Thursday, September 1, 2011

Pretty much...

image via imgur

Friday, August 26, 2011

Direct all Marriage Questions Here

So I got married or whatever, nbd (no big deal).

I am sure many of you have questions, you nosey mother fuckers. I will now try my best to answer your questions in the order in which they are going through your head:

1. Yes, I am serious.

2. Nope, not pregnant. But how tacky of you to ask, thanks!

3. Is it a little soon??? I don’t think so. Shit happens and it doesn’t always go within an “appropriate” (whatever that means) time frame. But how about this, if it makes you feel any better: Take the amount of time you have in your head that you think I should have waited to get married since finalizing a divorce and/ or meeting someone, divide that by two and then shove it up your ass.

4. No one knew, it wasn’t just you. I am aware the amount of butthurt involved in weddings and wedding arrangements and being invited/ included or whatever and we said fuck that noise. I feel that a lot of the excitement surrounding getting married is about the wedding. I had one of those and, while it was fun, I didn’t exactly want to do that again.

5. We chose to not tell anyone because I just didn’t want to hear about it. I didn’t want to hear these asinine questions you are asking me now. I am 30 years old! (I have noticed that I only really say my age when I am trying to get my point across that I am a grown-up) Neither of us has to explain our actions or decisions to you and a surefire way to avoid that: Tell no one. Our families knew (kinda) and that was good enough for us.

6. We went to Ministers in a Minute. We took the day off work and we decided what day it would be less than a week before. We have been talking about getting married for a while (two months, that’s “a while” right?).

7. No, actually I don’t want to hear what you think about it.

8. Sure we can have a celebration party, you want to throw one?

Now I have a question for all of you…

Can we still ask for gifts??? (there’s a cotton candy maker at Bed, Bath and Beyond…just sayin…)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Asshole Monday*: Hair Feathers

So coming back from lunch today I had a small rant I was going to post about hair feathers. I was pretty fired up too. Disgusted. Embarrassed for the human race. Rage-filled. All kinds of bad feelings. So yeah, hair feathers...

No, not this kind:

This god-awfulness right here:

I was going to say how they are disgusting even on a small child, and they make older women look like the saddest forever alone chick I ever did see, and it’s more of a blinking, obvious neon white-trash sign than even a tribal butterfly tramp stamp. I was also going to say that there are only two places your kid is going to going in life with feathers in her hair and they both involve meth but only one has a pole. I was also going to throw in that you look a little like a retarded and flamboyantly gay raccoon. There is also nothing else that says to the world “Hi, I smell like garbage,” than having feathers in your hair.


I was going to say all of these things and much more and then I started thinking about something. Particularly hair accessories from when I was a kid and, like this:

And this:

And we must never, ever forget this monstrosity:

And now I am so embarrassed by my own disgusting and sad pop-culturally-influenced hair choices, I am about to braid a tiny portion of my hair, throw three beads on the end and then hang myself with it. 

But seriously, if you love someone, no more feathers. That mess is not hot. If only someone had told me this so long ago...(you're welcome)


Monday, August 22, 2011

The Awgowhat Files, Pt. 1

[D.P. checking in here. Since Stacey essentially killed this blog with her once-a-month food babbling, I decided to step in and breathe some entertaining life into this stale ass corner of the intertubes. Watch how it's done.]

Mayor Awgowhat

Where do we even start with this asshole?

In the spirit of local lunatic Prince Mongo, Memphis has a new loony in it’s midst. His name is Leo Awgowhat. And he’s fucking insane. Better still, he’s running for mayor. This isn’t the first time. He ran in 2009 too, but this time, he’s ramping up the crazy. But before I get into that, let’s see who he is.

The Commercial Appeal profiled him and it turns out Mr. Awgowhat is an Independent. So far so good. Then, under occupation, it states that he receives government money for a mental illness known as “dissociative identity disorder.” Yup. He’s got multiple personalities and, apparently, this is his occupation. I’m in the wrong profession.

Under the category of Personal, where most politicians would put, “Happily married for thirty years with three beautiful children,” Awgowhat simply states that he has some funny tattoos. Don’t we all?

In 2009’s mayoral debate, he wore a t-shirt that said “GO FUCK YOURSELF” and his most insightful statement for our city included the phrase, “Let’s be known for having the best pot.” If you’ve smoked pot here in Memphis, you already know this isn’t true, but hey, lofty goals and all that.

Go fuck yourself.

His MySpace page--yes, MySpace and even crazier, his last login was fucking today!--includes a video of him getting tazed by a midget in front of a crowd while doing handstand push-ups. Also a picture of a girl masturbating with the caption, “Women: they’re only good for that lukewarm hole in their crotch, so they’d better keep it ready for us.” Your future mayor, ladies and gentlemen.

In his own words, here is a little bit about him:

“the shrink says im one fucked up indevidual but we aint krazy we r just pretendin???had a mental break down awhile back and now letz just say i have a imagionary friend named bob and now itz uz and dont let the lookz fool u we aint a nice guy ??AwGo what? thatz Mr.AwGo Fuk Yorself and just so u know we r a devout reformed bokononist we r required by GOD to tell 69 liez a day chances r u will get lied to and made fun of so BEWARE u were warned.we r not looken for a relationship juzt new playmatez u no juzt 4 shitz&giggelz oh yeah checck out r video juzt uz foolen around we didnt no u were spozed 2 fall down check out the other vidz on r page thatz whatz sposed2happen ???”

