You're Welcome Theater: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Can it be “You’re Welcome Theater” if I didn’t like the movie I am talking about and I would advise everyone to not watch it?

I don’t know how many times I have mentioned on this blog that I refuse to watch The Human Centipede. Well, I finally watched it.

Just look at that for a minute...that's the whole movie. The end.

I have never seen Two Girls, One Cup but I have heard about it and that was more than enough. I have never had any desire to watch it as I would for real vomit. So I just listened to the brief, very vague description that Daniel gave it, “Yeah, don’t watch it. You will hate yourself and all of humanity. Just don’t watch it.” Then he told me what it was along with the description “Bill Cosby's chocolate pudding nightmare gone awry” and I agreed to not watch it and I have been happy with this decision.

I came to that same exact decision when dealing with The Human Centipede. I learned what it was about and what happens and I decided for myself that I did not want to watch that movie. And then I’ll be damned if I wasn’t forced to watch that movie.

Forced is a strong word, I think. It was suggested to me via Michael that since neither of us had seen it that we could watch it together. So Tuesday night we sat down, brought up Netflix instant, and we started to watch this fucking movie. For anyone that is trying to avoid any spoilers for this movie, stop reading now. I am about to spoil the shit out of some shit (literally).

Okay so this crazy, creepy madman used to be a world renowned German (of course) surgeon that used to separate Siamese twins. I guess he got so sick of separating them that he wanted to conjoin a few??? I don’t know. So he starts out with his three pet Rottweilers or, “My Sweet Three Dog” as he calls it. Yes, he did it with dogs first. I don’t know which one is worse or more fucked up that he did this to dogs or humans.

So he joins three dogs ass to mouth and then the dog(s) dies so he now he wants to try it with humans because of course he does. So he finds two dumb American bitches (because of course they are) and an Asian dude that speaks no English to be the centipede head, so to speak. And the rest of the movie is three people sewn together ass to mouth (take a second to think about that. Sewn. Ass to mouth. Let that simmer) and Crazy German Madman treating them as his pet even…feeding time. Sigh. Here is where it gets gross and where to I had to look away and plug my ears…

You see…the whole point (?) of this experiment (?) is so the feces of the first one can then feed the other people involved. Meaning, yeah, you have to swallow some shit. And the back two people, all they get is shit. The first one eats regular food then poops as people do, then the second one eats the poop and then the third one eats the ingested poop of the first via the second. This is where my entire issue with this movie lies. It’s gross and so, so fucked up.  Imagine living a day of your life with your mouth sewn to anyone’s asshole. It sounds terrible, yes? Absolute complete and utter “Seriously, you need to kill me now” misery. And if you did survive that hell, how would you even live a semi-normal life after that? You couldn’t. You would be fucked up for a long time for sure.

I would love to tell you how it ends, if I had watched it long enough. I did not. For a movie to be so fucked up that even I won’t finish it, you know it is fucked up. I checked the time left on the movie before it was turned off and we still had a good 30 minutes left. Thirty minutes that I had zero intention of ever watching.

So there you have it, I watched The Human Centipede (First Sequence) and now I hate myself. There is a sequel coming out with 12 people in the “centipede” so someone else out there can tell me how that movie went. I read the synopsis and I just…I can’t…no. Just, no…

You're Welcome Theater: New Shit

Okay so I watch a lot of movies which should surprise no one. I employ all forms of movie watching be it Red Box or Netflix or whatever and, unfortunately, not every movie is a winner. In a better effort to inform you people of good and bad things I am going to give you a run down of the latest new(ish) releases that I have recently watched.

I am going to leave my thoughts, feelings, praise and hatred for each movie with no plot synopsis. If you are interested enough in the movie and don’t know what it is about, click on the title and that will take you to Pajiba and you can read what they said about the movie and you can get an inkling as to what it is about.

Buried: I really wanted to like this movie and for a movie about a shirted Ryan Reynolds buried in a pine box, they did a lot with it. And I think it would have liked it had it not been the most upsetting movie I have seen in a long time. But Ryan Reynolds rocks the shit in it, abs or no abs.

