Stories I Shouldn't Tell



I don’t know if I am allowed to tell this story or not. I haven’t been given clearance but I deemed it appropriate. So I am going to tell it anyway*.

I cannot say enough good things about my nephews. They are excellent, really super cool kids and I think they get cooler every day. It is the neatest thing in the world to see. So when they actually do something horrendously, comically bad I reeeally want to share it. I just can’t help myself.

So good when they're sleeping...



Or wearing Power Rangers night vision goggles

They are great kids and, for the most part, they are very well behaved. Especially with me. I let them get away with pretty much everything to a point but they know if they fuck up, they will never get anything again from me.

Whitman (4) and Garrett (5) were playing outside a few weeks ago. It has probably been about a month now since it has happened. It was a very nice day outside, one of those awesome days that we had in February that were so desperately needed. The kids were outside playing and Christy had gone to run and Ron wasn’t home from work yet. I was watching the kids while she ran and I got ready. As soon as she got back, I had to leave to go have a drink (when I was drinking). 　

They were in the backyard and all the windows were open and sound carries well around here so I could hear them (they are also very loud) pretty well while I was getting ready. And I poked my head out a few times just to make sure they were ok. They were fine. In the backyard. Everything was good.

I had just checked on them and they were in their Jeep riding around the backyard. I thought "Okay, I can dry my hair real quick and then come to check on them again when I get done." I went back to my room and started drying my hair. It doesn’t take but about five minutes to dry my hair these days. I turned the hair dryer off and as soon as it clicked off I heard glass breaking outside my window. My window, which is on the side of the house not the backyard.

So I jumped up and looked out my open window only to see:

Garrett and Whitman, breaking beer bottles, from the recycling bin, on the drive-way. They each had a bottle in their hands, hands that were still raised above their heads. Immediately I shouted in Concerned Aunt Voice, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING?!"

Normally I do not curse around them. I have gotten much, much better. Ask anyone! But they really caught me off guard and scared the shit out of me. That was the first thing out of my mouth.

Garrett looked up at me, arm still raised, frozen in time, with an expression that said, "Fuuuuuu..."

"Put that bottle down RIGHT NOW!" I yelled out the window.

And he stood there for a second like "Okay, it’s in my hand. How pissed is she going to be if I throw this one? I really want to throw it because it sounds really cool but is it going to be worth it if I lose tv and games for a week? Hmmmm..." He thought twice and put the bottle down.

I then said, "Do not move. I will be down there in a minute." I ran downstairs in a mild panic dressed in basically a sleep camisole, hair just dried, looking like a maniac screaming at two kids breaking beer bottles on the driveway.

When I got outside, they hadn’t moved a muscle. They were both standing there bracing themselves.

Guys, I honestly didn’t know what to do. I was horrified that one of them might have somehow harmed themselves, and then I was really pissed that they did something like this on my watch, and then I was like "Well you know, it kind of makes sense..." they were bored and breaking glass is pretty cool.

I did the only thing I could think to do which is tell them to get inside, sit down on the couch and wait. So when I said that I expected them to do it and I got nothing but lip.

"What is the big deal? I didn’t hurt myself," says Garrett, incredulous.

"You could have though! Are you crazy?! You are breaking glass. Of course it is a big deal," I said and then pointed to the front door, "Get inside. Now!"

Garrett, still baffled as to why he would ever be in trouble for this says, "Fine! I will clean it up. Just calm down."

They walked inside with their heads down and sat there until Christy got home. My immediate first thought was, "Christy is going to shit..." and she did. It was quite a reaction to see.

This was probably the worst thing that they have ever done by far. I don’t know what had gotten into them and why, all of a sudden, they wanted to be beer bottle breaking bad asses. No clue. I am still a little amazed by the absurdity of it all. It is very, very unlike them in every way. They have yet to destroy anything besides a cupcake. It was nuts to say the least.

How did they get out of the backyard, you ask? Were they not locked in there? Don’t ya’ll have a gate? Yes, yes we do. And normally you would be correct. There is no way they could have unlatched the gate to get out of the backyard to the driveway. No way. So they did the next best thing.

Our fence has a gate and it’s also has where you can remove part of the fence, you know, so you can drive in your backyard. Yeah, so they actually moved the fence (somehow, I have no idea how) out of the way which is kind of tricky to get to the driveway with beer bottles in their hands to then go break on the driveway.

Not only did they go through the recycling bins for bottles but they moved fence. They planned this out. There was some strategy involved. Had to be. Methinks than when people say "Boys are crazy!" this is what they were talking about.

*Also if anyone out there is reading: If you go and like the link to this blog on fb and/ or retweet the link on Twitter (I am starting to like Twitter, I am so ashamed of myself, follow @staceygarrett) and if I can get let’s say 20 likes on fb and five retweets on Twitter (I have very few followers) by Sunday, I will post another story that I have actually been told not to tell. Ha. I am SUCH a whore. So go do that. Or not. It’s whatever.