Pretty much...

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Direct all Marriage Questions Here

So I got married or whatever, nbd (no big deal).

I am sure many of you have questions, you nosey mother fuckers. I will now try my best to answer your questions in the order in which they are going through your head:

1. Yes, I am serious.

2. Nope, not pregnant. But how tacky of you to ask, thanks!

3. Is it a little soon??? I don’t think so. Shit happens and it doesn’t always go within an “appropriate” (whatever that means) time frame. But how about this, if it makes you feel any better: Take the amount of time you have in your head that you think I should have waited to get married since finalizing a divorce and/ or meeting someone, divide that by two and then shove it up your ass.

4. No one knew, it wasn’t just you. I am aware the amount of butthurt involved in weddings and wedding arrangements and being invited/ included or whatever and we said fuck that noise. I feel that a lot of the excitement surrounding getting married is about the wedding. I had one of those and, while it was fun, I didn’t exactly want to do that again.

5. We chose to not tell anyone because I just didn’t want to hear about it. I didn’t want to hear these asinine questions you are asking me now. I am 30 years old! (I have noticed that I only really say my age when I am trying to get my point across that I am a grown-up) Neither of us has to explain our actions or decisions to you and a surefire way to avoid that: Tell no one. Our families knew (kinda) and that was good enough for us.

6. We went to Ministers in a Minute. We took the day off work and we decided what day it would be less than a week before. We have been talking about getting married for a while (two months, that’s “a while” right?).

7. No, actually I don’t want to hear what you think about it.

8. Sure we can have a celebration party, you want to throw one?

Now I have a question for all of you…

Can we still ask for gifts??? (there’s a cotton candy maker at Bed, Bath and Beyond…just sayin…)

Asshole Monday*: Hair Feathers

So coming back from lunch today I had a small rant I was going to post about hair feathers. I was pretty fired up too. Disgusted. Embarrassed for the human race. Rage-filled. All kinds of bad feelings. So yeah, hair feathers...

No, not this kind:

This god-awfulness right here:

I was going to say how they are disgusting even on a small child, and they make older women look like the saddest forever alone chick I ever did see, and it’s more of a blinking, obvious neon white-trash sign than even a tribal butterfly tramp stamp. I was also going to say that there are only two places your kid is going to going in life with feathers in her hair and they both involve meth but only one has a pole. I was also going to throw in that you look a little like a retarded and flamboyantly gay raccoon. There is also nothing else that says to the world “Hi, I smell like garbage,” than having feathers in your hair.

See?

I was going to say all of these things and much more and then I started thinking about something. Particularly hair accessories from when I was a kid and, like this:

And this:

And we must never, ever forget this monstrosity:

And now I am so embarrassed by my own disgusting and sad pop-culturally-influenced hair choices, I am about to braid a tiny portion of my hair, throw three beads on the end and then hang myself with it. 

But seriously, if you love someone, no more feathers. That mess is not hot. If only someone had told me this so long ago...(you're welcome)

*Wednesday

The Awgowhat Files, Pt. 1

[D.P. checking in here. Since Stacey essentially killed this blog with her once-a-month food babbling, I decided to step in and breathe some entertaining life into this stale ass corner of the intertubes. Watch how it's done.]

Mayor Awgowhat

Where do we even start with this asshole?

In the spirit of local lunatic Prince Mongo, Memphis has a new loony in it’s midst. His name is Leo Awgowhat. And he’s fucking insane. Better still, he’s running for mayor. This isn’t the first time. He ran in 2009 too, but this time, he’s ramping up the crazy. But before I get into that, let’s see who he is.

The Commercial Appeal profiled him and it turns out Mr. Awgowhat is an Independent. So far so good. Then, under occupation, it states that he receives government money for a mental illness known as “dissociative identity disorder.” Yup. He’s got multiple personalities and, apparently, this is his occupation. I’m in the wrong profession.

Under the category of Personal, where most politicians would put, “Happily married for thirty years with three beautiful children,” Awgowhat simply states that he has some funny tattoos. Don’t we all?

In 2009’s mayoral debate, he wore a t-shirt that said “GO FUCK YOURSELF” and his most insightful statement for our city included the phrase, “Let’s be known for having the best pot.” If you’ve smoked pot here in Memphis, you already know this isn’t true, but hey, lofty goals and all that.

Go fuck yourself.

His MySpace page--yes, MySpace and even crazier, his last login was fucking today!--includes a video of him getting tazed by a midget in front of a crowd while doing handstand push-ups. Also a picture of a girl masturbating with the caption, “Women: they’re only good for that lukewarm hole in their crotch, so they’d better keep it ready for us.” Your future mayor, ladies and gentlemen.

