Friday, June 24, 2011

Who Says I have no Content? (Everyone)

Yesterday was a very momentous day for me and it for sure needs to be a blog topic that everyone cares about...I got contacts!

It’s been about a year since I’ve had contacts, and they were really old contacts that were only supposed to be worn for two weeks and I ended up wearing them for three years (I am not the only person that does this, right???) and now thanks to vision insurance I have new contacts! Yay!

No more glasses glare! Woot!

But yeah, I do look weird without glasses. Or, as Garrett tells me, “You look really, kinda, scary.” He breaks it down for me pretty honestly every time. If I ever have a question about anything, it usually ends up with him telling me I look fat. Before I can even get the full question out, not matter what that question is, “…you look fat.”

As weird and/or scary as I look, it’s nice to be able to see again and to read street signs without squinting and see red lights miles before I get to them and who knew trees had leaves on them?! Insanity. So yeah, I am now writing about eyesight…

Instead of asking me, “Why are you blogging about this?” Maybe you should be asking yourselves, “Why am I reading about this?” Yeah. I'm just writing things down and you dumbasses are actively choosing to read this nonsense. Who is the real moron here? ...I just made you think about that for a second, didn’t I?

I've been told time and time again that I have no content and no one cares about my nephews and that's true for the most part. There are a select few that do, though. And if there are about ten people out there that actually enjoy reading them, then that’s good enough for me. Christy gets to read (there is a possibility that she has since stopped reading) about what her children do when she is not around. Everyone wants to know that and I see a side of them that she doesn’t get to see. It's pretty cool. These are memories frozen in time, people! (if you got that reference, you’re cool)

Do you know how many memories I have that are blurry as fuck? A lot and we didn't have a video camera or anything fancy, so a lot of my memories are damn near gone.  Now the boys have the ridiculous shit they do written down. In detail. For all the world to see. One day that might be cool to them? I don't know. It’s doubtful but it can't hurt, right?

And I read a lot of blogs. Blogs of people I don't know but whose lives I actually care about. It's weird as shit, but yeah. So someone that does not know me, may think my mediocre life is entertaining? I don't know, I doubt it but you're the one reading this…

I mean, I know that no one really cares about the details of my life in the grand scheme of things, but I just happen to think I am very funny and that someone out there may be entertained by my brand of low-brow humor. Bloggers are nothing if not self-aware, I may be a dickhead about a lot of things and I am for sure a much larger asshole more than I care to admit, but I am funny, you can’t disagree with that (you can). So you may think my blog sucks (yes) and that I am kinda terrible as well but…

of course you do! Why wouldn’t you? I have a blog for chrissakes. That’s pretty much a given. If blogging wasn’t completely self-centered and absurd, Mother Teresa would have a tumblr, “Fuck Yeah! Good Deeds!” but as it stands now I write for the masses (twelve people) and if it bores you…why are you still here???

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Perverts, Lend Me your Ears

I am going to take the time to give a small shout out to a person that I absolutely adore. Perhaps you have heard of him, his name is Daniel or DP as he is known of on this blog.

We have been friends for many years. We met at work and years after I was fired from that place, here we are, still friends. We still talk every day and I don’t know what I’d do without him in my life.

It started out he was a great paper box carrier. If you needed paper or samples or anything that was housed in a cardboard box, I would call Daniel and he would get it for me. He seemed like a cool enough dude but he was so quiet and I could never really get a read on him.

I didn’t really get to know Daniel until that thing called Myspace. We became Myspace friends and we realized that we had a lot in common; books, movies, television and a small penchant for nerdy things. I guess you could say that we bonded over nerd culture.

Throughout the years he has been someone who always gives a trustworthy opinion and good, sometimes brutal, honest advice. He has also been a solid friend, never judging, always supportive. Basically, he’s a great fucking guy.

He’s also responsible for 75% of this blog’s viewership since last Monday. Because of this.

Yes. When I went to check my Google Search Words to see what was directing people to my blog and they were all going there. Chyna Porn.

My blog is now the leading ex-wrestler porn review site. So when anyone out there is looking for review on Chyna porn (and there are a lot more than you think) they are coming here. To my shitty blog. Where I talk about small children and Facebook. I don’t really know what to do with my newfound fame. Maybe we need to start reviewing porn with Joey Buttafuoco or John Bobbit??? I don’t know. I am open to suggestions, whatever keeps people reading???

All that being said, I can’t say I don’t love my newfound popularity so thank you, Daniel. You are amazing…and also a giant pervert with a large vocabulary. Love you, buddy!

This week on Facebook: Father's Day Fuckery

"Viggo from Ghostbusters 2 is in Memphis and is wanted for selling drugs...guess being a ghost was easier."

With anyone else this would be TMI but with this particular person, ROFLMAO = Prettty sure a massacre just took place in my hospital room. Blood evvverrrywherreee.

The only two Father’s Day statuses that didn’t make me cringe:

- Thanks for not pulling out, dad. Happy Father’s Day.

