Direct all Marriage Questions Here

So I got married or whatever, nbd (no big deal).

I am sure many of you have questions, you nosey mother fuckers. I will now try my best to answer your questions in the order in which they are going through your head:

1. Yes, I am serious.

2. Nope, not pregnant. But how tacky of you to ask, thanks!

3. Is it a little soon??? I don’t think so. Shit happens and it doesn’t always go within an “appropriate” (whatever that means) time frame. But how about this, if it makes you feel any better: Take the amount of time you have in your head that you think I should have waited to get married since finalizing a divorce and/ or meeting someone, divide that by two and then shove it up your ass.

4. No one knew, it wasn’t just you. I am aware the amount of butthurt involved in weddings and wedding arrangements and being invited/ included or whatever and we said fuck that noise. I feel that a lot of the excitement surrounding getting married is about the wedding. I had one of those and, while it was fun, I didn’t exactly want to do that again.

5. We chose to not tell anyone because I just didn’t want to hear about it. I didn’t want to hear these asinine questions you are asking me now. I am 30 years old! (I have noticed that I only really say my age when I am trying to get my point across that I am a grown-up) Neither of us has to explain our actions or decisions to you and a surefire way to avoid that: Tell no one. Our families knew (kinda) and that was good enough for us.

6. We went to Ministers in a Minute. We took the day off work and we decided what day it would be less than a week before. We have been talking about getting married for a while (two months, that’s “a while” right?).

7. No, actually I don’t want to hear what you think about it.

8. Sure we can have a celebration party, you want to throw one?

Now I have a question for all of you…

Can we still ask for gifts??? (there’s a cotton candy maker at Bed, Bath and Beyond…just sayin…)