His information reveals him to be a swinger, a proud parent, and a college graduate (the fuck?!) who attended Coffeeville High School between the years of 1969-1990.

Dig a little deeper and you get to his Photos which, to save you time, include the following:

- Pictures of dead cats in the bed of his truck.

- Naked pictures of his girlfriend.

- Pictures of his “funny tattoos.”

- Lots of pictures of him smoking weed.

- Picture of his dog chewing on a dead deer.

And this one:

Still better than Willie?

So why am I writing about this cuntdonkey? Well, he’s running for mayor again, for starters. The reason I know this is because his house (and Campaign Headquarters, more on that in Pt. 2) is located about a mile from where I work and I drive past it daily. His crazy is on full display there and I will tell you all about it and hopefully we will get to know Mr. Awgowhat a little better in Part 2 of The Awgowhat Files, coming soon...

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Book Review: Eating Animals by Johnathan Safran Foer

I see you rolling your eyes. I hardly ever post anymore and when I do, it’s about food and juice and being vegetarian.  Booooo. I see the lameness here, but I kinda don’t care. Hey, if you don’t want to hear me get all preachy, go elsewhere. I don’t mind!

Eating Animals is one reason why I quit eating meat. I read it a year ago and I read it yet again this week, in about two days, actually (nbd). Eating Animals is where I learned that the meat that I was eating, was fucking gross. Like grody. Like, more grody than this. Oh and factory farming is an evil, heartless, fucked bastard of animal cruelty. 

Things I can’t tolerate while reading are facts and statistics. They drive me batty and my eyes glaze over every time something is explained to me in a scientific-ish way. Eating Animals isn’t like that. Most of just sounds like a guy telling you a story, a really fucked-up, gory and heartbreaking one. And, dude is super mad. You can tell he is just pissed. I don’t think he started off that way or set out to be this angry vegetarian but from what he has seen/ heard, he is fucking furious. And I like it. And it makes for an interesting read.

Look, I know that none of you are going to read this book.  I get that. You should read it if you want to know what you are shoving in your face three meals a day but it’s uber unrealistic of me to actually think you are going to pick up this book and read it and that is fine. But since I know you won’t read it, let me hit you with some bullet points. Can you read those for me???

99% of all land animals eaten or used to produce milk and eggs in the United States are factory farmed.

Over 250 million male “layer chicks” (they lay eggs, duhz) are destroyed each year. They can’t lay eggs, go ahead and kill em’. Oh and “destroyed” only means they are electrocuted or macerated (meaning: thrown into a woodchipper).

Turkey hens lay 120 eggs their first year, chickens lay over 300. They lay less eggs after the first year and it’s cheaper to kill the hen and start over than it is to house and feed a hen not laying as many eggs.

Runt piglets that won’t grow large enough to be profitable are taken by their hind legs, and then swung headfirst on the concrete floor and their skulls are bashed in until they’re dead. It’s so common they have a name for it, “thumping.”

The animals you eat (chickens and turkeys, especially) aren’t healthy animals. The business model of factory farms is to see how close the animals can get to dying without actually dying. The turkey you eat at Thanksgiving can’t live long enough to actually reproduce. And “free-range” doesn’t mean dick nor does “cage free.”

What’s that? You don’t care about animal welfare?  I see. You’re kind of a dick, but I get it. You don't care all that much about faceless (literally) farmed animals as long as you get your chicken nuggets. I see. But try this, if you find it hard to care about chickens or pigs or cows, imgaine the cow half-conscious and hanging from a hook and terrified is a dog or cat...that do anything for you? Anyhoo, if that didn't work, let me try and gross you out now:

95% of all chickens become infected with E-Coli (from their shit) and 39 to 75% of all chickens sold in retail stores are still infected (their shit, it’s still there). 83% of all chicken meat (including organic a.d anti-biotic free brands) contain salmonella or campylobacter.  83%, yo!

Factory hog farms produce more than 7.2 million lbs of pig shit a year.

The #1 cause for climate change is animal agriculture (because of ALL the shit).

Most chickens and turkeys (even the ones labeled “natural”) are injected with broths and salty solutions to give them poultry “flavor” after the birds have already had their chlorine baths to remove
“odor, slime and bacteria.”

After a chicken’s head is cut off a machine makes a vertical incision in their guts to remove all that business. In this process the machine often rips open a chicken’s intestines, spilling its own shit inside its body cavity. Chicken companies call this “cosmetic blemish” and it is perfectly legal to sell to you and you eat it ALLLLLL the time. Especially if you consume KFC. But that’s not all! 

Next time you buy raw chicken, look at the package. Does it say anything about “liquid absorption?” Yeah. After the chicken has been plucked and such they cool it off in a chlorinated water bath commonly known in poultry farming as “fecal soup.” So that “liquid” that your chicken “absorbed” is bleached chicken shit. Yum yum!

