Monday, August 22, 2011

The Awgowhat Files, Pt. 1

[D.P. checking in here. Since Stacey essentially killed this blog with her once-a-month food babbling, I decided to step in and breathe some entertaining life into this stale ass corner of the intertubes. Watch how it's done.]

Mayor Awgowhat

Where do we even start with this asshole?

In the spirit of local lunatic Prince Mongo, Memphis has a new loony in it’s midst. His name is Leo Awgowhat. And he’s fucking insane. Better still, he’s running for mayor. This isn’t the first time. He ran in 2009 too, but this time, he’s ramping up the crazy. But before I get into that, let’s see who he is.

The Commercial Appeal profiled him and it turns out Mr. Awgowhat is an Independent. So far so good. Then, under occupation, it states that he receives government money for a mental illness known as “dissociative identity disorder.” Yup. He’s got multiple personalities and, apparently, this is his occupation. I’m in the wrong profession.

Under the category of Personal, where most politicians would put, “Happily married for thirty years with three beautiful children,” Awgowhat simply states that he has some funny tattoos. Don’t we all?

In 2009’s mayoral debate, he wore a t-shirt that said “GO FUCK YOURSELF” and his most insightful statement for our city included the phrase, “Let’s be known for having the best pot.” If you’ve smoked pot here in Memphis, you already know this isn’t true, but hey, lofty goals and all that.

Go fuck yourself.

His MySpace page--yes, MySpace and even crazier, his last login was fucking today!--includes a video of him getting tazed by a midget in front of a crowd while doing handstand push-ups. Also a picture of a girl masturbating with the caption, “Women: they’re only good for that lukewarm hole in their crotch, so they’d better keep it ready for us.” Your future mayor, ladies and gentlemen.

In his own words, here is a little bit about him:

“the shrink says im one fucked up indevidual but we aint krazy we r just pretendin???had a mental break down awhile back and now letz just say i have a imagionary friend named bob and now itz uz and dont let the lookz fool u we aint a nice guy ??AwGo what? thatz Mr.AwGo Fuk Yorself and just so u know we r a devout reformed bokononist we r required by GOD to tell 69 liez a day chances r u will get lied to and made fun of so BEWARE u were warned.we r not looken for a relationship juzt new playmatez u no juzt 4 shitz&giggelz oh yeah checck out r video juzt uz foolen around we didnt no u were spozed 2 fall down check out the other vidz on r page thatz whatz sposed2happen ???”

His information reveals him to be a swinger, a proud parent, and a college graduate (the fuck?!) who attended Coffeeville High School between the years of 1969-1990.

Dig a little deeper and you get to his Photos which, to save you time, include the following:

- Pictures of dead cats in the bed of his truck.

- Naked pictures of his girlfriend.

- Pictures of his “funny tattoos.”

- Lots of pictures of him smoking weed.

- Picture of his dog chewing on a dead deer.

And this one:

Still better than Willie?

So why am I writing about this cuntdonkey? Well, he’s running for mayor again, for starters. The reason I know this is because his house (and Campaign Headquarters, more on that in Pt. 2) is located about a mile from where I work and I drive past it daily. His crazy is on full display there and I will tell you all about it and hopefully we will get to know Mr. Awgowhat a little better in Part 2 of The Awgowhat Files, coming soon...


The Mean Beene said...

This is just fucking great! I bet you could score an interview with this character.
(Running for) Memphis Mayor- It's all a joke and a scam.

Stacey Garrett said...

Great job, buddy! Can't wait to read part 2. You're the greatest.

diane owen said...

Awgo Is nutz, a bit scary, but always good to me for the ten years ive known him... he would give an exceptional interview I'm sure!

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