Monday, January 31, 2011

Asshole Monday: Glee

Yes you are all losers, you are correct

 Glee sucks.
Not just the show but the cast (except Jane Lynch, I can’t say that enough), the characters, the set, the audience, the premise, and to some extent, the fans.

Don’t get me wrong, I like musicals. I like shows and movies that feature both high schools and high school characters. I like bright colors and ridiculous behaviors. I really do. Glee was geared towards someone like me. I am probably their target audience. That being said, I hate Glee.

I actually watched the first few episodes of it and I have to say that, from the start, I didn’t hate it. The first episode with the gay kid learning how to play football and teaching the entire football team the Single Ladies dance…adorable. I liked it. I watched a few episodes after that and I didn’t hate it but I also didn’t love it. I had lukewarm feelings at best and then it got very popular and then…

My deep, loathing hatred started with everyone telling me that I SHOULD like Glee.  And not just like it but should LOVE it. And when I admitted that I didn’t love it but it was only ok, I got hostility and confusion. I didn’t care much for this and let me tell you why:

1. Don’t tell me what to do, it is going to make me want to do the opposite (yes, I realize that I tell you people what to watch all the time, but I am right…)

2. Just because it is widely popular doesn’t mean that it is good. All kinds of shit is popular that sucks i.e. Two and a Half Men, Avatar, Twilight, I could go on for quite some time…

From this point on, I was pretty much done with the show and everyone involved with it. Now let me break my hatred down for you…

Everyone involved with the show seems to be annoying as shit. Take Ryan Murphy, the creator of the show. In my Keepers column on Friday I directed everyone to check out a link where Ryan Murphy was talking smack about not only Slash (come on now, it’s Slash. Don’t be hatin) and Kings of Leon. KOL didn’t let Glee use a song of theirs because…well because the show sucks. And Ryan I Feel Overly Important Murphy decided he would publicly lambaste KOL for this saying “Won’t you please think of the Children?! THE CHILDREN!!”

No, Ryan Murphy, no. You aren’t thinking of the 7-year-old children that NEED to hear Kings of Leon’s music, you are thinking of yourself and your ratings. KOL is popular so wouldn’t they want to be UBER GLEE POPULAR?! Right?! Doesn’t every band want to be on Glee? Apparently no, they don’t and get your panties out of your ass because someone turned you down. Take it like a man and move along.

There is also something about Lea Michelle that makes me want to punch something soft and fluffy and adorable. Just tear it to pieces. I cannot stand her and I can’t even really tell you why. It’s not a warranted hatred, it’s just pure unadulterated hatred for this girl and her stupid name and her stupid face. You can tell she just thinks she is hot snot when really she is just cold boogers (yes, I just used an insult I first heard in the fourth grade). She needs to be taken down a peg or 12. Someone release a sex tape or something. Are there not photos anywhere of her topless or hitting a bong? An upskirt? Something? Can someone show me proof that she is human? I need to see that.

Lastly, the fans…Gleetards are annoying for sure but I don’t blame them for my hatred. They like something that sucks. It happens to me all the time. And I am not judging Gleetards for this, like what you like man, but don’t tell me that I have to like it because it’s “so good.” Because it’s not…but at least it’s not Jersey Shore

But please Glee fans, do shut up. I don’t want to hear about your blessed show and how it is so good and how I am a mutant for not liking it. You are free to do you and get a fucking Gleek tattoo on your Gleek forehead, I don’t care. But stop shoving it down my throat.  Watch your show and sing your songs and dance your dances. Live your Gleek life, but please leave me out of it. Pleaseandthankyou.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

My're welcome.

So yeah, I finished this this weekend and that was pretty much it. You can't really tell because I have the still amazing and adeqaute second generation version of the iPhone. Looking at these pictures again, I am like "Geez I need the new iPhone." So dark. So grainy.

It's a dark eggplanty-like purple hooded scarf. It's being modeled by an overly eager Whitman who LOVES to have his picture taken. He makes for an excellent model. And he's cheap. He just asks to see the pictures when they are done. He is his mother's son. He loves an action photo and it is really hard to convince him to stay still. But he's a trooper nonetheless.

Anyway, the scarf. I think I started it Monday and I just finished it this morning (I got up at 9:30 today. Did you know that Mornings have all kinds of things like food, tv, almost everything. It's pretty good.) I am about to attempt, drumroll please...

Sewing. Yes because crocheting isn't weird enough, I am going to sew. I took Home Ec in 9th grade so I have had a small brief experience with sewing 14 years ago so I have no fear that I should be able to figure it out eventually. And I have no doubt that there is a youtube video out there somewhere that teaches you how to sew.

Stella has been here since Friday, so I have had her to deal with. She's love The O.C. pillow as does everyone else.

And I actually cleaned my room this weekend. Mom totally told me that I could have margaritas if I cleaned my room so I had to give in.

I feel I need to break my sixteen-year-old's Stacey's dream room with a slumber party or something. To make it feel more authentic. The only thing it is missing, really is a bigger closet.

Alrighty, I am off to take a gander at a sewing machine. Wish me luck. Sweet, nerdy luck.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Tracy Morgan: Squeezing his Mind Grapes...and other things

Editors Note: the blog post you are about to read today is a little on the risqué side so the faint at heart might want to skip today aka Hi Mom, maybe don’t read this one!

Does this look like a dude that thinks before he speaks?

Okay so everyone is up in arms today about Tracy Morgan (who I adore) saying something about Sarah Fucking Palin during some form of basketball game or whatever on TNT and now TNT has issued an apology, yada yada. My question, Why?

