Asshole Monday: Gwyneth Paltrow aka The Goop

Sometimes, not always, Asshole Monday doesn’t really inspire a whole lot of piss and vinegar from me. Some days it is more of a point and laugh “Check out this fucking asshole…” kind of thing. Today is one of those days.

I don’t so much care about The Goop either way. I am pretty apathetic to anything Goop related. But you have to admit, she is indeed an asshole. An insufferably tight one. And I started to just say “She named her kid ‘Apple’” and be done with this whole post but I owe you all a bit more than that.

I have been calling her The Goop and some of you may be wondering why…Well she started a website in 2008 for other pretentious assholes like herself. It’s a weekly newsletter where she teaches stuffy people with way too much money how to spend that money so as not to look or eat or entertain like us common folk.  Because heaven forbid anyone be caught dead eating greasy peasant food with their children.

I will not link to her site. Just Google “GOOP” and it should pull up for you. I had to go there today to research for this post. You are all welcome. Do you see the things I do for my 12 readers? If I start wearing seersucker and boat shoes you have no one but yourselves to blame.

In a newsletter from February she sends parents to certain places to get children’s clothes. Much to my chagrin, I found the clothes not only adorable but surprisingly not all that expensive. Way more than I would ever pay for children’s clothes, but not completely out of this world either. And I’ll be damned if she doesn’t support small business…bitch. Why are you making it so hard for me to make fun of your dumb newsletter?!?! Anyway, moving on. I must leave the newsletter now before I subscribe to it (I would never, come on now).

I have not seen Country Strong and I never, ever intend to but of the films that I have seen The Goop in, she hasn’t been terrible. Not great by any means, but also not terrible. She’s just kind of there. And she did play Margot Tenenbaum and that will always get her the teeniest bit of respect from me. But wow does she suck.

I hear lately that The Goop has been all “Wah, why don’t people like me? Wah!” and I have a feeling that her recent Glee appearances have a lot to do with getting people to like her (FYI, I would have liked you more had you made fun of Glee and said it was beneath you. Though she did say that she had never heard of Glee before appearing on it. I don’t know that I fully believe that, but I will take it. It probably pissed Ryan Murphy off and that is A-Ok in my book).  

You can just tell she is one of those people that’s all “Television? I don’t know what that is. Is that what we watch Masterpiece Theatre on?”

And if you are reading this, Goop, (she isn’t) I have to tell you something that you probably don’t want to hear: You’re American. No, you don’t live here but you are American. I know you feel you are above the country as a whole and I have no doubt that wherever it is that you do live is far superior to America in a lot of ways, but that is just where you live. You are from America. We are all fat and egotistical and unhealthy and broke and a lot of us are stupid and you, well, you’re one of us.

And all that money and fame that you have, guess why you have that? You may look down on television and the media in general but you are a part of it. You detest the very country that made you famous which is the dickiest of moves. So while you are looking down on us all from your ivory cunt tower know that we made you. We put you up there and we can knock you down (or at least try to).

And Goopy, honey, you are NO Martha Stewart. Believe it or not, I like Martha Stewart and I have no doubt that I could hang out with her and she would be awesome. I am fully serious. You do not hold a homemade candle to Martha Stewart nor will you ever. Stop trying to be her. You will never be that cool.