Do with that information what you will (nothing). And if you take anything away from this, do not eat anything from KFC. It is the very definition of “the worst” and you will be doing everyone a favor if you stop eating there all together. I know crispy chicken skin is delicious but I promise you that it wouldn’t be near as delicious if you knew exactly what you were eating. Not only is the meat terrible quality but they are SUPER shitty people. Way worse than this bitch or these assholes.

Anyway if you are at all curious as to what it is that goes on in factory farming at all or, for your conspiracy minded individuals, the complete ass-fucked animal agriculture gets from the government, pick up this book. It’s a great read and it’s not presented in a boring or factual way. It’s intriguing, thought provoking and anger inducing. And it’s also shortish which I know is a plus to some of you retards so go read it! You won’t regret it!

(Just to be clear, the joke you are about to make about putting you in the mood for KFC or Chicken or pork, yeah…congrats! You are only the 1200th person to say/ type that to me! ORIGINALITY!)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

TWOF: Special WTF Edition

I haven’t been on the fb as much lately because it drives me insane. At first I would laugh at all the stupid people and make a mental note to copy and paste their fuckery in to TWOF for all to point and laugh. Nowadays I just ignore the entire site except for a quick news feed scroll-through out of boredom, habit or curiosity. It honestly pains my mind to read some of it these days.

But today I was reminded of why I started TWOF so many months ago. One status. One status to rule them all and to put all others to shame:


And then in the comments, they got that prayer:

I'm praying ur strength n the lord:-) give ___ the strength to pick that fruit up and eat it

If anyone out there can tell me what to do with this, I’d appreciate it. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Juicing, Days 8 - 412

It only feels like day 412. I am kinda done with juicing and it is not because I am hungry or cranky or feel shitty. On the contrary.  I have  been in a fine mood for the majority of the time, I have yet to get dangerously “I am going to beat a small child for their Goldfish” hungry, I feel fine, great even, and what I have been eating/ drinking hasn’t been so bad at all. I am just done.

I am done with Easy Way. I love Easy Way and their produce is half the price of Kroger and they do an excellent job of stocking locally (everyone buy produce from Easy Way, it is worth it) but when you are there every day it gets a little old.

You see when juicing fruits and vegetables, some don’t produce all that much juice. You have use quite a few if you want a substantial amount of juice for two people, and we have been drinking at least two juices a day so that is a lot of produce gone into juicing.* And since it the both of us, we have been using a bit more than the recipes call for. That only means you have to get your worthless ass in the hot car and drive to the store if you want to eat. Every. Day. First world problem? Yes. Absolutely. But that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

And holy fucking shit am I done with prepping vegetables. I don’t mind breaking out the cutting board and chopping veggies for a meal or whatever but when it is every meal and you know you won’t be eating or leaving the kitchen for at least 45 minutes…done. I have never been so thankful for a solitary banana grabbed on the go.

Our technical last day for juicing was this Friday then we moved it up to Wednesday as Michael’s birthday is Thursday and then yesterday I looked at my beet juice and my bag of cut fruit and I just thought, “Wow, I am so done with this.” So last night, Monday, August 8, 2011 was our last day of juicing. I am tired and bored and done. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it. You really should. I feel wonderful and I am not opposed to doing this again, preferably in the summer for produce reasons, for a week down the road. But I can’t anymore and I am also growing to resent fruit and vegetables and I don’t want that to happen. But, seriously, try it. You won’t regret it.

Tips on Juicing/ Raw Food eating:

-          Buddy up! If I didn’t have someone to do this with I would have failed long ago. When there is another person that can do the peeling, cutting, produce running, it saves all kinds of time and keeps the motivation going. There is also someone else there to wallow in your shared self-food-pity. It helps, trust me.

-          Variety! If it’s in the produce section and you have never had it before, get it. Try it. Get one of everything they have and hope for the best. If you stick to the basics of fruit and vegetables, you are going to get bored and lose your mind.

-          Cut it up! I have often fallen prey to an intimidatingly full Fresh Produce drawer in the fridge. If there is a cantaloupe in there that is all golden and good, sweet smelling and I know it’s going to be delicious, I still need the motivation to cut that son of a bitch up. So what I do, cut it all up at once, throw it in a bowl and you are done. Now every time you go to the fridge there are ready-to-eat fruits and vegetables.

-          Eat a lot. Seriously. You are going to be starving if you don’t eat enough of what you are allowed. The only reason I have only been really hungry twice in over a week is because I eat all the time. I also eat everything that I am allowed. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t have made it as far as I did.

-         Wait for it. If you can give it up to four days, I promise you will start to feel better. The first few days suck, but if you can make it past that, you should be good. Sure, I just quit but I lasted much longer than expected. Am I right?!

Okay so now that it is all over, what do I do now?

I am trying my damndest to not get back into shitty eating habits and that is going to take some discipline. I personally feel that if you like something enough you shouldn’t give it up. Sugar. Cheese. Meth. Whatever makes you happy, you should have it. Sure you may not have teeth or correct bowels or…teeth but if you like it, you like it. Who am I to say that you are wrong?

I have no intention of ever giving up sugar or dessert or alcohol. I like these things and they are going nowhere. But it certainly will not kill me to cut back and I think I can go ahead and eliminate certain things that I don’t really enjoy all that much and could easily be replaced by something better, healthier and probably cheaper.