Tracy was asked to choose between Tina Fey and Sarah Palin (Tina Fey wins by more than a landslide. She wins by an avalanche. A tsunami. A gigantic earthquake. There is no contest) and Tracy said about Palin: "Now let me tell you something about Sarah Palin man, she's good masturbation material. The glasses and all that? Great masturbation material."


Okay, maybe if you wanted to go super feminist about it, it is a little demeaning to say about any woman, I will give you that but on the other hand, big deal! Am I a shitty woman to honestly not think it was a big deal? Probably. I am fine with it.

If someone said that about me, I would probably have it stitched on sampler. I would take it as complimentary but I am vulgar like that so to each his own.

He made a remark (an admittedly sexist remark) about a woman during a basketball game. He said what probably, sadly, a good number of men are probably thinking. I can’t stand Sarah Palin and I wish she would get eaten by moose but I am not so hateful towards her that I won’t say she isn’t attractive. She is. I have no respect for anything she does or says but she is pretty.

And, come on now, she’s not even governor anymore, she’s a fucking reality star. Sarah Palin was pretty much made for reality TV. She’s stupid. She’s nice to look at. She’s ridiculous and half the time she has no idea what she is talking about. Born to be a reality television star, that one.

If he had made the crack about Kate Gosselin (even though no one masturbates to her, lets get real) would anyone care? I am going to say no. She’s not the president. She’s not the vice president (and, never, ever will be). She is in no way a political figure or anyone else that deserves a modicum of respect. She will probably be the next guest judge on American Idol or something equally as fame-whoreish for fucksake!  Why does is matter? Can anyone tell me?

I actually did research on this one and Palin has yet to respond to this scandal of a comedian making a joke at her expense but I am sure once she does it is going to be long-winded and full of winks and big words she will never know the meaning to

And, you know what I think? I think that if Tracy Morgan would have said the same thing about Hilary Clinton, Hilary would have probably taken it as a compliment. She just seems cooler than that to me. She rolls with the punches that Hilary.


Keepers: Glee can suck it edition

It’s Friday, bitches! It has been a long, sickly week for me and I am glad to see it end. And how the frick is next week February already? It seems like NYE was last week. Time flies when you’re…I haven’t been doing anything so I can’t really equate that to anything but I will try.

Time flies when you’re watching the entire series of Weeds on DVD? Time flies when you’re detangling yarn? Time flies when you’re watching endless reruns of Tosh.o?

Anyway, your really cool links for the day:

Afternoon eye candy, indeed. Oh Lee Pace, where are you? I really miss Pushing Daises…

I don’t know why but this made me laugh, like, a lot. 

You can pretty much come to expect at least one crochet post on Keepers every week, it is what I do. Also I like to give some love to fellow crocheters and knitters and further convince everyone that yarn is cool dammit! And how adorable are these

It is no secret that I  have grown to hate the show Glee and everyone that has anything to do with it (except Jane Lynch) with a fiery passion so this made me smile, smile, smile, Fuck! Yeah! Kings of Leon. You tell em

I am pretty sure this is why you’re fat and diabetic and kinda gross. 

I need this immediately. 

When you would like to know more about vegetarianism, let me know because, ew

Thursday, January 27, 2011

D.P.'s CBRIII Review #4 - Columbine by David Cullen

Columbine is interesting to me (and probably most people of my generation) because I was IN high school when it happened.  I was a sophomore when the shit went down.  I don't recall hearing much about it at school that day, but when I got home, my girlfriend and I watched the coverage on TV in my bedroom and it was captivating.

Nationwide, it put the fear of god into schools and the change at my school was immediate: zero-tolerance rules and crackdowns on trenchcoats and people who looked weird.  One of the biggest rumors of the Columbine shooting is that it was carried out by loner goth kids.  I wasn't one of those people, but I did run in the circles of people similar.  All of my friends were the kids who wore black and had wallet chains and long hair and listened to Korn and whatnot.  So immediately, I began to see my friends being harassed and judged.  Trenchcoats were forbidden at school and anyone who dared wear one was suspended.  The crackdown was ridiculous and it was all based on the myths and half-truths coming out of Columbine.

Myths that turned out to be complete falsehoods in most cases.  Dave Cullen's Columbine is widely regarded as the most comprehensive account of the entire tragedy, from planning stages to anniversary memorials and all the dead bodies, shattered families, and lawsuits in between.  Based on interviews, testimony, evidence, and full access to the Basement Tapes and Eric and Dylan's journals, the books covers almost every concievable angle of the shooting.  The only thing that would have made the book better or more informative would be access to the parents of both shooters, but the Harris and Klebold families have refused to speak publicly in the 11 years since the shooting.

Every detail of the shooting itself, from things the killers said during the murders to the order in which they did things, how each person was killed, who survived and how they survived, and all the details in between are recreated based on extensive eyewitness accounts and it's fuckin' gripping man.  You forget that these are real people and it begins to feel like you're reading a thriller novel.  That's a testiment to how well researched and written the book is.

If you have even a passing interest in the events of Columbine, I highly suggest this book.  Not only is every detail presented clearly, it does a great job of debunking nearly every myth that came out of the tragedy, many of which still live on today.

Staceygarrett’s CBRIII Review #4: The Gunslinger by Stephen King

The Gunslinger was my second least favorite book in the Dark Tower series* (My least favorite is book 4, The Wizard and the Glass mainly because I thought this book would never end). I was warned before I started the series that the first one was a boring book and if I could make it through it then I would be fine. I didn’t find it boring at all but it’s a first book in a series and it does what every first book in a series does, it sets up everything that you are about to read and The Gunslinger does that well.