Due Date: It has Robert Downey Jr. in it. I should just stop right there. You need to know nothing else. It is, of course, exactly what you expect it to be but it was funny and it has my boyfriend RDJ in it (and my mistress, Zach Galifianakis – I like chubby dudes…). Go ahead and watch it. I doubt you will regret it. It won’t change any lives but it’s fun.

Love and Other Drugs: Never watch this movie. I had higher hopes for something that Anne Hathaway was in but I was severely let down. I realize it is a shitty romantic comedy but I do like her and I am going to go ahead and reconsider my love for her after watching this piece of shit. I couldn’t even make it through the entire movie and I was crocheting and doing other things. Meaning, I couldn’t even have this shit on in the background. It was that bad.

127 Hours: I don’t think I have been this uncomfortable watching a movie since Black Swan. And if you don’t like James Franco (how could you not like James Franco???), you may want to avoid it altogether. For everyone that knows anything about this movie you can pretty much tell why it’s so uncomfortable; you are waiting for the one part that you heard about. And it is a long wait. Not quite 127 hours long of a wait, but a long wait nonetheless. Solid film. Hard to watch.

Case 39: Sigh. As much as I want to like a story about a really fucked up evil child who persuades people to kill others, I just couldn’t. I blame this in large part to Squinty McSquints and the Emutard (yes, emu) that starred in this piece of shit. You can go ahead and watch it if you must, but it’s pointless and terrible. But it is a cautionary tale to never have children.

It’s Kind of a Funny Story: Before you get all “Hey, Zach Galifianakis is in it, it has to be funny!” let me tell you that it is not that kind of movie. It is a “funny story” but it could also very well be a “quirky kinda depressing story.” That being said, I kind of love it but I like quirky, off the beaten path kind of shit. I have a feeling that lots of fan of Zachs (first name basis and his last name is long) would be bored to tears with this movie. I liked it and if you have a predilection towards quirk and mental hospitals, it’s for you.

Winter’s Bone: This is not a bad movie by any means but it is going to make you feel bad in general. You could also look at this like “Hey at least it isn’t me…” kind of thing, because this is an upsetting ass movie. A good one but not one that I am in any hurry to ever watch again, ever.

Exit Through the Gift Shop: Be warned this is a documentary. I like documentaries, lots of people don’t. I thought it was great and super interesting about something I thought I would never be interested in and that is street art. Since I am pretty much on the internet all day I see all kinds of images that I am like “Hmmm….where did that come from?” and a lot of it comes from street art. More than you might think. It’s worth a watch and I was skeptical at first as well but I ended up really liking it.

Catfish: Holy potatoes was this a damn good movie. It is another documentary but for someone that is on Facebook more than I care to admit, it really made me think. And don’t let anyone spoil this for you so I will tell you nothing more. Good movie. Great modern documentary about all the fuckery that gets carried out on social networking sites. Everyone should watch it.

So there you go. I hope it helped someone out there to not rent or waste their time on a truly awful movie. I do what I can around here.

And if anyone has any suggestions on movies I should watch next, you know what to do.

You're Welcome Theater: Half Baked

It’s 4/20 so in honor of this most excellent of days, I am picking Half Baked. And, also, I love this movie. Truth be told, this is easily one of my all time favorite movies and I would lying if I said I haven’t seen it upwards of 50 times. 

"50 times?!?!"

What’s that? A movie where no humans die (RIP, Killer) bloody in terrible accidents or by alien, zombie-making worms? I know, right? I am mad versatile, yo.

“So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it.”

I will run down the plot for you quickly, but everyone should have seen this movie at least once in their lifetime and if they haven’t, I just kind of feel sorry for you: A group of pothead friends join forces to sell weed to bail their friend Kenny out of jail after he accidentally killed a cop’s diabetic horse by feeding it various stoner snacks like celery, red popcorn, pizzas, a whole lot of water, peanut butter, graham crackers, grape jelly and what was that stuff? We used to eat it all the time back in the day???... It’s a pretty cut and dry plot and, like most movies I will be reviewing, the plot doesn’t matter. The clip above (I have figured out how to post vides, GO ME!) is one of my favorite parts in the movie. Truer words were never spoken and I giggle every time I hear it.

“You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO.”

It’s just a very funny movie. Should you watch it sober? I am going to say no, you should not. I never have so I can’t tell you what that experience is like, but I am thinking it wouldn’t be the optimal viewing experience for this movie.