So with that being said, here are the things I will no longer be consuming:

Caffeine: I am not going to say I will never have it again, but I am attempting to rid myself of it as a daily habit. Occasional cups of coffee are going to happen but no more daily Red Bull or skinny vanilla soy lattes. Dammit.

Packaged foods: including but not limited to; anything made by Lance, Grandma’s Peanut Butter Cookies, Little Debbies (I only consume these at my parent’s house, I don’t know why that is…), refrigerated cookie dough, store bought cookies (fancy foreign cookies that look weird and delicious do not count). Candy also doesn’t count in this because I said so but I will be cutting back considerably on candy and I am attempting to cut all high fructose corn syrup** out completely…except when it is included in Cadbury eggs which it may not be.

Grocery bakery desserts: Sigh. You know those neon-colored-icing cakes and cupcakes with a plastic ring thrown on the top that don’t even look all that good but you want it because it is there and it has icing on it? No more. If I want cupcakes I can make them myself (or my sister, who is admittedly much, much better) or I can go to a real bakery with fancy cupcakes. No more Kroger sugar cookies or angel food cake either. I have the know-how and time to make the shit myself, so I need to stop being fat and lazy and if I want a cookie, I can make my own damn cookies, or Girl Scouts can (do not count as packaged cookies, shut up!), whichever…

Milk: Bye milk! It was nice knowing you and I haven’t really drank you in a while but no more. It’s soy or nothing.

So enough about the things I will no longer do, what about the things I will attempt now that the juicing is over (note: I said “attempt”):

-         - At least one fresh veggie per meal and I am beyond ashamed that I haven’t been doing this all along.

-         -  At least two meals per week of nothing but fruits and vegetables. In addition, I will be making more vegan meals as well (have to cut back on cheese).

--      - Vegetable juices at least three times a week

That is all that I have so far but I think it’s a pretty good start. I felt like complete shit before this and I am feeling wonderful now so there has to be something to this juicing thing.

*I am an infamous non-waster of food. It did pain me to throw out the veggies that came out of the other end of the juicer. It’s just so much and it could all be put to good use. So I froze it. Tips for juicers for the leftover vegetable pulp (is it all called pulp or is that just oranges?): muffins, vegetable stock, carrot cake, compost. I have been throwing it in freezer bags and saving for a rainy muffin day.

** Addendum to HFCS rule: I will no longer be consuming any more candy containing HFCS but I do get one more time with every candy in the world. So at this point every candy, healthy or not, is on the table. You only live once! I want that life to be filled with various candies.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Juicing: One Week Down, One to Go

I woke up this morning and a spider this big jumped out of my bag, true story

I have a week left and I have no doubt that I can easily get through it. I would say the first four days have been the worst for me as far as fatigue, feeling hungry and all the bad things you hear about. If you can make it to day 5, I say you are doing well.

Concerns:  None whatsoever.

Bowel Movements: Everything is right on track

Mood: Feeling pretty good so I suppose that puts me in good spirits.

Hunger: In the documentary thing, that was the inspiration for this mess, they ask “Who thought of only  havinh three meals a day? Why not five or seven?” So I have kind of been taking on this same philosophy with this meal plan I have going on here. Whenever I am hungry, I eat something so basically I have been eating my face off. No one ever worry that I am not getting enough to eat. That has not been a problem.  I am never hungry and I find myself full at the end of the day.

Foods I could totes enjoy right now: At the moment there is nothing I crave, not even candy!  

Energy: I only get tired when I lay down. If I am going all day and sitting up and at my computer and awake, I am fine. But when I lay down it hits me all of a sudden that I am exhausted. I had to sit up to watch Louie Thursday night so I wouldn’t fall asleep. But as of right now, feeling great. Full of energy.

Moving on…

Okay so the beets. I have heard horror stories so I was very intimidated by these. I bought the beets with the stalk and leaves and put ALL of it in the juicer. Cut the stalk off and you can juice it whole and then cut the beet itself up into smaller pieces.

Like this!

Apple – Beet – Carrot
1 Apple
2 Beets w/ stalk
3 large carrots
1 Bunch of spinach (optional)
Thumb-sized piece of ginger

It’s the prettiest juice by far. But what did it taste like? It tasted like…beets? I don’t know. That was the first beet I have ever had in my life and I liked it. It kind of tastes like a cross between broccoli and spinach with a hint of dirt? And it was a pretty sweet drink too and I feared it would be bitter but it wasn’t to me. I enjoyed it and I don’t think Michael hated it as much as he hates the mean green so…WIN!

I want to paint everything beet now

Michael has lost 10 lbs in a week. I have no idea how much I have lost. I am waiting until I am done to check it and I will fill you all in. I did check after day three and I lost 2 lbs. in 3 days so that is something I suppose but I don’t have my hopes up high that I am going to lose insane amounts of weight. I just want to feel better and I do. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

NBD: Juicing, Days 3 & 4

I'm not THAT hungry

Starting Day 5, Bitches!

