Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Asshole Monday: Rude ass children

Or Tuesday, whatever.

I had two for today and I sure did forget one. So maybe we should make Extreme Forgetfulness at the Age of 29 (ugh) an asshole as well (working on Memorial Day should also be an asshole but I won’t say that, at least I am working).

Before I start: Yes I know it is bitchy to call a child out for being an asshole and I don’t care. Moving on…

To say I don’t get stares from children would be a lie. I do as I am sure most people who look a little less than normal do. Maybe to Collierville two heavily tattooed people (I am in no way heavily tattooed by today’s standards but in Collierville, I am) standing in line at a local burrito joint is something awe-inspiring that merits a good stare-down. I don’t know. But to this 10-year-old it was the most amazing thing she ever did see.

It started the second Michael and I walked in and went to the back of a sort of long line. We stood there, minding our own business, when this child turns around. She was at least 10 with long, blonde Pentecostal hair and the face of a deranged elfin pug (hey, there are lots of ugly kids out there, don’t you judge me!). From the second we lined up behind her, she started staring and she did not stop the entire time. And she wasn’t just staring, she was giving us a bad case of Stank Face.   

Now if this girl would have been older, at least 16, I would have said something. A 16-year-old should know better (really, a 10-year-old should know better). But she was youngish and I would have felt the slightest bit guilty making a child cry. At first. But by the end of my encounter with this entire family I would have reveled in it. At least that would have taught her not to stare because she is obviously not getting that lesson at home. Yeah, I said it.

Staring is just terrible fucking manners. I won’t say I don’t get caught staring from time to time, everyone does but once I get caught, I look away. Not this kid. I held her gaze for what felt like minutes and she never looked away. Just continued staring with her dead Children of the Corn eyes with probably one of the most disgusted looks I have ever seen on a child’s face. And when I say she stared us down for at least ten minutes, I am not exaggerating. Just staring without a care in the world which creeped us out and made me very uncomfortable. Rude.

This girl’s problem is more than likely her father. Her boat shoe wearing dick of a father. I know from experience that controlling just one child in public can be a handful and he had three to deal with but of the three he had, one had a staring problem and one climbed on the counter and screamed for a drink over and over and over again and when given a cup, he destroyed it. The third child, I’m guessing the middle child, was perfectly fine (credit where credit is due). But I am going to say this particular father is one of those that is far too concerned with his own shit to care about anything his children do.

Like when he took a few minutes to convince the kid ringing up his order that two days ago he left a full to-go cup at the drink machine thing so he needed a free drink now since his one from two days ago was wasted…really? Did that just happen??? Who does that? Boat shoe wearing Colliervillians with asshole children with terrible manners, that’s who.

*Note to everyone: if you Google Image “staring” you get a bunch of pics of dudes staring at tits. Color me unsurprised.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

This week on Facebook: Vacation Envy

Very slow week on FB and if I had actually been paying attention this week like I was supposed to, TWOF would have been much better. Whoops! Next week, I promise!

Crazy that it's been 15 years since Bradley Nowell died. – Bradley Nowell would be the lead singer for Sublime. I am old as shit. I actually remember him dying and was like “Whoa, I love that date rape song,” and now I find out via FB that it has been a long ass time, a child with a learners permit amount of time, since he died. OLD.

The weeks most popular status subject: Vacations                

To be honest, most vacation statuses aren’t my favorite and nary a one of them was original enough to post and if I were to say things such as “jelly” (which I most certainly do not) I would say that I am super jelly of everyone that gets a vacation. I have not had a vacation since labor day weekend 2009 so I am about due but when I will actually get a vacation remains a mystery to me. Maybe one day…

Religious Fuckery: (guys, I seriously did not want to put a god section in this every week because this is not that kind of blog but you have forced my hand with all of this. I feel I make fun of Christians enough but when they go back and read some of their shit do they not often think to themselves, “Okay this does seem a little silly…”??? I mean, come on.  If I have to read one more god status, I swear to god…)

I seriously don’t even know what to do with this:

When everything seems2go wrong,when the job gets u down,when people dont react the way U think they should,when Ur money looks funny&the bills are due,&when U ask the question,when is my ship coming in?(as I often do),just PUSH!
If Ur life is going just well&Uhave nothing going wrong,just remember U are trulyBLESSED&U2should continue2PUSH4even better blessings

I hope to a metaphorical god that this person is praying for a space bar and the strength to use it. As if god didn’t appear enough on FB, there is this:

If you believe in God, re-post this! Please don't ignore, you are being tested. For It says In the Bible, "Deny Me In front of everyone, I will deny you in front of my Father".......

*Sigh*. Here is the thing… really? I don’t know how many times I have to tell everyone that if god does exist, he surely doesn’t have a Facebook nor does he give a fuck what anyone says on Facebook. There isn’t some great prophecy that says “Thou shalt honor thy father on social networking sites.” There just isn’t. Enough with this. I have seen that status WAY too many times. Where is the status that says, “Shoving religious beliefs down everyone’s throat is a serious problem plaguing the world of Facebook. If you don’t believe in god and would like everyone to shut the fuck up about it, repost this.”

