Thursday, April 28, 2011

This week on Facebook

This weeks pic comes from TWOFB superstar, Jason

Really people with the Grizzlies statuses? Really? Where the fuck were those statuses when they sucked? Where was your die-hard fandom? It’s all I am saying.

sorry for anything you may have gotten from my facebook last night. it was not me – I always, always find it funny when people get their Facebook jacked (or “fraped” as it is sometimes known). Cracks my shit right on up. Although, I feel that one day it is going to happen to me and it won’t be so funny. What is not so funny is this, this appeared as a status on the wifey’s fb:

Hey everyone...this is ____ . I love my wife ____ so much! – Wowzers. If this is not the worst kind of status raping, I don’t know what is. And now that we are on the subject of husbands and wives…don’t share facebooks. Just don’t. I could not think of anything more ridiculous and co-dependant. It’s bad enough I have to look at your children in your profile picture since you have no self-identity or self-worth and now you are sharing a facebook with your spouse?

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -  You learn from your mistakes... or you should learn from them... sometimes we keep doing the same stupid stuff. u hear the little voice say don't do it but u turn off your hearing and do it anyway.. Lord give me the strength to walk the right path – and please give him the strength to get those pesky voices on up out of his head.

Dave Brown was pretty much rocking the shit in status updates this week thanks to the refuckingdiculous amount of storms in the area:

- Dave Brown just shat himself and started weeping on live TV. Think this storm's gonna be a bad one....

- Thank goodness Dave Brown is risking life and limb to drive to the station.

- OMG Dave Brown bobblehead. I want it

FB Statuses Done Right:

- I've decided to start growing my own food. Anyone know where to get a Dorito tree?

- There is Murphy's Law, there is Newton's Law. Things go wrong and then they fall down on me.

- I planted a tree today. You're welcome, Mother Nature.

- I bet the Gleetards were upset that their show wasn't on tonight, if its any consolation, you are now straight.

- Since Easter is the rebirth of Jesus why isn’t it treated like a second Christmas. With that said I'm pulling out the tree and my stocking... and liquored up egg nog. I may even go caroling in the building, that just depends on my second Christmas spirit. Let's make this happen... trend setting is awesome.

- pill form steroids taste like a hooker's ass pennies. I'm not talking about a high class call girl, but a dirty, crack addicted, hepatitis infested street walker.

- We put a man on the fuckin' moon but we haven't figured out how to make Theraflu not taste like burning dragon piss...

- there are too many pregnancies on facebook, let alone in the Memphis area. I have found a solution. Groupon needs to have a deal on tubal ligation and vasectomies or great deals on the abortion pill. I'm a genius.... I need the nobel prize for that idea. COUNT IT!

- Traffic was a breeze this morning. Why didn't they crucify Jesus every Friday?

- Parenting 101: make kids pick out semi healthy dinner, then pick a pretzel from Auntie Anne's for my dinner.

- Just saw Napoleon Dynamite running down Madison.

Send all Facebook Fuckery here.


D.P. said...

I'm killin' it! I expect this morning's Red Cross status to make the cut next week.

Regarding the Grizz:

"It is also completely unnecessary to suffer several days' emotional devastation just because your team loses some big postseason deal like the Super Bowl. Why on earth would you place your happiness and peace of mind in the hands of several dozen strangers? Listen, folks, if they win, fine; if they lose, fuck 'em! Let 'em practice more. As for you, for Chrissakes find something to do! Get your ass down to the massage parlor and spring for a blow job." - George Carlin

That's basically my stance. When they win, it's fun and the whole city gets in the spirit. So I'll join the fun. When they's not fun. So why the fuck would I waste my time or get invested? They're entertainers. I'm barely loyal to my wife, why do I have to be loyal to a sports team? I don't even know those overpaid motherfuckers. Win and I'll care. Otherwise, I don't. Use it as motivation.

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