- Just ate half a pan of sister Schubert rolls for lunch. Fuck off, it’s father’s day. Don’t judge me.

And speaking of Father’s Day, here is the thing: Is it really necessary to wish your father a HFD when he doesn’t even have a facebook? What is the point in that? It’s kind of like wishing your small children happy birthday on your status before they can even read. Are they ever going to know? Would they even care? My dad doesn’t have a facebook (thankfully!) but even if he did and I was to wish him a HFD on it, he would laugh at me and tell me I was being stupid and a little phony, and he would have probably said so on that status. Just saying…

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) –

STOP making up LIES about ME and spreading them around. Everyone has to answer to GOD someday and ur NO exception. YOU KNOW WHO U ARE: I say UU AND YOU SAY ME--!! – this person is 29-years-old, not 16. And even for a 16-year-old this is fucking ridiculous. I will never stop being amazed at people putting their drama on blast (I just said “on blast”) for all the world to see. You might as well post a status that says, “I’m a drama-filled dumbass that wants attention, please message me and ask about it.”

Statuses Done Right:

- Wishes Pink and Taylor Swift would stop making music.

- Waiting in line at Krystals. There’s this chick with half her ass hanging out of her tiny onesie…and she keeps pulling it down like it makes a difference. Honey, you aren’t helping anything.

- I’ve had friends die and been cheating on by girlfriends, but there’s no heartbreak on earth comparable to seeing that there’s an Angry Birds app update, only to click on it and find out that it’s just bug fixes and not new levels.

- Lunch time. Trying to eat healthier. What’s the best lettuce to put on a donut?

- Lot of people at the New Kids/ Backstreet Boys concert tonight but not me. I’m holding out for the Menudo/ Right Said Fred show.

- Wheel of Fortune tryouts at the Desoto Civic Center today. Kinda want to go, but why bother? My spelling skills are top-notch, but my wheel spinning abilities are poop.

- Remember that one time when Creed was popular? What was weird, right? Were we drunk?

- I’ve lived in Memphis for years but I’ve never torn da club up or walked up 2 yo’ house, knocked on yo’ do’ and blowed yo’ ass off. I also haven’t hooked up with any chicken heads on the late night tip. Starting to think I’m not as cool as I thought I was.

- Roid rage just kicked in. Full Force. Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife. Benoit has been reincarnated.

- Crazy screaming cat lady is being crazy and screaming like a cat again. Just thought you all should know!

- Dude. Pain meds + benedryl + power rangers on tv =

- First complain of the day at 7:08am: “Is there anything you can do about the sun being so bright?” Umm no, im just a mortal man.

- Heck yeah constipated at work!

- Cum on  my cat’s face once, shame on me…

- Hahaha ok which one of my friend’s events is this? “Wish Pokemon Were Real Day” Friday, November 11

Monday, June 20, 2011

Asshole Monday: Turning 30

Stacey! Stay this age. FOREVER.

Yeah, so I will be 30 tomorrow. My only reaction to this so far has been, “…” That’s all I’ve got. My reaction is to have no reaction. I don’t feel 30, though. Most days I feel either 16 or 46, depending on how much sleep I get and how much I have had to drink. And if we are going by my Wii Fit age, I am currently 42.

I think back to when I was about 17 and I thought 30 just seemed SO OLD! It’s not, at all, but I thought it was. There was also a perception I had in my mind of how 30 was supposed to be and where I would be when I turned 30. So here are the things that 17-year-old me thought people were “supposed to” have by the time they are 30, let’s take a gander at which of these things I actually posses, shall we:

A Career: As I have said before, I have a college degree. I have one that took quite a while to get. Not because I got a masters or a doctorate or even majored in anything difficult, it just took me a while because I had a job and I also lacked that thing that people have to get though college, motivation. My only motivation was to be done with school forever, so I did that and got myself one of those degree things. But just because you have a degree doesn’t mean you are using it. So I don’t so much have a career as much I just have a job. So, fail on that one.

Children: Nope and, kinda, yay! If I had had kids when I was intending on having kids, I would be in a much different situation now and I am very much grateful that that didn’t happen. But I thought I needed kids at one time, so fail, once again.

A marriage: Again, negative on this one. I had one of those, I just failed at it. However, I don’t so much see it as a failure when two people see that something isn’t working and instead of sticking it out to be miserable forever, we parted ways and on good terms. That doesn’t happen often and seeing as how I still have a good relationship with my ex-husband I am going to call that whole marriage thing a draw. But am I am married like I thought I should be? Nope.

A home: Ha. That is funny. Yeah as we all know, I live with my sister and her family. It’s an ideal situation for everyone involved but, still, I am older now and I should probably be on my own but that isn’t happening any time soon. Plus, it’s kinda fun. And this way I get to have children without sacrificing my body. But, no home to speak of over here. Fail.

Money: This is actually funnier than me having a home right now. Money is something I am convinced I will never have again. I am not so much fine with this as I don’t really have any other choice but to fine with it. Am I as successful and wealthy as I thought I should be? Not even close. F-ail.

