, the more it snowed. And the more it snowed, the colder it got and the more it froze creating ice which is, obviously, much worse to drive on. Duh.

So if every fucktard in Memphis would have just driven more than 15 mph (this is not hyperbole, they were all seriously driving this slowly) everyone would have beaten the ice and the majority of the snow and we all would have made it home safely and in an reasonable amount of time. But no.

Snow in the south momentarily kills rational thought and much-needed brain cells in half the population so no one but me, my mom, my sister and half my sympathizing Facebook friends* were intelligent enough to carry out my same train of thought but it really didn’t matter thanks to the thousands of dumbasses on the road. I was tense and screaming the majority of the way home. Yes, screaming solves nothing and no one could hear me, but it made me feel better.

Anyway, it took me two hours when it normally only takes 40 minutes max to get home. I live pretty far out there but on no planet, time zone or space time continuum should  it take me that long to get home. Do you know what else I could have been doing in the two hours (120 minutes) it took me to get home? I could have (no one should be surprised that most of these are food related):

Watched 5 ½ episodes of Community (without commercials)

Watched 2 ½ episodes of Intervention (without commercials)

Drank no less than 3 beers

Crocheted a scarf

Crocheted two hats

Gotten a good sized tattoo

Gotten my hair cut, colored, dryed and styled

Made a loaf of bread using rapid rise yeast

Driven to Little Rock

Washed and dried a load of laundry

Mixed, baked, iced and eaten a batch of cupcakes

Played two games of Tetris (I am really good at Tetris)

Dehydrated fruit

Read several chapters of a book

Written several chapters of a book

Read a children’s book eight times

Had a minor out-patient procedure (submitted by D.P.)

Completed a semi-difficult crossword puzzle and then taken a nap

Bled to death

Watched The Human Centipede and then had my brain washed to forget I had just watched The Human Centipede

Painted a small room

Made and eaten homemade ice cream

Taught a small child how to eat with a fork

Driven to Memphis Pizza Café, ordered, eaten an entire pizza, stayed for another beer, paid my bill, driven home and watched Parks and Recreation.

Driven to Carnival Food, eaten five funnel cakes, thrown them up, bought a candy apple for the road and driven home.

Made a mental list of things that can be done in two hours.

I could have done all of these things and countless others, but instead I was stuck in the Element cursing out strangers to drive just a little faster before I lost my mind completely.

When I finally made it home my sister was already there and drinking a beer which impressed me to say the least. She suggested I do the same and I happily obliged.

Feel free to share your rage over the driving conditions you experienced on Wednesday or if you were brave enough to leave the house on Thursday morning. I’d love to hear them. Or, what can YOU do in two hours???

*Not really sure what people did while stuck in traffic before smart phones. Yes, it was dangerous to update my fb status while driving in snow and comment on everyone else’s status but when you aren’t moving and basically parked on the interstate along with the dumbest people alive, it really doesn’t matter.

Some Zach Morris-like Shenanigans are Afoot

And now for the blog everyone has been waiting for. Blogtroversy: 2011

I got an email and text yesterday from Daniel telling me to check my email, his blog has been ripped off. The horror! And excitment!

Remember the Community is Saved by the Bell blog Daniel did last week? Well someone has found it and tried to pass it off as their own. Or that was our initial reaction.

The official statement of the writers and editor of Inconsequential Garbage is no comment.

No, I’m just fucking with you. You think I wouldn’t comment? Please! Something semi-exciting and scandalous happened on my stupid blog, OF COURSE I’m going to comment on it.

I nor Daniel can say that it was stolen and dumbed down quite a bit to make it look different. It could be a large coincidence, kind of like wearing the same shirt the same day as someone else if a shirt was copy and pasteable. The similarities are there so I can’t exactly say, "Yeah, what a coincidence." But I have no clue if this person stole it. I have no way of knowing.

If it was stolen he probably figured that no one would ever see it here on this blog and, let’s all be honest here, he was right. However, he’s not just an unoriginal dude but he’s also kinda dumb. No one saw it here but Daniel saw it there. It has been seen.

See for yourself on Splitsider And on Buzzfeed

Daniel’s post was not only much better and more in depth but it was also posted a few days before this sub-par one. Come on now...

Of course it may have been something that this dude dreamed up the first episode of Community and he poured over it for over a year spending all of his free time perfecting and fine-tuning it, it’s not like he has a girlfriend (or boyfriend).

Again, not saying it was stolen. But are either Daniel or myself going to be mature about it and ignore it? Not at all. That just isn’t our style.

Daniel’s Official Statement:

Honestly, I'm not pissed. It's coincidental as hell, for sure, but to assume the guy stole my blog is a bit silly. For one, his was short, poorly written, and nowhere near as in-depth as mine. Why would you steal something good, make it suck, and then claim it as your own?

So no, I don't think it was stolen. I just think someone else came to the same conclusions I did at nearly the same time and wrote it in a similar list-like fashion. Hey, stranger shit has happened. Have you seen a platypus*?