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -   

Oh how I love a vague status. Especially when they spell foreboding:

Learning when to throw in the towel.

I really don’t think there is more of an attention whore move (I should know, I am one) than posting a vague status. How many messages or comments or wall posts do you think this person got because of this status? I am going to say a lot. People want to know what you are talking about and they are of course going to ask. Why wouldn’t they? You put it on FB, it’s fair game. Maybe next time, nut-up and spell it out for everyone. You may find that tacky to put what you are really throwing in the towel for but it is no different than fishing for questions and sympathy, I assure you.

Statuses done Right (sorry, they are very much lacking this week. Send some in!):

- I just don’t understand how I’ve become so gangster.

- "SIKE" - Jesus.

- I might be the only one left in Dollywood after the rapture

- Had a dream I worked at Walmart. Ugh.

- My ex is here. Awkward as f.

- short term memory is officially MIA, oh well, who needs it anyway. Helps me forget the children I steal from, except I would like to remember where I put their tears.

- I got raptured, apparently none of you other suckers did, what did you sinners do!?!?!? Heaven is awesome WiFi and cell service... there is my rapture joke, now lets move on.

- Strippers in real life are never as hot as the ones on TV.

- I have a terrible case of status block. I bet this is how Ernest Hemingway sometimes felt.

- Swerved out of the way to save the life of a bunny, this morning.

- Y'all, I'll be the first to say Lady Gaga sucks. Really. Her songs have a nice dance beat, but she is just crazy.

Monday, May 23, 2011

And Suddenly, Crispitos

I was sent some pictures this weekend in reference to this from reader and fellow blogger, Holly.

So if anyone was wondering what a crispito created in the BHS cafeteria actually looks like, here you. These were taken last week and sent on to me, enjoy!

And this chili looks like actual chili consistency and not watery tomato soup with chunks of Grade D meat like I was used to in high school.

And now to add the yellowest cheesefood product I ever did see...

My  mouth is actually the opposite of watering at looking at this thing now, but I am sure it is doing something for someone out there and you have Holly to thank for that! Thanks, Holly!

Asshole Monday: The Wagon

As in, I fell off of it.

As quite a few people have been happy to point out (and I did actually ask for it) I failed miserably at not drinking until my 30th birthday. I was doing great until I gave in (redundant). I tried to rationalize that I can drink at special occasions, even though I basically said first I wanted to see how well I did in social situations without drinking and once I proved that I’d be alright, the novelty kind of wore off. What are you going to do?

And if you really want me to be completely honest here, I really didn’t care anymore. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to quit altogether (So I guess that means it kind of was hard, huh?). So I gave up and started drinking again. Maybe not as severely as before but still.

So here I am. A fucking asshole that couldn’t quit drinking for 112 days (I went at least 40). Whatever. I attempted it and I lasted for much longer than I thought I would. I am taking that as a win even though I did indeed fail.  

Am I fine with it? You bet your ass. And I felt like enough shit early Sunday morning to prove that.

And, plus, Zoo Brew is this weekend. Enough said.

*I contemplated today’s asshole being Rapture believers. As it was pointed out in a fb status last week; believing it was going to happen on Saturday is no more ridiculous than believing it will happen at all. Why was Saturday any more preposterous than any other day? It’s not, guys. I am sorry. So I kinda feel Rapture Believers got hit hard enough. They are still stuck on earth with atheists and Muslims and Branch Davidians and everyone else damned to hell for all of eternity so who is really laughing last, you know?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

This week on Facebook: The Rapture

Mable is now the official dog of TWOF. Welcome her awesomness

Before we begin, this exists…So if you love facebook (I will not lie and say that I don’t) and you really want to show your children one day about how much time you wasted, how self-important you found yourself and how terrible your grammar was, there you go. 

The weeks most popular status subject: The Upcoming Rapture

Has anyone else noticed that out of all the rapture statuses, none of them have been posted by Christians??? Methinks now that the day is supposedly approaching they realize it might be a little on the ridiculous side?

- If the world ends on Saturday I'm going to be really pissed off.

- There's only 3 shopping days left until the Rapture.

- When jesus comes back on Saturday morning, does anyone know which time zone he's going by for his arrival?

- The rapture is only 9 more days away! If any Christians would like to donate any money to me, please feel free to do so. Remember: "It's more difficult for a rich man to enter heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle."

- Although it is hilarious....believing the rapture will be taking place on saturday is no more delusional than believing the rapture will actually ever take place.

- Raincheck on God's wrath. I feel like sleeping in that day and watching movies on the couch. I'm not in the mood to be judged.

Hold up. I take it back – One day God will kills us all, with good reason. I really do not care to dwell on it or say when and where that will happen because I hope it will be a slow process and not so cataclysmic. – That was a comment posted on a rapture status. So one day, this guy knows when and where, we will all die by the hands of God. Cool.