So I have none of these things and I will be 30 in less than 24 hours. Do I feel like a failure at life? Kinda. Do I care? Not really. As everyone has told me since July of 2009, “Things can always be worse.” I went through almost two years of being told that and then, things kept getting worse. That is when I realized that people are wrong. Just when you think that things can’t get any worse, they usually do. That being said, things are finally starting to look up. Win!

No, I don’t have a career but I do have a job which is more than some people can say right now. I have no children, but I do have two nephews that adore me and who I can borrow at any time when children are needed (Seeing Toy Story 3 twice in theaters, playing with Play-doh, coloring, not wanting to eat in public by myself, etc.). Nope, not married and more than ok with it. I don’t have a home to call my own, but I do have a sister that lets me stay in her home and eat her groceries and use her hot water for free. Money is a whole other story, but I am not going hungry or homeless or without clothing anytime soon. I need much more money than I have, but I am getting by (not really).

So, yeah, I will be an old as fuck failure tomorrow, according to 17-year-old me, but 17-year-old me wore halter tops with bees on it with high-waisted-mom-jeans, so what does she know?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

This week on Facebook: The Weather

So many good pictures this week!

I'm looking at YOU 1/4 of the chicks I am friends with

This is funny on manys levels.
The Jesus looking dude is Athiest Jim as everyone bows before him at a wedding...I laughed...a good bit

Hey At@t eat my ass(sorry old people). What it do vorizon (sic). - I have also recently made the switch from AT&T to Verizon but that is not what I am here to talk about. It’s the “sorry old people” that gets me. As anyone that is FB friends with me can attest to, I don’t give a shit less what anyone, young or old, thinks about what I post in my statuses. If they don’t like it or if I am too vulgar, there is a hide feature. You never have to see me again if you don’t want to. What also annoys the piss out of me is people asking you to censor yourself on FB. I don’t really care if your 13 year old niece is your fb friend and may see that I wrote the word “ass” in a comment on your status. Tell your niece to nut up or get off FB. It’s as simple as that. There is nothing I hate more than to get reprimanded by a peer with a “Language!” in response to anything I say.  The world is a shitty place with bad language, get used to it or prepare yourself to live your life constantly offended.

When u find the right one ur love is a shelter from a storm, love is peice in the middle of a war. If u try to leave may god send angels to gaurd the door. Love is not a fight but its worth fighting for. – Shockingly enough the person that posted this is not a 14-year-old Twitard with her first boyfriend. It’s a 31-year-old man.

There is nothing Facebookians like discussing more than the weather and there was a hell of a summer storm here on Monday:

- Getting pretty dark out! Definitely about to be some bad storms near me... hopefully we avoid the tornadoes b/c I know there have been some near by. I just PRAY we don't lose electricity b/c I need my A/C in this heat! – Yes please pray for air conditioning. I hear that is very effective.

- Hey guys. It's about to rain like a mother fucker. FYI

- I'm so glad I just got the pool clean, so now I can clean again after this storm.

- Hope the storm holds off long enough to get to my wife and son

- Not even an hour ago I was cruisin' down Poplar with sunglasses on and now it looks like it's 9:00 pm outside

- looks like 9:00 at night outside. These storm clouds are no joke.

- I believe I left my sunroof cracked. I hope that I am wrong.

- I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I think we're all about to die.

Religious Fuckery:

Why are we so quick to get angry and upset, when we should be thankful for everything God has put in our lives- trials and triumphs! – Big ups to Jesus for cancer, child molestation, AIDS, rape, incest, murder, ingrown toenails, papercuts and lupus. Be thankful for your debilitating diseases and life-ruining trauma. God might give you a sunny day to make it all better! You ungrateful pricks…

What better way to end "pirate day" than telling your kid that the best treasures are stored in heaven not on earth; and God offers us the greatest treasure of all, his only son Jesus to die on the cross for all of our sins! – Bahahaaahhhaaaaaa. I don’t even know what the fuck to say about this. Even Christians have to be rolling their eyes at that one, am I right?! That is just a bit much for anyone.

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -   

This weeks WTFITOFB comes to us from a message sent to me by the incomparable Jason Snell. I am just going to copy and paste the entire message here. It is worth reading:

B likes Bone marrow.· Like This Page.

Seriously?!?!!?!?!? It's not liking bone marrow transplants... just bone marrow. This kid is a retard. I looked at the page and it is just about bone marrow.

I often wonder why certain things even have a FB page, things like bone marrow. I, personally, am not a fan of bone marrow but I do love me some plasma…

Statuses done Right

"What a night, hookers aplenty, I forgot to buy condoms, but they looked clean" - Magic Johnson.

- Since when did the term gay and retarded become racist words... that really limits my vocabulary. Next thing you know douche will be racist too...

- I want to see Chris Bosh cry his eye out.

