Thursday, March 31, 2011

Normalcy is Overrated

*note to everyone, do NOT do a Google image search for the term "normal."

Okay. I am probably the weirdest person in my family *the entirety of my siblings (Christy, that means sister), cousins, parents, aunts, uncles, nephews (one day, guys!) are nodding their heads in agreement* I will take that because it is very true. I have always been the black sheep so to speak and everyone knows it. But that is not to say that other members of my family aren’t weird in their own right. 

When everyone gets off work what is the first thing you do? I change. Always change clothes. I have to the second I am in the door. Either that or get in the shower before all the hot water is gone. It’s like I can’t wait to get out my uncomfortable work clothes (to everyone who has seen me at work, you probably already think I dress pretty comfortably if not flat out terrible). My sister, does not.

She stays in her work clothes until after she has made dinner (every night, almost), hung out with the kids and then given them a bath. She stays in work clothes the entire time. And she does it in, get this load of malarkey, in her heels. She is an avid heel wearer and, unlike me, she can actually walk effectively in them. She keeps them on the entire time she is cooking, cleaning and wiping kids asses. In heels.

If your mind is not blown right now, I don’t know what to do with you. I have even seen her give those bastards a bath in heels. Hunched over, bathing toddlers in four inch stilettos. And I don’t think she is trying to be June Cleaver or anything. Neither one of us exactly screams “June Clever.” We may know our way around the kitchen and we can both make kick-ass sandwiches but 50’s housewives, we are not. I was confused to say the least. So I asked her, “Dude, what is with the heels?”

“I don’t like my pants to drag on the floor so I just keep my shoes on.”

Fair enough, neither of us are what anyone would call “tall” and dragging pants will always be a lifelong complaint of the very short. So I asked her why doesn’t she just change clothes as soon as she gets home, like I do and she just kind of shrugged it off like it's never really been a thought that has crossed her mind.

That's weird, right? Am I alone in thinking that that is weird? I don't know if it is because I strive to be a dirty hippie, but I can't keep shoes on inside a house. It's just not natural. But high heels? NFW (no fucking way). Am I right?

What the Fuck is a Rhombus?

Who was the 23rd President of the United States? What is the capital of Vermont? Calculate the area of this triangle. What is the name of the largest bone in the human body?

These are the kinds of questions you get on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?, a mind-numbingly ridiculous show hosted by a comedian who's biggest claim to fame is redneck jokes and being out-funnied by everyone else on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, including Larry The Cable Guy, which has to sting at least a little bit.

Fuck this show, and here's why:

Not knowing the answers to these questions doesn't mean you're dumber than little Timmy the 5th Grade Pants Pisser. Nobody in Timmy's class likes him anyway, I promise. Jeffrey the Bully sits behind him in math flicking his ear, every fuckin' day. Timmy's gonna grow up bitter about it and shoot up his school during his sophomore year, only to go down in a hail of police gunfire. Which, I suppose, is sort of a cool way to go out. But for now, there's nothing cool about Timmy. Fuck Timmy, Timmy sucks.

Sorry, I get sidetracked.

A bunch of little fuckin' Timmy's.

In school, only the first formative years (where you learn reading, writing, spelling, and basic math) are scholastically important. Hear me out here. Those basics are the things you need to know in order to not spend your entire life asking if people want fries with that. What the fuck is wrong with you? Of course I want fries with that. See how stupid you are?

Once you hit, let's say, 4th grade, they begin filling your head with shit you will NEVER use. When is the last time you had to figure out the area of a rhombus? How often do you divide fractions or use letters in your math? When's the last time you used a goddamn Bunson burner?

I'm not saying that kids should just quit school after 3rd or 4th grade. But I will say that all of the knowledge I use in my every day life, all the information that I use to get from day to day, I learned 95% of it outside of the classroom and through experience and living. Most of the "learning" you do in school (especially in high school) will never apply to your adult life.

The most important things people learn in school are structure and social skills. The book learning, the tests and shit...forget it. By all means, try not to fail. From kindergarten to your graduation, school sucks wall-to-wall. Lord knows you don't want to spend more time than necessary there, so don't prolong it by repeating years. Nobody wants to be that 20 year old senior. And read. Read read read. But read for fun. Broaden your mind, don't waste your time reading the books in your history class. Most of that is watered down bullshit anyway. The true history of this country is way more fun and bloody than they make it out to be.

