Wednesday, April 6, 2011

You're Welcome Theater*: Slither

Okay so you know those movies that you can watch any time? They are your favorites and no matter how many times you have seen them, you can still sit and watch it. Whether it comes on TV or it’s a DVD or whatever, it’s a movie that you always enjoy? I have a lot of these movies and a number of them I am sure that lots of people have never seen. So from now on, here and there, I will be reviewing these movies. Well reviewing and basically gushing about how awesome they are and how everyone should watch them to better humanity. So here we go. First up, Slither.  

“My easy-going nature is gettin’ sorely fuckin’ tested.”

When I tell people that Slither is one of my all-time favorite movies I get the same reaction every time: “Really???”  Yes. Really. The story is preposterous, the plot is littered with holes, and it’s disgusting. It’s the second most disgusting movie I have ever seen (the first: Gummo) and that is saying a lot. I tend to be drawn to movies with gore and blood and guts but this one takes the cake in disgustingness. But it is also funny, entertaining, well-acted, well-written and all-around awesome and so much fun. To put it in over-used terms of the modern day, this movie is WINNING. Duh.

“If I weren’t about to shit my pants right now, I’d be fucking fascinated.”

And (!) Nathan Fillion is in it. The man can do no wrong. If an actor was ever in an episode of Buffy (or the lesser loved, Angel), that gets you a certain pass from me and I will like you in whatever you appear in.

Here is the story, but the story really doesn’t matter: Grant Grant (yes, that is his name) is a dickhead.  One night his much younger and much hotter wife, Starla (Elizabeth Banks), refuses his sexual advances and since he is just a colossal cunt waffle, he goes out to the local bar and picks up the town skank. Now, I am not one to say that women can’t have casual sex like men or that women who have numerous sexual partners are sluts, but if you saw the movie and the bar-rat that I am speaking of, you would call her a skank as well.  Grant picks up Town Skank and despite the restrooms, janitor’s closets, bar stools and vehicle backseats that could be occupied in order to get a piece of strange, they choose the woods to get it on. While they are in the woods, Grant finds the meteor that landed in the woods moments earlier and, since this is a bad horror flick, he pokes the meteor with a stick. A parasite bug looking-thing jumps out of the meteor and Grant is then infected with a parasite that will eventually turn him into a squid-like telepathic alien with phallic leprosy and a taste for household pets. How fun, right???

“He looks like something that fell off my dick during the war.”

After Grant infests Town Skank with his alien-slug babies, he disappears leaving the town sheriff (Fillion) and a slew of other hilarious townsfolk to hunt him down to stop him from mutilating livestock and from then on everything goes to shit, as you would expect. You see the townsfolk that look like they really do belong in some Podunk-ass town and you can’t help but think to yourself, “Wow, you are all so dead…” Did I spoil anything by telling you that mostly everyone will be dead? No. You should have known that already. It’s a movie about alien slugs attacking a town and turning everyone into zombies, what did you expect?

“Praise Jesus?! That’s fucking pushing it! This shit’s about as far from God as shit can get! Either of you ever seen anything like that? You even heard of anything like that? Huh? Me neither. And I watch Animal Planet all the fucking time!”

If you like funny, gross, ridiculous “horror” movies you will not go wrong by watching Slither. Back when I had movie channels, they would play it on Showtime (I think) a lot and I would re-watch over and over again thanks to the beauty of DVR. I have since purchased the movie for all of $4.00 from Best Buy a few years ago and I have no shame in saying that I would have paid much more. So go watch it. If you don’t like it or even chuckle here and there during the movie, is probably means that you have terrible taste in all media and it’s just not a film for you. For everyone else, you guys are cool! Stick around, I have many other gems to tell you all about.

Age I would let my nephews watch this: I would be lying if I said Garrett hadn’t already seen bits and pieces of it, but they shouldn’t be able to watch it until they are at least 12. I think 12 is good. It’s not scary in the least but it’s very gross and insanely vulgar. After the opening credits the first words spoken are “Move the fuck out of the way, cocksucker.” And that is where Garrett learned the term “cocksucker.” That is also where I made him stop watching.

*working title, taking suggestions.


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