An Open Letter to the Bitches of Bridalplasty:

Hold my bag while I punch someone in the face

Ladies, I know that most if not all of you are teetering on the edge of madness seeing as how you have as much self-esteem as a duck-billed platypus (they just seem like they have really low self-esteem, the platypus), but these are things you need to hear. I’m here to help, not harm. Tough. Love.

First of all, really? You went on television to tell the world you want to fix your butt-face before you get married? Really? Come on, now. I am assuming you are all fame-whores but this is not the way to go about it. Become an internet meme like everyone else.

I am all for you wanting to look your best. I say if there is anything that you can do to yourself to make you feel better or sexy or hot or a tranny hot mess, do it. If plastic surgery is the route you want to take, I say go for it. Whatever makes you happy, man. But you are for real fighting bitches on television so you can have plastic surgery before you get married. You are competing for nose jobs and liposuction. You do know you can get those yourself, right? It’s not something exclusive that you have to go through E! for. True story. True Hollywood story.

Do you ever hear people say, “Bitches are crazy!” yeah, they are talking about you. All of you. You are all the collective bitches they are speaking of. So, thanks for that. You are making us all look bad.

I am sure that you are all worthwhile human beings with original thoughts and feelings and personalities. So my question is why, for the love of all the Petes, why do you feel this is what you need to do to yourself? On television!

I realize that this is only partly your fault. It’s a reality show and regular ass people love to go on them, I can’t fully fault you for that. Mostly I blame E! for all of it. You just went on the show and those manical fucks dreamed up the show to begin with because they knew that bitches have low self-esteem and wow do they love their dream weddings. However, I am sure they put out a call for all engaged crazy bitches and you all came running. Sad, sad day. You didn’t have to say yes, but you did, didn’t you? You knew what you were getting yourselves into and that is why you all sort of disgust me, whether this is your fault or not.

You are all a cum stain on the sheets of feminism and you make me sad to be a woman.

Update: My sources (the 42 different blogs I read) tell me that the show got SHIT ratings, which, AWESOME. Bravo, America. Bravo. You did something wonderful here by ignoring these assholes. I can’t thank you enough. You know, I think we are going to be alright, America. Everything is going to be fine.