Be social. Most of adult life involves wheeling and dealing, talking to people, making decisions, reading people and understanding motives while creating your own. That's not something you learn in a classroom. That's the kind of thing you learn in the hallways, during lunch, and on weekends. It's the kind of thing you pick up by experience and dealing with people.

So could I answer all of the questions on that dumb fuck show? No. But could that 5th grader negotiate thousands of dollars off a new car? Could he impress in a job interview? Does he have the self-confidence necessary to fuck a chick, get caught by his wife, and have to explain his way out of it with a straight face? No. Kids suck at lying.

But I can do all those things. Probably. I hope. Basically, I'm just saying, fuck Timmy and fuck Jeff Foxworthy.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

What Have I Done?!?

Attention grabbing title, yes?  

Let’s all play catch up on my mediocre resolutions for 2011 and let’s see how we are doing:

Get at least one haircut – Done!

Master the art of Amigurumi – So far I have made one Amigurumi body but it doesn’t have a face or anything yet but it’s a stuffed body and that is a start. I will take it.

Learn how to knit and sew – I have sewing down already. I couldn’t make a dress or anything but I could stumble my way through something easy that no one has to wear. Knitting is another story all together. I haven’t so much as picked up the needles. It’s get me down, it really does.

Watch Firefly – Nope not yet. But I will. I still have plenty of time.

Cook more – I have been cooking considerably less which needs to be remedied. Mostly what I do for dinner is I look at the leftover ingredients from the previous nights dinner and I usually use whatever is there and make it into something delicious. For example: The other night we had these really good potatoes with olives and Greek yogurt and feta cheese and I took the yogurt, cheese and olives and put it in a pita with hummus and lettuce and it was pretty damn good.  But the whole family isn’t going to eat that.  One of these days I will concoct something for everyone on a regular basis.

Continue to breathe in and out – BAM. Done!

Walk erect – I am straight-up killing it with this one, especially since I am on drinking hiatus.

So out of like eight-ish things I have done over a 3rd of them, I think that is pretty damn good and it isn’t even April yet. Winning. It’s pretty obvious. Duh.

This kid knows what I am talking about

Monday, March 28, 2011

What else did I have to tell you???

My 19th Birthday

The subject is pretty much how I start most conversations. My memory, she ain't what she used to be. Moving on...

I am starting everyone’s character descriptions* and in doing so I am going back through old emails. If you and I ever emailed about anything I probably still have it. Right now I am reading an email from May 22, 2002. Lynnfield, represent. It wasn’t even a mass email like back in the day, it was a personal one. Ridiculous.

And I have been kind of reluctant to go back and reread this stuff for obvious reasons. I have detailed accounts via email of:

The first time I ever had sex. The first time I ever got wasted at a casino. My worst hangover to date. The night before my worst hangover to date. The debacle that was my 19th birthday (a story that I honestly cannot wait to tell). Every drunk story of every friend I have ever had. Every maddening trait of every annoying co-worker that I have ever worked with (not you guys, you guys are cool). Every trip I have ever taken. Every funny/ ridiculous/ sad/ upsetting/ abnormal/ thing I have ever done or been witness to has been documented for about the last ten years (not hyperbole).  

Anyway here is a very small excerpt that I found that had me ROFLMAO as all the cool kids say. I am still kind of laughing about it. This was a reply (what would be known of today as a “comment” that no one ever leaves, I always reply back!) to me from emails I sent out.

“I didn’t know people called you Medusa. It’s like a synonym for evil bitch.”

So there you go. I chuckled. That may or may not give you an idea what is coming? I doubt it.

Some of it is hard to read to say the least. I honestly have a hard time remembering that girl and but I will tell you one thing, that bitch was fucking hilarious! But anyway, I knew one day I would need them and I need them now so hurray for me for hoarding the bullshit I spew in paper form in 5" binders that I stole from my previous employer (in my defense, none of them were new).

Oh and I am about a month sober! Excuse me while I pat myself on the back. I am doing pretty well. It isn’t all that difficult just yet. I could still chug a beer easily and I would have a bottle of wine down in about 45 minutes but I am doing okay, if anyone was wondering.

I think that is all I have for now. Oh I did not lose 10 lbs by the time I got my hair done. But I did lose like six and I will take it. You will hear no complaints from me.

If anyone would like to sign up to have each blog emailed directly, email here.

*I am doing character descriptions of a good number of people as a writing exercise. If you can describe in detail the people that you know, you can probably describe a character so yeah. This is my first honest foray in moving forward with writing fiction so yay me. I wasn’t going to mention it on the blog but I have had an overwhelmingly positive response from most people about it and they were happy to let me blog about it so, so yeah. They are going to take a while. Don’t get your hopes up any time soon. But I want to say now that I really appreciate everyone being a good sport about this. You guys are cool in my book.