- As soon as I came home from work, I laid down on the bed. Just now waking up. I feel like a movie character who has no idea what happened or how he got where he is. Checking for face tattoos and bathroom tigers now.

- This mud-covered, flea-ridden buffalo at Shelby Farms is my spirit animal.

- Power's out. There are straw huts in Uganda that don't lose electricity as often as my neighborhood. Suck all the dicks, MLGW.

- If I had a nickel for every time I was sitting at my computer with Facebook open, only to reach for my phone and check the Facebook app out of habit, I would be rich. Also, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

- I'm commiting suicide by McNugget. Slow, delicious suicide.

- Had a dream that a rattlesnake bit my eyeball. Never going to sleep again.

- Holy shit, there's a freaking rollie-pollie invasion in my office!!!

- Wait....people are STILL posting profile pics of their naked torsos?? Didn't society already establish that that's...douchey?

- I’m helping a stripper find an outfit for work tonight. My momma told me to do good deeds.

- Detailed Penetration Report... not as interesting as it sounds.

- A…who is 5…recently saw the Justin Beiber movie. She has been asking about going to California to meet him and if I know where his house is. Yeah.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Murderdeathkill: Family Car Decals

I was on the hunt on Amazon for this. It’s awesome, no?

Then I came across this.  Those words were taken from my mouth. And I just nodded, “Yes. That.”  

And that is why I am about to sit everyone down. Parents. Grandparents. Everyone. Have a fucking seat because we need to talk and this has been a long time coming. If I happen to offend, this is something you need to hear. And if anyone out there ever lets my opinion influence them in any way, you are doing it wrong.

Not a single fuck will ever be given about your stick figure family. Sure, it’s cute. But here is the thing; it’s not cute. You just think it’s cute. Everyone else thinks they are insufferable, tacky and beyond annoying and we are all sick of looking at them in traffic. I can’t throw an empty PBR can out the window (I would never) without hitting some fucking asshole with their family portrait in plastic, decal form. And the ones with the family pets are the worst.

So dad windsurfs and mom shops. Thanks, dick.

So not only is everyone subjected to how many mother fucking kids you have but now we have to learn about your pets as well? Why does this exist? Why do overbearing, crazy parents need to idolize their entire family with a vinyl sticker? It’s absurd and the least sincere form of family pride I think I have ever fucking seen.

And while we are on the subject of car stickers…

This. Right here.


Let me tell you a little story about these car stickers:

I think they are stupid (duh). I was behind a soccer mom one day about a year ago with my friend and blog contributer, Jim. The mom in front of us had two stickers. One was for a girl with her name underneath a ballerina shoe. Adorable (no). The other was for a boy by the name of Chance (not really, but I needed an obnoxious suburban boy name). The picture above Chance’s name was of a child reading a book. And here is where I decided I had had about enough with these stickers. 

We immediately both laughed at the absurdity of having both of your children’s names on your car, as not to play favorites, but what do you do when one of your children is good at nothing? (I will ask my parents this the next time I see them.) Is it really necessary to put both kid’s name on your car when one of them dances and one of them reads? Chance is a great kid and he sure he loves his comic books. He can’t dance or play any sport but he reads like a CHAMP! We went on with this for longer than we actually should have, that dead horse took all kinds of beatings. It was funny at the time and we both chuckled heartily. But I have to say, the kid reading the book looked familiar. Where had I seen that before???

Later that same day I was in Walgreens buying a few necessities (Red Bull, candy) when I see that same kid reading a book…on something for charity…for St Jude. St Jude’s logo is a child reading a book.

Yep. I inadvertently made fun of a child with cancer. I reached a new low that day.

However, I don’t exactly take this as my fault, it’s those fucking stickers, man. They get me down. I don’t need to know your child’s favorite sport (most of which I doubt those kids even play) or their favorite hobby or whatever. You people are making me learn things while driving, things about strangers kids that I don’t care about, and I hate that.

And why, all of a sudden, is every car you see have something or another boasting their children and their favorite thing to do? It’s like a plague. A plague of douchecanoe twatwaffle parents whose lives revolve around their children. Where is the end to this insanity? I saw one the other day with a tuba on it with a kids name underneath. Way to go, Spencer. You play the fucking tuba. You just told me to avoid ever going to your home because I bet your parents are going to make you play it for me. But you know, Spencer? I don’t blame you. I blame your parents. Your parents and their gloating disguised as pride.

I think the only sticker of this kind that I could ever tolerate would be a picture of an Xbox or a television or something else reclusive and nerdy with a kids name underneath. That sticker says everything about those parents that I ever wanted to know. Those parents are saying “Yeah, so your kid plays soccer. Way to go? My kid plays Xbox, and I just don’t give a fuck and I love them anyway so fuck off.” Those kinds of parents I could get behind, in traffic or otherwise.