However, I read the version that was published in 2003 which was revised because so many people were bummed out and bored to tears with the first one so maybe I had a better experience than people that read The Gunslinger the first time around? I don’t know. But I didn’t hate it and I wasn’t bored and it really got me all jazzed to read the next six books.

The entire series is based on a poem “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came” by Robert Browning. In The Gunslinger we meet Roland Deschain, aka Roland of Gilead, aka The Gunslinger, and we also meet the elusive Man in Black that Roland has been following for who knows how long. And we aren’t really sure why Roland is in search for the Man in Black just yet but we do know that the Man in Black is one wily bastard that needs to be stopped.

Roland must capture and kill the Man in Black as the first of many steps to get him to the Dark Tower which is Roland’s goal. Roland has been searching for the Dark Tower for a looong time. Like forever-ever. Why he wants to get there so badly has yet to be revealed but we do know it’s a cool place and he wants to make it there badly.  

The Gunslinger takes place in what I picture to be a western-type place but Roland calls it “the world that has moved on” that isn’t like the world we live in now but is peppered with references to our world like names for certain things and sayings and “Hey Jude” is even played on a piano in the background.

We learn in flashback that Roland had just come from Tull, a place not far from the one he is in now, and as he was following the Man in Black through Tull, the Man in Black set a trap for Roland which is the town of Tull itself. Think of the black and white part of Pleasantville. The end of
Main Street
is just the beginning again. And the only way for Roland to escape Tull so he can continue on his journey to the Dark Tower is to kill everyone in Tull, including women, children and his lover Allie. We learn very early on that Roland will choose the Dark Tower over everything including the people closest to him and this is a recurring theme throughout the series.

All that killing, of course, makes for an ornery gunslinger and when we first see Roland, he is less than chipper. Roland stays the night in a hut in the desert with a man named Brown and his pet raven, Zoltan. It is here that Roland tells the aforementioned story of Tull. After Roland leaves the hut the next day, he encounters a young boy, Jake Chambers.  At this point Roland is tired from having traveled so far and near death from having run out of food and water and Jake brings Roland back and shares with him his water and his jerky.

Jake doesn’t belong in this world or in this desert and he doesn’t know how he got there but he does know that he died, but he can’t remember how or where. Roland hypnotizes Jake to find out how he got there and how he died and we learn that Jake died in 1977 in New York City. Our New York City in our 1977. And the Man in Black had something to do with Jake’s death.

Roland is hesitant to let Jake tag along on his journey but he takes a small liking to Jake and the two set out into the desert together in search of the Man in Black.

I think if I go any further in the review it will spoil a few things which I am glad weren’t spoiled for me so I will stop here. I also don’t know if I can include the rest of the book without butchering the story and this series is one of my favorites so I will do my best to keep it in tact.

Again, I liked The Gunslinger and I know that many didn’t. The first book in the series really made me love Roland and it also made me care about what happens to him. If you don’t have any Roland Love in your heart after reading the first book, even just a smidge will do, you will hate this entire series. Trust me. The series is centered on Roland and you have to love him or at least respect him enough for you to make it through.

That being said, power through the first book. It is the shortest in the series and it sets everything up for you. If you made it to the end, CONGRATS! Just keep reading. You won’t want to put the second book, The Drawing of the Three, down I assure you. I can’t wait to reread it and review it.

*I have read the entire series a couple years ago and I am going back now and rereading for CBR. I think to effectively review a series like this you have to have read all of them first to even know what is going on. So that’s what I’m doing. You’re welcome. I will also be reviewing a few supplemental books that go along with The Dark Tower series i.e. Salem’s Lot and a short story from Hearts of Atlantis.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Some Zach Morris-like Shenanigans are Afoot

And now for the blog everyone has been waiting for. Blogtroversy: 2011

I got an email and text yesterday from Daniel telling me to check my email, his blog has been ripped off. The horror! And excitment!

Remember the Community is Saved by the Bell blog Daniel did last week? Well someone has found it and tried to pass it off as their own. Or that was our initial reaction.

The official statement of the writers and editor of Inconsequential Garbage is no comment.

No, I’m just fucking with you. You think I wouldn’t comment? Please! Something semi-exciting and scandalous happened on my stupid blog, OF COURSE I’m going to comment on it.

I nor Daniel can say that it was stolen and dumbed down quite a bit to make it look different. It could be a large coincidence, kind of like wearing the same shirt the same day as someone else if a shirt was copy and pasteable. The similarities are there so I can’t exactly say, "Yeah, what a coincidence." But I have no clue if this person stole it. I have no way of knowing.

If it was stolen he probably figured that no one would ever see it here on this blog and, let’s all be honest here, he was right. However, he’s not just an unoriginal dude but he’s also kinda dumb. No one saw it here but Daniel saw it there. It has been seen.

See for yourself on Splitsider And on Buzzfeed

Daniel’s post was not only much better and more in depth but it was also posted a few days before this sub-par one. Come on now...

Of course it may have been something that this dude dreamed up the first episode of Community and he poured over it for over a year spending all of his free time perfecting and fine-tuning it, it’s not like he has a girlfriend (or boyfriend).

Again, not saying it was stolen. But are either Daniel or myself going to be mature about it and ignore it? Not at all. That just isn’t our style.

Daniel’s Official Statement:

Honestly, I'm not pissed. It's coincidental as hell, for sure, but to assume the guy stole my blog is a bit silly. For one, his was short, poorly written, and nowhere near as in-depth as mine. Why would you steal something good, make it suck, and then claim it as your own?

So no, I don't think it was stolen. I just think someone else came to the same conclusions I did at nearly the same time and wrote it in a similar list-like fashion. Hey, stranger shit has happened. Have you seen a platypus*?