Asshole Monday: A plethora of assholes

I guess I should call Daniel out for being an asshole on this Monday since he is at home sick when he was supposed to take over today with a rant about something or another. But, no. I am left to bear the brunt alone. Asshole.

So instead of the normal full post about one asshole, I have a list of a bunch of different ones.

I had a few submissions:

Big fat bitches who wear too-tight, stretchy pants that allow me to see not only their numerous ass craters, but their camel toe as well – Submitted by Sherrie

Also people at my job who think I am their personal slave. Or, for the purposes of your blog, people on power trips. Here’s an example:

Co-worker: Sherrie, can you put some toilet paper in the bathroom?
Me: Oh, there’s none the in cabinet? I just filled it up the other day…
Co-worker: I don’t know. There’s none on the roll though.
Me: … plethora

So basically, he wants me to go into the bathroom that he just emptied his bowels in, get nose-raped by his ass stench, just to put a goddamn roll of toilet paper because he is too fucking lazy to reach under the cabinet and grab a new roll out himself? – Also submitted by Sherrie (duh)

People that suck at shared fridge space. I’m talking about the assholes that leave food in the fridge for years to go stale and moldy, take up too much space, or throw away fresh food for more of their old forgotten shit they will never come back to eat. And they don’t clean the microwave. – Submitted by Chris B.

Comcast, AT&T. – Submitted by Stovall

The rest are gripes of my own:

Man jewelry, i.e. shell necklaces, hemp, gold chains, crosses, etc. There are very few things that I can’t stand more than a man wearing jewelry that isn’t a watch or a wedding ring. Everything else can go.

Christmas lights and the need and want for people to drive through parks that cram themselves full of Christmas lights for people to drive through and listen to Christmas music while driving through looking at Christmas lights.

Forced company togetherness. Seriously. Don’t make me do things at the company I am working for. You only pay me to be here eight hours a day and do an actual job. Anything else is unnecessary.

Being told what to do, I just want to do the opposite

Tangled yarn. I realize I stand alone on this one but it really grinds my gears.

The term, “Hey Girl!” spoken by another chick without sarcasm.

Having to explain why what I said was funny. I am a funny girl and I can’t help it that you are stupid.

Deviled Eggs. They stink. They are gross. And the texture is beyond disgusting and it makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. If I wanted something mushy and smelly, I would chew on a dirty sponge.

True Blood. I know given my love of all things supernatural and vampiric, I should love this show. I do not.

Unintentional cold showers. For some reason in this house the hot water is a complete cockstain and it hates staying hot for longer than five minutes so I am usually left taking a cold shower for much longer than I would care to.

This computer. It’s the slowest piece of shit ever.

When people know better and they still spell my name “Stacy.” Especially on email or facebook. You can see my name right in front of you with it spelled correctly. Can you not read? Are you retarded? You’re retarded, aren’t you?

Thank you to everyone that gave me something. You are guys are my shining stars!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

He'll be Crushing Ass in No Time

Garrett is about to lose his first baby tooth and I am about to lose my mind. I realize it is very, very silly to get overly emotional on something that:

A. Isn't even happening to my kid (I don't have any of those)
2. Is something trivial that happens to everyone
III. Is just a tooth.

They just grow up so fast! I remember when he was shitting in his pants and crying his face off when I held  him for the first time. Now he can reach things that I purposely put out of reach, like my toothbrush which he refuses to stop using. I remember sucking boogers out of his nose with one of those blue suction thingys and now he is picking his own nose and wiping his boogers on me. True story.

Let's all go take a look back at Garrett when he was a very little baby with no teeth to lose. I know that I am only remembering him fondly because he was a wee baby and he was so snuggly but he really was a horrible baby. He never slept and everything pissed him off. I am glad that he can now speak and hang out with me and wipe his own ass (well, we are working on it). But, still, it doesn't feel like he should be almost six and needs to grow about another foot to be as tall as me. Sigh. Anyway, look at this cute baby:

He was the best baby snuggler ever but I assure you seconds after this picture was taken, he was a wailing, inconsolable dickhead.

The majority of his baby pictures when he was a newborn are of him sleeping because if you were to take a picture of him awake, he would surely be crying.

His first Halloween. This was his "hanging out" costume. He had two costume changes. His other outfit he was an octopus. Guess how much he loved that one.