It's almost hot enough for you jackasses to start posting pics of the temperature in your cars. – Oh. Are we not allowed to do that??? Truth be told, the Element does not have that fancy feature but I have no issue copying the iPhone screen of my weather app and posting it. What? Fucking hide me already!

<3 hey everyone my celly is turned back on so  hit me  up on it lovez yall MUAH byeee <3  - okay so this was posted at some ungodly early hour this morning and no one commented on it. Then another status was posted about how people never comment or like their stuff so they are going to start deleting people. I saw it this morning and went I got here and went to copy and paste, the status had been deleted and their wall was disabled. Let me tell you how annoyed I get when people I always make fun of disable their wall posts. This is so not fair.

The only Friday the 13th status of note: If any of you are contemplating having sex in the woods with a camp counselor, today isn't the best day. Just a heads up.

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -   

Shocking as it may be…I have nothing oversharey for this week. I even checked everyone that I have hidden. I blame no one but you. My FB friends only have so much emotional turmoil to go around. I need others peoples as well. Copy and paste that shit in a fb message and send it to me! Dicks!

Statuses done Right:

- The women who sit in the crowd at the Wendy Williams Show are the saddest people on the planet.

- There's not a horror movie, roller coaster or terrorist attack on this planet that scares me more than when I'm sitting in my car and a wasp flies in the window. I'd rather be coated in gravy and trapped in a small room with a hungry wolverine on PCP.

- Facebook keeps logging me out saying some "spammy link" shit. So help me god if I of all people somehow get my account phished, I'm kicking Mark Zuckerberg in the sack.

- I just executed a chicken sandwich. My administration has decided not to release the photographs.

- My all-time favorite porn star does MILF porn now. Goddammit, I'm old.

- Nobody ever has Taco Bell for lunch and then goes back to work and has a really productive second half.

- had to get glasses today, there will be no unicorn tattoos in my future. DAMN!!! So its true, masturbation does make you go blind.

- Ok, I had Spongebob Squarepants on, and tried to sync it up with some Bjork, FYI, it didn't work. Fail....... Next i'm going to try WHAM!

- stoked about iCarly being in Memphis tonight. I got my poster made and pockets filled with candy.

- Dear women of crescent at wolfchase apartments: please try to control yourselves when I take my shirt off at the pool this summer.

- Tuesday is the sweaty, hairy armpit of the week. Sidenote: it's no bueno when a cop is parked in front of my building and I can't illegally cross the street. Failing.

- People who say possessions won't make you happy don't have a 60 inch tv.

- Justin Beiber was on tv and asked the crowd who wants to be his baby....Avery went 'ME!' hahahaha

‎- dying a slow painful death in bed never drinking again
3.thinks jello shots and ice luge are the devil
4.should probably be embarrassed by her actions last night, but only if she could remember them...


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

High School Cafeteria Food: Some days I long for you

If anyone was ever wondering if I think I spend too much time on facebook know now that I do think that. But it is helpful at times in finding blog topics. Like today’s!

would kill for a Mexican pizza right about now. With a side of cheesy hashbrowns. – via Morgan

What Morgan just described is a delicious lunch from Bartlett High School’s (my alma mater) lackluster cafeteria.

Now I was never a “lunch buyer.” I would buy in elementary school only on pizza day on Friday. But that was it. Every other day I brought my sack lunch with a foil-wrapped coke (if we are being honest, it was Big K), a random sandwich, chips and whatever homemade dessert was at our house that week.

When I got to high school, I bought my lunch rarely the first three years. I was still a bringer my senior year but I changed it up a bit and decided to occasionally eat what was provided by lunch ladies from time to time. I was given lunch money but the majority of the time I refused to use it on lunch so I would eat free saltines and dip them in free mustard. Or if I was really hungry I would buy Fritos and dip them in ketchup (Yay for obesity!) It sounds disgusting but it was delicious when you are hungry and pocketing $10 for whatever you would like (candy). And to say that I wouldn’t eat Fritos dipped in ketchup now is just wrong.

On the occasion when I would splurge on lunch, there still wasn’t a whole lot I would eat. I have an aversion to cafeterias and buffets in general. They gross me out exponentially and always have. But there were a few things I would eat and grew to love:

That is it exactly

Cheeseburger: There was rumor that these tasty aluminum foil-wrapped burgers were soy but I am not buying it. I kind of makes no sense to me that a cafeteria in a southern high school would have soy burgers, but I could be wrong. Soy or no soy, they were still good. It was a thin burger patty with cheese. And the aluminum foil always gave it this soggy type texture, kind of like a Krystal. If they did turn out to be soy (no) I would eat the shit out of one right now.

It needs to be more orange but that is basically it

Chicken Sandwich: These were tricky. You could get them on a good day and the orange chicken-parts patty would be crispy and delicious. On other days (most days), they would be soggy and gross. Either way, if you actually bought one, you had to eat it. So if it was a bad day I would cover it in mustard and eat it anyway.