I don’t think those stickers exist just yet so I am saying now that I came up with the idea. Write that down. Send me money when it catches on.  Thank you.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Backdoor To Chyna: An Analysis

Chyna is the name of one of pro wrestling's most well known female stars. I use the term 'female' loosely because in her heyday, she looked like this:

To her credit, she got jaw surgery, fake tits, and quit doing steroids so she's not quite THAT horrendous anymore, but it's all semantics really. Bitch ain't cute. So with that in mind, she's now decided to move on to full fledged porn. It's not her first rodeo. A few years ago, a homeade sex tape was released and that was horrifying enough. But this is honest to goodness professional shit here. Five scenes, shot from multiple angles. In high definition.

Reviewing this shows my dedication to my craft. I'm not this dedicated to my wife.

So let's review this shit, shall we?

- SCENE 1 -

Chyna is interviewed outside on the porch of a house with the Hollywood sign visible in the background. Kinda. It's blurred out. Of all the things that NEED to be blurred in this movie and they chose a goddamn landmark. *sigh*

The first scene is a 3-way lesbian scene. The 2 poor unfortunate girls who signed up for this are clearly weighing the difficulty of kicking meth against the shame that comes from burying their faces in Sheeva's snatch. Meth wins out and we get down to awkward, hesitant business. A dildo gets brought into play as everyone does a bunch of faked, over-the-top moaning. I assume it was fake. In my experience, women don't shudder to orgasm when a hand brushes against their chest but hey, maybe I'm doing it wrong. One of the women earns her paycheck and then some when she puts tongue to asshole on Chyna. Look, I'm an ass-man myself. I've licked an asshole or two in my day but I'm not sure there's a high enough caliber gun you could point to my head that would make me go down that road with Chyna.

Okay, so I survived that one....

- SCENE 2 -

Starts with Chyna just sorta standing there in what looks like a wrestling ring in a dungeon, slowly getting naked while looking really uncomfortable. She has big fake tits with nipples that look like they've been chewed on by beavers and a beaver that looks like badgers built it. Also, she has a huge scar on her stomach, but to the best of my knowledge (and Wikipedia), has no kids. Maybe she just got a C-section for the thrill? Is that what the kids are into these days?

Anyway, one-on-one scene here, her and some dude. There's not enough Viagra in the world man...

Somehow he musters up the courage to not only have sex with this woman, but give her the royal porn star treatment. He even picks her up and spins her upside down for a standing 69 at one point (I could not stop picturing Undertaker delivering a tombstone piledriver here). God bless this man. Being a male porn star is pretty high up there on the list of dream jobs, because 99% of the time, they get paid lots of money to have sex with beautiful women. But that other 1% is a motherfucker. Anyway, the scene ends in the normal porn way, and that's when it really hit me. I was a HUGE wrestling fan growing up and I just watched one of the biggest female stars in wrestling history take a load on the face. Fuckin' surreal man...

- SCENE 3 -

My will is weakening.

The scene kicks off with another interview, and then we move on into another one-on-one scene with her and some guy who drew the low number. First thing I notice here is this chick's ass is busted. I mean, don't get me wrong, Chyna is fug no matter which way you cut it but it wasn't like this in the first two scenes. But here, she's got some sort of ebola rash outbreak happening on her ass. Seriously, did Eli Roth direct this fuckin' movie?

And the guy she's fucking? Evan Stone. Goddammit man, I respected you...

To Chyna's credit though, she can actually deep throat. She took Evan Stone to the balls, that should count for something right? Maybe not. Oh God, there's anal! CHYNA IS GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS, FOLKS!! Never heard Good Ol' J.R. call that one. There's even ass-to-mouth, which is only acceptable when it's Rosario Dawson (see: Clerks 2). Evan Stone keeps telling her "Don't stop." Fuck that shit. Stop. At this point, my computer starts to act fucked up and the video actually moves in slow motion for several seconds. Really? Fuck you Dell.

She deepthroats him and he puts her in some sort of headlock with his legs. I think he's trying to choke her out and put an end to this madness but she's an athlete. No luck. Can't begrudge him for trying though.

- SCENE 4 -

Threesome time. Chyna, another girl, and a guy. The other girl is reasonably cute, but it's a moot point. My dick has already gone on strike. I'd have better luck getting an erection at Aschwitz right now.

The guy and the other girl damn near ignore Chyna in this scene, at least as much as they can. I'm pretty sure the other girl never once even lays a hand, much less a tongue, anywhere below Chyna's neck. The dude isn't so lucky and the paycheck demands he at least give both of the ladies somewhat equal treatment. When he's not fucking the cute blonde, he's watching her and clearly trying to ignore the horrendous furry canyon he's falling into dick-first.

Scene ends about the way most of these scenes do. Guy busts a load on 4 tits, Chyna makes "fuck me" eyes at the camera while the other chick makes "pay me" eyes at the camera.

- SCENE 5 -

Final scene, but they're not gonna let me get out of this unscathed. This is another threesome, this time....2 guys, 1 Chyna. Just what this porn needed to make me less aroused: more dingalings.

