Monday, March 7, 2011

Asshole Monday: Guest Blogger Chris Davis

I am not above a Guest Blogger here and there, even when I am sitting in front of a computer and perfectly capable of writing one myself, but sometimes the old mind, she draws a blank.

And that is why I have friends. I got several good ideas from my dear FB friends (gas prices, ketchup packets, no-personal-space havers, that dickhead that is trying to condemn women for having miscarriages), but I don’t have the hatred in me today like other days. Blog reader (I think) and internet friend, Chris Davis took over today’s Asshole Monday. Chris is a nice boy that I have known for years but only hung out with once. He gets a little ragey from time to time (don’t we all?) and he needed to vent. Everyone be nice to him and show him some comment love (like no one ever shows me). Anyhoo, here is Chris (edited by me for spelling and grammar, you’re welcome):

Here are some recent losses of temper. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

SUV soccer moms

I realize there are some moms out there who have multiple children, and thus need a large vehicle to cart them and their portable DVD players around. However, if you choose to attempt to repopulate the Earth one kid at a time, and decide to buy a Tahoe or some other tank-like vehicle, please for the love of Ray-J, LEARN HOW TO WIELD THEM.

No one asked you to buy that vehicle, and I’m pretty sure no one asked you to have a bunch of kids. BEFORE you expose the world to your shortsightedness, learn how to pull into and out of a freakin’ parking space. Go to an empty parking lot and set up cones or something. It’s ridiculous that I have to wait for you to do a fourteen point turn because you are driving a vehicle that you cannot handle properly. And to the lady I had to wait on at Harris Teeter on Sunday, you got some cajones looking at me impatiently while I looked at you impatiently.

Oh, and if you ARE going to attempt to cruise around in your 3 ton family room-on-wheels, get off your cell phone. I promise it can wait.

Editors note: My sister has one of those giant Tahoe XL things that she can barely drive. It is ridiculous. But that might just be because she is a bad driver. But she does have the large family, and she needs to tow around two kids, a husband and a nanny, so I don’t blame her for the large vehicle, but you are right. She needs to learn how to drive it, or just learn to how to drive in general. At least it’s not a Hummer....oh and you said “teeter.” That’s what we call the male reproductive organ around our home.

Guy at the gym with Hot Girlfriend Disease
Dude! Stop staring daggers at me. I am not ogling your girlfriend (with whom you are working out with, as in, the same exercises and everything, and you keep giving her tips, which is almost as annoying as PDA). And if I were, you really can’t get THAT pissed since she is wearing the tightest possible clothing to work out in... and may or may not have awesome legs. Just sayin.
Editor’s Note: I don’t go to the gym, so I will let you have this one. But people actually work out together with their significant other? Dumb.

The guy who directed Let Me In
Long drawn out shots don’t equal buildup of tension. Pick up the pace a little. You almost had a great movie.

Editor’s Note: I blame you for this one, Chris. You should have never seen Let Me In in the first place. You need to watch Let the Right One In. It’s the original and much, much better version of Let Me In. Watch that instead.

Nervous Laughers
I realize this may just be me being intolerant of others' weaknesses, and Lord knows I have a bunch of my own, but I just can’t be around people who giggle when they are nervous. It makes me see red.

Editor’s Note: Damn, Chris. You’s a dick! Why don’t you hate on people for having asthma or turrets or a nervous tick. Geez!

A big thank you to Chris for helping me out today! I really appreciate it. And if anyone else out there would like to take over one day, I will happily hand over the blogging reigns to you. It’s not as easy at it looks (it is).


Holly said...

Per your request, here is some comment love (or hate) for your guest blogger. I am a nervous laugher. I hate it about myself, so please keep your nervous laugh hatred to yourself. I also get unnecessarily embarrassed for other people. It makes watching reality TV a real challenge for me.

Good job on the guest post, Chris Davis. You made me laugh (and not in an annoying, nervous way).

Stacey Garrett said...

Holly, I don't think I have ever heard you laugh nervously so I am going to say it isn't something you do a whole hell of a lot of. So you're good.

And I get so embarrassed for other people. To the point where my face reddens and I have to hide.

The Mean Beene said...

But Holly has a good laugh which hides the nervous laughter.

What up C-Dav?! I've seen the rare meat heads and their girlfriends working out together and WTF is that all about? Insecurity on both accounts, yo.

Stacey Garrett said...

C-Dav if you happen to read this comment, this post gets hits all day long. It's well surpassed a number of my POPULAR blogs. It's doing very well.

You should try it again...just saying.

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