Fucking Juice, How does it work?

This is where I tell everyone what I plan on doing for the next few weeks/ months/ whatever and everyone reads politely while simultaneously taking bets with themselves on how long I am going to stick with this before I grow tired of it. A day, a week, years, who the hell knows? 

But yeah, juicing (not steroids). Ever heard of it?

I watch too many documentaries about food. One that was brought to my attention recently: Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. 

The premise: an overweight guy (not fully American if you can believe it, yay America!) is basically experiencing all kinds of diseases and terrible things so he goes on a 60 day juice detox/ fast to try and reprogram his system. Rebooting with micronutrients (Google it)! It involves a lot more than that, but if you are that interested, it’s on Netflix Instant. But the basics: drink juice, feel better. And who doesn’t want to feel better?

Do I feel like shit? No, I don’t. I noticed a significant change in the way I felt after giving up meat over a year ago so I feel pretty OK. In the documentary, dude wants to get off prednisone so he starts juicing for two months and he eventually gets healthy enough to where he doesn’t need to take it anymore. I don’t take any daily medications or anything as I have no need but I get headaches, I am dizzy a lot thanks to that rat-bastard vertigo and I feel like I am tired all the time. So I guess I could stand to feel better, so why not give a juice fast a try, right?

Now I watched this documentary and was not, in any way, planning on juicing. But the argument to do this is a pretty valid one. I have said before that I may be a vegetarian but I am not a healthy eating vegetarian so why not give that a shot? Also, it might help me lose weight! In the movie, he lost 90 lbs in 6 months on a two month juice fast and then by eating healthy for the following four months. I am nowhere near as big as he was and if I lost 90 lbs, I’d be dead but I have to think I will lose something, right?

Look how happy they look!!

It has also been called to my attention from my many, many IG fans (three) that I have not blogged in, like, forever so guess what is about to happen…

Yeah so I am going to blog about this. Someone out there might want to know how it is going, so why not fill them in.

What juicing blog posts will look like:

Concerns:  Is some shit going down in my body that I am not aware of? Am I pretty sure I am going to die from starvation? Am I seeing things not there (or am I seeing things that have always been there but never saw until l now???...)?

Bowel Movements: Every bit of info I have read on juicing says the same thing, “Shitting is an experience” so I am going to share that experience with you in the vaguest terms possible. “Within 30 minutes from the first glass” is what I hear…

So how are you doing on that juice thing?: Why don’t you just read the blog, duh! No but I will fill everyone in on how I am doing, etc.

Mood: As everyone knows, I love sugar. Love it more than a grown ass lady should. I have attempted to give it up before and I did not last long so this should be real interesting. Will I want to gouge the eyes out of everyone I see? More than likely. Would I cut a bitch for a KitKat? Probably, time is going to tell on that one.

Hunger: I feel like I am going to be hungry as all hell but from what I have read if you give it a few days, the hunger goes away. I don’t know, we will see and I will let you know. I may be on a Japanese paper diet before long.

Caffeine deprivation: I have some form of caffeinated beverage every day. Caffeine headaches are not my favorite but, according to the internet, I can cure a headache with carrot, lettuce and celery juice so maybe I won’t have an issue?

Energy: Will I have any? From what I have gathered it takes a few days to really get your energy going.

I have a feeling the first few days are going to be a hell bitch from hell. But maybe not? Keep reading every day to find out!

I am not doing this alone, either so that may help with my sticking with it. Michael* is going 30 days and I plan on going two weeks. I may go longer it just depends how I feel and 30 days seems like the longest amount of time ever. So yeah, we are starting our juice fast on Saturday morning (we felt it was a pretty solid idea to stay close to home the first few days for obvious reasons). And then we will see where it takes us from there.

So juice fast. Starting Saturday, July 30^th.  I drink nothing but juice for two weeks (maybe longer) and I blog about it. Everyone wins! Stay tuned! No really. Read my blog. Kthanksbye! 

* Why is Michael doing this, aka a vaIid reason: “I’m really doing it to help jumpstart my diet. Right now I’m eating too much junk and rarely anything with substantial amounts of nutrients. I’m hoping between reducing my sodium intake drastically, getting the correct nutrients, and losing some weight that eventually I might be able to get my blood pressure down enough to not take meds for it. There are other reasons too though. It supposedly helps you sleep better, clears your skin up and gives you more energy. So yeah, all that too.”