Friday, October 25, 2013

Recipe: Low Carb Pumpkin Cheesecake

As promised, here is my low-carb pumpkin cheesecake recipe. Guys, look, I don't measure if I can help it so this is just a guessimation. If you fuck this up, that is on you.

Low Carb Pumpkin Cheesecake

3 8oz pkg of Cream Cheese (softened, duh)
1 15oz can pure pumpkin puree
3 eggs 
1/4 cup Torani sugar-free vanilla syrup* (coffee aisle) 
2 T Pumpkin Pie Spice (2T is on the low-end for me, feel free to add more if you want, I would) 
5 packets Stevia* 
1/4 cup Splenda* 
Heavy Whipping Cream (optional) 


1 1/3 cup almond flour 
1/2 cup sliced almonds 
1/2 tsp cinnamon 
1/4 tsp ginger 
2 packets Stevia 
1 T Torani Sugar-Free Vanilla Syrup 
2 T Coconut Oil 

Throw everything for the crust in a food processor. If your coconut oil is in solid form, there is no need to melt it. It will process just fine with everything else. And you don't have to have sliced almonds, either. If you have whole, that will be fine too, just process them first by themselves so you don't get chunks of almonds all up in your crust. Once everything is processed, press the crust into a 10" springform pan (you can use any old pan, I just use springform because I am fancy). Then bake at 325 for about 20 minutes or until crust is dry enough so it won't soggy out on you once you add the filling. 

For the filling, go ahead and throw everything you need into a big bowl. If I haven't had enough time for my cream cheese to soften, I usually put it in the microwave for about 30 seconds, that usually softens it up just enough. I mix everything with a hand mixer until it's a good, creamy consistency. On a keto diet, fat is the most of anything you should be eating, so if you want to add heavy whipping cream, now is the time to do it. And it kind of gives the cheesecake a lighter feel once you get it all whipped up if you are into that sort of thing. 

Before you proceed, taste it. Does it taste like you want it to? If not, add more sweetner or spice. I find that is what it needs most of the time. Are you good now? Ok. 

Pour the filling into your baked crust and then bake the cheesecake for about 35 minutes at 325 or until it sets to the touch. And it will turn a slightly burnt orange. Once it is done to your liking, turn the oven off but leave the cheesecake in there and let it cool while the oven cools. It will keep the cheesecake from cracking. Or if you don't have time for that shit, take it out, let it cool until you can touch the pan and then put it in the freezer for about an hour and then it should be ready to serve. If I were you, I would serve it with whipped cream with either cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice sprinkled on top. But you don't have to. It's your life. 

* As far as sweeteners are concerned, use as much as you'd like. I don't love the taste I get sometimes with artifical sweetners, so I usually taste I go.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Oh god, I'm going to have to deal with so many mommies at the grocery store now...

I didn't actually feel like I was getting four days off every week until those days became actual work days. So on my first Monday off I woke up at 7 (wtf. This is a fluke. Has to be.) got some crocheting done and now I'm making a grocery list when a whole new slew of life-altering problems reared their ugly head: 

 mean what else would I be trying to spell here?! I should have gotten to "raspb..." And you should have auto completed for me. Can you not further aid my technological laziness, phone? 

Of course now I could have just spoken into the phone which is ridiculous to me that that is eveb possible. 

One day there won't even be a keyboard, which makes me question the remaining life of "lol." So many people are going to realize they are no where near as funny as they thought they were. 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Yeah, so, whatever

Ok. Please bear (bare??) with me, I'm going on about three hours sleep in a 36 hour period of time. There are going to be some spelling and grammar mistakes all up in here. 

So I find myself with things to say again. Things of value? Absolutely not. So here I am.  

An alarming number of you have been adamant that I need to do this nonsense again** (like 3 people) so here I am. 

Is blogging still a thing? Do people still read things? Is it all vlogs now? I don't pretend to know what people do nowadays. 

Anyhoodle, here we go. I had full intentions of making a whole new blog chronicling the current time in my life but coming up with like names and shit is hard (no).  So I'm going back to this piece of shit. 

You are all so welcome. 

**Yeah so I was going to do a whole thing where I talk about keto/ low carb high fat and all that jazz. And I fully intend to I just can't think of what to call it. So I will post here for the time being. Deal with it.