These guys give it their best shot though. They muster up as much enthusiasm as one can when entering a war zone and it's nearly convincing. Considering she's already done anal in this movie, I was bracing myself for the inevitable double penetration, but it never happened. Sequel anyone? I guess you can't give everything away in the first movie.

Mercifully, this atrocity ends in the usual way and I have another surreal moment of realizing one of the celebrities of my youth is taking jizzbombs on the chin for a living now.

Kill me.

Asshole Monday: Kid's birthday parties

Everyone wins when kids get to paint stuff

Hey everybody! My apologies if this blog is incoherent or just completely retarded (I know this word has been deemed inappropriate language but I have to disagree. I would never call a mentally handicapped person retarded, that would be mean. But I am retarded sometimes and I can call myself whatever I want) but I am typing it up from an iPad.

Oh, no no. Wait. Don't get me wrong. This isn't mine. I don't own an iPad. This is my sisters and she is wonderful and she is letting me use it while my phone just keeps on deciding not to work (please, first generation iPhone, don't crap out on me. I'll die) so I can do important things like check Facebook, email people and write a blog about using an iPad. You are all welcome.

Today (written Sunday) was Garrett's sixth birthday party. It was the first pool party that we have had at this house and I have to say it was... I have no idea. I wasn't there for it.

Look, people. We all know how much I love him and Whitman and they really are wonderful kids the majority of the time and I honestly like all kids (well the good ones) but there is something about kid's birthday parties that I cannot stand. I don't know if it is the loud noises. The frenzied grabbing of presents. Children running around in circles. Crying. Screaming. Convulsing. Fits of laughter. Jealous rage. Crazy sugar freak outs. The constant need for juice. Inflatable things. Things deflating. It's just all too much so I usually bail.

Look how happy and calm.

His birthday party today was at my actual house so bailing completely wasn't really a valid option for me. So I did what every good nanny does; I helped out with whatever I could help with and then I drank in my room. Duh. It was hot as hell outside and there is just no way that a dozen or so screaming kids is going to make that any better for anyone. Maybe having all those kids in one place at one time all going crazy is what I dread the most? I dunno. I just really can’t stand kids birthday parties and if the day comes when I have to throw one, I am not exactly sure how I will survive it. Maybe it’s different when it’s your kids?

There was an episode of The Office (when it was good) where Oscar describes something that he doesn’t really want to go to but he goes anyway and he likens it to a kid’s birthday party “There really isn’t anything for you to do there, but the kids are having a really good time so you’re kind of there.” Yes. Exactly.  You are kind of there, standing awkwardly, waiting for the kids to stop having fun so you can go.

I had to take Garrett to a birthday party last weekend. A party for one of Garrett’s school friends. A kid’s birthday party where I knew no one. To say I was dreading taking him is an understatement. But I had an idea. If I can take him, drop him off and then come back and get him, that would be ideal. I am not his mother. I don’t have to make friends with anyone. I am not there to plan play dates or swap recipes or whatever the fuck it is that mothers in the ‘ville do at these things. I just had a kid, that isn’t mine, that wanted to go to the party so leaving early sounded like the best option…but it didn’t to Garrett.

Before we got there, he was adamant that I stay. I guess he needed that sense of security that someone else he knows is there? I don’t know. I also think he thought I wasn’t going to come back for him which is preposterous (but maybe not unwarranted???). To say that I was dreading taking him is an understatement. I had terrible visions in my head of chit chatting with people and small talk and fake smiles. But he really wanted to go so of course I would do whatever he wanted. I got him to the party (fashionably 10 minutes late) and I walked him to the backyard where all the other kids were. I stood there making my presence known so Garrett would know that I wasn’t going to leave him and then something pretty amazing happened: He told me I could leave.

Garrett came over after playing for less than two minutes and he said “You can go now, Stacey. I will be fine. Just come pick me up in a few hours.” At this point I was equal parts proud, relieved and excited. I reached out to give him a hug for being so brave and he gave me this look that said “Please don’t hug me in front of my friends,” so I said “I won’t hug you now” and I gave him a little pat on the back. He said “Thank you” under his breath and ran off to play. I should have been overwhelmed with love and adoration for this kid that is growing up so fast but really I was just happy that I got to leave. If I had been forced to make awkward small talk with Collierville parents, things would have gotten hairy.

“But, Stacey,” you are asking yourself (no), “Is there any kid’s birthday party that you don’t hate?” Yes, yes there is. There is one exception to my kid's birthday party avoidance rule: when I get to make stuff.

For the past two years, Whitman has chosen to have his birthday parties at a pottery painting place and I was all about it. If I get to paint, color, sculpt, trace whatever, I am down. If I can make a fucking teddy bear, where do I sign up? Yes I know that the painting is for the kids but I don't have any of those. Don't invite me to a kid’s birthday party if I can't count for one of those kids. Sorry but those are the rules. If I ever get one of those kid things, I will let them do all the cool stuff (and I will sulk quietly to myself) but for now, I am painting a unicorn, dammit and there is not a thing you can do to stop it.

No, seriously. I painted a unicorn. You can kind of see it here.

