Thursday, May 5, 2011

This week on Facebook

The FPOTW (Facebook Picture of the Week) is between a text convo with excellent battery life:

And a broken toe (I love you, Jennifer!):

Alrighty, you know what is coming first. I am curious to know who the first person was, upon finding out that Osama was dead, that scrambled to facebook to post about it? I didn’t even know about it until I checked facebook, how sad is that? Anyway, bin Laden is dead statuses:

- Man, the internet is on fire tonight. It's like 300 million comedians spent the last 9½ years fine-tuning their bin Laden material, just waiting for this moment. Loving it!

- Febreze Air Effects: Lavender Vanilla and Comfort. I may not be the smartest man in the world but when did comfort become a smell. My smell must be best described as creepy. PS. Osama framed O.J

- Favorite tweet of the day: They buried Osama the same way they buried Megatron in Transformers.

- I gotta be honest, if Obama doesn't eat bin Laden's raw bloody heart on live TV during the Super Bowl halftime show, I'm going to be a little disappointed.
BREAKING NEWS: "Donald Trump demands to see Osama bin Laden's long-form death certificate."

- Now if they could just fix this whole recession thing...

- I bet Michelle Obama is gonna be walking pretty funny today.

- Congrats, Bin Laden! Enjoy your 72 virgins. I hope that all of them look like Borat's first wife...

No onto other things:

Just in case you were wondering..... Coconut twix are not very good! – I wasn’t wondering but I SHOULD have been. Coconut Twix? Where do I sign up? That sounds delicious to me!

I just want to cry... but then I wouldn't be able to see and I am driving. Life sucks sometimes – no but you would be able to see the fb status that just you updated while driving.

Heading out with parents for a much needed relaxing night......  And then we have the baby mama drama: That's funny _____. I thought you had no money for our child's baby furniture but you can go to the casinos?? Well good luck! Pretty sure that is funny and fucked up in a lot of ways. I do find it entertaining as shit when someone gets owned on Facebook for not even remotely thinking about people reading things they shouldn’t know. Like this idiot. You know the mother of your child (who doesn’t seem too fond of you, btw) is friends with you on facebook and needs child support (obviously) yet you still chose to tell the world that you are going out to the casinos with your parents to spend your child support money. Well played, crappy father!

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -   

To me, there is nothing sadder or more pathetic than really desperate chicks bitching about “boys” on a social networking site. My heart aches for morons at times, it really does. Here are a few gems from one girl:

"This girls ready for some fun and some sunshine!! Youll find me where theres jacked up tailgates and sweet southern drawl with big tan muscles"

"Boys are stupid. If you forget they will remind you. A southern girl knows the only man she can depend on is her daddy"

"Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont be needing him again"

Now, this was sent to me so this girl is not a friend of mine but I have looked at this girl’s profile and I have some news for her: it’s not because you bitch about being alone in a public forum, or because you seem like an overbearing crazy girl, or because you have some pretty legit and obvious daddy issues, none of these things are the reason why you can’t find a “dependable man” it’s because, well, you’re orange. Jersey Shore Orange. That shit is not hot.   It’s not you or your personality (though that does seem to suck as well, a little), it’s your skin tone. It’s grody. However, if you want an Oompa Loompa or The Situation to smear your bronzer colored face on every night, you are doing it right!

Statuses done Right:

- Nice skin yarmulke Ginobili...

- Beer fridge, you make my heart sing.

- Pretty sure I'm gonna be the guy who dies in a car wreck because he was trying to dump the last few crumbs from a Pringles can into his mouth at 80mph.

- if Memphis floods does that mean George Bush still doesn’t care about black people?

- "ahswcfsjhgkdsjlgfgasdsdhjashdfjfhkasjdfhfkasdfjkasdfkjhadjfkhet nmfsadhcwqloelkrerieuyytrfnee,dcdncbxvxsadskfghohghldfs" - Helen Keller. How's that for inspiration.

- trying to make the world a little less gross day by day. In other words I just hand bathed a hobo.

- Damn I thought 2011 was going to be the cats pajamas , instead its worse then when I went to space camp and my parents let my turtles escape.

- May the 4th be with you. (god, I'm such a nerd) ;)

- Rice cereal is a sham.

- "My biggest flaw is that it can be frustrating to find flaws in me. Like right now, I'm trying to think of one and it's frustrating me"


D.P. said...

Seriously, that spider...what the fuck is wrong with that bitch?

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