In his own words, here is a little bit about him:

“the shrink says im one fucked up indevidual but we aint krazy we r just pretendin???had a mental break down awhile back and now letz just say i have a imagionary friend named bob and now itz uz and dont let the lookz fool u we aint a nice guy ??AwGo what? thatz Mr.AwGo Fuk Yorself and just so u know we r a devout reformed bokononist we r required by GOD to tell 69 liez a day chances r u will get lied to and made fun of so BEWARE u were warned.we r not looken for a relationship juzt new playmatez u no juzt 4 shitz&giggelz oh yeah checck out r video juzt uz foolen around we didnt no u were spozed 2 fall down check out the other vidz on r page thatz whatz sposed2happen ???”

His information reveals him to be a swinger, a proud parent, and a college graduate (the fuck?!) who attended Coffeeville High School between the years of 1969-1990.

Dig a little deeper and you get to his Photos which, to save you time, include the following:

- Pictures of dead cats in the bed of his truck.

- Naked pictures of his girlfriend.

- Pictures of his “funny tattoos.”

- Lots of pictures of him smoking weed.

- Picture of his dog chewing on a dead deer.

And this one:

Still better than Willie?

So why am I writing about this cuntdonkey? Well, he’s running for mayor again, for starters. The reason I know this is because his house (and Campaign Headquarters, more on that in Pt. 2) is located about a mile from where I work and I drive past it daily. His crazy is on full display there and I will tell you all about it and hopefully we will get to know Mr. Awgowhat a little better in Part 2 of The Awgowhat Files, coming soon...

Book Review: Eating Animals by Johnathan Safran Foer

I see you rolling your eyes. I hardly ever post anymore and when I do, it’s about food and juice and being vegetarian.  Booooo. I see the lameness here, but I kinda don’t care. Hey, if you don’t want to hear me get all preachy, go elsewhere. I don’t mind!

Eating Animals is one reason why I quit eating meat. I read it a year ago and I read it yet again this week, in about two days, actually (nbd). Eating Animals is where I learned that the meat that I was eating, was fucking gross. Like grody. Like, more grody than this. Oh and factory farming is an evil, heartless, fucked bastard of animal cruelty. 

Things I can’t tolerate while reading are facts and statistics. They drive me batty and my eyes glaze over every time something is explained to me in a scientific-ish way. Eating Animals isn’t like that. Most of just sounds like a guy telling you a story, a really fucked-up, gory and heartbreaking one. And, dude is super mad. You can tell he is just pissed. I don’t think he started off that way or set out to be this angry vegetarian but from what he has seen/ heard, he is fucking furious. And I like it. And it makes for an interesting read.

Look, I know that none of you are going to read this book.  I get that. You should read it if you want to know what you are shoving in your face three meals a day but it’s uber unrealistic of me to actually think you are going to pick up this book and read it and that is fine. But since I know you won’t read it, let me hit you with some bullet points. Can you read those for me???

99% of all land animals eaten or used to produce milk and eggs in the United States are factory farmed.

Over 250 million male “layer chicks” (they lay eggs, duhz) are destroyed each year. They can’t lay eggs, go ahead and kill em’. Oh and “destroyed” only means they are electrocuted or macerated (meaning: thrown into a woodchipper).

Turkey hens lay 120 eggs their first year, chickens lay over 300. They lay less eggs after the first year and it’s cheaper to kill the hen and start over than it is to house and feed a hen not laying as many eggs.

Runt piglets that won’t grow large enough to be profitable are taken by their hind legs, and then swung headfirst on the concrete floor and their skulls are bashed in until they’re dead. It’s so common they have a name for it, “thumping.”

The animals you eat (chickens and turkeys, especially) aren’t healthy animals. The business model of factory farms is to see how close the animals can get to dying without actually dying. The turkey you eat at Thanksgiving can’t live long enough to actually reproduce. And “free-range” doesn’t mean dick nor does “cage free.”

What’s that? You don’t care about animal welfare?  I see. You’re kind of a dick, but I get it. You don't care all that much about faceless (literally) farmed animals as long as you get your chicken nuggets. I see. But try this, if you find it hard to care about chickens or pigs or cows, imgaine the cow half-conscious and hanging from a hook and terrified is a dog or cat...that do anything for you? Anyhoo, if that didn't work, let me try and gross you out now:

95% of all chickens become infected with E-Coli (from their shit) and 39 to 75% of all chickens sold in retail stores are still infected (their shit, it’s still there). 83% of all chicken meat (including organic a.d anti-biotic free brands) contain salmonella or campylobacter.  83%, yo!