His first trip to the zoo in a stupid outfit.

His first puppy kisses in the same stupid outfit.

His first time in a pool in a redneck hat.

His first birthday and his very first "excited face" after seeing the awesome wonder of helium balloons for the first time.

His second Halloween with his second least-favorite costume.

His first foray into an inappropriate ball humor.

His first time dressed like a girl.

The first time he realized how infinitely cool a box can be.

His first time finger painting which, to him, mean painting his actual fingers. And yes that is his first Hello Kitty tattoo on his left arm.

And lastly, and perhaps most importantly, who can forget his first Red Vine? I know I can't.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Keepers: You are all welcome

It’s Friday! Here is your linkage (and thank you to everyone who sent me stuff, you guys are doing it right! I don’t know what it is, but rest assured that you are doing it correctly):

Are those, like, really small bags of heroin or does she just have a really huge vagina? It’s intriguing to say the least. Thanks, Daniel! 

Where are those famous album cover babies now? If anyone out there was wondering, now you know

On last week’s episode of Parks and Recreation we all met Lil Sebastian and now I want his shirt

I always wondered who the hell that kid was. 

Apparently I love baby videos

But you know what I love more than baby videos? Baby elephant videos

I just don’t even know what is going on in this picture and I don’t think you will either. It can’t be real, right???  

Possibility that Stephen King will write an episode of The Walking Dead, that pretty much made my day.   

I always knew Dave Grohl was cool. Go ahead and add him to the list of awesome people that hate Glee.   

Pac Man is pretty cool, I will give you that. And so are these super cute tank dresses.   

I want to have these. It combines my two favorite things: Office Supplies and Food. 

It’s a dismembered doll coat-rack. I like it. Thanks, Sherrie! 

Yeah so this is a zombie quilt. If anyone out there tells you that crafts aren’t insanely cool, they are not only wrong but they are dickheads. 

How cute is this?  Pretty damned cute is the correct answer.

Nutella bran muffins, they look as delicious as they sound.  

Posts from this week:

If anyone has anything they see during their week that is cool or noteworthy, send it here. You guys are the BEST!

This week on Facebook

People! Post more pet pictures. Look at that sweet face!

It was a slow week on the FB this week but I tried my hardest to bring you the most ridiculous/ funny/ winning I could find.

Probably the most exciting thing on Facebook this week (well, to me and a select few other people) was Carol had a baby! It was minute to minute updates on when he was going to get here. We were very excited for our dear friend, Carol. We love you Carlo (that was supposed to be Carlo)! Congrats, you guys! Now let’s work on getting a lot of baby pictures up. Please and thank you.

Ok now onto the fuckery:

It was a beautiful day outside on Wednesday as noticed by everyone. And today, if no one was aware, was colder than normal. Someone even had to bring their veggie sprouts inside. Riveting.

I now cannot unknow what a “blue waffle” is. DO NOT GOOGLE IT AT WORK. Actually, no, don’t google it at all. I hate you, Sherrie. We are no longer speaking.

Lots and lots of people continued to “work-out” and lots and lots of people continue to not give a fuck.

There is a shrimp burrito at taco bell now and this could not make me want to vomit any more. If the beef is only 30% beef, what do you think the shrimp is made out of? Sea monkeys? Probably sea monkeys.

For the love of all the Petes, please stop making your profile pictures a kissing picture unless it is an adorable photo of you kissing a baby or something. But you kissing your significant other: Stop it. You’re goobin me out.

You might believe in ammunition, but I believe you are a severe douche-nozzle moron.

On my post of last weeks’ Keepers, I got a pretty great comment from sometimes-guest blogger, Chris Davis in response to the bully video that was posted: That is exactly what I will instruct my son to do: "Son, if you are getting punched in the face by some punk, hurt him. Bad. A body slam into the concrete is perfectly acceptable. Then calmly walk away like a badass. We will give you money when you get home." 

Facebook statuses done right:

I installed a stripper pole in my apartment, and all I figured out is I look awesome wearing a man thong and glitter.

Afghanistan. Iraq. Now Libya. If we can get 7 more wars on our punch card, do we get a free sandwich or something?

That was at least 14-too many Oreos. Irrelevant

The house 6 houses down from me got busted having a meth lab in it.

I would like to offer a sincere fuck you to everyone who played a hand in me having to be at work at 7:30 today.

Just got a glimpse of my I'm-about-to-sneeze face in the mirror. Whoa.