“What part of Jamaica are you from?”

“Right near da beach”

Half Baked also has an admittedly underrated, very funny cast. Dave Chappelle really can’t do a whole hell of a lot wrong ever, especially when he is talking about weed. And Scarface remains one of my favorite movie characters of all time. When Guillermo Diaz appears in anything, I get a little excited and I usually end up yelling “SCARFACE!” at the screen while I do a small happy dance. Also, everyone in the movie seems like they are just having a great time making it, you know? Sure, they may all be stoned while making it, but you can tell they all enjoy the ridiculous writing and the stoner jokes and everyone is just there to make a dumb movie and have fun with it. A good time will be had by anyone that watches it, I promise.

The doctor said I need a backiotomy

You know those movies that you watch and all it does is remind you of you and your dumbass friends watching the movie together and being ridiculous? That is what Half Baked does for me. It reminds me of a simpler time in Lynnfield when I didn’t so much give a fuck about anything ever and I just sat there with my pals and drank frozen drinks and painted kitchens hideous colors and made disturbing vulgar word arrangements with fridge magnets. Those were the days, and Half Baked takes me back to those days. Ahhh to be young and really, really stupid again…

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, and fuck you, I’m out!”

Age I would let my nephews watch: They could watch it now but they would probably be pretty bored with it and lose interest quickly. If nothing is blowing up or no one is being murdered and there are not car chases or wizards or dragons or whatever, they don’t so much care to watch it.



You're Welcome Theater: Final Destination(s)

The first one is my favorite

 There have been four of these movies made already and they are working on a fifth and I could not be more pumped. But you can pick any of the previous four and be just fine. No need to catch up or watch anything in order, you know what is coming regardless.

Most people scoff at my love for the Final Destination movies, but I care not. And some may refer to these movies as their secret shame/ guilty pleasure. To these people, I say cowboy up and admit that you like them already. There is no shame in liking ridiculously bad movies. No one judges here.

These movies are my jam. I never tire of rewatching them and they have easily withstood their awesomeness throughout multiple viewings.

Let me say now that they are all bad movies. I am not trying to convince anyone that there is cinematic relevance here.  There is none. They aren’t even good horror movies as they have no suspense, surprises or fake-outs. Everyone you see will die and you are even given the order they will die if you pay attention which you don’t have to.  

The plot is simple; there is no plot. A character at the beginning of each movie gets a premonition from God, Lucifer, Sam Winchester, whoever, of everyone around them dying a terrible death and that person freaks out and everyone they just saw die manages to escape their imminent death…momentarily. Everyone in the movie dies except, maybe, the person and their love interest. But usually they bite it too and you are left with all characters dead. That may be disappointing to some but you have to understand that every character in these movies is terrible and you could care less whether they live or die.



That is not going to end well for either of you...FYI



Everyone you see on screen is going to die. And not only that, they are going to die comically terrible deaths. And it’s awesome. Where else can you see someone get hit by a bus and a speeding ambulance, impaled through the eye with a fire-escape ladder, decapitated by elevator doors, burned alive in overheated tanning beds, and drown in the deep end of swimming pool while their internal organs are being sucked out by a pool drain? No where else in any other movie, I assure you.

Ouchies!

Some movies you might feel saddened by the death of a main character but with Final Destionation you are usually greedily staring at the screen with your fists clenched yelling, “Die, bitches, die!” Ok, that’s a little extreme but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. Just think of all those people that you wish death upon throughout your day. People you can’t stand like douchebags who listen to Creed or Nickelback, or uppity self-obsessed soccer moms with huge SUVs…you get to see these die awesomely bloody. Or maybe you’re a well adjusted person that doesn’t wish death on douche nozzles that wear diamond encrusted horseshoe pinky rings, but you should. It’s healthy to wish harm upon others, I swear.

Seriously great (read: entertaining, not award-winning) movies that are fun for the whole family (maybe not). Give em a gander, you won’t regret it, but if you do, you only have yourselves to blame.

Age I would let my nephews watch them: Not any time soon. If the language was better, I might say 10 or so but it’s pretty terrible, not to mention gore every which way you turn, so maybe 12. I might always just go with 12. And Garrett has seen bits and pieces of a few of them, but I won’t let him sit there and watch them, no.