I was butthurt that his short, crappy version got a bunch of attention and links on bigger name websites (Splitsider & Buzzfeed 
while I was typing this up it has since been posted on Reddit). But it's cool yo, shit happens. Stick around, I'll continue to be funny in other ways.
If I get hate mail from this I am totally going to do a back flip. Well I am going to learn how to do a back flip and then I will do one.

*The platypus really takes a beating on this blog.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Posting for Postings Sake

I am so freakin tired today but I feel as though I need to post something and I have nothing in me today, you guys. Except for DayQuil, Sudafed, a Diet Dr Pepper and gummi vitamins.

I have discovered you can post Picasa pics on your blog and I found these the other day. Everyone look at fat Whitman. That is one cute fat kid. He's all old now and not as cuddly so it was nice to take that trip down memory lane.

In other news I apologize for wasting your time with a poinless blog post with old pictures of my nephew. I am an asshole and I don't care. I feel like dookie, leave me alone.

But seriously, how cute is that kid?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Asshole Monday: Sinuses and Sock Wearers

In an effort to be more positive, I am going to attempt to keep my complaining and orneriness strictly on Monday where I find most people are at their worst and ready for a good bitch-session. I am not trying to be a blog that only complains, that just isn’t me (not that I don’t complain).

And in doing Asshole Monday for a few months now, I have found that there aren’t as many assholes in this world as I had originally thought, or at least there aren’t that many brought to my attention. So I need to broaden the specifics for Asshole Monday:

Asshole Monday could be about a specific asshole (person, idea, candy, book, television, the general public, etc) or it could be complaining about something harmless in turn making ME the asshole. I am an asshole a lot of the time and in no way am I trying to pretend like I am not so I will attempt to keep it all on this unholiest of days, Monday.

I am picking today to complain and/ or call my sinuses out for being an insufferable dickhead.

I am pretty sure I am getting sick. I can already feel the drainage seeping down my throat and my nose feels like I just accidentally snorted chlorinated water. I am tired as all hell and I want, desperately, to be in bed. This isn’t happening as I have no sick days yet and I called in last week with a wicked case of the spins.*

Being sick at work is the worst.  For one, you’re at work. Boo. And then add to that you feel like crap. There is no fun to be had here. I am not exactly sick yet but the coughing has begun and my throat is all scratchy and soreish. Dammit.

So this is putting me in a pretty foul mood. And is just me or does it seem like there is absolutely no reason for ever getting a sinus infection??? They just want to fuck up whenever they damn well please. It isn’t due to any form of germs or anything (or it might be, I am no expert on anything) and you can’t catch a sinus infection from anyone, sinuses just choose to be an asshole.

However if you were to ask my dad, always the expert on all things health related seeing as how he is an exterminator, why exactly it is that people, more specifically me, get sick he will probably say, “Because she doesn’t wear socks.”

Whenever I was a kid and it was between the months of October and April and I was found not wearing socks AROUND THE HOUSE I would be told immediately to go put socks on as I would become sick with some retched virus all because I made the bone-headed decision to not wear socks. At home.  In a climate controlled house. I was young and taught to never question authority so I did it even though I always thought it was stupid.

It wasn’t until years later, when I was old enough to know that I need to question everything that doesn’t make sense, that I thought to myself “What does wearing socks around the house have to do with anything? Since when did cold feet = swine flu?”

So one day when I was in my early 20s and still lived with my parents, I was told to go put some socks on before I made everyone in the house sick. This time, before turning on my heel and marching to my sock drawer, I asked dad “Why is this? What does having cold feet have do with getting sick? You are full of shit (shit is, hands down, our favorite curse word around the Garrett household).” The only answer he could give me was “It just does!” which means, he has no idea why it makes you sick it just does and he doesn’t have time for your snarky bullshit so stop questioning him go put some socks on, you are not too old to be grounded.

Since then I never really wore socks around the house again unless my feet were freezing. It’s the little acts of rebellion that I revel in. However this doesn’t stop dad from telling Garrett or Whitman, small children who are always sick just like every other small child, to put some socks on before they get sick. All children with any illness probably got that way due to sock negligence, FYI.

So my newfound, oncoming sinus infection is my own fault, really. I didn’t wear socks all weekend.

*For those of you that don’t know, I have been cursed with vertigo. It is a pain in the ass and the worst feeling known to man. I only get attacks, for some reason and thankfully, while I am asleep. I will wake up in the middle of the night with my eyes going all crazy-like (click on the link, it will take you to wikipedia where you can see the involuntary eye movements for yourself) so I can’t still them in my head. It also feels like the room is spinning out of control around me while I am standing still. I literally don’t know which end is up. It sucks and I hear it gets worse the older you get…awesome.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Posting before I change my mind...

I debated on whether or not to post this but I thought to myself, "Fuck it. Making this public as hell might give me the motivation I need to actually do this shit," so here we are.

I FINALLY made an appointment to get my hair cut. It’s been scheduled for March 22nd.


I also need to lose 10 lbs. My 30th birthday (June 21st, excuse me while I go hyperventilate) is coming up and I would like to be smaller by the time the party rolls around. It’s a pool party, WHAT UP! Yeah, I throw my own birthday parties, what’s it to you? You should too.

So by the time my appointment comes around, I hope to have lost 10 lbs by then. That gives me two months to lose 10 lbs. I think I can probably do it. I have done it before but that was with legal speed. Oh Phentermine, how I miss you...