I was butthurt that his short, crappy version got a bunch of attention and links on bigger name websites (Splitsider & Buzzfeed  while I was typing this up it has since been posted on Reddit). But it's cool yo, shit happens. Stick around, I'll continue to be funny in other ways.
If I get hate mail from this I am totally going to do a back flip. Well I am going to learn how to do a back flip and then I will do one.

*The platypus really takes a beating on this blog.

So I hear your zodiac symbol changed...

How can anyone freak out about anything when there are uni-corn holders in the world???

Okay people, let’s all take a deep breath.

So yesterday or the day before or whenever, the zodiac signs supposedly changed for some reason or another and everyone is, like, super pissy about it. My question: Why?

I have always been either a Gemini or a Cancer. I am on the cusp as they say and depending on what chart or whatever you check, I can be either/or with my birthday being June 21^st.  Now I am a Cancer, I believe. Which I sort of always have been but regardless, again, who cares?

Is there anyone out there who is going to be greatly affected by this? Has your life changed monumentally because of astrology? Are you not the same asshole you once were now that, supposedly, you’re a Libra instead of a….whatever comes after Libra? I’m going to say you probably are.

In an effort to be a more efficient blogger I have actually done some research for you people so we can all have a better of understanding of what everyone is flipping out about.  However, I am not so efficient that I am going to break it down for you in layman’s terms because I am not that smart but I will provide you with a helpful link if anyone cares so go here my little assholes. 

If you want me to break it down for you very, very simply: All kinds of shit in space has, like, shifted and now your zodiac symbol has probably changed but it really doesn’t matter because it’s all garbage created by hippies (no disrespect hippies, love you!) so everyone can calm down.

I have never held much stock in horoscopes or any of that mess. I have never met a horoscope that was right and I have never read a zodiac breakdown about myself that was accurate, for example let’s break down a few things about both Cancer and Gemini since I am sort of both and see how accurately they describe me:

Cancer Strengths: - Loyalty (yeah, probably) – Dependable (for the most part)  – Caring (absolutely) – Adaptable (umm…) – Responsive (Yes)

Cancer Weakness: - Moody (totally) – Clingy (not especially) - Self-pitying (for sure)  –Oversensitive (not really) - Self-absorbed (no doubt, but how is this a weakness???)

Gemini Strengths: - Energetic (ha!) - Clever (duh!) – Imaginative (absolutely) – Witty (I have my moments) – Adaptable (apparently I should be very adaptable)

Gemini Weakness:  Superficial (all day long) – Impulsive (not at all) – Restless (not so much) – Devious (you say that like it’s a bad thing) – Indecisive (who me? I don’t think so…

Okay so maybe I didn’t prove my case completely that zodiac signs and meanings are bullshit, but whatever. I am sure I can find parts of myself in every sign.

Anyhoo, everyone calm the fuck down. There are more important things you should be worried about than what BS sign you now identify with, I assure you. Like, did you know that you can comment on my blog? True Story. You totally can. Let’s try that now…

Every Kiss Begins with Kill Me Now

You know, now that I get to thinking about it, I do have an asshole to talk about that should have been discussed on Monday. A big one.

There are few things more annoying to me than commercials. DVR is genius because you never have to watch commercials again. Ever. You can skip over all that garbage. In this house, we don’t have DVR yet so I have been forced to watch everything live which is, in my opinion, hell. 

Out of all the annoying commercials out there, my least favorite has to be: Every kiss begins with Kay.

And now since it’s Christmas and clueless husbands don’t know what to get their wives every commercial break contains at least one of these commercials. And they are all terrible, vomit inducing, horribleness. The worst kind of cheese: sentimental jewelry cheese.

I am not a jewelry wearer. I would rather have electronics or school supplies. I would take a pencil case over a tennis bracelet all day long, I am a low key girl. That’s why I don’t understand why chicks go batshit over jewelry. It’s the most thoughtless gift ever. Give that bitch some diamonds, that’ll shut her up.

The premise of these commercials is pretty simple: He really loves you because he gave you jewelry…Really? Come on, now.

What happened was he doesn’t know you well enough to get you anything personal or special so he went to a jewelry store, shelled out the cash (you totes could have gotten an xbox for that) in exchange for whatever they had on hand, probably had it wrapped at the store, put it under the tree until Christmas morning and then handed it over. Not a thought involved. Bravo, guy. You watched a commercial. Here’s your cookie and your piece of mandatory ass.

I am not saying jewelry can’t be personal, not at all. I am sure it happens all the time. But these commercials aren’t selling personal, special jewelry, they are selling mass-produced franchise jewelry to clueless men disguising it as love and devotion and security.

Yes, security. In one of these commercials, and perhaps my least favorite, it’s raining outside (scary rain!) and it thunders or something (because, you know, thunder can kill you) and the chick gets scared (of course she does) and the guy comes up behind her and tells her not to worry that he is always here and he always will be. And how does he show that? He gives her jewelry, duhs!