You're Welcome Theater*: Slither

Okay so you know those movies that you can watch any time? They are your favorites and no matter how many times you have seen them, you can still sit and watch it. Whether it comes on TV or it’s a DVD or whatever, it’s a movie that you always enjoy? I have a lot of these movies and a number of them I am sure that lots of people have never seen. So from now on, here and there, I will be reviewing these movies. Well reviewing and basically gushing about how awesome they are and how everyone should watch them to better humanity. So here we go. First up, Slither.  

“My easy-going nature is gettin’ sorely fuckin’ tested.”

When I tell people that Slither is one of my all-time favorite movies I get the same reaction every time: “Really???”  Yes. Really. The story is preposterous, the plot is littered with holes, and it’s disgusting. It’s the second most disgusting movie I have ever seen (the first: Gummo) and that is saying a lot. I tend to be drawn to movies with gore and blood and guts but this one takes the cake in disgustingness. But it is also funny, entertaining, well-acted, well-written and all-around awesome and so much fun. To put it in over-used terms of the modern day, this movie is WINNING. Duh.

“If I weren’t about to shit my pants right now, I’d be fucking fascinated.”

And (!) Nathan Fillion is in it. The man can do no wrong. If an actor was ever in an episode of Buffy (or the lesser loved, Angel), that gets you a certain pass from me and I will like you in whatever you appear in.

Here is the story, but the story really doesn’t matter: Grant Grant (yes, that is his name) is a dickhead.  One night his much younger and much hotter wife, Starla (Elizabeth Banks), refuses his sexual advances and since he is just a colossal cunt waffle, he goes out to the local bar and picks up the town skank. Now, I am not one to say that women can’t have casual sex like men or that women who have numerous sexual partners are sluts, but if you saw the movie and the bar-rat that I am speaking of, you would call her a skank as well.  Grant picks up Town Skank and despite the restrooms, janitor’s closets, bar stools and vehicle backseats that could be occupied in order to get a piece of strange, they choose the woods to get it on. While they are in the woods, Grant finds the meteor that landed in the woods moments earlier and, since this is a bad horror flick, he pokes the meteor with a stick. A parasite bug looking-thing jumps out of the meteor and Grant is then infected with a parasite that will eventually turn him into a squid-like telepathic alien with phallic leprosy and a taste for household pets. How fun, right???

“He looks like something that fell off my dick during the war.”

After Grant infests Town Skank with his alien-slug babies, he disappears leaving the town sheriff (Fillion) and a slew of other hilarious townsfolk to hunt him down to stop him from mutilating livestock and from then on everything goes to shit, as you would expect. You see the townsfolk that look like they really do belong in some Podunk-ass town and you can’t help but think to yourself, “Wow, you are all so dead…” Did I spoil anything by telling you that mostly everyone will be dead? No. You should have known that already. It’s a movie about alien slugs attacking a town and turning everyone into zombies, what did you expect?

“Praise Jesus?! That’s fucking pushing it! This shit’s about as far from God as shit can get! Either of you ever seen anything like that? You even heard of anything like that? Huh? Me neither. And I watch Animal Planet all the fucking time!”

If you like funny, gross, ridiculous “horror” movies you will not go wrong by watching Slither. Back when I had movie channels, they would play it on Showtime (I think) a lot and I would re-watch over and over again thanks to the beauty of DVR. I have since purchased the movie for all of $4.00 from Best Buy a few years ago and I have no shame in saying that I would have paid much more. So go watch it. If you don’t like it or even chuckle here and there during the movie, is probably means that you have terrible taste in all media and it’s just not a film for you. For everyone else, you guys are cool! Stick around, I have many other gems to tell you all about.

Age I would let my nephews watch this: I would be lying if I said Garrett hadn’t already seen bits and pieces of it, but they shouldn’t be able to watch it until they are at least 12. I think 12 is good. It’s not scary in the least but it’s very gross and insanely vulgar. After the opening credits the first words spoken are “Move the fuck out of the way, cocksucker.” And that is where Garrett learned the term “cocksucker.” That is also where I made him stop watching.

*working title, taking suggestions.