Asshole Monday: Rain (duhz)



That doesn't look so bad...



Alright everyone in the tri-state area should know that rain was going to make an appearance eventually.  Here is the thing, I don’t mind rain. Not at all. I hate it when I have to actually do something in it* but if I am just hanging out at home and we have power and there is no immediate threat to my well-being, I am fine with rain. Rain and I get along famously. But rain, I am saying this as your friend, you have been kind of a dick lately…

I woke up to a torrential downpour this morning and, since I am very stupid, the two umbrellas that I own were at my desk at work. So I ran to my car from the house this morning in my late 1990’s GAP anorak since I had nothing else to shield myself from the rain unless I wanted to carry a Spiderman umbrella, which I am not above I just couldn’t find it. Then once I got to work I had to dodge several deep puddles in flip-flops in my 1990’s GAP anorak to make it in the front door where I was 15 minutes late because traffic is horrible since no one can drive in the rain because everyone else on 385 that isn’t me is a fucking moron…this is when I fucking hate rain.




Okay that looks a little worse...


Let’s talk a minute on all this flooding, shall we? We have all been under high flooding alert or whatever for what feels like a month now. I get the feeling we are all supposed to be waiting patiently for the Mississippi River to engulf everything for hundreds of miles and kill us all. Does anyone else get that same sense of impending doom that we should all be terrified of all this flooding??? Flooding is no joke, but I am not that worried about it. Am I wrong?

Nevermind...


Really the rain is just too much. It’s all too much. The sirens are too much. The constant weather updates are too much. Dave Brown is too much. The constant threats of end-of-the-world flooding are too much. Too. Much. So, enough already, man.

And if I am going to be honest here (when am I not?), I am really just sick of the constant bitching about the rain. There were people stuck on roofs during Hurricane Katrina that didn’t bitch as much as Memphians do when they hydroplane once on a random Tuesday. The rain wouldn’t be half as bad if everyone would nut-up and deal with it. There isn’t a fucking thing we can do about it so let’s enjoy it while it’s here (says the girl writing a blog calling a weather pattern an asshole).

We already know what is going to happen once the rain is officially gone…it’s going to be hot as a mother fucker outside, humid as all hell and it won’t rain again until September (I am almost positive that “Heat” will be an asshole one of these Mondays as well) oh Memphis in the summer... there is nothing like it (I take that back, if hell does in fact exist (it doesn’t) it would be a lot like Memphis in the summer, I feel certain).

So while rain is being a huge douchebag asshole here lately, it is needed. Maybe not quite so much, but rain is a necessary evil for functioning human life so let’s all just enjoy it while it’s here but if you feel the need to curse it the fuck out every now and again, you  have my blessing.

*True story: In college (yes, I went. And even graduated, huzzah!) I wouldn’t go to class in the rain, unless there was a test or something. I just took a personal day every time it rained. No, I do not know how I graduated.