This Week on Facebook: Special Edition

Special Edition means something that I need to say now that can’t wait until Thursday (or tomorrow but I actually started this fucker on Tuesday). Well it could but thanks to my adoring fans, Thursday’s TWOF is going to be huge and I have a lot to cover. So why not go ahead and talk about this now?

Monday, I posted a hilarious status (aren’t they all???) among all of the “Praise Jesus for killing Bin Laden” statuses referring to rednecks across this great nation of ours no longer being quite so pissy at Obama since the man that took Bush years to find (and never did, and even said it wasn’t a priority) was finally captured and killed (there are a multitude of pretty good Bin Laden statuses that you will see Thursday). I thought it was funny and hard to take seriously but just mainly poking fun at stupid country ass fuckholes that are in abundance down here. Apparently, they don’t take too kindly to that. Or at least a couple of them don’t.

You all know that I cannot resist making fun of people, especially when those people are super, super dumb. Now I am not being intelligence racist, here. Some of my very best friends are stupid. But sometimes I am in awe of all the stupidity and ignorance and I have to say something. Just something no matter how futile. It’s kind of like yelling at a small child when they cover the refrigerator in crayon drawings. They don’t know any better but you are the dumbass that gave them the crayons in the first place. I try my hardest every day to keep the crayons away from racist, ass-clown morons but sometimes I just have to. To see what they do. What did they do? They wrote all over the goddamned refrigerator again.

You know those people on Facebook that you can’t stand but you don’t want to delete them because you are lazy so you just hide them from your news feed and you kind of forget that they are around? Well Monday I was reminded of why two of them are hidden and why you should never, ever prod a moron.

Look, I know not everyone likes Obama. I get that. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I like him, I voted for him and I will vote for him again. I also feel the need to defend him and his actions, kind of like my loyalty to Harry Potter (Yes, I just compared our president to an imaginary wizard, go with it.). When people talk smack about the HP, I immediately go on the defensive and I come to his aid. He is a fictional character and even if he wasn’t, my defending him would be just as meaningless. But I feel people need to back up off him, he is doing the best he can. Voldemort is dead, after all, so he can’t be all bad! I feel the same way about Obama. You lay off my president as well as my favorite wizard!

So when I am STILL hearing comments (STILL!) about how all Muslims are terrorists and that Obama is a Muslim…Excuse me, your racism is showing.

I am not saying that all Obama haters are racist. Far from it and that would be very simple minded of me to think so, however don’t even try to tell me that a number of his haters aren’t close-minded bigots. They are and you can’t deny that.

And so when I got trolled by two extras from Deliverance, my first instinct was to ignore. You never, ever feed a troll. Ever. That is what they want. But I couldn’t help it. Sometimes you have to fuck with the idiots, it makes things interesting. With that being said, I am about to be real mean up in this bitch. I kept it off Facebook because I would be doing the same thing that I can’t stand, but this here is my blog that I can do whatever I want with. So I now present to you my running commentary on their comments and profiles, because I am a dick, that’s why:

Just so you know when you hear reasons of “Why they hate us” you are the physical embodiment of everything bad thing that America is known for, like jerking off to Fox News and hiding your huge close-minded, ignorant hick boner at the mere mention of Glenn Beck. I also wasn’t aware “red blooded American” was a political affiliation but I am sure Joe the Plumber is pleased. How you found someone that wants to be married to your fat American ass is beyond me but for the love of all free-thinking Americans, never procreate. There is enough stupidity in the world and it really breaks my heart to feel sorry for a child that gets stuck with douchers for parents. Wowza, did I just read this; “I don’t like liberal people because they are the reason American has become to [sic] civilized.” I think I did and I will wait here while you tell me what the fuck that even means, if you know what it means which I doubt you do. And I am in no way surprised to find the “Books” section completely blank but…not even the Bible??? Come on! Don’t tell me that is not your favorite book. And, really, “I fucked her” is a comment you made on my status days after the fact when engaging in small talk with a regular person? Classy! And very respectful of women! I am sure your fiancé is pleased. Oh wait…can she read? She can’t read, can she? Does she complain when you make her wear your Bill O’Reilly mask while she fucks you from behind with an oversized strap-on? I bet if she hasn’t yet, she will.  And go ahead and thank her now for letting you put the flaccid fuckery that makes up your dick anywhere near her. Woman is a saint! Oh and I also see that one “participates in truck pulls frequently,” my need to comment further just left me…

I will now share a damn fine comment on my status from Monday from reader (I think) and FB friend, Matt. It should close this out blog out nicely as it was said perfectly. I don’t know if this is from Matt or from somewhere else (it sounds familiar, I could google, I will not) but he posted it and I am sharing it here:

There are four rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body; and never defer to facts when you have some dumbshit rhetoric you can repeat like a parrot instead of thinking for yourself. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

Mmmmmmmm cream cheese….

He's pretty cute. You can't deny that.