Concerns:  Absolutely no concerns. I feel pretty good, great actually. Not as tired as I thought I would be or as weak feeling. I also haven’t been dizzy since I started nor have I gotten car sick and my hair is doing exceptionally well today. Also, I think I am not as greasy, which makes sense when you aren’t eating anything with grease or fat, duh Stacey.

Bowel Movements: So far we are back on track with that. But it is nothing like I read that it would be which would be shit of Golgothan proportions when it has been nothing of the sort with either of us.

Mood: Pretty upbeat, I’d say. And optimistic. I can’t tell you the last time I have gone this long (it’s been one week today) without taking Dramamine. So that is pretty freaking amazing for me.

Hunger: Tuesday sucked and was by far the worst.  I was never to the point where I was starving/ crabby/ woozy/ raging cunt but it was bad. And I really don’t see how I can be all that hungry when I have been eating so much but I was and my stomach was rumbling. As of right now I am good and I had a handful of dried bananas and my juice. But it’s only 9:30…

Foods I could totes enjoy right now: a burrito with black beans, guac, sour cream, salsa, corn, tomatoes, jalapenos, black olives and cilantro. I would honestly kill that burrito. It would be a delicious bloodbath (of salsa). I have also randomly been wanting a biscuit with jelly. Any kind of jelly, really…and maybe a teeny pat of butter. I find myself wanting sweets less but I could still eat that brownie…

Caffeine deprivation: I haven’t wanted to say anything so I could maybe avoid the wrath of the almighty “jinx” but I haven’t really noticed it and after the initial headache went away it hasn’t been an issue. I think I am going to attempt to keep off coffee and Red Bull after the two weeks is up.

Energy: I have had way more energy than I thought I would. I haven’t been as sleepy but I do get a little exhausted towards the end of the day but juicing takes a lot out of you. Seriously.  You have to cut all that shit up and sometimes you have peel it and it’s all this big thing. It is no different than the time it takes to prepare a meal but I hardly ever prepare more than two meals a day and this is like three or more. And all the washing and clean-up and all that shit is for the birds. That is my only complaint so far, the prep and the mess. But it is a small complaint and I’d say it’s worth it for how I’ve been feeling.

Moving on…

I guess I should talk about taste of juice for a second. I have liked them all, really. There hasn’t been one where I thought I might not be able to drink it (but I am trying beet tonight so that may change). I would even go so far as to say I have enjoyed all the juices. The only one that was not my favorite was the carrot/ kale combo and I think it was the consistency more than the taste. Maybe. But besides that one, I find them all might tasty. Michael, not so much. He has hated all the green ones so far and I think he has a hard time getting them all down. He’s good with fruit juice but he said he is done with Mean Green for good. So we are working on a new green juice now, I will let you know how that one works out.

I think my favorite green juice so far is a concoction that I came up with, sorta.

Juicing Bloody Mary (or V8 if you want to be a dick about it)
3 med tomatoes
3 stalks celery
1 bunch spinach
Four radishes (you can add more or less depending on how spicy you like it)
And pinches (just a pinch, I swear!) of: Cayenne, Sea Salt, Chili Powder

What have I been eating:

I have been eating the shit out of some tomatoes. Both Monday and Tuesday night I had a bowl of fresh, home grown tomatoes (thanks, mom and dad!) and corn. It was delicious. And Tuesday night we grilled the corn so it was super good.

I have gone through two cantaloupes this week and working on a third.

I like the taste of radishes and I have been cutting them up into small pieces and eating them.

Lots of grapes, bing cherries, strawberries and blueberries.

I also have a bag of raw broccoli for today to snack on…yes I am serious.

We made the mistake of checking the website and it says you can have dried fruits and vegetables so when we need like a small, crunchy side with our juice or a quick snack before we pass out, we eat dried fruit and veggies (yes, we are checking the ingredients first before we buy. I am not going to buy a bag of Craisins and call that healthy, so save your, “You know that stuff isn’t good for you…” nonsense). We have been trying not to rely on this though and just eating a little here and there, but it nice to have something to crunch on, more mental than anything I am sure.

So there you go, all is going well! 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Raped by Celery*: Juicing, Days 1 & 2

Nothing to do with anything

Okay I have changed the plan slightly since the last blog. On Join the Reboot which is what we are following there is a program where you can actually eat foods and juice. So that way you can actually eat a meal, kind of and have your juice. So I am doing that. Otherwise I don’t think I would make it eleven more days.

Concerns:  Nothing concerning so far. However, Michael did express concern that if I lost weight my boobs would get smaller. I have no concerns as of yet and everything is going a-ok. Well, one small concern, kinda…

Bowel Movements: I couldn’t tell you because I haven’t gone yet. But I think my issue is that being vegetarian keeps you pretty well cleaned out when you have a fairly balanced vegetarian diet (not just all cheese and chips). I have no problems as far as that is concerned. I don’t drink milk or eat meat and I have cut down on my cheese consumption significantly. So yeah, I don’t think I had all that much to get rid of to be honest.

Mood: Surprisingly I have not wanted to kill or maim anyone yet. And no bloodshed! It’s a miracle. I have been in pretty good spirits until Sunday afternoon. So yeah. And I was a little crabby this morning but that was only because the air conditioning is out (1st world problem). Now that I am in a cool office, I am good.