I am not going to tout the awesomeness that is prescription weight loss medication because it is not the way to go. It surely works because it’s basically speed. Well, not basically, it is speed. For sure. But it only works for a short time and when the effects wear off, it’s all coming back unless you make a solid effort to keep it off which I never did. So here we are. I can’t afford Phentermine and it’s not the way to go any way so I am going to attempt to lose it the hard way. Speed free.

How am I going to lose it? Couldn’t tell you. I will figure something out that works for me but I won’t bore anyone on the details unless someone out there really wants to know. I have no plan of action as of today. Drinking less would be a good start (boooo...). That’s not to say that I am going to do that, it’s just the first thing that comes to mind.

And no worries, I am not going to turn this here blog into a health blog or a weight loss blog or anything like that. This will still continue to be about nothing, I assure you. It’s the Seinfeld of blogs only not smart at all and no audience. And I doubt I will even mention my progress on a regular basis.
My reasoning in posting something like this was if I tell the world, I will be more likely to do it so I don’t look like the lazy piece of shit that I am in front of the whole world. If I tell only myself in my head "I am going to lose weight," I can easily ignore that like I never said it to myself and go on about my life. But if I tell all three people that read this, I can’t say I never said it or go back on it as easily. Do you see?

However, if March 22nd comes and goes and I still haven’t told you all "Hey I lost 10 lbs/ 2 lbs/ gained 20 lbs..." if I haven’t mentioned the weight loss or anything like that by that day, one/ all of you out there needs to ask me publicly, "So how much weight have you lost Stacey, huh, Huh, HUH?!?" Post it on this blog. Send me an email. Post it to my Facebook or my Twitter. Call me out on it. You won’t be a dick. I am telling you to do this.

And what’s up, new years resolution to get a hair cut. March 22nd, bitch! I am knocking this shit out!

*There is not a chance in hell I will ever be this small again nor do I really want to be. I just want to be smaller. I was 19 in this picture. There is no way that my old ass will ever look like this again. I am nothing if not realistic. But I won’t lie and say that it’s not motivating.

Friday, January 21, 2011


Welcome to yet another segment to this here blog called, Keepers. I read a lot of blogs during the day, like A LOT. So I find stuff from time to time that I like to share with people of like-minded sensibilities so that maybe, just maybe, you (my dear assholes) will like it too. So instead of posting 45 million links on Facebook, I will just do a link-dump of sorts and share with you people.

I will aim to do this every Friday and todays kind of sucks because I just thought to do this yesterday.

Now, this could be things that I want. Things I think are funny. Things that I think are cool. Just Keepers in general. It’s in the title, people. How can I break it down any more than I already have, sheesh!

Buffy turned 30 on the 19th. The sad part? I did not need Facebook or other crazed Buffy fans there to remind me. 

If anyone out there would like to read more Cannonball Read reviews like the awesome ones that Daniel and I post go here. 

Ima totes make this one of these days. Vegetable chili. Represent. 

Oh Paula Deen, you so crazy. Homemade Kit Kat Bars. Ima make you too! 

Yarn Porn. A lot of this stuff is knitting and knitting patterns and such (which I don’t do as you assholes should know by now) but it has a lot of cool yarn and projects on it and crochet stuff pops up from time to time. It’s an awesome little yarn blog and it provides me with daily motivation to learn to knit.  
Alrighty, that is it for this week. Next weeks should be better since I have only been compiling links for a day and a half. Enjoy!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Community vs. Saved by the Bell - A think piece by Daniel Price

I am working on a blog that basically tells everyone to quit dicking around watch Community already, but this one is just as good if not better.

Daniel, a staple to both the comments and the content of this  blog  has put together a very detailed, mind exploding comparison to Community and, a longtime favorite of everyone I have ever known, Saved by the Bell. Here you go, enjoy (and comment!):

My new current favorite show (it varies often) is Community.  At the insistence of many people and rave reviews, I finally downloaded this show and absolutely love it.  It's just brilliant comedy. (Editors note: I have been telling Daniel to quit dicking around and watch Community already and he did and he LOVES it. What more do you people need?)

However, whilst watching it last night, I had an epiphany: Community is Saved By The Bell for grown-ups.

Hear me out.

Saved By The Bell - Bayside High School
Community - Greendale Community College, which is just high school with designated smoking areas.


Zack Morris vs. Jeff Winger
- Both are the protagonists of the show
- Both are the good looking, popular leaders of their respective groups
- Both have hearts of gold and in the end, always do the right thing for their friends and/or school
- Both are clearly in love with and will eventually end up with the Kelly/Britta character
- Both have seemingly unlimited pull with the principal/dean
- Both are essentially preppy rich kids
- Both are always up to some new scheme or plan that often backfires in their faces, often resulting in lessons being learned

Kelly Kapowski vs. Britta Perry
- Both are obsessive about always being honest
- Both are straight-laced and hesitant to get involved in hijinks before being talked into them by Zack/Jeff
- Both are the eventual main female love interest of Zack/Jeff but both initially reject him during the first seasons

....I don't really have much else for this comparison.  Realistically, Britta is more like Tori Scott, the tough-girl that showed up to Bayside during senior year on Saved By The Bell.  She also developed a relationship with Zack, wore leather jackets, and gave off a vague lesbian-vibe, etc.)

(Editors note: Britta is more like Jesse Spano, to me at least, with the proactive hippie vibe)

Screech Powers vs. Abed Nadir
- Both are the resident nerds of their group
- Both are skinny and weird looking
- Both have no brain filter and say ridiculous shit without any forethought

Running low on comparisons here too...fuck you, go compare if Charlie's Angels and Charmed if you think you can do this job better.

