Monday, June 13, 2011

Backdoor To Chyna: An Analysis

Chyna is the name of one of pro wrestling's most well known female stars. I use the term 'female' loosely because in her heyday, she looked like this:

To her credit, she got jaw surgery, fake tits, and quit doing steroids so she's not quite THAT horrendous anymore, but it's all semantics really. Bitch ain't cute. So with that in mind, she's now decided to move on to full fledged porn. It's not her first rodeo. A few years ago, a homeade sex tape was released and that was horrifying enough. But this is honest to goodness professional shit here. Five scenes, shot from multiple angles. In high definition.

Reviewing this shows my dedication to my craft. I'm not this dedicated to my wife.

So let's review this shit, shall we?

- SCENE 1 -

Chyna is interviewed outside on the porch of a house with the Hollywood sign visible in the background. Kinda. It's blurred out. Of all the things that NEED to be blurred in this movie and they chose a goddamn landmark. *sigh*

The first scene is a 3-way lesbian scene. The 2 poor unfortunate girls who signed up for this are clearly weighing the difficulty of kicking meth against the shame that comes from burying their faces in Sheeva's snatch. Meth wins out and we get down to awkward, hesitant business. A dildo gets brought into play as everyone does a bunch of faked, over-the-top moaning. I assume it was fake. In my experience, women don't shudder to orgasm when a hand brushes against their chest but hey, maybe I'm doing it wrong. One of the women earns her paycheck and then some when she puts tongue to asshole on Chyna. Look, I'm an ass-man myself. I've licked an asshole or two in my day but I'm not sure there's a high enough caliber gun you could point to my head that would make me go down that road with Chyna.

Okay, so I survived that one....

- SCENE 2 -

Starts with Chyna just sorta standing there in what looks like a wrestling ring in a dungeon, slowly getting naked while looking really uncomfortable. She has big fake tits with nipples that look like they've been chewed on by beavers and a beaver that looks like badgers built it. Also, she has a huge scar on her stomach, but to the best of my knowledge (and Wikipedia), has no kids. Maybe she just got a C-section for the thrill? Is that what the kids are into these days?

Anyway, one-on-one scene here, her and some dude. There's not enough Viagra in the world man...

Somehow he musters up the courage to not only have sex with this woman, but give her the royal porn star treatment. He even picks her up and spins her upside down for a standing 69 at one point (I could not stop picturing Undertaker delivering a tombstone piledriver here). God bless this man. Being a male porn star is pretty high up there on the list of dream jobs, because 99% of the time, they get paid lots of money to have sex with beautiful women. But that other 1% is a motherfucker. Anyway, the scene ends in the normal porn way, and that's when it really hit me. I was a HUGE wrestling fan growing up and I just watched one of the biggest female stars in wrestling history take a load on the face. Fuckin' surreal man...

- SCENE 3 -

My will is weakening.

The scene kicks off with another interview, and then we move on into another one-on-one scene with her and some guy who drew the low number. First thing I notice here is this chick's ass is busted. I mean, don't get me wrong, Chyna is fug no matter which way you cut it but it wasn't like this in the first two scenes. But here, she's got some sort of ebola rash outbreak happening on her ass. Seriously, did Eli Roth direct this fuckin' movie?

And the guy she's fucking? Evan Stone. Goddammit man, I respected you...

To Chyna's credit though, she can actually deep throat. She took Evan Stone to the balls, that should count for something right? Maybe not. Oh God, there's anal! CHYNA IS GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS, FOLKS!! Never heard Good Ol' J.R. call that one. There's even ass-to-mouth, which is only acceptable when it's Rosario Dawson (see: Clerks 2). Evan Stone keeps telling her "Don't stop." Fuck that shit. Stop. At this point, my computer starts to act fucked up and the video actually moves in slow motion for several seconds. Really? Fuck you Dell.

She deepthroats him and he puts her in some sort of headlock with his legs. I think he's trying to choke her out and put an end to this madness but she's an athlete. No luck. Can't begrudge him for trying though.

- SCENE 4 -

Threesome time. Chyna, another girl, and a guy. The other girl is reasonably cute, but it's a moot point. My dick has already gone on strike. I'd have better luck getting an erection at Aschwitz right now.

The guy and the other girl damn near ignore Chyna in this scene, at least as much as they can. I'm pretty sure the other girl never once even lays a hand, much less a tongue, anywhere below Chyna's neck. The dude isn't so lucky and the paycheck demands he at least give both of the ladies somewhat equal treatment. When he's not fucking the cute blonde, he's watching her and clearly trying to ignore the horrendous furry canyon he's falling into dick-first.

Scene ends about the way most of these scenes do. Guy busts a load on 4 tits, Chyna makes "fuck me" eyes at the camera while the other chick makes "pay me" eyes at the camera.

- SCENE 5 -

Final scene, but they're not gonna let me get out of this unscathed. This is another threesome, this time....2 guys, 1 Chyna. Just what this porn needed to make me less aroused: more dingalings.

These guys give it their best shot though. They muster up as much enthusiasm as one can when entering a war zone and it's nearly convincing. Considering she's already done anal in this movie, I was bracing myself for the inevitable double penetration, but it never happened. Sequel anyone? I guess you can't give everything away in the first movie.

Mercifully, this atrocity ends in the usual way and I have another surreal moment of realizing one of the celebrities of my youth is taking jizzbombs on the chin for a living now.

Kill me.


m said...

It's about time this blog started tackling some important subject matter. A+++++ would read again.

Snoballz said...

Somehow I missed this review when it was originally posted. Guess I've got some downloading to get to.

Snoballz said...

Against better judgment, I watched some scenes from this DVD. I am still not entirely convinced she’s not a man.

ChrisWalken said...

The size of that clit is no coincidence, she IS/WAS a man! ;)

Absolutely hilarious review and I love every paragraph. I would probably have cut the Auschwitz reference on editing, but hey, Chyna is a trainwreck of sub-porn proportions and so I can see why you left it in.

If you actually watched all five scenes through, every second, then I seriously salute you. I had to skip.

From the first moment a cock entered her, she didn't look comfortable. I think that was partially down to the fact that porn these days seems to seriously lack lube, and as these poor women inevitably don't get turned on, there ain't no natural lubing going on. Spit is not only a bit of a gross substitute, but also inadequate. In fact, Chyna spent so much time looking uncomfortable at having dicks or dildo's shoved in her pussy, I just couldn't wait to see her try and take something of substance in the ass. She didn't disappoint. Shaving rashed porker looked like she was taking a red hot poker, and I bet it felt like it it too. Lube? Not a chance. Man must she need the cash...

Wisconsin-Illinois Paranormal said...

"Also, she has a huge scar on her stomach, but to the best of my knowledge (and Wikipedia), has no kids. Maybe she just got a C-section for the thrill? Is that what the kids are into these days?"

She had a cancerous tumor removed in her late teens.

Bing said...

Hilarious review. Im surprised you didnt say something about her taking a "shot to the face."

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