I ask fat girls "when are you due?'' to make them self-conscious to lose weight. Helping people is my favorite thing.

Is so cool she listens to bands that don't even exist yet.

You get AIDS from dead hookers right?!?! That's what my elementary school teacher taught me and that fish sandwiches are the most erotic food ever!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Past Everyone's Bedtime

Okay so Christy has to make 200 cupcakes for something or another tomorrow. Pretty sure she told me what and pretty sure I don't remember.

"200 cupcakes," you're thinking to yourself, "but that is insane." Insane, yes but doable. I am not exactly sure how she does it but I will be upstairs in my room and come down to the kitchen what seems like minutes later and it's like cupcakes or a cake or whatever has appeared out of thin air. She's super fast. 

There are probably cupcakes every time you turn your damn head. Cupcakes like a mug.

Small portion of the finished product

She makes her own icing and it's pretty amazing. I don't exactly want to know what is in it because I am pretty sure it would make me vomit but I look past all that.

So good.

Then she takes the delcious homemade icing and puts in a fancy pastry bag holder or, in layman's terms, a Booya's cup. 

She goes pretty fast until one thing inevitable just fucks her all up. Something that could throw a chink in any plan. Without fail it happens every damn time.

The kid eats cupcakes like a maniac. And every five minutes he gives you these really sad toddler eyes and asks, "Cupcake???" And you have to tell him "They aren't ready yet." So you give him the next best thing: The spoon.

I am pretty sure that Whitman is going to be like his aunt and his mother and love sugar. He has to have a dessert after every meal and when he chooses a snack it's usually either cheese or sugar.

I was an avid spoon batter eater in my day (earlier today) so I know the draw. It's a guilty pleasure very few can resist and I don't even try.

Once it hits your lips it's so good...

Is something on my face?

Since Christy had 200 cupcakes to make I did whatever I could to help out and chose to put the kids to bed. Let me tell you now, I suck at this. They always want to stay up a little later and I always give in. If they are good, they get to stay awake, if they start acting like dickheads, they have to go to bed. So I let them stay up until 10:00 and watch a movie with me.

We have the agreement that if they are good when I put them to bed, I will start putting them to bed more and more which basically means, they can do whatever they want and usually end up eating popcorn and/ or candy and watching a movie. They like this so they usually behave.

Whitman's "Stacey is putting us to bed" dance

Juice Boxes and Gummy Worms

This is what I get when I ask for a smile

Whitman still uses his baby blanket I made him. It's pretty cool.

Stella doesn't know what the hell to do

Just chillin
As of right now it is 11:05 and they still aren't asleep. But they are quiet and laying down and that is a win in my book. I will take it!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Ask a Nerd: WTF is Pokemon?

Do you ever see things on the internet and you are overwhelmed with confusion and WTFness? Oftentimes I have to ask my dear friend Daniel what it all means. He is usually up to date on all things “internet” so I need him to explain it to me. I just learned what NSFW means not all that long ago. So I struggle a small bit when it comes to technology and the latest internet craze (don’t even get me started on memes).

I know a few things about lots of stuff and we all know how much I hate research so I just like to ask someone. Preferably someone that knows what the hell they are talking about. So I usually ask a nerd.

Enter Chris Bryant. He is one of my new work friends (read: only, and, yay! I have someone to go to lunch with!) and he is a nerd. No offense to nerds. I am one and I love nerds. I try and surround myself with nerds. Nerds unite! So let’s all welcome Chris (there are a lot of Chris’ around here, please try and keep up) to the blog. He’s a cool dude and not only has he been very patient with my dumbass but he also learning nerd culture more fun.

Anyway, on to my questions:

So Chris, what qualifies you as a nerd to answer my “Ask a Nerd” questions?

I’ve been playing games since I got an NES in ’88. When I was young and still full of hope, I planned on going to DigiPen and getting a job with Nintendo.  For a few years, I ran a website called Focal Point Forums/l33tn1nj4/Delightful Strawberry that focused on game discussion. My gamerscore is over 62,000 (nerds will know what I’m talking about). I caught swine flu and pneumonia after attending PAX ’09, the epitome of nerdy game conventions. I almost died because of videogames!

Nowadays, I read the hell out of some technology and game blogs and listen to nerdy podcasts, like The Geekbox and Giant Bomb. I also tend to be “that guy” when it comes to fixing family and friends’ computers and all things technical.