Jessie Spano vs. Annie Edison
- Both are the straight-laced goody-two-shoes members of the group
- Both are straight-A students who are very serious about grades and studying
- Both are dating/secretly-in-love with the jock on the show (Slater/Troy)
- Debate team, school paper, lots of school spirit, etc. for both of them
- Both had brief romantic moments (kisses, etc.) with the Zack/Jeff character of the show
- Both have had the same kind of drug problems (Jessie with over-the-counter speed pills, Annie with Adderall)

(Editors note: “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so….confused!!!” *breaks down into messy speed-freak sobs)

Lisa Turtle vs. Shirley Bennett
- Both are black women (let's just get that one out of the way first)
- Both are quick to catch an attitude and get sassy
- Both are gossipy bitches that can't keep a secret
- Both continuously turn down unwanted advances from a member of the group (Screech for Lisa, Pierce for Shirley)

A.C. Slater vs. Troy Barnes
- Both are the jocks of the group (both are star quarterbacks, Slater also does wrestling)
- Both end up taking dance lessons, are embarrassed people might find out, and then reveal it in the end, dancing in tights in front of everyone
- Both get cocky and piss off all their friends when they get a big head from being a sports star, both eventually realize the error in their ways

Pierce Hawthorne vs. Mr. Belding
- Both are old men trying to be cool and fit in with the younger crowd, often failing
- Both try overly hard to be friends with Zack/Jeff
- Both are ridiculed by the younger group, but when shit gets real, the kids have the old men's backs.

- Both groups routinely break into the principal/Dean's office
- Jeff dates his statistics teacher, named Professor Slater.  That's just a mean gay joke at Zack's expense.
- They both have a gathering place where they sit in the same spots every time (The Max/library study room)

The list just goes on and on.  And realize, I've only seen half of the first season of Community.  I'm sure I'll keep picking up on other things.  But no doubt, this is the adult, way funnier modern version of Saved By The Bell.  Watch it so it doesn't get cancelled!

Update: we are nothing if not attention whorey and all around scandolous up in this bitch so go here. Thanks!

Peace out, Fish. God speed...

It's not you, it's me

Last night was the first time I have ever been confronted with meat and wanted to eat it. Like, badly…

David, my ex-husband, is a deer hunter. At first I was very apprehensive about eating deer meat. It skeeved me out a bit to eat meat that didn’t come in a package. This was, of course, years ago when I didn’t know how grody the meat that comes in a package really is.

Once I cowboyed up and tried deer meat I found it wasn’t so bad. Kind of like steak without all that gross fat. People would complain of a gamey flavor but it wasn’t something I ever noticed. I grew to like deer meat over the years especially in summer sausage.

David would kill a deer and with the meat he would have it made into sausage, summer sausage, jerky, etc. And it was good stuff! My favorite being the jalapeno cheddar summer sausage. It’s spicy as hell and so delicious.

Last night I was at David’s house for a bit just catching up, shooting the shit as he says and I was told to help myself to whatever food I could find as I was starving and very poor. I opened the fridge and BAM there it was. Jalapeno cheddar summer sausage. Dammit to all hell.

My reasons for not eating meat are due, in large part as most of you know, to factory farming and the gross mistreatment of the animals and disgusting unknown contents of the meat that comes in the package at most grocery stores (feces, hormones, antibiotics, piss, cancer, tumors, Jimmy Hoffa, etc.)

So I tried to reason with myself: This deer that in this fridge right now hasn’t been factory farmed or in a meat processing center. It’s as clean as meat can be and I know that the deer hasn’t been mistreated and it was allowed to live in its natural habitat for its short life. It wasn’t fed any antibiotics and it grew to its full size naturally. 

If I was going to eat any meat, this would be it. I thought about it long and hard.  I was very close to breaking down and eating it. I didn’t eat it. I wanted to, for sure. My mouth was watering at the thought of it but I just couldn’t do it. It’s still an animal that didn’t have to die to feed me and I just didn’t want to eat it. (Plus, I am pretty sure they add pork fat to the sausage since deer meat has very little fat in it, but for all I know the pork fat could have been home killed as well.)

So it is with a heavy heart and bated breath that I begrudgingly say goodbye to fish. I held onto fish because I love sushi and I really don’t want to give that up but I don’t know that I can do it any more. I just don’t feel right about it.

It has been months since I have eaten fish. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time so I am going to say it won’t be that tough to give it up, but yeah. No more fish. I will miss sushi but as long as I don’t ever have to give up sake, I think I should be okay. Vegetable sushi is pretty much the worst, but I think I can suffer through it. And I know tofu sushi exists so maybe it doesn’t suck?

Raw oysters is a whole other story. I may cry the first time I have to say no to them but I think I can do it. If I can say no to jalapeno cheese summer sausage, I think I can bid oysters adieu for good.

Oh raw oysters, I barely knew yee…

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Wet Dream Indeed

I have smiled twice today and they were both thanks to Daniel. One being his awesomely vulgar book review which you can find here. The other would be this:

Sweet rotted teeth, that's nice!

It’s a Cotton Candy room. Cotton. Candy. Room. It’s like a dream come true. I would happily die of sugar coma and diabetes in this room. I didn't so much smile at this as I was overcome with immense joy that something this wonderful exists in this shitty world.

There is no crying in Cotton Candy Room, indeed.

Thank you, Daniel! You’re the best, buddy!  

images via Gawker

D.P.'s CBRIII Review #3 - Johannes Cabal: Necromancer by Jonathan L. Howard

Okay, I'm in a piss-poor angry fuck-the-world mood today, but I'm nothing if not dedicated so here's your goddamn book review, everyone.  The book is Johannes Cabal: Necromancer.  This book is weirder than shit.  It's weirder than Steve Buscemi skull-fucking you right in the brain hole.  Perhaps I'm exaggerating.