I couldn't find a true to life pic, but this one is close

Cheesy Hash Browns: Cheesy hash browns are exactly what they sound like. They ice cream scooped them out into these little Styrofoam cups and I would always add more salt than was ever needed and lots of pepper. So good. I would eat them now in a second. I still have every intention of one day making cheesy hash browns. I just have to make sure to add a lot of salt and cheese and it was always my favorite when the hash browns were a little crunchy so I will need to overcook them.

And, for the grand finale…

Add some watery chili and a less fancy tray and that is it

Crispito: Dear lord. I was a crispito hater for a long time. I went three years at the BHS without ever eating one. They look disgusting. What it is; taco meat (using the term “meat” loosely) wrapped in a corn tortilla that has been fried and topped with chili. Watery, runny, tomato-filled chili. Upon sight, a crispito can very easily look like a turd covered in vomit so I was put off of crispitos from the beginning. Then (senior year) I was told, from Morgan, “You need to try it. Just try a bite. There is no way you won’t like it.” I have to say I was very curious. On Crispito Day, the lunch line would be long and seemingly never ending. I always thought, “Why is there a line to eat a vomit-covered turd???” So I tried it…

I was doing it wrong for a lot of years. Crispitos are delicious. They don’t seem like they would be, but they are. Somehow the watery chili really works for a fried corn tortilla stuffed with a meatish substance. I was not one of those people that would get more than one, but I could have easily eaten three. And if I can make a vegetarian version one day, that is happening, my words have now  been marked.

And that, sigh, leads me to this:

There is one thing that I could still eat now that was so delicious I have spent my entire life trying to find to no avail, BHS Chocolate Chip Cookies.

You know what I am talking about, fellow Bartletters. It was four cookies that were sold for $1.00 every Friday by the food service (or whatever) classes. They were always cooked perfectly and so warm and soft in the center but crunchy on the outside. I have yet to find a better chocolate chip cookie in my life (sorry, mom).

A few years ago I went on a search to find the recipe for these cookies and I got nothing. A friend of mine, Allison, was actually in one of those classes that made the cookies and what she told me kind of broke my heart but at the same time gave me a little bit of hope…

They are made from frozen cookie dough by Sysco. There is no recipe for them. FML, right?! I actually emailed Sysco and asked them if they still make them and if there is a recipe they could give me and I never heard back. I also tried to buy them to no avail.

I guess this is where I put the word out to the thousands (tens) reading this: Find me the recipe for the cookies or the cookies in general. Go. I would be forever indebted to you and you would  make me and everyone around me happier in general. So do me a solid and go, my dear garbage collecters (yeah I just said that), and find this for me.

…Why are you still sitting there, what did I just say???

Monday, May 16, 2011

Asshole Monday: Getting Fired

Note: I have NOT been fired.

I have been planning to fall back on this a while ago when I was without an Asshole so here we are. This is the story of how/ why I got fired in July of 2009. The original post was on FB. Please keep in mind this was days after I got fired and I was PISSSSED. It was basically to answer everyone’s questions of “What the fuck happened???” so I put it all out there.

The company name has been changed to an acronym for something else that still has a lot to do with that company, FML, and the names have been changed to what these certain people were called behind their back or, if I liked you, it’s just your initials. And I have gone back and changed a few things up to make it a little more coherent, and it wasn’t near vulgar enough:  

Okay, so a long time ago when BM and MC were fired there were some facebook comments that I made. NONE of which were false (I am willing to bet for-real dollars that we do make less than McDonald's employees). FML being of the "We are flawless" mentality didn't much care for their employees speaking the truth. I was told that certain people were pissy about it and disgusting Amazonian, Skank Barbie started asking her employees if they had ever had anything bad to say about FML on their facebook. You know the personal website where you keep up with your friends that has zero to do with work? Yeah. That. Someone was "monitoring" facebook and tattled. Awesome. Adult! (And by the way, I made $16.80 an hour. Do with that what you will.)

So yeah. A month or two went by and nothing happened. Then they hired this uppity red headed cunt named Red Headed Cunt. We hate Red Headed Cunt. We were not asked to meet her before she was hired (this is probably because they interviewed and hired her before BM was even fired, classy.) We didn't even know she had been hired until she started. We are all aware of their want to keep EVERYTHING secret. Especially dumb secret things that don't matter. I honestly think they are so vain that they think everything they do is flawless and wonderful and we should all be kept in the dark before the awesomeness goes down. Not so much.

Anyway, Red Headed Cunt? She hates me. From day one she has HATED me. For one, she is a germaphobe and who has the messiest desk in the building? We all know that is me. She is also a fan of slacks (gross) so she pretty much hated everything I showed up for work in. Which, WHO CARES? We are a failing (type of business deleted). Do I need to dress professionally when I don't even have a real job in the first place? I am going to say no. She kept going on about how we needed to appear "professional" in front of all the bankers that are constantly in the building. Bankers? I can't be certain but I think she was referring to the accounting department.  