I don’t know what a lot of those words mean…moving on. In my daily blog reading, I have found all kinds of ridiculous Pokemon references. What is with this new Pokemon craze? Did that make a comeback? Was it not for kids back in the day to collect cards or something and it seems like it is in full force now with actual adults? What the duck is that about? Can you explain?

The first Pokemon game was released in 1995 Japan and proved to be a hit and was later released in the US in 1998 and blew up in popularity. There were trading cards, Gameboy games, movies and a kid’s cartoon show to keep them hooked. I managed to avoid this plague as a kid and only viewed this phenomenon from a safe distance and never fell prey to Pokemon’s evil mind control. This is where we get the idiom “Gotta Catch ‘Em All!” from. Every few years Nintendo releases new games in the franchise to keep the 30 year old virgins coming back that have been playing since high school, while at the same time introducing a new generation of drooling toddlers to Pokemon that have no idea it was popular before their dad forgot to wrap up that fateful night.

Pokeman Black & White were just released this month and broke all previous sales records for the entire franchise by selling over 1 million units in less than 24 hours. If anything, Pokemon is stronger than ever and will continue to addict millions of nerds the globe over for the foreseeable future.

Oh so Pokemon is a video game? What does it do? Do you unlock new characters or some such nonsense? I am so intrigued.

The goal of pokemon is to collect all the pokemon monster/animal thingies and train them to fight for you so you can be the ultimate pokemon master, or some shit like that. They get the kids to buy all the card packs trying in vain to collect them all. In each videogame there are probably 150 pokemon and they come out with two versions at once (black & white, green & blue) and each version has specific pokemons you can’t get unless you own both. Instant money making machine.

This guy is a good example of what happens to child fans of pokemon that don’t drop the habit - 

I see…sort of. It all seems kind of dumb, right?

Pokemon is dumb (to me). Millions of others love the shit out of it. I myself would never play it, or WoW, or Farmville. To each their own. I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve never been addicted to one specific thing, though.

What one thing have you been addicted to? Come on, now. You know you are going to have to explain that.  

I was addicted to Phantasy Star Online for Dreamcast. It was an online RPG and you played with 3 other people in your party. PSO was one of the first online RPGs for consoles, so it was all new to me. I put around 1,000 hours into it across two summers in 2000-2001. This was before everyone had broadband, so I was constantly tying up the phone lines in the house to use to dial-up. We had two phone lines in the house (one was for my mom’s work) and my friends would come over and use the second line in the living room with me in my game room and we would play all weekend. I can’t say that a 24 hour session of PSO fueled by Mountain Dew didn’t happen a few times. I’m pretty sure I set a new personal sleep record that summer when I missed an entire calendar day after I woke up after staying awake for 48+ hours. When you’re a kid with an entire summer to dedicate to an MMO, it’s fine if you want to do that. As an adult, they are a black hole that will suck you up and spit out a lonely, broken shell of a person. I’ve seen it happen.

More recently, since Call of Duty Modern Warfare came out in 2007, they’ve released a sequel every year in November. For 2-3 months a year, it’s the only game I play until I’m burnt out on it. I’ve been COD sober for 6 weeks now.

What is an MMO? Come on, Chris. I am nerd-retarded here. You have to break it down.

MMO- Massively Multiplayer Online
RPG – Role Playing Game

Can you please describe to me the most pathetic nerd you ever did see?

Load this up on your iphone or at home, I wouldn’t look at work. That kid is obsessed with Sonic the hedgehog.

Thanks for your time, man! Preesh! Chris will be back on the next installment of “Ask a Nerd” when he explains to me, “Just what the fuck is World of Warcraft???”

Asshole Monday: Gas

I was without an Asshole on this fine Monday and then I pulled into a gas station. Done.

Gas is killing me, you guys. I die a little inside every time I have to get gas. It is something I dread more than going to the dentist. More than showering. More than washing dishes. It hurts my heart. Gas can pretty much eat all the dicks.

Remember when gas was less than a dollar? Those were the days! Remember when you could put $5.00 of gas in your car and that actually got you quite a bit of gas? I filled up this morning (which is a good thing because I surely would have run out of gas on the hell that was 385) and it came to $43.27. Not cool, man. Not cool at all.

I can go a week usually without getting gas if I don’t go anywhere but work. Wow that sounds sad but you are all forgetting I have no life and I don’t have a problem with this.

What really sucks about gas is that there is nothing anyone can do about it. We can all bitch and complain and stage “no gas days” but really all we have to do is bend over and take it up the ass because, sadly, gas is a necessity. Dammit.

