Thursday, June 23, 2011

This week on Facebook: Father's Day Fuckery

"Viggo from Ghostbusters 2 is in Memphis and is wanted for selling drugs...guess being a ghost was easier."

With anyone else this would be TMI but with this particular person, ROFLMAO = Prettty sure a massacre just took place in my hospital room. Blood evvverrrywherreee.

The only two Father’s Day statuses that didn’t make me cringe:

- Thanks for not pulling out, dad. Happy Father’s Day.

- Just ate half a pan of sister Schubert rolls for lunch. Fuck off, it’s father’s day. Don’t judge me.

And speaking of Father’s Day, here is the thing: Is it really necessary to wish your father a HFD when he doesn’t even have a facebook? What is the point in that? It’s kind of like wishing your small children happy birthday on your status before they can even read. Are they ever going to know? Would they even care? My dad doesn’t have a facebook (thankfully!) but even if he did and I was to wish him a HFD on it, he would laugh at me and tell me I was being stupid and a little phony, and he would have probably said so on that status. Just saying…

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) –

STOP making up LIES about ME and spreading them around. Everyone has to answer to GOD someday and ur NO exception. YOU KNOW WHO U ARE: I say UU AND YOU SAY ME--!! – this person is 29-years-old, not 16. And even for a 16-year-old this is fucking ridiculous. I will never stop being amazed at people putting their drama on blast (I just said “on blast”) for all the world to see. You might as well post a status that says, “I’m a drama-filled dumbass that wants attention, please message me and ask about it.”

Statuses Done Right:

- Wishes Pink and Taylor Swift would stop making music.

- Waiting in line at Krystals. There’s this chick with half her ass hanging out of her tiny onesie…and she keeps pulling it down like it makes a difference. Honey, you aren’t helping anything.

- I’ve had friends die and been cheating on by girlfriends, but there’s no heartbreak on earth comparable to seeing that there’s an Angry Birds app update, only to click on it and find out that it’s just bug fixes and not new levels.

- Lunch time. Trying to eat healthier. What’s the best lettuce to put on a donut?

- Lot of people at the New Kids/ Backstreet Boys concert tonight but not me. I’m holding out for the Menudo/ Right Said Fred show.

- Wheel of Fortune tryouts at the Desoto Civic Center today. Kinda want to go, but why bother? My spelling skills are top-notch, but my wheel spinning abilities are poop.

- Remember that one time when Creed was popular? What was weird, right? Were we drunk?

- I’ve lived in Memphis for years but I’ve never torn da club up or walked up 2 yo’ house, knocked on yo’ do’ and blowed yo’ ass off. I also haven’t hooked up with any chicken heads on the late night tip. Starting to think I’m not as cool as I thought I was.

- Roid rage just kicked in. Full Force. Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife. Benoit has been reincarnated.

- Crazy screaming cat lady is being crazy and screaming like a cat again. Just thought you all should know!

- Dude. Pain meds + benedryl + power rangers on tv =

- First complain of the day at 7:08am: “Is there anything you can do about the sun being so bright?” Umm no, im just a mortal man.

- Heck yeah constipated at work!

- Cum on  my cat’s face once, shame on me…

- Hahaha ok which one of my friend’s events is this? “Wish Pokemon Were Real Day” Friday, November 11


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