This week on Facebook

People! Post more pet pictures. Look at that sweet face!

It was a slow week on the FB this week but I tried my hardest to bring you the most ridiculous/ funny/ winning I could find.

Probably the most exciting thing on Facebook this week (well, to me and a select few other people) was Carol had a baby! It was minute to minute updates on when he was going to get here. We were very excited for our dear friend, Carol. We love you Carlo (that was supposed to be Carlo)! Congrats, you guys! Now let’s work on getting a lot of baby pictures up. Please and thank you.

Ok now onto the fuckery:

It was a beautiful day outside on Wednesday as noticed by everyone. And today, if no one was aware, was colder than normal. Someone even had to bring their veggie sprouts inside. Riveting.

I now cannot unknow what a “blue waffle” is. DO NOT GOOGLE IT AT WORK. Actually, no, don’t google it at all. I hate you, Sherrie. We are no longer speaking.

Lots and lots of people continued to “work-out” and lots and lots of people continue to not give a fuck.

There is a shrimp burrito at taco bell now and this could not make me want to vomit any more. If the beef is only 30% beef, what do you think the shrimp is made out of? Sea monkeys? Probably sea monkeys.

For the love of all the Petes, please stop making your profile pictures a kissing picture unless it is an adorable photo of you kissing a baby or something. But you kissing your significant other: Stop it. You’re goobin me out.

You might believe in ammunition, but I believe you are a severe douche-nozzle moron.

On my post of last weeks’ Keepers, I got a pretty great comment from sometimes-guest blogger, Chris Davis in response to the bully video that was posted: That is exactly what I will instruct my son to do: "Son, if you are getting punched in the face by some punk, hurt him. Bad. A body slam into the concrete is perfectly acceptable. Then calmly walk away like a badass. We will give you money when you get home." 

Facebook statuses done right:

I installed a stripper pole in my apartment, and all I figured out is I look awesome wearing a man thong and glitter.

Afghanistan. Iraq. Now Libya. If we can get 7 more wars on our punch card, do we get a free sandwich or something?

That was at least 14-too many Oreos. Irrelevant

The house 6 houses down from me got busted having a meth lab in it.

I would like to offer a sincere fuck you to everyone who played a hand in me having to be at work at 7:30 today.

Just got a glimpse of my I'm-about-to-sneeze face in the mirror. Whoa.

I ask fat girls "when are you due?'' to make them self-conscious to lose weight. Helping people is my favorite thing.

Is so cool she listens to bands that don't even exist yet.

You get AIDS from dead hookers right?!?! That's what my elementary school teacher taught me and that fish sandwiches are the most erotic food ever!

Last week on Facebook