Recipe: Low Carb Pumpkin Cheesecake

As promised, here is my low-carb pumpkin cheesecake recipe. Guys, look, I don't measure if I can help it so this is just a guessimation. If you fuck this up, that is on you.

Low Carb Pumpkin Cheesecake

3 8oz pkg of Cream Cheese (softened, duh)

1 15oz can pure pumpkin puree

3 eggs 

1/4 cup Torani sugar-free vanilla syrup* (coffee aisle) 

2 T Pumpkin Pie Spice (2T is on the low-end for me, feel free to add more if you want, I would) 

5 packets Stevia* 

1/4 cup Splenda* 

Heavy Whipping Cream (optional) 

Crust: 

1 1/3 cup almond flour 

1/2 cup sliced almonds 

1/2 tsp cinnamon 

1/4 tsp ginger 

2 packets Stevia 

1 T Torani Sugar-Free Vanilla Syrup 

2 T Coconut Oil 

Throw everything for the crust in a food processor. If your coconut oil is in solid form, there is no need to melt it. It will process just fine with everything else. And you don't have to have sliced almonds, either. If you have whole, that will be fine too, just process them first by themselves so you don't get chunks of almonds all up in your crust. Once everything is processed, press the crust into a 10" springform pan (you can use any old pan, I just use springform because I am fancy). Then bake at 325 for about 20 minutes or until crust is dry enough so it won't soggy out on you once you add the filling. 

For the filling, go ahead and throw everything you need into a big bowl. If I haven't had enough time for my cream cheese to soften, I usually put it in the microwave for about 30 seconds, that usually softens it up just enough. I mix everything with a hand mixer until it's a good, creamy consistency. On a keto diet, fat is the most of anything you should be eating, so if you want to add heavy whipping cream, now is the time to do it. And it kind of gives the cheesecake a lighter feel once you get it all whipped up if you are into that sort of thing. 

Before you proceed, taste it. Does it taste like you want it to? If not, add more sweetner or spice. I find that is what it needs most of the time. Are you good now? Ok. 

Pour the filling into your baked crust and then bake the cheesecake for about 35 minutes at 325 or until it sets to the touch. And it will turn a slightly burnt orange. Once it is done to your liking, turn the oven off but leave the cheesecake in there and let it cool while the oven cools. It will keep the cheesecake from cracking. Or if you don't have time for that shit, take it out, let it cool until you can touch the pan and then put it in the freezer for about an hour and then it should be ready to serve. If I were you, I would serve it with whipped cream with either cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice sprinkled on top. But you don't have to. It's your life. 

* As far as sweeteners are concerned, use as much as you'd like. I don't love the taste I get sometimes with artifical sweetners, so I usually taste I go.

Oh god, I'm going to have to deal with so many mommies at the grocery store now...

I didn't actually feel like I was getting four days off every week until those days became actual work days. So on my first Monday off I woke up at 7 (wtf. This is a fluke. Has to be.) got some crocheting done and now I'm making a grocery list when a whole new slew of life-altering problems reared their ugly head: 

I  mean what else would I be trying to spell here?! I should have gotten to "raspb..." And you should have auto completed for me. Can you not further aid my technological laziness, phone? 

Of course now I could have just spoken into the phone which is ridiculous to me that that is eveb possible. 

One day there won't even be a keyboard, which makes me question the remaining life of "lol." So many people are going to realize they are no where near as funny as they thought they were. 

Yeah, so, whatever

Ok. Please bear (bare??) with me, I'm going on about three hours sleep in a 36 hour period of time. There are going to be some spelling and grammar mistakes all up in here. 

So I find myself with things to say again. Things of value? Absolutely not. So here I am.  

An alarming number of you have been adamant that I need to do this nonsense again** (like 3 people) so here I am. 

Is blogging still a thing? Do people still read things? Is it all vlogs now? I don't pretend to know what people do nowadays. 

Anyhoodle, here we go. I had full intentions of making a whole new blog chronicling the current time in my life but coming up with like names and shit is hard (no).  So I'm going back to this piece of shit. 

You are all so welcome. 

**Yeah so I was going to do a whole thing where I talk about keto/ low carb high fat and all that jazz. And I fully intend to I just can't think of what to call it. So I will post here for the time being. Deal with it. 

Pretty much...

image via imgur

Direct all Marriage Questions Here

So I got married or whatever, nbd (no big deal).

I am sure many of you have questions, you nosey mother fuckers. I will now try my best to answer your questions in the order in which they are going through your head:

1. Yes, I am serious.

2. Nope, not pregnant. But how tacky of you to ask, thanks!

3. Is it a little soon??? I don’t think so. Shit happens and it doesn’t always go within an “appropriate” (whatever that means) time frame. But how about this, if it makes you feel any better: Take the amount of time you have in your head that you think I should have waited to get married since finalizing a divorce and/ or meeting someone, divide that by two and then shove it up your ass.

4. No one knew, it wasn’t just you. I am aware the amount of butthurt involved in weddings and wedding arrangements and being invited/ included or whatever and we said fuck that noise. I feel that a lot of the excitement surrounding getting married is about the wedding. I had one of those and, while it was fun, I didn’t exactly want to do that again.

