Asshole Monday: Getting Fired

Note: I have NOT been fired.

I have been planning to fall back on this a while ago when I was without an Asshole so here we are. This is the story of how/ why I got fired in July of 2009. The original post was on FB. Please keep in mind this was days after I got fired and I was PISSSSED. It was basically to answer everyone’s questions of “What the fuck happened???” so I put it all out there.

The company name has been changed to an acronym for something else that still has a lot to do with that company, FML, and the names have been changed to what these certain people were called behind their back or, if I liked you, it’s just your initials. And I have gone back and changed a few things up to make it a little more coherent, and it wasn’t near vulgar enough:  

Okay, so a long time ago when BM and MC were fired there were some facebook comments that I made. NONE of which were false (I am willing to bet for-real dollars that we do make less than McDonald's employees). FML being of the "We are flawless" mentality didn't much care for their employees speaking the truth. I was told that certain people were pissy about it and disgusting Amazonian, Skank Barbie started asking her employees if they had ever had anything bad to say about FML on their facebook. You know the personal website where you keep up with your friends that has zero to do with work? Yeah. That. Someone was "monitoring" facebook and tattled. Awesome. Adult! (And by the way, I made $16.80 an hour. Do with that what you will.)

So yeah. A month or two went by and nothing happened. Then they hired this uppity red headed cunt named Red Headed Cunt. We hate Red Headed Cunt. We were not asked to meet her before she was hired (this is probably because they interviewed and hired her before BM was even fired, classy.) We didn't even know she had been hired until she started. We are all aware of their want to keep EVERYTHING secret. Especially dumb secret things that don't matter. I honestly think they are so vain that they think everything they do is flawless and wonderful and we should all be kept in the dark before the awesomeness goes down. Not so much.

Anyway, Red Headed Cunt? She hates me. From day one she has HATED me. For one, she is a germaphobe and who has the messiest desk in the building? We all know that is me. She is also a fan of slacks (gross) so she pretty much hated everything I showed up for work in. Which, WHO CARES? We are a failing (type of business deleted). Do I need to dress professionally when I don't even have a real job in the first place? I am going to say no. She kept going on about how we needed to appear "professional" in front of all the bankers that are constantly in the building. Bankers? I can't be certain but I think she was referring to the accounting department.  

I also have purple hair and visible tattoos which I know that the majority of management is disgusted with and the ones that don't act disgusted are just trying to be the cool kid in class and "fit in" (like Rat-Faced Punk Ass, the largest pussy I have ever had the displeasure of knowing). So she hated what I wore, what I looked like and my attitude. I have an attitude??? That is the most ridiculous fucking thing I have ever heard.

I got one warning about my attitude because Titty-Baby Retard complained to Red Headed Cunt that I was being rude because I corrected him on who did a certain vendor. And I was also scolded for leaving at 4:00 twice in three weeks. Red Headed Cunt said that my leaving at 4:00 (even though I worked a full 8 hours both days) was becoming habitual. I am sorry, Red Headed Cunt. Twice in three weeks does not a habit make. Moron.

I knew she hated me. The feeling was very much mutual. Red Headed Cunt is one of those bitches that you want to fail and actively wish harm upon. She sucks and I say that with the utmost sincerity. She. Sucks. I have met my fair share of crappy people but this bitch takes the shitty-person cake. All of it! And then checks it for germs! Let me provide you with a few examples:

She threw out EVERYTHING that BM had. Every pen that BM ever held, she threw it away. She demanded a new headset. She demanded a new keyboard. She cleans her desk EVERY DAY. She complained of how "nasty" it was over there on her first day in our department after having just met us. I have not seen her do one productive thing since she started. She also loves a deadline. She wants to give you a deadline for a price list that you don't even have the pricing for yet. It's not happening. We all know this. It gets done when it gets done. And was she willing to lift a finger to get this done any sooner? No. Of course not. She went over our heads with everything we told her. She gave us the same ridiculous dress code that Skank Barbie implemented after her first week. Also, we had some things hanging up at our desks. Signs and such that we made for ourselves over the years and we hung them up. She took them down. ON HER FIRST DAY! We came in on Tuesday and everything that she didn't like was taken down and thrown away like we would never notice. Nice.

And that is just the tip of the frigid bitch iceberg but I am not here to talk about her…

Okay so Tuesday. I got fired. FYI. So they called me down to the executive conference room at 9:00. I walked down the hall and as I passed DP he mouthed, “Are you in trouble?" and I was rolling my eyes like “Of course!" I thought I was either fired or this was about me telling Rat-Faced Punk Ass that a certain procedure that the prestigious sample committee implemented was the dumbest thing I have ever heard (still is). So Red Headed Cunt leads me into the conference room and HR is already sitting there. Duh. I am getting fired.

