Thursday, June 9, 2011

You're Welcome Theater: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Can it be “You’re Welcome Theater” if I didn’t like the movie I am talking about and I would advise everyone to not watch it?

I don’t know how many times I have mentioned on this blog that I refuse to watch The Human Centipede. Well, I finally watched it.

Just look at that for a minute...that's the whole movie. The end.

I have never seen Two Girls, One Cup but I have heard about it and that was more than enough. I have never had any desire to watch it as I would for real vomit. So I just listened to the brief, very vague description that Daniel gave it, “Yeah, don’t watch it. You will hate yourself and all of humanity. Just don’t watch it.” Then he told me what it was along with the description “Bill Cosby's chocolate pudding nightmare gone awry” and I agreed to not watch it and I have been happy with this decision.

I came to that same exact decision when dealing with The Human Centipede. I learned what it was about and what happens and I decided for myself that I did not want to watch that movie. And then I’ll be damned if I wasn’t forced to watch that movie.

Forced is a strong word, I think. It was suggested to me via Michael that since neither of us had seen it that we could watch it together. So Tuesday night we sat down, brought up Netflix instant, and we started to watch this fucking movie. For anyone that is trying to avoid any spoilers for this movie, stop reading now. I am about to spoil the shit out of some shit (literally).

Okay so this crazy, creepy madman used to be a world renowned German (of course) surgeon that used to separate Siamese twins. I guess he got so sick of separating them that he wanted to conjoin a few??? I don’t know. So he starts out with his three pet Rottweilers or, “My Sweet Three Dog” as he calls it. Yes, he did it with dogs first. I don’t know which one is worse or more fucked up that he did this to dogs or humans.

So he joins three dogs ass to mouth and then the dog(s) dies so he now he wants to try it with humans because of course he does. So he finds two dumb American bitches (because of course they are) and an Asian dude that speaks no English to be the centipede head, so to speak. And the rest of the movie is three people sewn together ass to mouth (take a second to think about that. Sewn. Ass to mouth. Let that simmer) and Crazy German Madman treating them as his pet even…feeding time. Sigh. Here is where it gets gross and where to I had to look away and plug my ears…

You see…the whole point (?) of this experiment (?) is so the feces of the first one can then feed the other people involved. Meaning, yeah, you have to swallow some shit. And the back two people, all they get is shit. The first one eats regular food then poops as people do, then the second one eats the poop and then the third one eats the ingested poop of the first via the second. This is where my entire issue with this movie lies. It’s gross and so, so fucked up.  Imagine living a day of your life with your mouth sewn to anyone’s asshole. It sounds terrible, yes? Absolute complete and utter “Seriously, you need to kill me now” misery. And if you did survive that hell, how would you even live a semi-normal life after that? You couldn’t. You would be fucked up for a long time for sure.

I would love to tell you how it ends, if I had watched it long enough. I did not. For a movie to be so fucked up that even I won’t finish it, you know it is fucked up. I checked the time left on the movie before it was turned off and we still had a good 30 minutes left. Thirty minutes that I had zero intention of ever watching.

So there you have it, I watched The Human Centipede (First Sequence) and now I hate myself. There is a sequel coming out with 12 people in the “centipede” so someone else out there can tell me how that movie went. I read the synopsis and I just…I can’t…no. Just, no…


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