Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dear Glee, Fuck off. Love, Memphis

I hate Glee, we know this. The last episode was about sex education (I think?) and within the first few minutes, The Goop said something along the lines of 90 teens getting pregnant within six months at Frayser High School here in our great city of Memphis.

Apparently, the people of Frayser are pissed. They want an apology from her about it. Teen pregnancy isn’t the coolest but it will probably be around until the end of time. It’s unfortunate, but it happens. Ninety teenagers getting knocked-up in six months at the same school??? Maybe concentrate less on a television show and more on showing your kids how to work a condom or how to take birth control?

I do not think that The Goop owes Frayser an apology. For one, she didn’t write that. The writers of that terrible show wrote it so why should she be penalized for reading off a script? She shouldn’t. Should the writers have to apologize? Not at all. It happened. It’s news. It was even on the Today show. But, the apology isn’t the point I am trying to make here. My point: You quit with the Memphis smack talk!

Okay, so we had one of the worst mayors in the history of all time. We also can’t keep our schools in order and we are known around the world because of vast amounts of corruption and violent crime. All of these things are true (even though we are now the 12th most violent city in America! Winning). We have all kinds of seemingly insurmountable problems. But I can point out all the ways that Memphis sucks. You can’t. I am a native Memphian and I will say this with pride. Outsiders are not, therefore, shut your dirty whoreish mouth.

You see, I can talk shit about Memphis. I live here, I have earned the right (Okay, technically I have spent the majority of my life in Bartlett, I lived in Southaven for a few years and now I live in Collerville, but still. No one knows what those places are so I just say “Memphis’). Others? Not so much. It just isn’t cool.

Let me throw an example at you:

Growing up, my sister and I both had a pretty severe case of buck teeth. We sucked our thumbs much, much longer than we should have (I was 12…I know). Christy and I are four years apart so the only time that we were ever at the same school together was when I was in first and second grade and she was in fifth and sixth grade. We rode the bus because my parents didn’t have time to be fucking around with taking kids to school. One day when I was in the second grade (Christy was in the sixth), there was a girl (an ugly one) on the bus talking shit about my big sister and her buck teeth. For some reason, Christy wasn’t around that day (and I am not even sure she knows this story) but there this bitch was having a laugh at my sister’s expense. Not cool. So me, in all of my seven years, spoke up to this girl who was at least ten:

“Shut-up! That’s my sister!”

Not exactly a third-degree burn, but I was seven. I remember this girl looking at me, very puzzled. She wasn’t sure what to say back to this seven-year-old who just took up for her sister so she did what I said and she shut-up. I never heard another insulting word from this girl again.

You see, I can talk shit about my sister’s buck teeth. I can point out her flaws in a mean-spirited way. I am her sister. I grew up with her and I lived through being her little sister. I have earned the right to insult her. Other people have not. The same goes for Memphis.

If you have lived here all your life excuse me while I step aside so you can get on your soapbox and publicly lambaste our fine city. You have earned that right. Knock yourself out. I will even help you down. But if you haven’t, I am about to act exactly like you would expect a Memphian to act and scratch your eyes out (or shoot you) right after I rob you blind. Don’t test me. I’m from Memphis (Bartlett)!

And this is sort of off the subject but not really: If I ever hear any non-graduate of the University of Memphis ever, EVER call it “Tiger High.” I will cut a bitch. With a shiv. Nothing infuriates me more. And has anyone ever noticed that the very people that call it “Tiger High” didn’t even go to college?! You can fuck right off.


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