I also have purple hair and visible tattoos which I know that the majority of management is disgusted with and the ones that don't act disgusted are just trying to be the cool kid in class and "fit in" (like Rat-Faced Punk Ass, the largest pussy I have ever had the displeasure of knowing). So she hated what I wore, what I looked like and my attitude. I have an attitude??? That is the most ridiculous fucking thing I have ever heard.

I got one warning about my attitude because Titty-Baby Retard complained to Red Headed Cunt that I was being rude because I corrected him on who did a certain vendor. And I was also scolded for leaving at 4:00 twice in three weeks. Red Headed Cunt said that my leaving at 4:00 (even though I worked a full 8 hours both days) was becoming habitual. I am sorry, Red Headed Cunt. Twice in three weeks does not a habit make. Moron.

I knew she hated me. The feeling was very much mutual. Red Headed Cunt is one of those bitches that you want to fail and actively wish harm upon. She sucks and I say that with the utmost sincerity. She. Sucks. I have met my fair share of crappy people but this bitch takes the shitty-person cake. All of it! And then checks it for germs! Let me provide you with a few examples:

She threw out EVERYTHING that BM had. Every pen that BM ever held, she threw it away. She demanded a new headset. She demanded a new keyboard. She cleans her desk EVERY DAY. She complained of how "nasty" it was over there on her first day in our department after having just met us. I have not seen her do one productive thing since she started. She also loves a deadline. She wants to give you a deadline for a price list that you don't even have the pricing for yet. It's not happening. We all know this. It gets done when it gets done. And was she willing to lift a finger to get this done any sooner? No. Of course not. She went over our heads with everything we told her. She gave us the same ridiculous dress code that Skank Barbie implemented after her first week. Also, we had some things hanging up at our desks. Signs and such that we made for ourselves over the years and we hung them up. She took them down. ON HER FIRST DAY! We came in on Tuesday and everything that she didn't like was taken down and thrown away like we would never notice. Nice.

And that is just the tip of the frigid bitch iceberg but I am not here to talk about her…

Okay so Tuesday. I got fired. FYI. So they called me down to the executive conference room at 9:00. I walked down the hall and as I passed DP he mouthed, “Are you in trouble?" and I was rolling my eyes like “Of course!" I thought I was either fired or this was about me telling Rat-Faced Punk Ass that a certain procedure that the prestigious sample committee implemented was the dumbest thing I have ever heard (still is). So Red Headed Cunt leads me into the conference room and HR is already sitting there. Duh. I am getting fired.

HR says "We have decided to terminate your position." My exact response, "Awesome" and I think I gave a thumbs-up. Red Headed Cunt did not say one word the entire time and she was only in there for less than a minute. And then HR said that Red Headed Cunt was going to go get my bag and stuff and I said "I would rather she didn’t. Can I at least call KB to have her bring my stuff."

And they said no. I wanted to tell them right then that KB and JD were probably well aware that I was being fired at that exact moment (they were). So I had to fight to get all of my stuff off my desk that I needed right then. Red Headed Cunt brought it back to me and as she was doing so, she dropped my keys and jacket on the floor. Did she pick them up? Negative. I then stormed out of the conference room, almost knocking down EP in the process. I was pretty fucking pissed/ furious/ rage-filled. I marched off and down the stairs and through the showroom when I saw BD and CM at their desks, I slapped the counter and said "Pleasure working with you ladies I just got fired." And then I stomped into Will Call and I saw EP again and said "Nice working with you..." as I stormed out. Oh, just so you know, I got no severance. I basically got a big ole "Get the fuck out."

On Wednesday I went and got my stuff and they wouldn't even let me go to my desk. They had Red Headed Cunt pack all my shit up along with KB. And KB made sure that everything was there. (Except for all of my pens! I want my pens.) Also on Wednesday morning before I went to get my stuff, I fashioned a shirt that said "Fuck You" in bright green letters (see above). I chose to wear it when I went to pick up my stuff. I happily walked through the building with it on. Was it childish? For sure. Was it professional? In no way. Did it feel good? That it did. I am not sure if anyone read it or not but that really doesn't matter. I said what I wanted to say without having to say it. And, really, fuck them.

If they had given me some reason to be professional and trusted their employee for 10 plus years to get her things from her desk, then maybe I would have behaved differently. But if you are going to treat me like a child then I am going to act like one. And I have been treated like a toddler for months so I felt it necessary.

Here is the kicker: Guess who they are replacing me with. Useless White Trash. Yes. The bitch we kicked the fuck out of our department years ago because she hurt her wrist four years ago and needed to take intermittent sick leave so it could heal for four fucking years. And when you thought everything was healed, you then had to deal with all of her family problems starting but not limited to a suicidal daughter. Yeah. That is a fabulous idea. You know the bitch that didn't work a full week for 4 months, let’s bring her back. She was awesome. Excellent move, FML. However I am pretty sure Useless White Trash works at FML for Food Stamps so I really can't blame them for wanting to keep her around.

