Monday, February 7, 2011

Asshole Monday: SNOW

It's true.

Weather patterns can be assholes, don’t tell me they can’t. If you disagree, get your own blog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s pretty. You can make people from it. Whatever. Snow sucks. And I have officially had enough as has everyone else down here and I am also going to say everyone else in the country. Enough is enough.

Fuck that noise

I know that there are people in northern states that are getting snow dumped on them in massive, crippling quantities so my room to really complain about this is very small if not completely non-existent. They have to physically shovel snow out of the way to get anywhere or even function regularly and I can’t even imagine how badly that would suck. You can kind of just kick snow out of the way down here when it actually chooses to stick. And I am grateful for that. But that doesn’t mean I like it any more.

I live in Memphis. We usually get a few inches of snow once a year and that is all I want. Any more than that is way too much. Just that one day, kids get out of school, I can call in to work with no guilt and I take the day off, the kids play in it and by the next morning it’s gone only to return again next year. What happened to this? I was fine with this system. This snowing once a week shit is for the birds. And most of them are dying because it’s so damn cold outside (or, you know, it’s the apocalypse or whatever. Either/or).

The massive rate of everything shutting down when it snows here is beyond ridiculous, for sure, but let me tell you why:

At a very early age down here in the deep-ish South, you are taught to fear snow and ice. You are taught that it is the be-all, end-all of everything bad in this world.  I am sure that I don’t have to remind anyone of the Ice Storm of…I don’t know when it was exactly. I want to say it was 1990 but I could be wrong. I could look it up, I will not.

That was probably the worst weather I can remember in my lifetime. There was no power for about a week. The streets were awful. Everything everywhere was covered in ice and everything was completely shut-down…for a while.

So now when the threat of bad weather comes here, everyone rushes IMMEDIATELY to the grocery store to stock up on all non-perishable items for at least the next week. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, everyone go out and buy canned goods that can be heated over a fire and dry ice to save everything in your freezer.

As for driving on ice? Have you lost your mind??? There is no driving on ice. You don’t do that here and you mostly don’t even have to. Everything closes down and you are free to spend your day inside with your stock-pile of groceries.

As a kid, then a teenager and now an adult (adult in age, not in maturity), I have been taught that driving on ice will kill you and everyone you know. It is dangerous. It is a hazard to everyone that owns a car, whether they are driving it or not. It is to always, ALWAYS be avoided. In my 13 years of driving (technically 12 since I didn’t get my license until I was 17 since I was both lazy and terrified) I have never once driven on ice. Snow, yes. Like once. But ice, no sir. Do you want me to die?!

If it is below freezing outside and has been for a few days and it starts to rain/ snow, I start to panic, especially if I am not at home or at least somewhere that I can stay until it all melts. If the temperature dropped right now and everything started sticking, I would leave work without a second’s thought. That is just the way things are down here. And for that, I am grateful.

So that is why, Snow, you are one giant, insufferable, dickish asshole and you need to go away. We don’t like you any more. You have overstayed your welcome and now everyone hates your stupid frozen guts. Go to hell, where you will then suffer a terrible melty death.

And it would be superb if you could not come back for, like, ever. Kthanksbye!


Snoballz said...


Stacey Garrett said...

Yes, Chris. Exactly!

D.P. said...

Ice Storm was 94. School was out for, like, 3 weeks and we had to make it up by staying an extra 30 minutes every day for the rest of the year. Half the city didn't have power, but I lucked out. Mine never went out. My best friend's power was out the whole time so his parents let him stay at my place the whole time. So for awhile, I essentially had a brother that lived with me. It rocked.

I too have driven on ice and snow plenty of times. Multiple times sliding around but only once have I ever cripplingly slid off the road. It sucks balls.

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