Factory hog farms produce more than 7.2 million lbs of pig shit a year.

The #1 cause for climate change is animal agriculture (because of ALL the shit).

Most chickens and turkeys (even the ones labeled “natural”) are injected with broths and salty solutions to give them poultry “flavor” after the birds have already had their chlorine baths to remove
“odor, slime and bacteria.”

After a chicken’s head is cut off a machine makes a vertical incision in their guts to remove all that business. In this process the machine often rips open a chicken’s intestines, spilling its own shit inside its body cavity. Chicken companies call this “cosmetic blemish” and it is perfectly legal to sell to you and you eat it ALLLLLL the time. Especially if you consume KFC. But that’s not all! 

Next time you buy raw chicken, look at the package. Does it say anything about “liquid absorption?” Yeah. After the chicken has been plucked and such they cool it off in a chlorinated water bath commonly known in poultry farming as “fecal soup.” So that “liquid” that your chicken “absorbed” is bleached chicken shit. Yum yum!

Do with that information what you will (nothing). And if you take anything away from this, do not eat anything from KFC. It is the very definition of “the worst” and you will be doing everyone a favor if you stop eating there all together. I know crispy chicken skin is delicious but I promise you that it wouldn’t be near as delicious if you knew exactly what you were eating. Not only is the meat terrible quality but they are SUPER shitty people. Way worse than this bitch or these assholes.

Anyway if you are at all curious as to what it is that goes on in factory farming at all or, for your conspiracy minded individuals, the complete ass-fucked animal agriculture gets from the government, pick up this book. It’s a great read and it’s not presented in a boring or factual way. It’s intriguing, thought provoking and anger inducing. And it’s also shortish which I know is a plus to some of you retards so go read it! You won’t regret it!

(Just to be clear, the joke you are about to make about putting you in the mood for KFC or Chicken or pork, yeah…congrats! You are only the 1200^th person to say/ type that to me! ORIGINALITY!)

TWOF: Special WTF Edition

I haven’t been on the fb as much lately because it drives me insane. At first I would laugh at all the stupid people and make a mental note to copy and paste their fuckery in to TWOF for all to point and laugh. Nowadays I just ignore the entire site except for a quick news feed scroll-through out of boredom, habit or curiosity. It honestly pains my mind to read some of it these days.

But today I was reminded of why I started TWOF so many months ago. One status. One status to rule them all and to put all others to shame:

OK FB!!! I REALLY NEED YOUR PRAYERS!!!! IM GOING TO ATTEMPT TO BEGIN EATING FRUIT. THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM THAT I HAVE. I CANT STOMICK FRUIT "AT ALL"!!! THIS IS NO JOKE. THE LORD HAS SPOKEN SO, I MUST OBEY. PLS PRAY THAT I DEVELOP THE TASTE FOR FRUIT!!! THANKS!

And then in the comments, they got that prayer:

I'm praying ur strength n the lord:-) give ___ the strength to pick that fruit up and eat it

If anyone out there can tell me what to do with this, I’d appreciate it. 

Juicing, Days 8 - 412

It only feels like day 412. I am kinda done with juicing and it is not because I am hungry or cranky or feel shitty. On the contrary.  I have  been in a fine mood for the majority of the time, I have yet to get dangerously “I am going to beat a small child for their Goldfish” hungry, I feel fine, great even, and what I have been eating/ drinking hasn’t been so bad at all. I am just done.

I am done with Easy Way. I love Easy Way and their produce is half the price of Kroger and they do an excellent job of stocking locally (everyone buy produce from Easy Way, it is worth it) but when you are there every day it gets a little old.

You see when juicing fruits and vegetables, some don’t produce all that much juice. You have use quite a few if you want a substantial amount of juice for two people, and we have been drinking at least two juices a day so that is a lot of produce gone into juicing.* And since it the both of us, we have been using a bit more than the recipes call for. That only means you have to get your worthless ass in the hot car and drive to the store if you want to eat. Every. Day. First world problem? Yes. Absolutely. But that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

And holy fucking shit am I done with prepping vegetables. I don’t mind breaking out the cutting board and chopping veggies for a meal or whatever but when it is every meal and you know you won’t be eating or leaving the kitchen for at least 45 minutes…done. I have never been so thankful for a solitary banana grabbed on the go.

Our technical last day for juicing was this Friday then we moved it up to Wednesday as Michael’s birthday is Thursday and then yesterday I looked at my beet juice and my bag of cut fruit and I just thought, “Wow, I am so done with this.” So last night, Monday, August 8, 2011 was our last day of juicing. I am tired and bored and done. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it. You really should. I feel wonderful and I am not opposed to doing this again, preferably in the summer for produce reasons, for a week down the road. But I can’t anymore and I am also growing to resent fruit and vegetables and I don’t want that to happen. But, seriously, try it. You won’t regret it.

