Thursday, May 26, 2011

This week on Facebook: Vacation Envy

Very slow week on FB and if I had actually been paying attention this week like I was supposed to, TWOF would have been much better. Whoops! Next week, I promise!

Crazy that it's been 15 years since Bradley Nowell died. – Bradley Nowell would be the lead singer for Sublime. I am old as shit. I actually remember him dying and was like “Whoa, I love that date rape song,” and now I find out via FB that it has been a long ass time, a child with a learners permit amount of time, since he died. OLD.

The weeks most popular status subject: Vacations                

To be honest, most vacation statuses aren’t my favorite and nary a one of them was original enough to post and if I were to say things such as “jelly” (which I most certainly do not) I would say that I am super jelly of everyone that gets a vacation. I have not had a vacation since labor day weekend 2009 so I am about due but when I will actually get a vacation remains a mystery to me. Maybe one day…

Religious Fuckery: (guys, I seriously did not want to put a god section in this every week because this is not that kind of blog but you have forced my hand with all of this. I feel I make fun of Christians enough but when they go back and read some of their shit do they not often think to themselves, “Okay this does seem a little silly…”??? I mean, come on.  If I have to read one more god status, I swear to god…)

I seriously don’t even know what to do with this:

When everything seems2go wrong,when the job gets u down,when people dont react the way U think they should,when Ur money looks funny&the bills are due,&when U ask the question,when is my ship coming in?(as I often do),just PUSH!
If Ur life is going just well&Uhave nothing going wrong,just remember U are trulyBLESSED&U2should continue2PUSH4even better blessings

I hope to a metaphorical god that this person is praying for a space bar and the strength to use it. As if god didn’t appear enough on FB, there is this:

If you believe in God, re-post this! Please don't ignore, you are being tested. For It says In the Bible, "Deny Me In front of everyone, I will deny you in front of my Father".......

*Sigh*. Here is the thing… really? I don’t know how many times I have to tell everyone that if god does exist, he surely doesn’t have a Facebook nor does he give a fuck what anyone says on Facebook. There isn’t some great prophecy that says “Thou shalt honor thy father on social networking sites.” There just isn’t. Enough with this. I have seen that status WAY too many times. Where is the status that says, “Shoving religious beliefs down everyone’s throat is a serious problem plaguing the world of Facebook. If you don’t believe in god and would like everyone to shut the fuck up about it, repost this.”

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -   

Oh how I love a vague status. Especially when they spell foreboding:

Learning when to throw in the towel.

I really don’t think there is more of an attention whore move (I should know, I am one) than posting a vague status. How many messages or comments or wall posts do you think this person got because of this status? I am going to say a lot. People want to know what you are talking about and they are of course going to ask. Why wouldn’t they? You put it on FB, it’s fair game. Maybe next time, nut-up and spell it out for everyone. You may find that tacky to put what you are really throwing in the towel for but it is no different than fishing for questions and sympathy, I assure you.

Statuses done Right (sorry, they are very much lacking this week. Send some in!):

- I just don’t understand how I’ve become so gangster.

- "SIKE" - Jesus.

- I might be the only one left in Dollywood after the rapture

- Had a dream I worked at Walmart. Ugh.

- My ex is here. Awkward as f.

- short term memory is officially MIA, oh well, who needs it anyway. Helps me forget the children I steal from, except I would like to remember where I put their tears.

- I got raptured, apparently none of you other suckers did, what did you sinners do!?!?!? Heaven is awesome WiFi and cell service... there is my rapture joke, now lets move on.

- Strippers in real life are never as hot as the ones on TV.

- I have a terrible case of status block. I bet this is how Ernest Hemingway sometimes felt.

- Swerved out of the way to save the life of a bunny, this morning.

- Y'all, I'll be the first to say Lady Gaga sucks. Really. Her songs have a nice dance beat, but she is just crazy.


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