Monday, May 9, 2011

Asshole Monday: REALLY Bad Dates

You know what you never hear about? Crazy dudes. Like really crazy ones. They exist, I assure you and I have found a couple all on my own in the wild. That being said, here is where I will tell you about my brief, horrifying experience with internet dating.

Upon the suggestion of my dear friend Sherrie, on February 1st I signed up on (it’s free. I have never paid for sex and I won’t start now).  I did up a half-ass profile and answered a few questions and, BAM, I was ready to “internet date” or whatever the fuck. By February 6th, my account was disabled. Because of one seriously crazy dude and one phenomenally bad date.

Let me say now I did this purely out of boredom and sheer curiosity. Just to see what it was all about. And I thought it would make a pretty good blog topic. I’m a whore for my craft, what can I say? True story: After I went out with this dude, it was said to me after relaying the story to Daniel, “Well at least you have an asshole for Asshole Monday,” indeed buddy, indeed. At first, I was hesitant to write about this dude but I think enough time has passed now that there is no way he is reading this (And if he is, I need some info on restraining orders).

It takes a very large asshole to make fun of someone for things that they probably can’t help like their teeth and their awful personality. I am that large asshole so I am going to go ahead and do that here.

His name was Will (we are calling him Will because he more than resembles Wolly Willy), not terribly unattractive but he did have some seriously jacked teeth. Does anyone remember The Simpsons episode where Homer needed to get Lisa braces and they showed him what her teeth would look like over time had she not gotten the braces??? They looked a lot like that, I feared for my life.

Like this but more severe

When I first looked at his Facebook profile, his relationship status said “Widowed,” and I was naturally like “Wowzers…that sucks.” And that is not exactly something you can just bring up in every day convo like, “So your wife died, what’s that like?” so I never brought it up. It turns out it really wasn’t that big of a deal…his ex-wife is alive and well. She did cheat on him but maybe let’s not pronounce her dead on Facebook for all the world to see that you are crazy as shiiiiittttt. Turns out, he tells people she is dead too. Nice. Stable. Of course I didn’t know that he was mentally killing off exes until our one and only date.

He seemed okay at first. He’s from Ohio so he didn’t have the best, most optimistic look on Memphis which I get, but that doesn’t mean that I want to hear about it or that I won’t punch you in the face for it. He’s an archaeologist which, interesting, he was also very smart which I do like, however…enough with the trying to make me look stupid. Hey, I am all for being called out for being a dumbass, it happens a lot and I am fine with that, and we all know that I am the first to poke fun whenever the situation presents itself. However, when you are on a date with a girl, maybe don’t try your damndest to make her look stupid??? Just a thought. And then when you tried to make me look stupid time and time again, don’t take offense when I tell you to go fuck yourself. Which I did. A few times.

If there is one thing I could not care less about, it’s supplements. Sure, I take vitamins and such here and there and lots of people love their supplements and I would never take that away from anyone. With that being said, don’t tell me about them. I don’t need for you to go into minute detail about which supplements you take in the morning, afternoon and night. I don’t need to know which ones bulk up your pecks and I really don’t need to know which ones keep you regular. I also really, REALLY don’t need to know how much they cost you.

Large Pet Peeve this jackwad exposed me to: Talking constantly about how much everything costs. Wow I cannot tell you how much I don’t care that you could pay your rent for months if you sold your watch. I also don’t care that your entire ensemble that you chose to wear on our date can’t be found in the city of Memphis because “I don’t see how Memphians could really afford it…” and maybe don’t ask me how much my (super cute) boots cost and when I tell you say “Oh, that’s funny, they don’t look cheap…”

We met at a bar at 8:00, I was ready to go by 10:00 but I stayed until 12:00 to be nice. I was already done with this dude and I could not have gotten out of there any sooner but he did pay (though I did offer) and I felt obligated to at least hang out for a minute or two. I now realize I should have run far far away upon sight because Will was mentally unstable, far beyond my imagination.

I left the bar at 12:00 to head home, he did not. He stayed and continued drinking, by himself, at a bar on Saturday night until 4:00 in the morning. How do I know this? He called on the way home. Seven times. Seven times in about 40 minutes. Each time he called, he left a voicemail telling me what he was doing. Each voicemail was at least two minutes long. So I have about 15 minutes of voicemails from this crazy fucker on his drive home telling me how much he liked me and how he can’t wait to do it again and also about the Waffle House he just passed and how Waffle Houses are cheap and uncultured (wrong). Uhhh…

I was in no way surprised of his clinginess. During the date, it was more than obvious that I didn’t like him so he kept saying “You are going to throw me in the friend bin aren’t you?” (Ha ha, I would never keep him as friend. Ever.) He also brought up the idea of another date and I am pretty sure my face contorted into the most disgusted visage known to man and I thought he was going to cry. Seriously. Once it became known that I wasn’t interested, I thought he was going to impale himself on his horrendous teeth.  He also said more than once that he needed to enjoy the night while it lasted because “I will never see you again will I???” Dude was a fucking clairvoyant because I sure as shit never have and hope to never again.  

When I woke up that Sunday morning to seven fucking voicemails, I did the only thing that a sane person would do. I deleted him from FB and got rid of my okcupid account with a quickness. Never again will I internet date a stranger (it does work for some people and who am I to say that it wouldn’t work for me eventually? I think it is a legit way to meet people in this day and age and I applaud anyone that has the patience, self-esteem and open mind to actually carry out a relationship through it, I really do).

He texted after he woke up, acting as if nothing had ever happened and he asked if I wanted to hang out that day. My exact text response: “Look. I mean no harm but you are crazy as fuck and I think it would be a good idea to lose my number and never speak to me again.” He was dumbfounded (of course) and he asked why. I explained to him, again, that he is crazy and that he left me seven voicemails in 40 minutes. His response: “I was drunk so I honestly don’t remember any of them, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

Better chances of getting into my pants: This kid

I can’t make this shit up people, not at all. Needless to say I have, thankfully, never talked to him again. I did get a FB message later that day of him crying that I deleted him from FB and how I hurt his feelings and how he was “devastated.” I didn’t respond but if I had it would have said something like this: I think they have a really expensive supplement for that.


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