At what point do you start turning tricks for gas money? I think I am nearing that point.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Good Without God

Today marks the beginning of A-Week. What is A-Week you ask? It’s when atheists come out of the closet, so to speak, and tell everyone that they are an atheist. I am here to tell everyone and come out of the closet (even though no one that reads this should be in the least bit surprised) that I am an atheist (somewhere, my mother is crying).

I have been an atheist, I am pretty sure, since I was 11 and I asked my Sunday School teacher about dinosaurs and I was told that dinosaurs weren’t real. That seemed preposterous to me at the time seeing as how it is pretty much fact that dinosaurs did exist and it has been proven many, many times. From then on I was skeptical to say the least. When I finally got to college and started learning about other cultures and such, I finally gave up on trying to make sense of Christianity. It wasn’t for me and I quietly slinked away from my Baptist upbringing never to tell anyone that I was no longer a believer.

I still go to church once a year on Easter. It is something my mom asks of me and I love my mother dearly and if she wants me to spend a little over an hour sitting quietly while listening to someone preach words I don’t believe in, I am happy to oblige. It is the least I can do.

But I am not here to talk about the why. I won’t preach to you on how we should all be atheists nor am I here to look down on those of you that do believe. Your beliefs are yours and I would be a pretty shitty human being if I tried to take them from anyone nor do I think I am going to change anyone’s mind nor do I intend to.
Anyone out there reading this may or may not read what I write every day. You laugh at the absurdity that I spew and you rage right along with me when I get a little pissy. I hope that me coming out and telling you, publicly, that I don’t believe in god doesn’t change your opinion of me and doesn’t keep you from coming back. That was not my intention.

The theme of A-week is "Good Without God." Atheists are looked upon to be unfeeling, amoral dickheads who sleep in coffins, eat live doves and bathe in the placenta of aborted fetuses. I assure you I have never done any of those things and I have moral thoughts, feelings and reactions just like everyone else. I can get a little testy at times but I do feel like I am a good person and I try my best to be:

I love my nephews to the point of the absurdity. I would never kick a dog or cat or any animal for that matter. I place all litter in it’s proper receptacle. I recycle. I compost (or I did when I had my own home, I am working on the Prewitts). I use my own bags at the grocery store. I always obey the speed limit in school zones. I refuse to spank children. I love babies and puppies. I have stopped eating animals of any kind. I never take the last cookie. I have never stuck my gum under any tabletop. I always say thank you when someone lets me over in traffic. I don’t cut in line. I put my cart back when I am finished shopping. I am not racist, sexist, homophobic or bigoted. I am, by every definition I could think of, a good person.

I do all of these things, easily, without god. Of all the atheists that I know, not a one of them can be considered a bad person (Tommy, if you are reading this, you are probably one of the best people that I know) or amoral in any way and I think it is extremely unfair that we get painted in such a terrible light.

I seriously doubt that one blog post has changed your view of atheists and I didn’t expect it to, however maybe it has made someone, anyone out there a little more open-minded about non-believers. For the most part, we are good people who don’t deserve to be judged as harshly as we have been.

Now with all this being said...please still read my blog. It's what Jesus would do (Oh come on! That was funny!)

Friday, March 18, 2011

Keepers: Bullies, Babies and a Douchebag

This week: largely better than the last and for that, I am thankful. No cooking links today, you’re welcome.

Sometimes you just need to know that your child is a fucking twat.

A bully gets pwned  (I am told by my nerd friends, that means “owned”). Thank you Daniel!

This was sent to me with the title “The first good thing Comcast has done ever” and I would have to agree. Both Community and Parks and Recreation got renewed for another season. I am pumped to say the least. Thank you, Daniel! 

Melissa Beck, formerly Princess Melissa, now has a blog on tumblr and it is a lot of fun. Plus, she has just the cutest little girl I have ever seen. AND she loves Hello Kitty! She posted this this week and I could relate (sort of) so I thought I would share. Go to her blog, show her some love. She is awesome. 

Have you smiled today? You are about to

Hi. I am moving to Portland. If anyone would like to go with me, please let me know so you can pay for me. Thankyouverymuch. 

This is from 2008 but I assure you it is still glorious in 2011. 

Booo…but it is kind of true. The movies you watched back in the day did contain a lot of douchebags. 

Posts you might have missed this week:

And remember everyone, go like this post on fb or retweet it on twitter and if I get 20 likes on Facebook and 5 retweets, I will tell a story someone does NOT want me to tell. If this does not happen, you will get no surprise from me whatsoever.