5. We chose to not tell anyone because I just didn’t want to hear about it. I didn’t want to hear these asinine questions you are asking me now. I am 30 years old! (I have noticed that I only really say my age when I am trying to get my point across that I am a grown-up) Neither of us has to explain our actions or decisions to you and a surefire way to avoid that: Tell no one. Our families knew (kinda) and that was good enough for us.

6. We went to Ministers in a Minute. We took the day off work and we decided what day it would be less than a week before. We have been talking about getting married for a while (two months, that’s “a while” right?).

7. No, actually I don’t want to hear what you think about it.

8. Sure we can have a celebration party, you want to throw one?

Now I have a question for all of you…

Can we still ask for gifts??? (there’s a cotton candy maker at Bed, Bath and Beyond…just sayin…)

Asshole Monday*: Hair Feathers

So coming back from lunch today I had a small rant I was going to post about hair feathers. I was pretty fired up too. Disgusted. Embarrassed for the human race. Rage-filled. All kinds of bad feelings. So yeah, hair feathers...

No, not this kind:

This god-awfulness right here:

I was going to say how they are disgusting even on a small child, and they make older women look like the saddest forever alone chick I ever did see, and it’s more of a blinking, obvious neon white-trash sign than even a tribal butterfly tramp stamp. I was also going to say that there are only two places your kid is going to going in life with feathers in her hair and they both involve meth but only one has a pole. I was also going to throw in that you look a little like a retarded and flamboyantly gay raccoon. There is also nothing else that says to the world “Hi, I smell like garbage,” than having feathers in your hair.

See?

I was going to say all of these things and much more and then I started thinking about something. Particularly hair accessories from when I was a kid and, like this:

And this:

And we must never, ever forget this monstrosity:

And now I am so embarrassed by my own disgusting and sad pop-culturally-influenced hair choices, I am about to braid a tiny portion of my hair, throw three beads on the end and then hang myself with it. 

But seriously, if you love someone, no more feathers. That mess is not hot. If only someone had told me this so long ago...(you're welcome)

*Wednesday

The Awgowhat Files, Pt. 1

[D.P. checking in here. Since Stacey essentially killed this blog with her once-a-month food babbling, I decided to step in and breathe some entertaining life into this stale ass corner of the intertubes. Watch how it's done.]

Mayor Awgowhat

Where do we even start with this asshole?

In the spirit of local lunatic Prince Mongo, Memphis has a new loony in it’s midst. His name is Leo Awgowhat. And he’s fucking insane. Better still, he’s running for mayor. This isn’t the first time. He ran in 2009 too, but this time, he’s ramping up the crazy. But before I get into that, let’s see who he is.

The Commercial Appeal profiled him and it turns out Mr. Awgowhat is an Independent. So far so good. Then, under occupation, it states that he receives government money for a mental illness known as “dissociative identity disorder.” Yup. He’s got multiple personalities and, apparently, this is his occupation. I’m in the wrong profession.

Under the category of Personal, where most politicians would put, “Happily married for thirty years with three beautiful children,” Awgowhat simply states that he has some funny tattoos. Don’t we all?

In 2009’s mayoral debate, he wore a t-shirt that said “GO FUCK YOURSELF” and his most insightful statement for our city included the phrase, “Let’s be known for having the best pot.” If you’ve smoked pot here in Memphis, you already know this isn’t true, but hey, lofty goals and all that.

Go fuck yourself.

His MySpace page--yes, MySpace and even crazier, his last login was fucking today!--includes a video of him getting tazed by a midget in front of a crowd while doing handstand push-ups. Also a picture of a girl masturbating with the caption, “Women: they’re only good for that lukewarm hole in their crotch, so they’d better keep it ready for us.” Your future mayor, ladies and gentlemen.

In his own words, here is a little bit about him:

“the shrink says im one fucked up indevidual but we aint krazy we r just pretendin???had a mental break down awhile back and now letz just say i have a imagionary friend named bob and now itz uz and dont let the lookz fool u we aint a nice guy ??AwGo what? thatz Mr.AwGo Fuk Yorself and just so u know we r a devout reformed bokononist we r required by GOD to tell 69 liez a day chances r u will get lied to and made fun of so BEWARE u were warned.we r not looken for a relationship juzt new playmatez u no juzt 4 shitz&giggelz oh yeah checck out r video juzt uz foolen around we didnt no u were spozed 2 fall down check out the other vidz on r page thatz whatz sposed2happen ???”

His information reveals him to be a swinger, a proud parent, and a college graduate (the fuck?!) who attended Coffeeville High School between the years of 1969-1990.

Dig a little deeper and you get to his Photos which, to save you time, include the following:

- Pictures of dead cats in the bed of his truck.

- Naked pictures of his girlfriend.

- Pictures of his “funny tattoos.”

- Lots of pictures of him smoking weed.

- Picture of his dog chewing on a dead deer.

And this one:

Still better than Willie?

So why am I writing about this cuntdonkey? Well, he’s running for mayor again, for starters. The reason I know this is because his house (and Campaign Headquarters, more on that in Pt. 2) is located about a mile from where I work and I drive past it daily. His crazy is on full display there and I will tell you all about it and hopefully we will get to know Mr. Awgowhat a little better in Part 2 of The Awgowhat Files, coming soon...