Friday, June 10, 2011

What Have I Done?!? Reader feedback.

So I put out a request to the fb for blog topics and, miracle of all miracles, people actually responded. Not every idea was exactly a gem but who am I to say what is bad and what is good? No one, that is who. So here we go. Every topic that was suggested will get written about in some way. Also, feel free to keep suggesting topics. Facebook. Email. Whatever. Suggest away. I will write about every one. Every single one (yes, Daniel, every single one).

Running list of blog topics:

-         Rednecks
-         Dashboard pics on fb
-         City Government
-         Weiner Gate – his name is Weiner. Can I just stop there?
-         Extreme Couponers
-         Turd Burglars – The victimless crime
-         64-year-old teacher who got cornered by a student bigger than her and she punched him in the face
-         Monkeys
-         The fact that you said you would never watch the human centipede, but watched it anyways. Done! Or Check! You do a good thing you get a…Check!
-         Music/ Movies that don’t suck – Working on this one now. Check!
-         People that park like assholes.
-         People who can’t parallel park.
-         Why men wear their sweaters around their shoulders
-         People who drive slow in the left lane
-         People that fart elevators
-         Favorite songs in high school
-         Best characters on TV
-         Pets
-         Anal (anyone that would be offended by the perversity of that has stopped reading LONG ago)
-         Restaurant Reviews (I had actually planned on doing this all along, I just kind of forgot, but this is coming. I promise.)

But some topics don’t really require an entire blog post so maybe I will group them together somehow? Anal and Turd Burglars could go together, right? I don’t know. I will figure something out. I am just happy for feedback and, please, keep the feedback coming. I will honestly write about anything.  I am that desperate/ lacking motivation. Help a girl out.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

You're Welcome Theater: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Can it be “You’re Welcome Theater” if I didn’t like the movie I am talking about and I would advise everyone to not watch it?

I don’t know how many times I have mentioned on this blog that I refuse to watch The Human Centipede. Well, I finally watched it.

Just look at that for a minute...that's the whole movie. The end.

I have never seen Two Girls, One Cup but I have heard about it and that was more than enough. I have never had any desire to watch it as I would for real vomit. So I just listened to the brief, very vague description that Daniel gave it, “Yeah, don’t watch it. You will hate yourself and all of humanity. Just don’t watch it.” Then he told me what it was along with the description “Bill Cosby's chocolate pudding nightmare gone awry” and I agreed to not watch it and I have been happy with this decision.

I came to that same exact decision when dealing with The Human Centipede. I learned what it was about and what happens and I decided for myself that I did not want to watch that movie. And then I’ll be damned if I wasn’t forced to watch that movie.

Forced is a strong word, I think. It was suggested to me via Michael that since neither of us had seen it that we could watch it together. So Tuesday night we sat down, brought up Netflix instant, and we started to watch this fucking movie. For anyone that is trying to avoid any spoilers for this movie, stop reading now. I am about to spoil the shit out of some shit (literally).

Okay so this crazy, creepy madman used to be a world renowned German (of course) surgeon that used to separate Siamese twins. I guess he got so sick of separating them that he wanted to conjoin a few??? I don’t know. So he starts out with his three pet Rottweilers or, “My Sweet Three Dog” as he calls it. Yes, he did it with dogs first. I don’t know which one is worse or more fucked up that he did this to dogs or humans.

So he joins three dogs ass to mouth and then the dog(s) dies so he now he wants to try it with humans because of course he does. So he finds two dumb American bitches (because of course they are) and an Asian dude that speaks no English to be the centipede head, so to speak. And the rest of the movie is three people sewn together ass to mouth (take a second to think about that. Sewn. Ass to mouth. Let that simmer) and Crazy German Madman treating them as his pet even…feeding time. Sigh. Here is where it gets gross and where to I had to look away and plug my ears…

You see…the whole point (?) of this experiment (?) is so the feces of the first one can then feed the other people involved. Meaning, yeah, you have to swallow some shit. And the back two people, all they get is shit. The first one eats regular food then poops as people do, then the second one eats the poop and then the third one eats the ingested poop of the first via the second. This is where my entire issue with this movie lies. It’s gross and so, so fucked up.  Imagine living a day of your life with your mouth sewn to anyone’s asshole. It sounds terrible, yes? Absolute complete and utter “Seriously, you need to kill me now” misery. And if you did survive that hell, how would you even live a semi-normal life after that? You couldn’t. You would be fucked up for a long time for sure.

I would love to tell you how it ends, if I had watched it long enough. I did not. For a movie to be so fucked up that even I won’t finish it, you know it is fucked up. I checked the time left on the movie before it was turned off and we still had a good 30 minutes left. Thirty minutes that I had zero intention of ever watching.

So there you have it, I watched The Human Centipede (First Sequence) and now I hate myself. There is a sequel coming out with 12 people in the “centipede” so someone else out there can tell me how that movie went. I read the synopsis and I just…I can’t…no. Just, no…

This Week on Facebook: What kind of woman???

