Every Kiss Begins with Kill Me Now

You know, now that I get to thinking about it, I do have an asshole to talk about that should have been discussed on Monday. A big one.

There are few things more annoying to me than commercials. DVR is genius because you never have to watch commercials again. Ever. You can skip over all that garbage. In this house, we don’t have DVR yet so I have been forced to watch everything live which is, in my opinion, hell. 

Out of all the annoying commercials out there, my least favorite has to be: Every kiss begins with Kay.

And now since it’s Christmas and clueless husbands don’t know what to get their wives every commercial break contains at least one of these commercials. And they are all terrible, vomit inducing, horribleness. The worst kind of cheese: sentimental jewelry cheese.

I am not a jewelry wearer. I would rather have electronics or school supplies. I would take a pencil case over a tennis bracelet all day long, I am a low key girl. That’s why I don’t understand why chicks go batshit over jewelry. It’s the most thoughtless gift ever. Give that bitch some diamonds, that’ll shut her up.

The premise of these commercials is pretty simple: He really loves you because he gave you jewelry…Really? Come on, now.

What happened was he doesn’t know you well enough to get you anything personal or special so he went to a jewelry store, shelled out the cash (you totes could have gotten an xbox for that) in exchange for whatever they had on hand, probably had it wrapped at the store, put it under the tree until Christmas morning and then handed it over. Not a thought involved. Bravo, guy. You watched a commercial. Here’s your cookie and your piece of mandatory ass.

I am not saying jewelry can’t be personal, not at all. I am sure it happens all the time. But these commercials aren’t selling personal, special jewelry, they are selling mass-produced franchise jewelry to clueless men disguising it as love and devotion and security.

Yes, security. In one of these commercials, and perhaps my least favorite, it’s raining outside (scary rain!) and it thunders or something (because, you know, thunder can kill you) and the chick gets scared (of course she does) and the guy comes up behind her and tells her not to worry that he is always here and he always will be. And how does he show that? He gives her jewelry, duhs!

I’m pretty sure Kay Jewelers is responsible for 25% of my Christmas hatred this year. Thanks, Kay! Every kiss begins with you’ve ruined my life.