Monday, January 24, 2011

Asshole Monday: Sinuses and Sock Wearers

In an effort to be more positive, I am going to attempt to keep my complaining and orneriness strictly on Monday where I find most people are at their worst and ready for a good bitch-session. I am not trying to be a blog that only complains, that just isn’t me (not that I don’t complain).

And in doing Asshole Monday for a few months now, I have found that there aren’t as many assholes in this world as I had originally thought, or at least there aren’t that many brought to my attention. So I need to broaden the specifics for Asshole Monday:

Asshole Monday could be about a specific asshole (person, idea, candy, book, television, the general public, etc) or it could be complaining about something harmless in turn making ME the asshole. I am an asshole a lot of the time and in no way am I trying to pretend like I am not so I will attempt to keep it all on this unholiest of days, Monday.

I am picking today to complain and/ or call my sinuses out for being an insufferable dickhead.

I am pretty sure I am getting sick. I can already feel the drainage seeping down my throat and my nose feels like I just accidentally snorted chlorinated water. I am tired as all hell and I want, desperately, to be in bed. This isn’t happening as I have no sick days yet and I called in last week with a wicked case of the spins.*

Being sick at work is the worst.  For one, you’re at work. Boo. And then add to that you feel like crap. There is no fun to be had here. I am not exactly sick yet but the coughing has begun and my throat is all scratchy and soreish. Dammit.

So this is putting me in a pretty foul mood. And is just me or does it seem like there is absolutely no reason for ever getting a sinus infection??? They just want to fuck up whenever they damn well please. It isn’t due to any form of germs or anything (or it might be, I am no expert on anything) and you can’t catch a sinus infection from anyone, sinuses just choose to be an asshole.

However if you were to ask my dad, always the expert on all things health related seeing as how he is an exterminator, why exactly it is that people, more specifically me, get sick he will probably say, “Because she doesn’t wear socks.”

Whenever I was a kid and it was between the months of October and April and I was found not wearing socks AROUND THE HOUSE I would be told immediately to go put socks on as I would become sick with some retched virus all because I made the bone-headed decision to not wear socks. At home.  In a climate controlled house. I was young and taught to never question authority so I did it even though I always thought it was stupid.

It wasn’t until years later, when I was old enough to know that I need to question everything that doesn’t make sense, that I thought to myself “What does wearing socks around the house have to do with anything? Since when did cold feet = swine flu?”

So one day when I was in my early 20s and still lived with my parents, I was told to go put some socks on before I made everyone in the house sick. This time, before turning on my heel and marching to my sock drawer, I asked dad “Why is this? What does having cold feet have do with getting sick? You are full of shit (shit is, hands down, our favorite curse word around the Garrett household).” The only answer he could give me was “It just does!” which means, he has no idea why it makes you sick it just does and he doesn’t have time for your snarky bullshit so stop questioning him go put some socks on, you are not too old to be grounded.

Since then I never really wore socks around the house again unless my feet were freezing. It’s the little acts of rebellion that I revel in. However this doesn’t stop dad from telling Garrett or Whitman, small children who are always sick just like every other small child, to put some socks on before they get sick. All children with any illness probably got that way due to sock negligence, FYI.

So my newfound, oncoming sinus infection is my own fault, really. I didn’t wear socks all weekend.

*For those of you that don’t know, I have been cursed with vertigo. It is a pain in the ass and the worst feeling known to man. I only get attacks, for some reason and thankfully, while I am asleep. I will wake up in the middle of the night with my eyes going all crazy-like (click on the link, it will take you to wikipedia where you can see the involuntary eye movements for yourself) so I can’t still them in my head. It also feels like the room is spinning out of control around me while I am standing still. I literally don’t know which end is up. It sucks and I hear it gets worse the older you get…awesome.


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