Friday, August 26, 2011
So I got married or whatever, nbd (no big deal).
I am sure many of you have questions, you nosey mother fuckers. I will now try my best to answer your questions in the order in which they are going through your head:
1. Yes, I am serious.
2. Nope, not pregnant. But how tacky of you to ask, thanks!
3. Is it a little soon??? I don’t think so. Shit happens and it doesn’t always go within an “appropriate” (whatever that means) time frame. But how about this, if it makes you feel any better: Take the amount of time you have in your head that you think I should have waited to get married since finalizing a divorce and/ or meeting someone, divide that by two and then shove it up your ass.
4. No one knew, it wasn’t just you. I am aware the amount of butthurt involved in weddings and wedding arrangements and being invited/ included or whatever and we said fuck that noise. I feel that a lot of the excitement surrounding getting married is about the wedding. I had one of those and, while it was fun, I didn’t exactly want to do that again.
5. We chose to not tell anyone because I just didn’t want to hear about it. I didn’t want to hear these asinine questions you are asking me now. I am 30 years old! (I have noticed that I only really say my age when I am trying to get my point across that I am a grown-up) Neither of us has to explain our actions or decisions to you and a surefire way to avoid that: Tell no one. Our families knew (kinda) and that was good enough for us.
6. We went to Ministers in a Minute. We took the day off work and we decided what day it would be less than a week before. We have been talking about getting married for a while (two months, that’s “a while” right?).
7. No, actually I don’t want to hear what you think about it.
8. Sure we can have a celebration party, you want to throw one?
Now I have a question for all of you…
Can we still ask for gifts??? (there’s a cotton candy maker at Bed, Bath and Beyond…just sayin…)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
In the spirit of local lunatic Prince Mongo, Memphis has a new loony in it’s midst. His name is Leo Awgowhat. And he’s fucking insane. Better still, he’s running for mayor. This isn’t the first time. He ran in 2009 too, but this time, he’s ramping up the crazy. But before I get into that, let’s see who he is.
The Commercial Appeal profiled him and it turns out Mr. Awgowhat is an Independent. So far so good. Then, under occupation, it states that he receives government money for a mental illness known as “dissociative identity disorder.” Yup. He’s got multiple personalities and, apparently, this is his occupation. I’m in the wrong profession.
Under the category of Personal, where most politicians would put, “Happily married for thirty years with three beautiful children,” Awgowhat simply states that he has some funny tattoos. Don’t we all?
In 2009’s mayoral debate, he wore a t-shirt that said “GO FUCK YOURSELF” and his most insightful statement for our city included the phrase, “Let’s be known for having the best pot.” If you’ve smoked pot here in Memphis, you already know this isn’t true, but hey, lofty goals and all that.
In his own words, here is a little bit about him:
“the shrink says im one fucked up indevidual but we aint krazy we r just pretendin???had a mental break down awhile back and now letz just say i have a imagionary friend named bob and now itz uz and dont let the lookz fool u we aint a nice guy ??AwGo what? thatz Mr.AwGo Fuk Yorself and just so u know we r a devout reformed bokononist we r required by GOD to tell 69 liez a day chances r u will get lied to and made fun of so BEWARE u were warned.we r not looken for a relationship juzt new playmatez u no juzt 4 shitz&giggelz oh yeah checck out r video juzt uz foolen around we didnt no u were spozed 2 fall down check out the other vidz on r page thatz whatz sposed2happen ???”
His information reveals him to be a swinger, a proud parent, and a college graduate (the fuck?!) who attended Coffeeville High School between the years of 1969-1990.
Dig a little deeper and you get to his Photos which, to save you time, include the following:
- Pictures of dead cats in the bed of his truck.
- Naked pictures of his girlfriend.
- Pictures of his “funny tattoos.”
- Lots of pictures of him smoking weed.
- Picture of his dog chewing on a dead deer.
And this one:
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I see you rolling your eyes. I hardly ever post anymore and when I do, it’s about food and juice and being vegetarian. Booooo. I see the lameness here, but I kinda don’t care. Hey, if you don’t want to hear me get all preachy, go elsewhere. I don’t mind!
“odor, slime and bacteria.”