This week on Facebook

FB done right. With the caption:
Happy St. Patty's Day
Some people post weird/ retarded/ hilarious shit on Facebook. I am all for it. I personally think that the FB should be used for nothing besides: Self Promotion. Random Dumbassery. And pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. 

I posted about taking a nap in my car the other day. Someone speak up if you care about that. *crickets* *tumbleweeds* *dead silence* See? That is what I am saying. Unless you are very funny, irreverent or insanely vulgar, I really don’t care what you have to say on Facebook. But a lot of you fuckers make me laugh and/or think to myself, “Really, dude?”

So that is what “This week on Facebook” will be. Looking through my News Feed throughout the week and picking and choosing things that are either: ridiculous, funny, horrible, vulgar, stupid, pointless, misspelled, basically anything that amuses or frustrates me.

I will not post names or screen grabs but if you happen to find yourself ruthlessly made fun of…sorry? It’s all out of love, I assure you. And, remember, if I do post something that you have posted, it just means I haven’t hidden you from my news feed. Consider yourself cool.

Here we go. Hold on to your butts:

- A fire alarm went off at 6:15 in the morning. Eight flights of stairs were then descended upon. Seeing as how this person was on spring break and on vacation where she drank a lot, I have zero sympathy.

- Both The National Center for Science Education and Evolution as a whole has a Facebook page. Who knew?

- People suck? Oh yes, I see. More bitching and moaning on Facebook; the new therapist for whiners.

- Why is the Grey’s Anatomy musical happening? Also, why is that show still on the air? And, why has Ellen Pompeo not been hate-punched by me yet?

- Found a new recipe: I mixed vanilla @ 1/4 gallon of vanilla ice cream with 1/2 crunchy peanut butter and spread that in one of those chocolate graham cracker shells and then heated a little hot fudge and poured on top, froze for 2 hours and served. Yummy, quick dessert!

- Way too many posts concerning The Bachelor. Why is this show still a thing and why the fuck does anyone care? Everyone knows that the couple that emerges from that show won’t last, right?  

- I will happily take a Bachelor post over incessant American Idol posts, however. There is one thing about America I don’t understand: it’s obsession with American Idol. Will this shit never die?

- Speaking of American Idol: Steven Tyler is not hot despite what many statuses may say.

- People still eat at Picadilly? What? Why? How is someone young enough to be on fb still old enough to go to Picadilly?

- I am so glad that I stay informed on when so many different people get gas. So exciting. Almost as exciting as when people check in at home. I love it.

- Crimanal Justice is apparently a naw collage majer.

- It rained outside on Monday in case anyone was wondering and their home/ workplace/ car/ igloo/ blanket fort doesn’t have windows, you now have everyone on Facebook telling you when it rains, how much and where.

- It was St. Patricks Day on Thursday. Who knew? Every single person on Facebook. That is who.

- This stinkin video was posted and I should have never, ever watched it. It’s a dog whose doggie-friend got hurt in the earthquake so he stayed behind to make sure his friend was okay. Upon further research (I won’t research a lot of things, but I will research to make sure a dog is ok) both dogs have since been rescued and they are now both ok. But, for real, don’t watch if it you don’t want to bawl your stupid eyes out.

- I now know that a grilled mac and cheese pulled pork sandwich is a real thing that exists in this world. I now cannot unknow that.

- White peach Sangria, bring it bitches. I would drink the shit out of that.

- This week marked the return of my least favorite status time of the year; March Madness:

            - GD clutch threes at the last second....FML :(
- Jesus Louisville. You are terrible.
- It will totally screw up my brackets if they lose but I really hope Calipair gets smoked. Go Princeton.
-Richmond's mascot is a spider. Gross.

And finally, here is where I give a shout out to Facebook statuses done right, there should be more and I promise to pay closer attention next week:

- Just met Richard Simmons in the Detroit airport. I'm going to go work out now! (and in the comments…) He said to this man, “I'd like to take my picture with this lady. She just got out of jail and is starting a new life! Don't shoplift girls or you'll get six years!”

- omg my bracket!!!!!!!!! jk wtf do i care? #marchmadness

- I wish there were more people in the world that got my Airborne references.

- Sitting on the porch, playing battleship with my wife and enjoying the beautiful weather.

- Nate Dogg will no longer be hey-aay-aay-aaaaaay...................................... smoking weed every day.

- First Nate Dogg and now the guy who played Alfred in the 90's Batman movies? This week can go to hell.