Monday, February 14, 2011

Asshole Monday: Do I even need to say it???

Come on, now. It’s February 14th. You know what’s coming…

It’s Valentine’s Day! DUH!

Now I can’t say that I hate Valentine’s Day. I don’t. Hating it would mean that I have some form of strong feelings for it and just I don’t. I can take it or leave it.

Am I bummed about Valentine’s Day this year, my first being single in years? Not at all. It is seriously just another day and a Monday at that. But that doesn’t mean that the holiday isn’t the slightest bit on the asshole side. It for sure is.

The one part of Valentine’s Day that I LOVE is the candy and the red and pink colors and hearts on cupcake wrappers, etc. SHOCKER that my favorite things on this day are food. But yes, I do love that aspect of this day. I love giving out stupid valentines and candy and heart-shaped whatever to family, friends, etc. Everyone should know by now that if something is juvenile, I will like it. A heart-shaped box of NERDS? All day long. 30 Hello Kitty valentines that come in a box for $1.99? Absolutely. Chocolates of any kind (especially if they are the crème-filled kind that everyone but me hates)? Bring it on. Serious declarations of love only on a day that is just another day? Not so much…

I am a firm supporter in surprises and gifts for the hell of it. If you love me and you want to keep me around the other 364 days a year, don’t save that shit for Valentine’s Day. Just…don’t (Let me say here that I have never been with anyone that has solely saved it for Valentine’s Day, but I know that I am fortunate in this). Where are the flowers on a random April 12th? Where is the box of candy on September 22nd? Where is the heartfelt cheesy card on March 3rd?

In my old age I now find flowers kind of ridiculous. They are super expensive and a little wasteful. Pretty? Yes. Practical? No. And I won’t lie and say that there wouldn’t be a little smile on my face if I received flowers today (I won’t), but they aren’t necessary. And flowers are easy. Like, the easiest gift ever. Easier than jewelry from Kay Jewelers. Where is the originality? Where is the “Hey, I know you pretty well. Here is something that I know you love.” I will give you an example:

My friend and former college roommate, Tracy (yes, Tracy and Stacey) received flowers and gossip magazines from her husband for Valentine’s Day. It was an adorable declaration that he loves her and he also knows what SHE loves; gossip magazines.  Something as simple as that speaks volumes.

Yes, you love me but do you even know me? Be original and heartfelt. But not just today, all the time.
SEE?! This is what I am talking about.
Speaking of unoriginal, where are all the annoying Valentine’s Day jewelry commercials? Did they waste all the really bad ones on Christmas? I know I have seen a few but not as many as around Christmas and I’m thankful for that. Just say no to bad, cheesy jewelry for every occasion but especially on Valentine’s Day. Especially if it’s heart-shaped…eww (I am looking at YOU Jane Seymour).

And please, for the love of Pete, proposing on VD (VD, heh) is something that needs to stop and needs to stop immediately. I can’t think of anything cheesier or more cliché. If someone proposes to you on Valentine’s Day, say no. I said you could. Tell him (or her) to ask again tomorrow. Also, if he puts the ring in food, just say no and tell him to ask again never. I just saved you from marrying the most unoriginal asshole in the world. I saved you from a lifetime of Kay Jewelers. You’re welcome.

What would I want for Valentine’s Day if I had someone? Shoes. Always buy me shoes. I will love shoes all the time. Of the (very few) serious boyfriends I have had, they have all bought me shoes and I was ecstatic about it. Size 6 ½. Get on that. All of the readers of my blog each pitch in $1.00 and I might be able to buy a pair or two of Old Navy Flip Flops (which I love). My love language is shoes. I am fine with it. Oh, and candy. Never forget candy.

So to all my single and taken assholes, Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope it was un-monumental as all Valentine’s Days should be. I hope you all got gossip magazines, or shoes, or a pocket knife, or a LOST action figure. I hope that the person that gave it to you, be it your child, mom, husband, girlfriend, actually knows you well enough to know what would make this insignificant day for you.

And from the bottom my heart, my dear readers, I love you all and I do every day, not just today! Thank you for reading! These are for you:


Slevin said...

Forget Valentine's Day. Today is Singles Awareness Day for the other half of the country.

Dusty Nelson said...

The worst part about Valentine's Day is that us guys can't just buy flowers and hand them to you girls. No, we have to pay $25 for delivery so everyone in your office can see the flowers you got today.

That is just one of the reasons you girls are assholes.

Stacey Garrett said...

Oh Dusty...what kind of bitches are you dating?! haha!

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