And then Red Headed Cunt told KB and JD that she would be doing my job as well while they found a replacement to hire. Excuse me while I crack the fuck up. Apparently, Red Headed Cunt thought I was disposable and my job would be easy peasy. KB said Red Headed Cunt sat in front of my computer all day long only to just change prices on an old flyer I created in January. I also had a conference call with KB and JD today on the hilarity of them trying to figure out my job since NO ONE knows how to do it. And I don't even have any notes. Everyone else has a book that details their job. I have no such thing. The only notes I have on my job are still in my mind (and will probably, sadly, be there forever).

I predict two things happening in the very, very near future: one, LW is going to lose his shit. He is patient for a while and then he loses it. He loses it on whoever isn't getting things done. And I am pretty sure that he doesn't like Red Headed Cunt anyway so that is only going to add to it. Two, Red Headed Cunt is going to cop her snotty attitude with DR when he goes ballistic on her when things are so fucked up from me not being there that it all goes to shit. Because does anyone know who runs his two favorite reports? That was me. Are there notes on running these reports? No. No there are not. HEEHEEHEE.

So yeah, I got fired. I was and still am pretty annoyed about it. However, I have absolutely no doubt that it was for the best. I was so miserable and unhappy and I was looking for a new job anyway. And when Red Headed Cunt came to my desk to walk me Spanish down the hall, I was actually updating my resume on my work computer and saving all of my good flyers onto a flash drive for a portfolio. I hated Red Headed Cunt and I pretty much hated every manager in that building and I came and went with a scowl each and every day. I will burn that mother fucker to the ground one day…once all the cool people are outside.

I think my new job is going to be writing an expose titled "The Cubicle Mindfuck of Corporate America." If anyone would like to contribute your FML experiences let me know and I will include them. I am so completely serious. I am a better writer than Backwoods Dumbass; I guarantee you that right now. So go ahead and send em in.

Update: Red Headed Cunt was fired three months after I was and then she went to work in retail where she got fired once again (I am guessing???) for being a Red Headed Cunt. And I also need to say that I have a job now and it is awesome.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Keepers: I'm back! And annoyed!

My sentiments exactly

It’s Friday the 13th and it’s been two weeks since I posted a Keepers. Whoops! I have actually been a little busy. I swear I haven’t gone and gotten a life on you all, I have just had actual work to do and things to do after work which is unheard of for me. I have been saving a few of these for a couple weeks so some of this may be a little oldish but that doesn’t mean that you all have seen any of it. So shut up and click a few things. Internet traffic!

Oh and Blogger has been fucking up for a few days and now This Week on Facebook from yesterday is now gone and I don't save them so I may never see it again. Not. Happy. We may pack our shit up and move to Tumblr.


Awesome video of the week...nevermind that isn't fucking working either!

Why don’t try not taking a kitten’s cigarette away? Maybe? Give it a shot??? 

Oh America, you so crazy… 

I would say he had a bad day, yes. Bad taste? …Nah, we’re good. 

Random/ Funny/ Pervy/ Weird/ Cool/ Nerdy/ You’re welcome:

I thought this was a damn good article about trading your husband blow jobs for things you want. Kelly Oxford is pretty cool and she maks me lol quite a bit so everything she writes is usually entertaining. 

Just click it and shut up and then laugh. You will.  

I know the Royal Wedding was however long ago but that doesn’t mean I care about it, I surely do not. But I do want to commemorate it with the awesomeness of this commemorative plate.

The first few books of Harry Potter get the Comic Book Treatment. It’s pretty awesome if you are into that sort of thing, which you should be. 

If you wanted to get pissed off today there is always this.

And then if you still aren’t good and pissy after that, just you read this

Stuff I want:

For some reason measuring cups are a needed resource in my house so this is actually something I both need and want. Robot measuring cups, yes please! 

Okay, I thought this was a pretty cute way to post “house rules.” I never had any house rules growing up but if I had, I might have actually paid attention to them had they been posted. Duh. 

I need to have these. Why I don’t already own a pair of Hello Kitty glasses is a mystery to me and it seems super dumb. 

It’s a bag, why would I not want it? 

Soooo would I need to have that made or can I buy it like that? Because I need it, as does every other super cool person. 

It’s a plush interpretation of Oy from The Dark Tower series. Exciting, adorable stuff, people. 

Medieval weapon push pins needs to be in my life, I am convinced of this.   

So when I get an iPad in a few years when they are not longer expensive and I can get the first generation one for like $50, this will be my cover. Mark my words…unless a cool Hello Kitty one comes out. 

She’s Crafty:

The Dantification of Masculinity which is basically things that are supposed to be “manly” that have been crocheted by some super awesome bitches. 

Food (aka, food things I find that I want to keep track of to one day use):

Beer and donuts, you are all fucking welcome. 

Until next week or month or whatever, when I finally get back to this. This is one I actually like doing too, I find it fun to share pointless shit with you people. I am very giving.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

This week on Facebook

"Only the most top-of-the-line technology at my job."