Hunger: You know, it hasn’t been that bad (for me), but I have had fruit and such to help me along. And I think a lot of the hunger I have had has been mental. Surprisingly, the juice lasts you a lot longer than you think. Mine lasts much longer than an actual meal does so when you are finally finished you feel a little full, or at least I do. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want regular food…

Foods I could totes enjoy right now: Watching TV sucks. Trust me. Way too many commercials of food I would never consider eating on a normal basis (besides that peach shake at Steak-N-Shake). But everything looks so good. Sonic! OMG SONIC! I hate your delicious commercials. I haven’t eaten food that you can buy from your car (excluding Starbucks) yet this year but I could fuck up some tater tots and onion rings. I won’t but I could. The only thing I really find myself wanting is pizza, falafel and baba ganoush. And for some reason brownies and I don’t even like brownies all that much. But a really chocolately iced brownie would be gone in two seconds if it was in front of me.

Caffeine deprivation: It didn’t hit until Sunday morning with a headache that lasted all day. Headaches usually put me in a foul mood, so Sunday was not my most favorite day ever.

Energy: Saturday, I was fine. I actually felt great. Like considerably better than I usually do on regular food. All day Saturday was wonderful. Sunday afternoon, from about 3:00  on, I did not get out of bed. I was exhausted and my head was killing me by the end of the day. However, today I am doing just fine. No headache. Not anymore tired than I would be at this time.  Two thumbs up so far today.

So there you have it guys, what else do you want to know?

*According to Michael, the carrot/ kale combo juice is like getting raped in the mouth by celery. 

Friday, July 29, 2011

Just saying...

There is nothing more condescending to an atheist than the phrase, "I am praying for you."

Also, you cannot call yourself an atheist and then ask for prayers. You're making us all look bad and yourself look real stupid.

Fucking Juice, How does it work?

This is where I tell everyone what I plan on doing for the next few weeks/ months/ whatever and everyone reads politely while simultaneously taking bets with themselves on how long I am going to stick with this before I grow tired of it. A day, a week, years, who the hell knows? 

But yeah, juicing (not steroids). Ever heard of it?

I watch too many documentaries about food. One that was brought to my attention recently: Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. 

The premise: an overweight guy (not fully American if you can believe it, yay America!) is basically experiencing all kinds of diseases and terrible things so he goes on a 60 day juice detox/ fast to try and reprogram his system. Rebooting with micronutrients (Google it)! It involves a lot more than that, but if you are that interested, it’s on Netflix Instant. But the basics: drink juice, feel better. And who doesn’t want to feel better?

Do I feel like shit? No, I don’t. I noticed a significant change in the way I felt after giving up meat over a year ago so I feel pretty OK. In the documentary, dude wants to get off prednisone so he starts juicing for two months and he eventually gets healthy enough to where he doesn’t need to take it anymore. I don’t take any daily medications or anything as I have no need but I get headaches, I am dizzy a lot thanks to that rat-bastard vertigo and I feel like I am tired all the time. So I guess I could stand to feel better, so why not give a juice fast a try, right?

Now I watched this documentary and was not, in any way, planning on juicing. But the argument to do this is a pretty valid one. I have said before that I may be a vegetarian but I am not a healthy eating vegetarian so why not give that a shot? Also, it might help me lose weight! In the movie, he lost 90 lbs in 6 months on a two month juice fast and then by eating healthy for the following four months. I am nowhere near as big as he was and if I lost 90 lbs, I’d be dead but I have to think I will lose something, right?

Look how happy they look!!

It has also been called to my attention from my many, many IG fans (three) that I have not blogged in, like, forever so guess what is about to happen…

Yeah so I am going to blog about this. Someone out there might want to know how it is going, so why not fill them in.

What juicing blog posts will look like:

Concerns:  Is some shit going down in my body that I am not aware of? Am I pretty sure I am going to die from starvation? Am I seeing things not there (or am I seeing things that have always been there but never saw until l now???...)?

Bowel Movements: Every bit of info I have read on juicing says the same thing, “Shitting is an experience” so I am going to share that experience with you in the vaguest terms possible. “Within 30 minutes from the first glass” is what I hear…

So how are you doing on that juice thing?: Why don’t you just read the blog, duh! No but I will fill everyone in on how I am doing, etc.

Mood: As everyone knows, I love sugar. Love it more than a grown ass lady should. I have attempted to give it up before and I did not last long so this should be real interesting. Will I want to gouge the eyes out of everyone I see? More than likely. Would I cut a bitch for a KitKat? Probably, time is going to tell on that one.

Hunger: I feel like I am going to be hungry as all hell but from what I have read if you give it a few days, the hunger goes away. I don’t know, we will see and I will let you know. I may be on a Japanese paper diet before long.

Caffeine deprivation: I have some form of caffeinated beverage every day. Caffeine headaches are not my favorite but, according to the internet, I can cure a headache with carrot, lettuce and celery juice so maybe I won’t have an issue?

Energy: Will I have any? From what I have gathered it takes a few days to really get your energy going.
I have a feeling the first few days are going to be a hell bitch from hell. But maybe not? Keep reading every day to find out!

