Wednesday, April 13, 2011

You're Welcome Theater: Final Destination(s)

The first one is my favorite

 There have been four of these movies made already and they are working on a fifth and I could not be more pumped. But you can pick any of the previous four and be just fine. No need to catch up or watch anything in order, you know what is coming regardless.

Most people scoff at my love for the Final Destination movies, but I care not. And some may refer to these movies as their secret shame/ guilty pleasure. To these people, I say cowboy up and admit that you like them already. There is no shame in liking ridiculously bad movies. No one judges here.

These movies are my jam. I never tire of rewatching them and they have easily withstood their awesomeness throughout multiple viewings.

Let me say now that they are all bad movies. I am not trying to convince anyone that there is cinematic relevance here.  There is none. They aren’t even good horror movies as they have no suspense, surprises or fake-outs. Everyone you see will die and you are even given the order they will die if you pay attention which you don’t have to.  

The plot is simple; there is no plot. A character at the beginning of each movie gets a premonition from God, Lucifer, Sam Winchester, whoever, of everyone around them dying a terrible death and that person freaks out and everyone they just saw die manages to escape their imminent death…momentarily. Everyone in the movie dies except, maybe, the person and their love interest. But usually they bite it too and you are left with all characters dead. That may be disappointing to some but you have to understand that every character in these movies is terrible and you could care less whether they live or die.

That is not going to end well for either of you...FYI

Everyone you see on screen is going to die. And not only that, they are going to die comically terrible deaths. And it’s awesome. Where else can you see someone get hit by a bus and a speeding ambulance, impaled through the eye with a fire-escape ladder, decapitated by elevator doors, burned alive in overheated tanning beds, and drown in the deep end of swimming pool while their internal organs are being sucked out by a pool drain? No where else in any other movie, I assure you.

Some movies you might feel saddened by the death of a main character but with Final Destionation you are usually greedily staring at the screen with your fists clenched yelling, “Die, bitches, die!” Ok, that’s a little extreme but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. Just think of all those people that you wish death upon throughout your day. People you can’t stand like douchebags who listen to Creed or Nickelback, or uppity self-obsessed soccer moms with huge SUVs…you get to see these die awesomely bloody. Or maybe you’re a well adjusted person that doesn’t wish death on douche nozzles that wear diamond encrusted horseshoe pinky rings, but you should. It’s healthy to wish harm upon others, I swear.

Seriously great (read: entertaining, not award-winning) movies that are fun for the whole family (maybe not). Give em a gander, you won’t regret it, but if you do, you only have yourselves to blame.

Age I would let my nephews watch them: Not any time soon. If the language was better, I might say 10 or so but it’s pretty terrible, not to mention gore every which way you turn, so maybe 12. I might always just go with 12. And Garrett has seen bits and pieces of a few of them, but I won’t let him sit there and watch them, no.


Sherrie Bee Bop said...

My favorite is the first too, mostly because I love Devon Sawa and I'd take it up the butt from him. Ali Larter too.

My favorite part of any of these movies though is a toss up: the girl that gets impaled through the face with the pipe vs. the kid at the dentist who gets smushie smushed by that pane of glass. Fantastic.

Stacey Garrett said...

Really there are just so many great moments in these movies that they are hard to really pick and choose. I don't so much have the love for Devon Sawa like you do, though. Sorry, boo.

Sherrie Bee Bop said...

You also probably did not watch Casper 22 times a day when you were a preteen like I did. And then that movie, something about wild something, with Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Devon Sawa, and that other guy. Pretty sure that's about the time I started masturbating.

Sorry, took that one too far.

Stacey Garrett said...

Sherrie, I have a few questions for you. 1. who was the other guy? Was it Mike Vitar? It should have been Mike Vitar 2. How long have you known me? There is no such thing as "too far."

I LOVED Casper! it was my favorite! I could probably still quote the entire damn thing. I need to get that for the kids...

Sherrie Bee Bop said...

1.Scott something. Imduhbuh it. ( 2. Good point.

3. Casper made me think of Now and Then. Devon was in that too. Ever see it? AWESOME movie. I put it on my netflix q.

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