Friday, February 11, 2011

Rage Blackout: Better things to do in two hours than drive in snow

Good day, my little assholes. I am returning from a snow day that was spent with two buck wild ass kids and finishing an afghan (pictures coming soon, if anyone cares) and by nightfall the streets were driveable enough for me to venture out and get vodka, PRIORITIES!

There were something close to 300 wrecks yesterday from people driving on the ice to get wherever and I was not about to be one of them so I stayed my ass home along with everyone else in Memphis.

It took me and everyone else in the Mid-south billions of light years to make it home in the snow on Wednesday and I am pretty sure I effectively cursed out everyone on the road.

The roads were fine when I first left work but the TWO HOURS it took for me to get home, the more it snowed. And the more it snowed, the colder it got and the more it froze creating ice which is, obviously, much worse to drive on. Duh.

So if every fucktard in Memphis would have just driven more than 15 mph (this is not hyperbole, they were all seriously driving this slowly) everyone would have beaten the ice and the majority of the snow and we all would have made it home safely and in an reasonable amount of time. But no.

Snow in the south momentarily kills rational thought and much-needed brain cells in half the population so no one but me, my mom, my sister and half my sympathizing Facebook friends* were intelligent enough to carry out my same train of thought but it really didn’t matter thanks to the thousands of dumbasses on the road. I was tense and screaming the majority of the way home. Yes, screaming solves nothing and no one could hear me, but it made me feel better.

Anyway, it took me two hours when it normally only takes 40 minutes max to get home. I live pretty far out there but on no planet, time zone or space time continuum should  it take me that long to get home. Do you know what else I could have been doing in the two hours (120 minutes) it took me to get home? I could have (no one should be surprised that most of these are food related):

Watched 5 ½ episodes of Community (without commercials)

Watched 2 ½ episodes of Intervention (without commercials)

Drank no less than 3 beers

Crocheted a scarf

Crocheted two hats

Gotten a good sized tattoo

Gotten my hair cut, colored, dryed and styled

Made a loaf of bread using rapid rise yeast

Driven to Little Rock

Washed and dried a load of laundry

Mixed, baked, iced and eaten a batch of cupcakes

Played two games of Tetris (I am really good at Tetris)

Dehydrated fruit

Read several chapters of a book

Written several chapters of a book

Read a children’s book eight times

Had a minor out-patient procedure (submitted by D.P.)

Completed a semi-difficult crossword puzzle and then taken a nap

Bled to death
Watched The Human Centipede and then had my brain washed to forget I had just watched The Human Centipede

Painted a small room

Made and eaten homemade ice cream

Taught a small child how to eat with a fork

Driven to Memphis Pizza Café, ordered, eaten an entire pizza, stayed for another beer, paid my bill, driven home and watched Parks and Recreation.

Driven to Carnival Food, eaten five funnel cakes, thrown them up, bought a candy apple for the road and driven home.

Made a mental list of things that can be done in two hours.

I could have done all of these things and countless others, but instead I was stuck in the Element cursing out strangers to drive just a little faster before I lost my mind completely.

When I finally made it home my sister was already there and drinking a beer which impressed me to say the least. She suggested I do the same and I happily obliged.

Feel free to share your rage over the driving conditions you experienced on Wednesday or if you were brave enough to leave the house on Thursday morning. I’d love to hear them. Or, what can YOU do in two hours???

*Not really sure what people did while stuck in traffic before smart phones. Yes, it was dangerous to update my fb status while driving in snow and comment on everyone else’s status but when you aren’t moving and basically parked on the interstate along with the dumbest people alive, it really doesn’t matter.


Snoballz said...

I averaged 8mph on the 1:28 drive home Wednesday.
Thursday was the first "snow day" I've taken off since Jr High.

D.P. said...

Just remember, you're not THAT good at Tetris.

And it took me an hour and a half to get home. Usually a 25 minute drive.

IGotPaid said...

The Human Centipede is an achievement in film making. If you cannot bear to watch it, you must instead watch Tosh retell it -

It took me 4 1/2 hours to go 16 miles. That better be the last fucking time it snows this year.

Stacey Garrett said...

Shut up, Daniel! As I have said I was off my game that day, I could still kill you in Tetris, take that as a rematch if you must.

Oh, I have seen the Tosh.o spoiler alert. I would watch Daniel Tosh spoil anything. Mmmm...deep-v's

Holly said...

I was talking to Brett on the way home from work in the snow on Wednesday. It took me 45 minutes to get from my office to germantown parkway, which is about a fourth of a mile. I was on pace for a 5 hour drive home. Luckily, once I got off of the hell on earth that was Germantown Parkway, I was able to maintain a normal speed and it only took me 2 1/2 hours to get home. When I was sitting in the first 45 minutes, though, I made the comment to Brett that I could drive to KNoxville faster than I was going to be able to get home. I almost vomited when I put it in that perspective. Driving in snow is for the birds. I do love a snow day at home, though.

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