Tips on Juicing/ Raw Food eating:

-          Buddy up! If I didn’t have someone to do this with I would have failed long ago. When there is another person that can do the peeling, cutting, produce running, it saves all kinds of time and keeps the motivation going. There is also someone else there to wallow in your shared self-food-pity. It helps, trust me.

-          Variety! If it’s in the produce section and you have never had it before, get it. Try it. Get one of everything they have and hope for the best. If you stick to the basics of fruit and vegetables, you are going to get bored and lose your mind.

-          Cut it up! I have often fallen prey to an intimidatingly full Fresh Produce drawer in the fridge. If there is a cantaloupe in there that is all golden and good, sweet smelling and I know it’s going to be delicious, I still need the motivation to cut that son of a bitch up. So what I do, cut it all up at once, throw it in a bowl and you are done. Now every time you go to the fridge there are ready-to-eat fruits and vegetables.

-          Eat a lot. Seriously. You are going to be starving if you don’t eat enough of what you are allowed. The only reason I have only been really hungry twice in over a week is because I eat all the time. I also eat everything that I am allowed. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t have made it as far as I did.

-         Wait for it. If you can give it up to four days, I promise you will start to feel better. The first few days suck, but if you can make it past that, you should be good. Sure, I just quit but I lasted much longer than expected. Am I right?!

Okay so now that it is all over, what do I do now?

I am trying my damndest to not get back into shitty eating habits and that is going to take some discipline. I personally feel that if you like something enough you shouldn’t give it up. Sugar. Cheese. Meth. Whatever makes you happy, you should have it. Sure you may not have teeth or correct bowels or…teeth but if you like it, you like it. Who am I to say that you are wrong?

I have no intention of ever giving up sugar or dessert or alcohol. I like these things and they are going nowhere. But it certainly will not kill me to cut back and I think I can go ahead and eliminate certain things that I don’t really enjoy all that much and could easily be replaced by something better, healthier and probably cheaper.

So with that being said, here are the things I will no longer be consuming:

Caffeine: I am not going to say I will never have it again, but I am attempting to rid myself of it as a daily habit. Occasional cups of coffee are going to happen but no more daily Red Bull or skinny vanilla soy lattes. Dammit.

Packaged foods: including but not limited to; anything made by Lance, Grandma’s Peanut Butter Cookies, Little Debbies (I only consume these at my parent’s house, I don’t know why that is…), refrigerated cookie dough, store bought cookies (fancy foreign cookies that look weird and delicious do not count). Candy also doesn’t count in this because I said so but I will be cutting back considerably on candy and I am attempting to cut all high fructose corn syrup** out completely…except when it is included in Cadbury eggs which it may not be.

Grocery bakery desserts: Sigh. You know those neon-colored-icing cakes and cupcakes with a plastic ring thrown on the top that don’t even look all that good but you want it because it is there and it has icing on it? No more. If I want cupcakes I can make them myself (or my sister, who is admittedly much, much better) or I can go to a real bakery with fancy cupcakes. No more Kroger sugar cookies or angel food cake either. I have the know-how and time to make the shit myself, so I need to stop being fat and lazy and if I want a cookie, I can make my own damn cookies, or Girl Scouts can (do not count as packaged cookies, shut up!), whichever…

Milk: Bye milk! It was nice knowing you and I haven’t really drank you in a while but no more. It’s soy or nothing.

So enough about the things I will no longer do, what about the things I will attempt now that the juicing is over (note: I said “attempt”):

-         - At least one fresh veggie per meal and I am beyond ashamed that I haven’t been doing this all along.

-         -  At least two meals per week of nothing but fruits and vegetables. In addition, I will be making more vegan meals as well (have to cut back on cheese).

--      - Vegetable juices at least three times a week

That is all that I have so far but I think it’s a pretty good start. I felt like complete shit before this and I am feeling wonderful now so there has to be something to this juicing thing.

*I am an infamous non-waster of food. It did pain me to throw out the veggies that came out of the other end of the juicer. It’s just so much and it could all be put to good use. So I froze it. Tips for juicers for the leftover vegetable pulp (is it all called pulp or is that just oranges?): muffins, vegetable stock, carrot cake, compost. I have been throwing it in freezer bags and saving for a rainy muffin day.

** Addendum to HFCS rule: I will no longer be consuming any more candy containing HFCS but I do get one more time with every candy in the world. So at this point every candy, healthy or not, is on the table. You only live once! I want that life to be filled with various candies.