Asshole Monday: Weddings

I just can't with any of this...

As we all know, I am not one to turn down a blog idea. If someone actually takes time out of their day to send me an email or text or chat or whatever, I will happily look it over and more than likely it will be a blog, I love my fans, what can I say? (If you have an asshole for Asshole Monday, please send them here.)

Today’s Asshole Monday is one of those suggestions.

I have a small confession to make, I hate going to weddings. It is one of my least favorite things ever. But I go because I feel like I have to. You went to the trouble of finding my address and writing it down on an envelope. My name is on a guest list somewhere and I say in all honesty, I am touched, seriously. You thought enough about me to invite me and weddings are not cheap so if you thought enough about me to not only invite me but to pay for me to eat and drink, I am going. It is the least that I can do. However, I probably don’t want to be there. No offense to you or your wonderful husband/ wife whatever, I just hate weddings. It’s not you, it’s me. And I won’t say that once I get to your wedding, I won’t have a blast. It’s just getting there and actually going that I dread. I am an awful person, this is not news.

Look. I was married once upon a time and I am sure I was an annoying bride, I honestly have no idea and I have tried my hardest to mentally block out of all my super annoying tendencies back in the day and that was also some years ago so we will go ahead and say now that I was probably a huge douchebag about it, I have no doubt (and please no one remind me of how I was around the time of my wedding, I assure you, I do not want to know). We all have our moments. But I do know one thing, my wedding was fun and I only judge that by everyone being drunk and everyone dancing like complete morons. That, my friends, is the make of a great wedding (to me, at least).

Brides, I have something to tell you. It may sting, in fact it may sting a lot, but I have to say it now…No one cares about your wedding. Sure, your close friends and family absolutely care. I am sure it is a great day for everyone close to you and that many, many people are very happy for you as well they should be, but those details you care so much about…no one gives a fuck. And unless your wedding was one of the handful of monumentally awesome weddings that I have been to of my close friends, I am not going to remember hardly anything about it.

Planning a wedding is super stressful and if I hadn’t had a very competent friend to help me with virtually everything, I would have been far worse than I actually was so I don’t blame you girls for being such assholes about your wedding. But all that shit your are stressing about…no one cares. Let me list now for you a few of the things that you can forget about right now that NO ONE will notice, remember or care about:

-         Your bridesmaids: Yes, they are your friends, family, etc and you love them dearly and I am sure they are all honored to be standing up there with you. But as far as their hair/ make-up/ accessories/ shoes/ dress color/ dress style/ dress length, no one cares and no one is going to notice. Put those bitches in a black dress and call it a day. They will thank you later.

-         The music accompanying your ceremony: I could not tell you one song that was played at any wedding ceremony that I have ever been to. Ever. The music, and kinda the ceremony as a whole, goes in one ear and out the other. You could play anything and I wouldn’t care, mind or notice. As far as the reception goes, go ahead and play Sir Mix A-Lot and let’s all go on about our day.

-         Flowers, much like the music are insanely forgetful: I couldn’t tell you about one flower arrangement or one bouquet I have ever held. Never. Flowers? What are those?

That is just the tip of the pointless wedding iceberg, but I think I touched on the main ones.

Let me break it down for you friends, and I am being completely honest and sincere, if you want a successful wedding and you want everyone to have a good time and look back on your wedding fondly I have the one and only suggestion that you will ever need to hear. Forget about the wedding favors, and the sparklers, and the bridesmaids’ dresses, and the bubbles and every other thing that no one will care about or remember. There is just one thing that you need to have and everyone will be happy, and that thing is: An open bar. Trust me. It’s worth the money. It is the ONLY thing at a wedding that is worth the money. Open. Bar. Take that to the bank. Everyone will thank you later, I promise.