Basic plot is such: Johannes Cabal is a necromancer (hope I'm not spoiling anything yet).  Long ago, he sold his soul to Satan in order to continue conducting some kind of experiments.  But now he needs his soul back.  So he goes down to Hell (the first stage of which consists of lots and lots of paperwork) to visit Satan and be all "Hey yo, I need my soul back" and Satan is all "LOL, no" and Johannes is all like "You're a dick, dude."

So Satan agrees to make a wager with him.  Johannes has one year to get 100 people to sign their souls over to Satan.  If he can get 100 people to do so in one year, he'll give Johannes his soul back.  So Johannes goes back out into the world and employees the help of his zombie brother (told you, it's weird) and a bunch of other half dead zombie creatures and they put together a travelling carnival (The Cabal Bros. Carnival) to traverse the land, visiting small towns, setting up rides, fun, and games for one night and recruiting souls in each town.

That's essentially the plot.  He's racing against the clock to gather 100 souls in time to meet the deadline so he can get his soul back.  I won't ruin the ending, but clusterfuckery reigns supreme and the ending is pretty interesting and the reason Cabal wants his soul back is finally revealed at the end in quite the touching way, which leaves the book open for a sequel (which happened: Johannes Cabal: The Detective is on bookshelves now).

I enjoyed it.  It dragged slightly in a few places, but it was unique enough to keep my interest and darkly funny at times.  I'll be checking out the sequel.  I give it 7.5 Goddammit Fuck Todays out of a possible 10 GFTs.  Go read.

Staceygarrett's CBRIII Review #3: The Death of Bunny Munro by Nick Cave

This right here is why I chose this book. The majority of my book suggestions, movie suggestions, television suggestions and life suggestions come from Pajiba. I listen the majority of their suggestions is what I am saying with the exception of music as they continue to tell me to listen to Ben Folds and I just can’t even be doing it.

I don’t actually know who Nick Cave is and a quick Wikipedia search lets me know that I have never heard of anything that he has ever had anything to do with. I’m just not that cool of a person, I suppose. Anyhoo, I wondered if I didn’t know anything of this Nick Cave person would I still enjoy his book?

Yes, yes I did. 

For a second there I thought I was balls-deep in an early Palahniuk before he started writing solely for the purpose of grossing out and confusing every (I am look at YOU, Snuff!).  And I only make this comparison because not only was it pretty vulgar but, for a while there, I had no idea what was going on which is fitting because I am pretty sure that both Bunny and Bunny Junior had no clue of what was going on either.

Bunny Munro is a traveling cosmetic salesman. Think Mary Kay with a hard, raging, insatiable dick. And boy is he an asshole.  A few pages into the book I thought to myself, “Geez Louise, this guy is a fucking asshole!” and being an asshole is where he lives. Not because he is a bad person but because he is the most extreme nymphomaniac to have ever graced the pages of literature. Well, in my experience at least (I haven’t read every book every published…yet).  

Bunny is a womanizing dickhead with no sense of right, wrong, bad, good, crazy, sane. No sense whatsoever, really. The only sense he is equipped with being able to gauge when women will sleep with him and even then he is wrong a lot of the time. And when he is wrong, he acts out like a petulant child. He gets pissy when any woman doesn’t want him. No, seriously. He will piss on everything you own, even your toothbrush, if you reject his advances.

Bunny’s wife suffers from depression, probably because her husband is an asshole who will fuck anything at any time on any thing (If it has a hole, he is going to stick his dick in it). He comes home to his wife and child after banging both a prostitute and a waitress only to find that his wife has gone off her meds and destroyed everything in the home that Bunny has ever touched. She has also locked herself in her bedroom and left Bunny Junior on the couch with a stack of pizzas and liters of Coke.

Bunny makes his way into the bedroom eventually and he finds that his wife has hung herself (this does seem a little spoilery but it tells you this on the back cover so I thought it was fine to go ahead and divulge that). In the wake of her suicide, Bunny has a hard time dealing with pretty much everything including his grief and his son so he goes about dealing in the only way he knows how: selling cosmetics, drinking copious amounts of whatever he can get his hands on, banging chicks, etc.

And this is where he starts slowly, spectacularly, falling apart and losing his mind. The majority of the book is him attempting to cope with his wife’s suicide while also trying to not be the shittiest father on the planet, he fails at both.

While I wasn’t always sure where it was going a lot of the time, I enjoyed the book. I am attracted to weird and vulgar in my literature and I wasn’t let down on either aspect. Still not really sure who this Nick Cave person is but I would totally read him again.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Asshole Monday: Necco stole my childhood

You know whats not kind, fine or good, this new recipe!

I have mentioned this before in a previous blog but I think it really deserves an Asshole Monday post because I am still super pissed about it.

Necco = Asshole

For those of you that aren’t in the know, Necco makes the most delicious Valentine’s Day candy ever…or at least they USED to.

Necco is the maker of the original Sweethearts Conversation Hearts. Those wonderful, nothing but sugar, rot your teeth upon sight hearts that only come around once a year. Well Necco went and fucked this up royally.

Picture it, Memphis, mid-January 2010: I expectantly ventured into the Valentine’s aisle at Kroger to purchase my first of many bags of conversation hearts when I noticed that a little bit of fuckery was afoot. The package changed. “Hmmmm…” I thought to myself, “I don’t like changes to my candy…” The package used to be red with a see-through window so you can see how many of your favorite colors are in the bag. You never, ever buy the first bag of conversation hearts you pick up, unless you’re an idiot and you love disappointment. You have to go through the bags for a second to see how many Yellows and Oranges there are. If you pick up a bag and there is an over abundance of Green, you put that shit back and you keep digging. But this new package was bullshit.