Oh the Grizzlies posts from Monday night! It might have been because they went into three overtimes, but the statuses were non-stop and clogged the whole news feed the entire night and most of them were play-by-plays and no fun and some of them were funny:

- I wish Playa Fly would parachute down from the rafters and "Crown" Kendrick Perkins.

- May sound crazy but if I had a d*ck that last play woulda made it hard.

‎- "Don't let Memphis win." -David Stern

- Okay, seriously Grizzlies. Either win or don't, I've gotta go to fuckin' sleep.

- if this goes to 9 overtimes, everyone will be fouled out except a 2 on 2 battle of Ish Smith and Hamed Hadaddi versus Royale Ivey and Byron Mullens for the game.

- Great. 3 OT's and we lost. Y'all could've lost at regulation so I could've gotten more sleep. Good game though.

I did bitch about this, the infinite number of statuses during a 3 overtime basketball game, however, when they lose quickly and badly, not only are the statuses damn near nonexistent, but they are far from upbeat:

- Welcome back Grizzlies of old. Wonderin when y'all were going to show up.

- I don't believe Memphis.

- Alright, the crowd in Memphis better bring it Friday.

- Wow sometiiiiiimes I hate basketball

The best possible way to post and exercise status: In case any of you were wondering, Couch To 5K is more of a bitch than 8 bitches in a bitch boat. So exhausted...

I will award a couple of internets to the first person that can translate this nonsense, posted by the same person because I just can’t with any of this:

"been a horrible day4 me @ 1st but nite it end up n great 1 instead of my boyfriends ex getin 2me i got 2her. found her weak spot.even her friends, law would laugh n her face. who would b retard enough 2 some1 cal law on some1 over what they believe in,"

Why is it ppls go crazy over love? why does make you crazy alone you go crazy? is it cuz your that crazy in love with one person or could it be the feelings of hurt and happiness has mad you that crazy to where you only want to love that one person.? well im a sucker for being crazy in love with my man. i want the whole world to know i am crazy in love with samuel buzard

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -   

Ok so seriously now my blood sugar is going haywire.... another run of blood work on Friday to see if I have to get tested for Diabetes.... what is going on here????? Then I go back in June for my heart.... what else can be wrong with me.... so young and handsome...... That was pretty much my favorite type of fb status to make fun of and I will now tell you why: Look. I get it when people share health information on fb. I really do. FB, though ridiculous, is still a great way to keep people informed. You just throw it up as your status and everyone knows. That is honestly what it is for. That being said, this is not an informative medical status, this is a “Woe is me” it’s also a “Look at me” and an “Everyone feel sorry for me.” It’s also fishing for sympathy and compliments. It’s also way too much information beforehand. Blood sugar issues are not uncommon. It could be diabetes but he is a few tests away from ever knowing that, yet did that stop him from throwing the word “diabetes” in there? No, no it did not. So we have fishing, woe is me, attention whore and a preemptive disease diagnosis. It scores on so many levels and I am not even counting the “handsome” comment because…no.

Statuses done Right:

- Today, on this mother's day, I am thankful my mother doesn't have a Facebook page.

- if it wasn't for my mother than I probably would have died in that dumpster. Thanks MOM!!!

- Tweet of the day. What's hanging lower, Laker fans heads or Khloe Kardashian's balls?


- Bin Laden: we shot him in the face, threw him in the ocean, and now we're going through all his shit. America is fuckin' gangsta.

- Anybody wanna go half on a baby?

- I'm a do me so hard I get pregnant, will I have another me? That's a trick question.

- why do we have to wear pants to work? Life would be so much easier if everyday was super wicked casual days. Except fatties, you must wear pants.

- Tooth starting to hurt again. Left legally prescribed lortab at home today. Anyone have some heroin?

Until next week my favorite FB Dickheads and if there anyone you would like to call attention to it be it good, bad, or incomprehensible, send it on.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Asshole Monday: REALLY Bad Dates

You know what you never hear about? Crazy dudes. Like really crazy ones. They exist, I assure you and I have found a couple all on my own in the wild. That being said, here is where I will tell you about my brief, horrifying experience with internet dating.

Upon the suggestion of my dear friend Sherrie, on February 1st I signed up on (it’s free. I have never paid for sex and I won’t start now).  I did up a half-ass profile and answered a few questions and, BAM, I was ready to “internet date” or whatever the fuck. By February 6th, my account was disabled. Because of one seriously crazy dude and one phenomenally bad date.

Let me say now I did this purely out of boredom and sheer curiosity. Just to see what it was all about. And I thought it would make a pretty good blog topic. I’m a whore for my craft, what can I say? True story: After I went out with this dude, it was said to me after relaying the story to Daniel, “Well at least you have an asshole for Asshole Monday,” indeed buddy, indeed. At first, I was hesitant to write about this dude but I think enough time has passed now that there is no way he is reading this (And if he is, I need some info on restraining orders).

It takes a very large asshole to make fun of someone for things that they probably can’t help like their teeth and their awful personality. I am that large asshole so I am going to go ahead and do that here.

