staceygarrett's CBRIII Review #6: HELP! A Bear is Eating ME! By Mykle Hansen

You know that guy that goes on and on about his car and all the cool things it can do and it has this many horses and heated seats and it goes this fast in this amount of time and it crushes smaller cars in its wake, but when something actually goes wrong with it, he has no clue of what to do with it? Like changing a tire and securing the jack???

Marv Puskin’s “Rover” has a flat tire and when he goes to change it, the jack slips and the car falls on top of him, pinning him under the “left rear independent axle” (whatever that is). Since Marv is now trapped under his Range Rover in the breathtaking nature of Alaska (which he constantly shits on, literally and figuratively) he has no way of escaping from the bear that approaches, gets cozy, and starts chewing on Marv’s foot.  

Marv took his team into the Alaskan wilderness for a “team building” exercise which involved killing bears so it’s only natural that the very black bear they set out to kill is now eating the team’s largest bear-killing supporter.

Marv is trapped under car with a smart phone so, naturally, he Googles “How to Survive a Bear Attack.” From then on, Marv blames everyone but himself for his situation; his fat wife who he loathes, his side-piece he brought along to bone when his wife falls of a cliff, his ad-exec “team” members, Google, Range Rover, the bear, Alaska, nature, etc.                       

In times like these, I will always root for the bear. In choosing between a human death and an animal death in movies and books, especially when the human is a dickhead, I will choose human.  The bear was being a bear, Marv was being an asshole. He even shortens words and anyone who shortens words on the reg should totes die of bear consumption.

This book was a super quick read, I finished it in a few hours. It also had me rolling, or in internet-speak, ROTFLMAO. It was funny and awesome and just an all around good time. I needed a break from reading about school shootings and drinking problems and cutting and being held captive. Sometimes you just need to read about an asshole getting what is coming to him and cackle at his well-deserved demise.