I get asked a lot if the people I make fun of ever read TWOF. I am going to say they don’t. If they did, they would have for sure deleted me as a friend, right? I also get asked if I feel badly about it. The answer: no. No one should be surprised at that. Is me calling someone out for being kinda dumb mean? Yes of course it is. However, all I am doing is saying what everyone else is thinking. So it is mean of me to say it or is it just as mean of you to think it? Do you see?  

Do what, now? Everytime something good happens I kicked back in the balls and fall down !!!

The only amusing intro to a YouTube video that I probably won’t watch that I have ever heard: My favorite Earl Scruggs tune absolutely dominated by a 12 yr old. If i wore panties id throw them at him. Gross. I dont want to wear panties or have anything to do with 12 yr olds. Anyways, way to pick kid.

Check-in WTF?:

Checking in at the tanning bed with: Laying out takes too long and gets too hot. About an hour later checking in atThe Pool.” It’s called skin cancer and that shit is everywhere. Maybe look into it???

STFU, Couples:

An exchange from one couple that are laying on the same couch together updating their fb with this:

Wife’s status:laying with my hunnie enjoying my sunday morning ! love u david !Husband’s three individual statuses after wife’s: Like! - love you more hunnie bunny! - Muah! Xoxo!

Oh how I hate a man that not only says “muah” but also uses “xoxo.” If you really want to kiss or hug on her as the “xoxo” denotes, you can do just that. She is sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! If she makes you laugh (when she posts statuses like that, I am going to say she doesn’t) do you put “lol” on fb as well?

Religious Fuckery:

Have an amazing wife. Gives up so much so others can have/ do more. She goes and goes, despite being tired and needing rest. Talk about a Proverbs 31 woman. Always putting others needs before her own. Works and prays for Gods perfect will to be done in every single little thing she does. Boy are we lucky! – I  had to look up Proverbs 31 for you people! This is the status that just keeps on giving. Not only is it rife with religious ridiculousness, it’s also a shout-out to his wife, which, ew. I am glad when someone really wants to show their love for their spouse but doing that via fb is the phoniest of the phony. It’s also really annoying. Also, no one cares. I know I don’t. And if you would rather not click the link, a Proverbs 31 woman is basically a strong woman who shuts the fuck up and does what she is told be it by god or her husband. And if this particular wife prays for god’s perfect will in every single little thing she does…what kind of negative effect does that have in the bedroom? Does His all encompassing guidance help her out there? How’s that working out for you? Also, your wife’s life sounds like it kind of sucks, FYI.

chillen around homestead plans with an awesome person named michael YAY lol... man its time to calm down everyone i know is married and has family or is dying.. errrrr ;( depressin shit for me but yay good for them!!! – Oh wow. Okay. I was actually given a heads up on this one because the submitter didn’t know what it meant either. Let me attempt to break it down as best I can: This person is hanging out at home with a guy. And she’s thinking about how everyone is either settling down or…dying? Is that what I take from this? Is that our only two options? Settle down or die?

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -   

I hope this month is better then last... With in one mouth I have lost two good friends , my dad has came down with stage 2 emphazima and I am not able to see MY SON cause of money but I work on cominson and I dont have any money. Talk about crappy but I still thank the lord im alive... Just pray for a better month. – Your month just got worse because you just posted this shit. And, am I wrong, or does emphazima sound like something you’d see on lolcats? It most certainly doesn’t look like the debilitating disease emphysema. And I also have an issue with the being thankful that you are alive bs. Just because I am alive and well does that mean I can never bitch about anything, ever? Because no. Yes I am alive but that doesn’t mean that things can’t suck. Are the dead really all that pissed off at the living with our pulses and working brains and such? Maybe they should just get the fuck over it.

Statuses done Right

- If you are 30 years old and still riding a bmx bike down stage rd.....Your life can be considered a success.

- After only 2 Beers I feel as bloated as a fat kid at a doughnut shop... Good, Night!

- Trail mix may be the best thing that you can legally buy in a zip lock bag.

- ok, my parents gave me a book titled "How to Make People Think You're Normal" and a fedora.... I'm confused, a fedora is not normal, yet I heart them..

- biggest turnoff phrase of all time... "I'm a cat person" ... followed by "I have Beiber fever"..

- My neurologist has dainty hands, seriously his hands are like a like a handicapped midget. I think Chris Hanson is waiting nearby to offer me cookies.

- If you're anything like me, congratulations.

- I'm not the sharpest Crayon on the Christmas tree but even I know that letting your 5 year old ride on the back of your motorcycle down the interstate without a helmet isn't the best of ideas.

- I know there’s starving people without arms and shit but let’s talk about real problems: gas pumps that don’t have the little lever to hold it so you have to stand outside your car and actually hold the pump handle the entire time. Isn’t that just the worst?

- Drunk. Need to get home. Watermelon crawl?

- MTV has a Teen Wolf TV series now? I bet Michael J. Fox is shaking in anger.