I am not doing this alone, either so that may help with my sticking with it. Michael* is going 30 days and I plan on going two weeks. I may go longer it just depends how I feel and 30 days seems like the longest amount of time ever. So yeah, we are starting our juice fast on Saturday morning (we felt it was a pretty solid idea to stay close to home the first few days for obvious reasons). And then we will see where it takes us from there.

So juice fast. Starting Saturday, July 30th.  I drink nothing but juice for two weeks (maybe longer) and I blog about it. Everyone wins! Stay tuned! No really. Read my blog. Kthanksbye! 

* Why is Michael doing this, aka a vaIid reason: “I’m really doing it to help jumpstart my diet. Right now I’m eating too much junk and rarely anything with substantial amounts of nutrients. I’m hoping between reducing my sodium intake drastically, getting the correct nutrients, and losing some weight that eventually I might be able to get my blood pressure down enough to not take meds for it. There are other reasons too though. It supposedly helps you sleep better, clears your skin up and gives you more energy. So yeah, all that too.”

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'm going away like this...but then I'll come back like this...

It has been brought to my attention lately from a shocking number of people (one) that I haven’t been blogging lately. And to that I say: “…Duh.”

I am lacking a little something called “motivation.” Oh and also, “something to write about.” Well something to write about that someone out there might want to read, it’s pretty tricky. Seriously. Writer’s block is no joke.

“Oh Stacey, how can you have writer’s block when you only write a super shitty turd of a blog?”

I assure you that writer’s block doesn’t discriminate. Turd or no turd, it’s there and it blows. And it also makes you think that everything you do write down is horseshit but that might just be because it is horseshit???

I am working on a few different things right now and trying to at flesh them out a little before I post. To see if I can actually get some form of content going. They may never see the light of day but know that one day I will be back with something. Not sure if it will be “content” but who wants that?

The reasons I started this blog are pretty simple and in order of my priorites:

  1. Writing practice.
  2. Entertaining myself.
  3. Cataloging memories (they are going quickly, people…old age = mother fucker).
  4. Entertaining others.
  5. Internet fame.
  6. Love and respect.
So really if I gave my blog any kind of content*, I wouldn’t be keeping it real.  I call it garbage because it’s a whole bunch of shit that no one really pays a whole lot of attention to. Giving it content would be like making Family Guy original; it might be worth the effort but the people that watch that piece of shit wouldn’t notice any way. If a tree falls in the woods does anyone who has something better to do going to give a fuck? No. You see where I am going (you probably don’t)…

So anyhoozle, I will be gone for a while but I will be back. Maybe if I get a little pissy like last time I just don’t want to start bitching constantly on the internet. I try and not complain (I do try, I swear) so much as I don’t have all that much to complain about at the moment. And I have been reminded time and time again that that is what the internet is for; complaining. But yeah.

So this is me going on…hiatus? Is it a hiatus when no one is paying attention? Does it even matter? No. If you are reading, thank you! You guys are awesome. Check back later! If you aren’t reading then you will never see this so I will take this time to tell you that everyone hates your guts. You are no fun and have no sense of humor and your friends only pretend to like you…just sayin…

* Here is where I ask for suggestions from everyone on what you would like my “content” to be and here is also where everyone ignores them.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

TWOF Special Report: Casey Anthony

As it was said to me, moments ago, by the great DP, “Facebook mad. This Casey Anthony shit.  All of FB is just one big U MAD? right now.” I could not agree more. Yay for a current and culturally relevant (sorta) blog topic! Go me!

Now if everyone could just STFU and CTFD while we have yet another talk

Yes, I understand me expressing that I am annoyed with people being pissy on facebook is totes the same thing as people expressing their pissiness of the verdict, don’t think I don’t see that. I am very self aware. But also I feel my annoyance is a little more…genuine??? Not as retarded??? I don’t know…

You see I checked Facebook minutes after the verdict was given to see who would be the first person to beat everyone to the punch and get their first Casey Anthony furious status up and you people did NOT disappoint. However, what I didn’t expect was to be eye-raped by outraged morons at the legal system or as one uber-dumbass put it, “Justus System” and the threats of god’s will for Casey Anthony to one day be dealt with were just too much (you know that awesome will of his that saved small children from being (maybe) killed by their mother…oh wait…).

Let’s all take a look at what FB had in store of us, shall we:

How can she not be guilty?!

I have to believe that a higher power will judge her one day.

The Justus system has failed the American People once again

Karma is a bitch, Casey Anthony.

Speechless, what is wrong with people?

The only thing the girl is guilty of is lying to a polica officer!! UNBELIEVABLE!

Sick to my stomach now

I am so shocked that she was acquitted, there is no acquittal in hell.

Very sad day for our jury system (what?)

As DP put it, people are acting like it is their own child when, well, it’s just not. As sad as it is that a child is dead, I hate to break it to everyone, but children die every day, just ask god. And you feel sick? Really? In what monumental way has this entire case fucked up your life to where you just feel sick? Not only do children die every day, but guilty people also get off every day. Happens every mother fucking day. Where is your outrage then? Are you currently following all child murder cases or just the sort of interesting ones?

