Thursday, April 21, 2011

This week on Facebook

"Not to alarm anybody, but there's a gigantic 50ft stink bug terrorizing Cordova. Just a heads up."

I have recently become involved in a married couple’s day to day conversations, not by choice. This person is about to be hidden with a quickness but I didn’t know they were a hider at first, you know? I am pretty sure this couple only speaks to each other over Facebook, when it is 8:00 at night and they are both commenting on things that their children are doing right in front of them. Maybe turn to your left or right and tell your spouse what you are thinking??? Just a thought. There is absolutely no need to carry on with your conversations about resetting the bedroom and the microwave clock after the power went out momentarily (I am not making any of this up). And then, no, AND THEN we get a running list of everything that their children pray for at night. Everything and written in a child’s vernacular. It’s just too much. I am a fan of posting crazy things that kids say. Kids are funny as hell and sometimes the thoughts that come out of their brains are hysterical. But they aren’t all gems, I assure you. Sometimes kids say stupid things that no one cares about. It happens all the time. And I hate to tell you that it is happening with your kids on a nightly basis. Enough.

Violent + Visually-striking + Action & Adventure - Your taste preferences created this row. Don't you judge me, Netflix. That was a pretty thought-provoking status that I am going to expand on now: I try and not judge people as a whole.  However, if I ever judge, it would probably be from a person’s Netflix queue. You can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to watch in their spare time. So let’s take a look at what my Netflix Taste Preferences created: Quirky Romantic Sci-Fi Fantasy, Violent Psychological Crime, Campy Dark Emotional Comedy…I sound like a violent emo cutter with a sense of humor, judge accordingly.

Okay do you ever hear a word or phrase out of the norm that you don’t normally hear every day and all of a sudden it is everywhere, like “WTF?! Why is everyone using that word all of a sudden?” Here you go: starting to get sleepy:( only 6 more hours! And i cant get the outsiders out of my head now! Stay gold Pony Boy! That is the FOURTH instance that that particular Outsiders quote was used from my fb friends this week. It’s insane, no? What is up? Has The Outsiders been playing on TV a lot lately or something? What is going on, exactly?

This person was wrong: Grape jolly ranchers are disgusting, FYI! – Grape Jolly Ranchers are the bomb explosive.

There was a pretty bad storm Tuesday night and, of course, everyone had to update their statuses. I applaud all those that were creative about it:

- ‎"What's the weather looking like out there, Ollie?"

- Tornado last night. I woke up in Oz this morning. Turns out it's exactly like Memphis, except there's no electricity. Way overrated. *clicks heels*

- Dear sweet power.... I need I've never been in need of you before. Please come back to me before I wake. I desperately need you to charge my phone to wake me up for work. I don't think you leaving me will be enough for them to excuse my tardy. Please come back....I'm sorry. I won't take you for granted anymore and things will be different this time. I promise!

- Tough to sleep with this siren in my ear, but thankful for safety! Probably going to sleep with boots right by my bed juuuussst in case. (True story: Every time there is supposed to be a really bad storm while I am sleeping, I put my bag (some people call it a purse) and a pair of shoes by my bed).

FB Statuses Done Right:

- So, Lucretia Huxtable just made me an administrator of an "ipad 2 research page." I'm going to go ahead and call this one sketchy.

- "Yeeeeaaah! Whooooo-hoooo! Monday! Hell yeah!" - no one, ever.

- I own a ridiculous number of red t-shirts. I need to go kill a Crip or something.

- I just want to be a majestic unicorn for one day. I heart unicorns.

- My beard is more fierce than yours. I look like bigfoot and Jesus had a baby.

‎- 1 in 750, its like winning the shitty lottery. I blame monster truck shows.

- Little drunk and watching clint eastwood. Fed a stray cat a 6oz filet and gave the dog baked potatoes. All while wearing a balloon hat. Fuck you Tuesday, i win

- I once tried to take the high road but it led to me having to be a decent person, so I stick to the douchey low road.... much easier. Ignorance is bliss and fish tacos are gross. In the words of the great philosopher Jason Snell... Count it!!!

- Gregs guys.....doin it!!!!!!!

- [BEGIN cryptic song lyric status update] "It's been a long time comin' but I know a change is gonna come." [cryptic song lyric status update COMPLETE]

- Friday. Night. Lights. (Okay so not comically genius or anything, but simple and it gets the point across. More people should watch this show)


D.P. said...

Damn, I got representing 5 times. A new record! I'm proud. Also, I'm so stealing the Ollie status next time it storms.

D.P. said...


Sherrie Bee Bop said...

Maybe I just got a jank jolly rancher but that shit was terrible. And I love grape stuff! Especially, grape juice bars. Minute Maid bitch. With a paper towel wrapped around it so my hand doesn't get cold.

Stacey Garrett said...

Sherrie, I chuckled audibly at "With a paper towel wrapped around it so my hand doesn't get cold." Ha ha, Classic Sherrie.

Daniel, I hate to admit this, of course, but you're actually a very funny dude.

Post a Comment