I’m pretty sure Kay Jewelers is responsible for 25% of my Christmas hatred this year. Thanks, Kay! Every kiss begins with you’ve ruined my life.

An Open Letter to the Bitches of Bridalplasty:

Hold my bag while I punch someone in the face

Ladies, I know that most if not all of you are teetering on the edge of madness seeing as how you have as much self-esteem as a duck-billed platypus (they just seem like they have really low self-esteem, the platypus), but these are things you need to hear. I’m here to help, not harm. Tough. Love.

First of all, really? You went on television to tell the world you want to fix your butt-face before you get married? Really? Come on, now. I am assuming you are all fame-whores but this is not the way to go about it. Become an internet meme like everyone else.

I am all for you wanting to look your best. I say if there is anything that you can do to yourself to make you feel better or sexy or hot or a tranny hot mess, do it. If plastic surgery is the route you want to take, I say go for it. Whatever makes you happy, man. But you are for real fighting bitches on television so you can have plastic surgery before you get married. You are competing for nose jobs and liposuction. You do know you can get those yourself, right? It’s not something exclusive that you have to go through E! for. True story. True Hollywood story.

Do you ever hear people say, “Bitches are crazy!” yeah, they are talking about you. All of you. You are all the collective bitches they are speaking of. So, thanks for that. You are making us all look bad.

I am sure that you are all worthwhile human beings with original thoughts and feelings and personalities. So my question is why, for the love of all the Petes, why do you feel this is what you need to do to yourself? On television!

I realize that this is only partly your fault. It’s a reality show and regular ass people love to go on them, I can’t fully fault you for that. Mostly I blame E! for all of it. You just went on the show and those manical fucks dreamed up the show to begin with because they knew that bitches have low self-esteem and wow do they love their dream weddings. However, I am sure they put out a call for all engaged crazy bitches and you all came running. Sad, sad day. You didn’t have to say yes, but you did, didn’t you? You knew what you were getting yourselves into and that is why you all sort of disgust me, whether this is your fault or not.

You are all a cum stain on the sheets of feminism and you make me sad to be a woman.

Update: My sources (the 42 different blogs I read) tell me that the show got SHIT ratings, which, AWESOME. Bravo, America. Bravo. You did something wonderful here by ignoring these assholes. I can’t thank you enough. You know, I think we are going to be alright, America. Everything is going to be fine.

Now You've Gone and Made me All Stabby!

Okay, people, have a seat. Please. We need to have a talk. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I see no other option. I thought the problem would just fade away. I thought I wouldn’t still be hearing about this. But here we are. And you only have yourselves to blame.

Usually I am a let your freak flag fly, do what you want, whatever makes you happy kind of gal, but enough is enough.

See all that Ed Hardy mess? YOU paid for it!

Stop watching Jersey Shore. Stop. And I don’t want to hear your excuses. I have heard them all and they are all invalid and annoying.

But, Stacey, It’s so FUNNY! – No, no it is not. It is stupid. It is a stupid show on a stupid network about stupid people. Just by you watching it, it makes you stupid. It’s a vicious cycle of stupidity.

But, Stacey, I just like to make fun of it – There is a world FULL of things that you can make fun of.  Look on Facebook for five minutes, that alone will give you a weeks worth of things to mock.

But, Stacey, It’s a guilty pleasure – There should be no pleasure in watching a house full of orange assholes become rich and famous by doing nothing more than being orange assholes. They are famous for nothing more than being idiots. The only valid way to watch this show is alone, in a darkened room while you silently shove your face full of Zingers and cry into your meth pipe. And if this is how you watch it, go right ahead, but I am going to need to see that meth pipe.

But, Stacey, It is, like, so entertaining – Shut your stupid face. There are oodles of entertaining shows that get cancelled every day. Shows with storylines, and redeeming characters, and a plot.  Watch those.

And I know that none of you are going to tell me that you find any of these asshats attractive…are you? *crickets* …that’s what I thought.

If you really want me to get real with the honesty here, let me break it down: You watching this show just makes me think less of you, it really does. Some of my good friends watch this show, my own father watches this mess, and I have no problem telling them, “I now look down on you for watching this nonsense.” And this is coming from someone who watches terrible television and movies.

I have seen the movie John Tucker Must Die no less than a dozen times. I watched both Rock of Love and Rock of Love: Charm School. I would watch The Real Housewives of Bucksnort if it should happen to come on Bravo. I love most things crappy, but I actively HATE this show and the majority of its fan base.

My only hope is that one day one of these worthless pieces of self-tanned shit will come out in support of Sarah Palin or some such nonsense and we can all go, “SEE! J-Wow came out in support of this evangelical Tea Party winking lunatic. Do you see how stupid you all look now?”  That is the only good that can ever come out of this show. Ever.  

Jersey Shore is why every other country hates America, and if it goes on any longer, the terrorists have officially won. Well done, AMERICA!