His name was Will (we are calling him Will because he more than resembles Wolly Willy), not terribly unattractive but he did have some seriously jacked teeth. Does anyone remember The Simpsons episode where Homer needed to get Lisa braces and they showed him what her teeth would look like over time had she not gotten the braces??? They looked a lot like that, I feared for my life.

Like this but more severe

When I first looked at his Facebook profile, his relationship status said “Widowed,” and I was naturally like “Wowzers…that sucks.” And that is not exactly something you can just bring up in every day convo like, “So your wife died, what’s that like?” so I never brought it up. It turns out it really wasn’t that big of a deal…his ex-wife is alive and well. She did cheat on him but maybe let’s not pronounce her dead on Facebook for all the world to see that you are crazy as shiiiiittttt. Turns out, he tells people she is dead too. Nice. Stable. Of course I didn’t know that he was mentally killing off exes until our one and only date.

He seemed okay at first. He’s from Ohio so he didn’t have the best, most optimistic look on Memphis which I get, but that doesn’t mean that I want to hear about it or that I won’t punch you in the face for it. He’s an archaeologist which, interesting, he was also very smart which I do like, however…enough with the trying to make me look stupid. Hey, I am all for being called out for being a dumbass, it happens a lot and I am fine with that, and we all know that I am the first to poke fun whenever the situation presents itself. However, when you are on a date with a girl, maybe don’t try your damndest to make her look stupid??? Just a thought. And then when you tried to make me look stupid time and time again, don’t take offense when I tell you to go fuck yourself. Which I did. A few times.

If there is one thing I could not care less about, it’s supplements. Sure, I take vitamins and such here and there and lots of people love their supplements and I would never take that away from anyone. With that being said, don’t tell me about them. I don’t need for you to go into minute detail about which supplements you take in the morning, afternoon and night. I don’t need to know which ones bulk up your pecks and I really don’t need to know which ones keep you regular. I also really, REALLY don’t need to know how much they cost you.

Large Pet Peeve this jackwad exposed me to: Talking constantly about how much everything costs. Wow I cannot tell you how much I don’t care that you could pay your rent for months if you sold your watch. I also don’t care that your entire ensemble that you chose to wear on our date can’t be found in the city of Memphis because “I don’t see how Memphians could really afford it…” and maybe don’t ask me how much my (super cute) boots cost and when I tell you say “Oh, that’s funny, they don’t look cheap…”

We met at a bar at 8:00, I was ready to go by 10:00 but I stayed until 12:00 to be nice. I was already done with this dude and I could not have gotten out of there any sooner but he did pay (though I did offer) and I felt obligated to at least hang out for a minute or two. I now realize I should have run far far away upon sight because Will was mentally unstable, far beyond my imagination.

I left the bar at 12:00 to head home, he did not. He stayed and continued drinking, by himself, at a bar on Saturday night until 4:00 in the morning. How do I know this? He called on the way home. Seven times. Seven times in about 40 minutes. Each time he called, he left a voicemail telling me what he was doing. Each voicemail was at least two minutes long. So I have about 15 minutes of voicemails from this crazy fucker on his drive home telling me how much he liked me and how he can’t wait to do it again and also about the Waffle House he just passed and how Waffle Houses are cheap and uncultured (wrong). Uhhh…

I was in no way surprised of his clinginess. During the date, it was more than obvious that I didn’t like him so he kept saying “You are going to throw me in the friend bin aren’t you?” (Ha ha, I would never keep him as friend. Ever.) He also brought up the idea of another date and I am pretty sure my face contorted into the most disgusted visage known to man and I thought he was going to cry. Seriously. Once it became known that I wasn’t interested, I thought he was going to impale himself on his horrendous teeth.  He also said more than once that he needed to enjoy the night while it lasted because “I will never see you again will I???” Dude was a fucking clairvoyant because I sure as shit never have and hope to never again.  

When I woke up that Sunday morning to seven fucking voicemails, I did the only thing that a sane person would do. I deleted him from FB and got rid of my okcupid account with a quickness. Never again will I internet date a stranger (it does work for some people and who am I to say that it wouldn’t work for me eventually? I think it is a legit way to meet people in this day and age and I applaud anyone that has the patience, self-esteem and open mind to actually carry out a relationship through it, I really do).

He texted after he woke up, acting as if nothing had ever happened and he asked if I wanted to hang out that day. My exact text response: “Look. I mean no harm but you are crazy as fuck and I think it would be a good idea to lose my number and never speak to me again.” He was dumbfounded (of course) and he asked why. I explained to him, again, that he is crazy and that he left me seven voicemails in 40 minutes. His response: “I was drunk so I honestly don’t remember any of them, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

Better chances of getting into my pants: This kid

I can’t make this shit up people, not at all. Needless to say I have, thankfully, never talked to him again. I did get a FB message later that day of him crying that I deleted him from FB and how I hurt his feelings and how he was “devastated.” I didn’t respond but if I had it would have said something like this: I think they have a really expensive supplement for that.