Asshole Monday: Meat Eaters

Don’t like it when I use obscene amounts of profanity? You may want to skip today. You’ve been warned.

I am not in the best of moods today as it’s Monday, it’s raining and I have a headache the size of…something really big. I don’t know. But me being in a slightly pissy mood can only help out this long standing blog tradition of Asshole Monday.

Look. I don’t give a fucking fuck about people that eat meat. You can eat meat all day long and up a dog’s ass for all I care. Knock yourself out. What you do with yourself is your business. I don’t judge people for eating meat and I don’t look down on people for eating meat. I am not one of those vegetarians. The angry kind that hates everyone. That is not me. Free to eat you and me, I say. And I don’t give anyone grief about eating meat, ever. But oh the colossal amounts of shit I get for not eating meat.

I find myself slowly becoming more militant about my vegetarianism. You know why? Because of meat eaters.

There has got to be something in the blood of a cow or in the veins of a chicken that makes some (not all, don’t leave me your meat-eating comment fuckery anywhere about how you are different) meat-eaters the dumbest, most condescending fuckholes on the planet.

I am pretty sure it has a lot to do with being in the south. I would have to say that vegetarians are few and far between down here, and that is all well and good. But those of us that are down here are sick of your shit. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on that you would more than likely eat if it came down to it.

I don’t know why meat eaters find the subject of vegetarianism so laughable but it’s like the joke is brand new to them every day. “Let’s offer the vegetarian some meat, that will be funny.” No, no it is not. It’s asinine and stupid and it makes you look like a dickhead of the utmost degree. Here is an example:

Of the few people that I work with that I see every day and talk to every day, there is one, only one, that gives me constant, daily shit about meat. Everyone else, super understanding and supportive. Couldn’t ask for better. But this one dude…

Today, he asked if KFC still had the Double Down. Yes, the super gross sandwich that forgoes the bun, because bread is bad for you, and replaces the bun with chicken breasts. Basically, This is Why You’re Fat. And I knew what was coming:

“Stacey, you want me to pick you up one? Heh heh.”

“No thanks, I am good on that.”

“We can split it and that way it won’t be that much chicken.”

“Any amount of chicken is too much chicken. We have been through this one thousand times. Chicken is still meat.”

”Heh, but I won’t tell anybody!”

It’s almost like they think that if no one knows about it, I would still eat meat. Like I sit alone in a dark room and suck the meat off chicken wings and then I wash them down with my protein-deprived tears. It’s ridiculous and condescending.

If I was Jewish would you poke fun at me for not eating non-kosher foods? I am going to say no. If I was allergic to a certain kind of animal flesh, would you jokingly offer to buy it for me for lunch? No, you wouldn’t. If I was Indian and didn’t believe in the eating of animals, would you still say “Oh, it’s just a little chicken, it won’t hurt anyone.” Pretty sure no.

And you know why you wouldn’t do any of these things? Because it makes you a shitty asshole. That’s why.

My reasons for not eating meat are respectable and warranted. I know what I am talking about when I explain myself and it is a life that I have chosen for myself. So take your KFC double-down and go double down on these nuts, because I have had more than enough of this bullshit.

And let me say this on behalf of every vegetarian/ vegan on this here planet we live on: It’s not us, it’s YOU. You are the reason we go on the defensive whenever the subject of food is brought up. You are the reason you roll your own eyes when I say I don’t eat meat. You are the reason that vegetarians get such a bad rap. YOU. Not me.You.