Murderdeathkill: Family Car Decals

I was on the hunt on Amazon for this. It’s awesome, no?

Then I came across this.  Those words were taken from my mouth. And I just nodded, “Yes. That.”  

And that is why I am about to sit everyone down. Parents. Grandparents. Everyone. Have a fucking seat because we need to talk and this has been a long time coming. If I happen to offend, this is something you need to hear. And if anyone out there ever lets my opinion influence them in any way, you are doing it wrong.

Not a single fuck will ever be given about your stick figure family. Sure, it’s cute. But here is the thing; it’s not cute. You just think it’s cute. Everyone else thinks they are insufferable, tacky and beyond annoying and we are all sick of looking at them in traffic. I can’t throw an empty PBR can out the window (I would never) without hitting some fucking asshole with their family portrait in plastic, decal form. And the ones with the family pets are the worst.

So dad windsurfs and mom shops. Thanks, dick.

So not only is everyone subjected to how many mother fucking kids you have but now we have to learn about your pets as well? Why does this exist? Why do overbearing, crazy parents need to idolize their entire family with a vinyl sticker? It’s absurd and the least sincere form of family pride I think I have ever fucking seen.

And while we are on the subject of car stickers…

This. Right here.

Enough.

Let me tell you a little story about these car stickers:

I think they are stupid (duh). I was behind a soccer mom one day about a year ago with my friend and blog contributer, Jim. The mom in front of us had two stickers. One was for a girl with her name underneath a ballerina shoe. Adorable (no). The other was for a boy by the name of Chance (not really, but I needed an obnoxious suburban boy name). The picture above Chance’s name was of a child reading a book. And here is where I decided I had had about enough with these stickers. 

We immediately both laughed at the absurdity of having both of your children’s names on your car, as not to play favorites, but what do you do when one of your children is good at nothing? (I will ask my parents this the next time I see them.) Is it really necessary to put both kid’s name on your car when one of them dances and one of them reads? Chance is a great kid and he sure he loves his comic books. He can’t dance or play any sport but he reads like a CHAMP! We went on with this for longer than we actually should have, that dead horse took all kinds of beatings. It was funny at the time and we both chuckled heartily. But I have to say, the kid reading the book looked familiar. Where had I seen that before???

Later that same day I was in Walgreens buying a few necessities (Red Bull, candy) when I see that same kid reading a book…on something for charity…for St Jude. St Jude’s logo is a child reading a book.

Yep. I inadvertently made fun of a child with cancer. I reached a new low that day.

However, I don’t exactly take this as my fault, it’s those fucking stickers, man. They get me down. I don’t need to know your child’s favorite sport (most of which I doubt those kids even play) or their favorite hobby or whatever. You people are making me learn things while driving, things about strangers kids that I don’t care about, and I hate that.

And why, all of a sudden, is every car you see have something or another boasting their children and their favorite thing to do? It’s like a plague. A plague of douchecanoe twatwaffle parents whose lives revolve around their children. Where is the end to this insanity? I saw one the other day with a tuba on it with a kids name underneath. Way to go, Spencer. You play the fucking tuba. You just told me to avoid ever going to your home because I bet your parents are going to make you play it for me. But you know, Spencer? I don’t blame you. I blame your parents. Your parents and their gloating disguised as pride.

I think the only sticker of this kind that I could ever tolerate would be a picture of an Xbox or a television or something else reclusive and nerdy with a kids name underneath. That sticker says everything about those parents that I ever wanted to know. Those parents are saying “Yeah, so your kid plays soccer. Way to go? My kid plays Xbox, and I just don’t give a fuck and I love them anyway so fuck off.” Those kinds of parents I could get behind, in traffic or otherwise.

I don’t think those stickers exist just yet so I am saying now that I came up with the idea. Write that down. Send me money when it catches on.  Thank you.