So while people are more than welcome to post their opinions on facebook (is it their facebook for them to put whatever they want on it) don’t get all pissy and butt-hurt when someone calls you a moron for being on a soap box you not only know nothing about but won’t care about in a few weeks or, if we are being honest here, days. Giving a fuck about the end of a controversial trial about people I don’t know in a state that I don’t live in is probably a bigger waste of time than me writing this blog, but if I am not here to give you a blog-side-eye, who will????

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Random Dumbassery

So a lot of people tell me that my sister and I look identical...personally I don't see it which is why there are that many people that tell me we look nothing alike. So it's a draw, really.

We also act nothing alike and I think that is something everyone can safely agree on. But there are small things here and there when I go, "yeah, that is for sure my sister." Like this morning she was eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. That = my sister.


She is cleaning the house now and listening to Justin Bieber so...I guess we are back to it being a draw.

Friday, July 1, 2011

“Your blog has sucked since you turned 30”

Pic has nothing to do with anything, but how cute?

I apologize for lack of posts lately, if anyone out there is paying attention. I have made a few very great discoveries over the past few days, like Netflix on your iPhone so I have been doing that while simultaneously doing work. Turns out you actually CAN watch TV and do my job effectively. Seriously. I have been on task like a mother fucker. Maybe since turning 30 I have finally decided to be mature in my career (career, lulz) but maybe describing my work ethic as of late with “mother fucker” might negate all maturity I just earned. Though if you all knew I was watching South Park all day…you know what? Nevermind. Moving on.

I wish I had more to post, and also a girl who looked good I would call her...

I also haven’t been posting because my computer is terrible and I am waiting on a new one. This computer now makes posting anything a huge hassle and, for some reason, I am also not able to post comments of my own so I haven’t been able to reply to anybody for a while. And, to be honest, I really hate being on a computer when I leave work because I sit on one all day long and it gets tiresome. So yeah. My blogging has sucked lately and as one reader said, “Your blog has sucked since you turned 30,” and I could not agree more. It has and I apologize. But I am working on a lot of stuff, I just haven’t finished any of it and have had zero motivation. Also, I am working on a post right now that will be up later, so you’re welcome.

Also TWOF may or may not come today or I may just combine it together with next weeks. I have this week’s statuses and such already but there isn’t that much and I feel I need more to justify a whole post. So look for it next week. But next weeks will be a good one, I promise.

Anyhoodle, thanks for reading, if you are. And I will be back later. And also...

What? Sorry...

Friday, June 24, 2011

Who Says I have no Content? (Everyone)

Yesterday was a very momentous day for me and it for sure needs to be a blog topic that everyone cares about...I got contacts!

It’s been about a year since I’ve had contacts, and they were really old contacts that were only supposed to be worn for two weeks and I ended up wearing them for three years (I am not the only person that does this, right???) and now thanks to vision insurance I have new contacts! Yay!

No more glasses glare! Woot!

But yeah, I do look weird without glasses. Or, as Garrett tells me, “You look really, kinda, scary.” He breaks it down for me pretty honestly every time. If I ever have a question about anything, it usually ends up with him telling me I look fat. Before I can even get the full question out, not matter what that question is, “…you look fat.”

As weird and/or scary as I look, it’s nice to be able to see again and to read street signs without squinting and see red lights miles before I get to them and who knew trees had leaves on them?! Insanity. So yeah, I am now writing about eyesight…

Instead of asking me, “Why are you blogging about this?” Maybe you should be asking yourselves, “Why am I reading about this?” Yeah. I'm just writing things down and you dumbasses are actively choosing to read this nonsense. Who is the real moron here? ...I just made you think about that for a second, didn’t I?

I've been told time and time again that I have no content and no one cares about my nephews and that's true for the most part. There are a select few that do, though. And if there are about ten people out there that actually enjoy reading them, then that’s good enough for me. Christy gets to read (there is a possibility that she has since stopped reading) about what her children do when she is not around. Everyone wants to know that and I see a side of them that she doesn’t get to see. It's pretty cool. These are memories frozen in time, people! (if you got that reference, you’re cool)

Do you know how many memories I have that are blurry as fuck? A lot and we didn't have a video camera or anything fancy, so a lot of my memories are damn near gone.  Now the boys have the ridiculous shit they do written down. In detail. For all the world to see. One day that might be cool to them? I don't know. It’s doubtful but it can't hurt, right?

And I read a lot of blogs. Blogs of people I don't know but whose lives I actually care about. It's weird as shit, but yeah. So someone that does not know me, may think my mediocre life is entertaining? I don't know, I doubt it but you're the one reading this…

I mean, I know that no one really cares about the details of my life in the grand scheme of things, but I just happen to think I am very funny and that someone out there may be entertained by my brand of low-brow humor. Bloggers are nothing if not self-aware, I may be a dickhead about a lot of things and I am for sure a much larger asshole more than I care to admit, but I am funny, you can’t disagree with that (you can). So you may think my blog sucks (yes) and that I am kinda terrible as well but…

of course you do! Why wouldn’t you? I have a blog for chrissakes. That’s pretty much a given. If blogging wasn’t completely self-centered and absurd, Mother Teresa would have a tumblr, “Fuck Yeah! Good Deeds!” but as it stands now I write for the masses (twelve people) and if it bores you…why are you still here???