Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Most Amazing Story Ever Told

Haters Gonna Hate
I will warn all of you now that this is a kid story. Some of you like kid stories, some of you don’t so I am letting you know now, this one is about a kid. But also let me say this, this story will amaze the shit out of you. It is nothing short of awesome. Trust me. You are going to want to read this:

I know I say a lot that they are smart kids, and they are, but Garrett is a genius. GEN. IUS. I am not saying that because he is my nephew and I adore him, I am saying this because he is the smartest kid on this planet we call Earth. 

Garrett is in kindergarten. He sits at a table with three other people. Those other people happen to be girls. So it is Garrett. Sitting at a table. With three girls.

These three girls, I can’t tell you their names because Garrett won’t tell me, they put his things up for him when he comes into class.  They do his work while they are in class together.  And at the end of the day they go and get his things for him, put them in his bag, and send him on his way. Take a second and let that simmer… 

Yeah.  Smartest kid alive.

His teacher had to move him so he would do his own work. You can laugh at this. My first immediate instinct was to be horrified and but then I quickly dissolved into hysterical laughter.

The lackadaisical feminist in me is horrified that Garrett is using Ms. Emerson’s kindergarten class as his own personal harem. Are they feeding him peeled grapes and fanning him off with palm fronds? What is going on here?

However, the aunt in me is kind of amazed.  He has somehow conned these poor children into doing his work and taking care of all of his stuff.  He has found someone to mother him while he is away from his mother. Work SMARTER not HARDER.

The kid’s a fucking genius. The next time you see him, he deserves a slow clap.

What I am pretty sure happened, and this is ALL assumptions, is that Garrett pretended to not know how to do ANYTHING so being fed up chicks, they just sighed passive aggressively and started doing it for him.

I am pretty sure the teacher has a rule that this table can’t do anything until the entire table puts up their bags and the girls are all looking at Garrett like “Look, dude, just put your shit up already so we can get a cookie, okay? …Why are you just sitting there daydreaming???...FINE GIVE IT TO ME! I will do it!”

He plays dumb so he doesn’t have to do anything ever.  I really don’t think I have been more proud, not of him but of his natural ability to be a complete asshole. That’s so awesome.


Peezy said...

Elementary pimpin'. I remember the days.

Stacey Garrett said...

Just call him Slick Back Lamar

Sherrie Bee Bop said...

If I were 5, I'd totally be his girlfriend.

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