Asshole Monday: Necco stole my childhood

You know whats not kind, fine or good, this new recipe!

I have mentioned this before in a previous blog but I think it really deserves an Asshole Monday post because I am still super pissed about it.

Necco = Asshole

For those of you that aren’t in the know, Necco makes the most delicious Valentine’s Day candy ever…or at least they USED to.

Necco is the maker of the original Sweethearts Conversation Hearts. Those wonderful, nothing but sugar, rot your teeth upon sight hearts that only come around once a year. Well Necco went and fucked this up royally.

Picture it, Memphis, mid-January 2010: I expectantly ventured into the Valentine’s aisle at Kroger to purchase my first of many bags of conversation hearts when I noticed that a little bit of fuckery was afoot. The package changed. “Hmmmm…” I thought to myself, “I don’t like changes to my candy…” The package used to be red with a see-through window so you can see how many of your favorite colors are in the bag. You never, ever buy the first bag of conversation hearts you pick up, unless you’re an idiot and you love disappointment. You have to go through the bags for a second to see how many Yellows and Oranges there are. If you pick up a bag and there is an over abundance of Green, you put that shit back and you keep digging. But this new package was bullshit.

The official candy of Raping your Childhood

It was all pink and purple and instead of the helpful spy window, there was some cockamamie picture of the hearts inside. Um, what is going on here??? Then I turned the package over. There was a picture of the hearts with a flavor listed under each color. Huh? And Blue Raspberry?! Why is there even a blue in this bag?! This was when I started to sweat a little. I was very skeptical about what was inside and I had every reason to be.

Curious and a little uneasy, I bought a bag and took them home. Little did I know that I was about to experience one of the biggest, most horrific, most heart-wrenching disappointments of my life…

They fucked up and gave them flavors. FLAVORS! They changed the entire recipe for one of the most beloved candies of all time just so they could give them something as ridiculous as a flavor. Everyone knows that the only thing conversation hearts should ever taste like is colors. Purple shouldn’t taste like grape, it should taste like purple. Yellow is the most delicious yellow I have ever tasted, why did you have to go and make it lemon?!

I had hoped that Necco, nearing bankruptcy from this gigantic fuck-up, has wised up and gone back to the original recipe for this beloved childhood treat…negative. Not only did I find this same bullshit pink and purple bag of disappointment they also come in sparkling. Yes. Not only do our vampires sparkle but our favorite candy sparkles as well. Why? Why?! Hhhhwwwwhhhhyy!!!??!?!

If you think I am overreacting, I assure you I am not. In doing research for this post (about five minutes) I have found many, many people absolutely livid about the new changes. Necco has gone and fucked with a classic and no one is taking this lightly. I haven’t gone so far as to write the company and tell them my feelings, but lots of people have and we are all very pissed off about all of this. We will not rest until this is solved (I don’t mean this literally, I sleep all the time).

If anyone out there is wondering what has really been taken from me in all this mess, let me drop some knowledge:

Every year around Valentine’s day I would buy a bag of conversation hearts and I would take them out by the handful. I would eat them in the following order: white, green, pink, purple, orange, yellow, always saving my favorite colors for last. I would repeat this handful eating process until I felt sick and then I would close the bag. Feeling as though my teeth were about to fall out and my head all swimmy from the sugar I would swear off them for the rest of the day. Ten minutes later, I would reopen the bag convincing myself that the only thing that will make me feel better is more sugar. Necco has now killed this wonderful time of year for me. Thank you, Necco, for ruining this late January early February tradition of mine. You have successfully raped my childhood in your stupid efforts to remarket a classic. Congratulations.

And a word of warning to Peeps: I swear upon all that is holy in this world, if you go and give peeps any other flavor besides sugar coated marshmallow, I will set fire to the Just Born headquarters. I am a woman teetering on the edge here. (Yes, there are some peeps with flavors, but you can still buy the original non-flavored ones in bulk. See that, Necco! You can still offer the original, fucktards!)

Brachs, I am officially yours now. Treat me right.



Look at all those yellows!