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Thursday, March 31, 2011

What the Fuck is a Rhombus?


Who was the 23rd President of the United States? What is the capital of Vermont? Calculate the area of this triangle. What is the name of the largest bone in the human body?

These are the kinds of questions you get on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?, a mind-numbingly ridiculous show hosted by a comedian who's biggest claim to fame is redneck jokes and being out-funnied by everyone else on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, including Larry The Cable Guy, which has to sting at least a little bit.

Fuck this show, and here's why:

Not knowing the answers to these questions doesn't mean you're dumber than little Timmy the 5th Grade Pants Pisser. Nobody in Timmy's class likes him anyway, I promise. Jeffrey the Bully sits behind him in math flicking his ear, every fuckin' day. Timmy's gonna grow up bitter about it and shoot up his school during his sophomore year, only to go down in a hail of police gunfire. Which, I suppose, is sort of a cool way to go out. But for now, there's nothing cool about Timmy. Fuck Timmy, Timmy sucks.

Sorry, I get sidetracked.

A bunch of little fuckin' Timmy's.


In school, only the first formative years (where you learn reading, writing, spelling, and basic math) are scholastically important. Hear me out here. Those basics are the things you need to know in order to not spend your entire life asking if people want fries with that. What the fuck is wrong with you? Of course I want fries with that. See how stupid you are?

Once you hit, let's say, 4th grade, they begin filling your head with shit you will NEVER use. When is the last time you had to figure out the area of a rhombus? How often do you divide fractions or use letters in your math? When's the last time you used a goddamn Bunson burner?

I'm not saying that kids should just quit school after 3rd or 4th grade. But I will say that all of the knowledge I use in my every day life, all the information that I use to get from day to day, I learned 95% of it outside of the classroom and through experience and living. Most of the "learning" you do in school (especially in high school) will never apply to your adult life.

The most important things people learn in school are structure and social skills. The book learning, the tests and shit...forget it. By all means, try not to fail. From kindergarten to your graduation, school sucks wall-to-wall. Lord knows you don't want to spend more time than necessary there, so don't prolong it by repeating years. Nobody wants to be that 20 year old senior. And read. Read read read. But read for fun. Broaden your mind, don't waste your time reading the books in your history class. Most of that is watered down bullshit anyway. The true history of this country is way more fun and bloody than they make it out to be.

Be social. Most of adult life involves wheeling and dealing, talking to people, making decisions, reading people and understanding motives while creating your own. That's not something you learn in a classroom. That's the kind of thing you learn in the hallways, during lunch, and on weekends. It's the kind of thing you pick up by experience and dealing with people.

So could I answer all of the questions on that dumb fuck show? No. But could that 5th grader negotiate thousands of dollars off a new car? Could he impress in a job interview? Does he have the self-confidence necessary to fuck a chick, get caught by his wife, and have to explain his way out of it with a straight face? No. Kids suck at lying.

But I can do all those things. Probably. I hope. Basically, I'm just saying, fuck Timmy and fuck Jeff Foxworthy.

2 comments:

Stacey Garrett said...

Daniel, that is all just plain not true. You need a Bunson burner and basic chemistry knowledge if you are going to cook meth. You can't discount an entire profession like that.

D.P. said...

Some jobs require specialty training (chemist, architect, meth chef, etc.) That's what college is for.

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