The official candy of Raping your Childhood

It was all pink and purple and instead of the helpful spy window, there was some cockamamie picture of the hearts inside. Um, what is going on here??? Then I turned the package over. There was a picture of the hearts with a flavor listed under each color. Huh? And Blue Raspberry?! Why is there even a blue in this bag?! This was when I started to sweat a little. I was very skeptical about what was inside and I had every reason to be.

Curious and a little uneasy, I bought a bag and took them home. Little did I know that I was about to experience one of the biggest, most horrific, most heart-wrenching disappointments of my life…

They fucked up and gave them flavors. FLAVORS! They changed the entire recipe for one of the most beloved candies of all time just so they could give them something as ridiculous as a flavor. Everyone knows that the only thing conversation hearts should ever taste like is colors. Purple shouldn’t taste like grape, it should taste like purple. Yellow is the most delicious yellow I have ever tasted, why did you have to go and make it lemon?!

I had hoped that Necco, nearing bankruptcy from this gigantic fuck-up, has wised up and gone back to the original recipe for this beloved childhood treat…negative. Not only did I find this same bullshit pink and purple bag of disappointment they also come in sparkling. Yes. Not only do our vampires sparkle but our favorite candy sparkles as well. Why? Why?! Hhhhwwwwhhhhyy!!!??!?!

If you think I am overreacting, I assure you I am not. In doing research for this post (about five minutes) I have found many, many people absolutely livid about the new changes. Necco has gone and fucked with a classic and no one is taking this lightly. I haven’t gone so far as to write the company and tell them my feelings, but lots of people have and we are all very pissed off about all of this. We will not rest until this is solved (I don’t mean this literally, I sleep all the time).

If anyone out there is wondering what has really been taken from me in all this mess, let me drop some knowledge:

Every year around Valentine’s day I would buy a bag of conversation hearts and I would take them out by the handful. I would eat them in the following order: white, green, pink, purple, orange, yellow, always saving my favorite colors for last. I would repeat this handful eating process until I felt sick and then I would close the bag. Feeling as though my teeth were about to fall out and my head all swimmy from the sugar I would swear off them for the rest of the day. Ten minutes later, I would reopen the bag convincing myself that the only thing that will make me feel better is more sugar. Necco has now killed this wonderful time of year for me. Thank you, Necco, for ruining this late January early February tradition of mine. You have successfully raped my childhood in your stupid efforts to remarket a classic. Congratulations.

And a word of warning to Peeps: I swear upon all that is holy in this world, if you go and give peeps any other flavor besides sugar coated marshmallow, I will set fire to the Just Born headquarters. I am a woman teetering on the edge here. (Yes, there are some peeps with flavors, but you can still buy the original non-flavored ones in bulk. See that, Necco! You can still offer the original, fucktards!)

Brachs, I am officially yours now. Treat me right.

Look at all those yellows!

Friday, January 14, 2011

So I hear your zodiac symbol changed...

How can anyone freak out about anything when there are uni-corn holders in the world???

Okay people, let’s all take a deep breath.

So yesterday or the day before or whenever, the zodiac signs supposedly changed for some reason or another and everyone is, like, super pissy about it. My question: Why?

I have always been either a Gemini or a Cancer. I am on the cusp as they say and depending on what chart or whatever you check, I can be either/or with my birthday being June 21st.  Now I am a Cancer, I believe. Which I sort of always have been but regardless, again, who cares?

Is there anyone out there who is going to be greatly affected by this? Has your life changed monumentally because of astrology? Are you not the same asshole you once were now that, supposedly, you’re a Libra instead of a….whatever comes after Libra? I’m going to say you probably are.

In an effort to be a more efficient blogger I have actually done some research for you people so we can all have a better of understanding of what everyone is flipping out about.  However, I am not so efficient that I am going to break it down for you in layman’s terms because I am not that smart but I will provide you with a helpful link if anyone cares so go here my little assholes. 

If you want me to break it down for you very, very simply: All kinds of shit in space has, like, shifted and now your zodiac symbol has probably changed but it really doesn’t matter because it’s all garbage created by hippies (no disrespect hippies, love you!) so everyone can calm down.

I have never held much stock in horoscopes or any of that mess. I have never met a horoscope that was right and I have never read a zodiac breakdown about myself that was accurate, for example let’s break down a few things about both Cancer and Gemini since I am sort of both and see how accurately they describe me:

Cancer Strengths: - Loyalty (yeah, probably) – Dependable (for the most part)  – Caring (absolutely) – Adaptable (umm…) – Responsive (Yes)

Cancer Weakness: - Moody (totally) – Clingy (not especially) - Self-pitying (for sure)  –Oversensitive (not really) - Self-absorbed (no doubt, but how is this a weakness???)

Gemini Strengths: - Energetic (ha!) - Clever (duh!) – Imaginative (absolutely) – Witty (I have my moments) – Adaptable (apparently I should be very adaptable)

Gemini Weakness:  Superficial (all day long) – Impulsive (not at all) – Restless (not so much) – Devious (you say that like it’s a bad thing) – Indecisive (who me? I don’t think so…

Okay so maybe I didn’t prove my case completely that zodiac signs and meanings are bullshit, but whatever. I am sure I can find parts of myself in every sign.

Anyhoo, everyone calm the fuck down. There are more important things you should be worried about than what BS sign you now identify with, I assure you. Like, did you know that you can comment on my blog? True Story. You totally can. Let’s try that now…