HR says "We have decided to terminate your position." My exact response, "Awesome" and I think I gave a thumbs-up. Red Headed Cunt did not say one word the entire time and she was only in there for less than a minute. And then HR said that Red Headed Cunt was going to go get my bag and stuff and I said "I would rather she didn’t. Can I at least call KB to have her bring my stuff."

And they said no. I wanted to tell them right then that KB and JD were probably well aware that I was being fired at that exact moment (they were). So I had to fight to get all of my stuff off my desk that I needed right then. Red Headed Cunt brought it back to me and as she was doing so, she dropped my keys and jacket on the floor. Did she pick them up? Negative. I then stormed out of the conference room, almost knocking down EP in the process. I was pretty fucking pissed/ furious/ rage-filled. I marched off and down the stairs and through the showroom when I saw BD and CM at their desks, I slapped the counter and said "Pleasure working with you ladies I just got fired." And then I stomped into Will Call and I saw EP again and said "Nice working with you..." as I stormed out. Oh, just so you know, I got no severance. I basically got a big ole "Get the fuck out."

On Wednesday I went and got my stuff and they wouldn't even let me go to my desk. They had Red Headed Cunt pack all my shit up along with KB. And KB made sure that everything was there. (Except for all of my pens! I want my pens.) Also on Wednesday morning before I went to get my stuff, I fashioned a shirt that said "Fuck You" in bright green letters (see above). I chose to wear it when I went to pick up my stuff. I happily walked through the building with it on. Was it childish? For sure. Was it professional? In no way. Did it feel good? That it did. I am not sure if anyone read it or not but that really doesn't matter. I said what I wanted to say without having to say it. And, really, fuck them.

If they had given me some reason to be professional and trusted their employee for 10 plus years to get her things from her desk, then maybe I would have behaved differently. But if you are going to treat me like a child then I am going to act like one. And I have been treated like a toddler for months so I felt it necessary.

Here is the kicker: Guess who they are replacing me with. Useless White Trash. Yes. The bitch we kicked the fuck out of our department years ago because she hurt her wrist four years ago and needed to take intermittent sick leave so it could heal for four fucking years. And when you thought everything was healed, you then had to deal with all of her family problems starting but not limited to a suicidal daughter. Yeah. That is a fabulous idea. You know the bitch that didn't work a full week for 4 months, let’s bring her back. She was awesome. Excellent move, FML. However I am pretty sure Useless White Trash works at FML for Food Stamps so I really can't blame them for wanting to keep her around.

And then Red Headed Cunt told KB and JD that she would be doing my job as well while they found a replacement to hire. Excuse me while I crack the fuck up. Apparently, Red Headed Cunt thought I was disposable and my job would be easy peasy. KB said Red Headed Cunt sat in front of my computer all day long only to just change prices on an old flyer I created in January. I also had a conference call with KB and JD today on the hilarity of them trying to figure out my job since NO ONE knows how to do it. And I don't even have any notes. Everyone else has a book that details their job. I have no such thing. The only notes I have on my job are still in my mind (and will probably, sadly, be there forever).

I predict two things happening in the very, very near future: one, LW is going to lose his shit. He is patient for a while and then he loses it. He loses it on whoever isn't getting things done. And I am pretty sure that he doesn't like Red Headed Cunt anyway so that is only going to add to it. Two, Red Headed Cunt is going to cop her snotty attitude with DR when he goes ballistic on her when things are so fucked up from me not being there that it all goes to shit. Because does anyone know who runs his two favorite reports? That was me. Are there notes on running these reports? No. No there are not. HEEHEEHEE.

So yeah, I got fired. I was and still am pretty annoyed about it. However, I have absolutely no doubt that it was for the best. I was so miserable and unhappy and I was looking for a new job anyway. And when Red Headed Cunt came to my desk to walk me Spanish down the hall, I was actually updating my resume on my work computer and saving all of my good flyers onto a flash drive for a portfolio. I hated Red Headed Cunt and I pretty much hated every manager in that building and I came and went with a scowl each and every day. I will burn that mother fucker to the ground one day…once all the cool people are outside.

I think my new job is going to be writing an expose titled "The Cubicle Mindfuck of Corporate America." If anyone would like to contribute your FML experiences let me know and I will include them. I am so completely serious. I am a better writer than Backwoods Dumbass; I guarantee you that right now. So go ahead and send em in.

Update: Red Headed Cunt was fired three months after I was and then she went to work in retail where she got fired once again (I am guessing???) for being a Red Headed Cunt. And I also need to say that I have a job now and it is awesome.