Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Secret Shames (if you were ever going to judge me...)

Okay, look, I am not talking about the things that you like or do that you have no shame in. I have all kinds of Guilty Pleasures that I admit to right before I tell you to go suck it.

For instance. You can go ahead and make fun of me for liking Britney Spears and owning the majority of her albums. You can call me an asshole for wanting to have Justin Timberlake’s curly headed talented babies. Go ahead and judge me for when Nsync shuffles on the Ipod and it gets turned up considerably. Amanda Bynes? Love her and I love her movies, with our without Channing Tatum. For real. Harry Potter? He’s awesome. If I had Gryffindor robes, I’d wear them. Go ahead and poke fun. I don’t care. You will find no shame here for any of these things. I will admit to them proudly.

I also don’t know how to ride a bike or swim. Both of these things should make me feel like a lesser human for not knowing how to do them but it doesn’t. I couldn’t care less and I also don’t care what anyone thinks about it.

This isn’t about guilty pleasures, it’s about secret shames. Boatloads of shame. Things that you do that you try to keep from the public as much as possible. Things that cause people to stare at you quizzically for a moment while they reevaluate why they keep you around.

As confident as I am in my bad movie/ music/ life choices there are a few things that I find myself slightly ashamed of. And it’s not even because of how other people perceive them, it’s because of how I perceive them, which is badly. You can go ahead and judge me for these things. I don’t blame you:

The Real Housewives of Wherever – I watch them all no matter where the housewives come from. It’s all ridiculously rich bitches with stupid, catty, rich people problems. I eat that shit up. I was against this show for a very long time. My sister who has the worst taste in media ever watches it and I would make fun of her relentlessly for it. However, one day I was sitting there with her and watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I sat there and watched the entire episode without even knowing it. I was transfixed. I can’t even call it a train wreck. That would be an insult to train wreck victims. I can’t even put into words why I watch this shit. But I do and I love it.  (Suggestion to Bravo: I love watching people with insane amounts of money as it is not something that I will ever have or be around but maybe could you do a Real Housewives where the people are like…middle class? That is something that I would watch. Those are real, actual housewives. Camille Grammar has two nannies for each of her kids, two nannies does not a real housewife make.)

I still go to the tanning bed – I know, I know. It’s horrible for you and I will look like Leatherface himself in a few years but I can’t help it. I don’t go that often and I never get to the point where I am orange but I still go on occasion. I look better tan, I just do. I have always had dark circles under my eyes and when I am pale they are way more pronounced than usual and tanning every once in a while keeps them at bay. I’m shallow and vapid. I’m fine with it.

John Tucker Must Die – I have seen this movie way more times than I will ever admit to anyone. Ever.

I can’t spell the word “restaurant” – I don’t think I have ever gotten it right the first time either.  

Every time I am at a bookstore and I am looking for a certain book I have to sing the Alphabet Song to figure out where exactly to look – Hi, I am a moron that doesn’t know the alphabet. I won’t even mention how many times I catch myself counting on my fingers.

There are many, many more but this is all I am comfortable admitting at the moment.

And if anyone out there wants to share their own personal secret shames, there is a comment section for that. Share on, sharer.


D.P. said...

- Britney music: hey, I like Katy Perry, what do I know?
- I'D have Timberlake's babies so you're only an asshole for that if you cockblock me.
- N'
- Amanda Bynes is a terrible actress dude...
- There is no shame in Harry Potter
- I can't swim either, but riding a bike? C'mon yo, it's fun AND healthy exercise.
- Real Housewives...ew. You're part of the problem.
- Tanning bad = no. You're supposed to be the nerdy hippie chick, be pale like the rest of us. It's becoming of you.
- John Tucker Must Die, never saw it, can't say
- Restuarant, I always fuck up the UA in the middle. You're not alone.
- Bookstore alphabet, what the fuck?

I'm sharing nothing, other than this: I really, really like the song "Uninvited" by Alanis Morissette.

Dusty Nelson said...

If I am flipping channels and any of the Harry Potters are on I won't be moving until the end.

Other horrible shows I don't have to will power to stop watching once I begin.....
Animal Hoarders
Jersey Shore
Jerseylicious (almost as good as Jersey Shore)
Teen Mom

All these shows are about people from another planet and they make me feel better about myself.

You can't swim or ride a bike? Are you fucking retarded?

Please continue with the tanning. EVERYBODY looks better with a tan. Who gives a shit if you have leatherface when you are old? Nobody will be checking you out anymore because you are OLD.

Secrets? I am deathly afraid of needles and blood. Once in high school I had to get a shot in the butt. Of course I was in high school so my mother accompanied me to the doctor. The nurse which happened to be very attractive came into the room to give me the shot. I unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down so she could give me the shot. After she gave me the shot I passed out and fell on the floor. My mother and the nurse had to pick me up with my pants around my ankles.

Stacey Garrett said...

Dusty I now think less of your conservative ass for watching Jersey Shore. Jersey fucking Shore?! Are you kidding me? Disgusting.

I watch Hoarders and Intervention as well. It is part of my "Things aren't so bad" Monday. They both make me feel better about myself. Did you see the one last night with the 2,000 rats?! What was that about? And was it just me or did the guy that had the rats seem to be somewhat normal? Well as normal as a guy that has 2,000 rats as pets can be.

Sherrie Bee Bop said...

I'm using Peezy's format here...

- Britney music: She has some great workout tunes. But yeah I have a lot of her songs on my iPod and I rarely workout.
- Yeah JT is where it's at.
- N'Sync was my very first concert. I wore a baby blue shirt because it was JT's favorite color, and I STILL have his autographed picture and the ticket somewhere at my dad's house.
- Amanda Bynes gets on my goddamn nerves. I dunno why. Sorry.
- There is no shame in Harry Potter - agreed, but I stopped caring after the 4th book. Just lost interest.
- I can swim, but bikes scare the shit out of me. Broke my foot while riding one when I was 11, never got back on. Probably never will. I'm clumsy and extremely uncoordinated so I'd probably break my fucking face next time and that's just not a risk I'm willing to take.
- Real Housewives - THIS is how I feel about Jersey Shore. I hate myself for watching it, but I absolutely cannot look away. It's fucking pathetic, but God I love to hate it.
- Tanning bad = I stopped tanning, but every once in a while, I like it. I still lay out during the summer and like to tan during the winter when I'm all fat and depressed. But skin cancer runs in our pale, Irish family, so I have majorly cut back. Chances are I'll die of lymphoma or my butt disease long before skin cancer eats me alive. Orrr the glaucoma will take away my eye sight and I won't give a shit how leathery I look.
- John Tucker Must Die is a fantastic movie. I <3 you for <3ing this.
- Restuarant - I see what you did there Peezy. At least I hope you did that on purpose. Fucking idiots. I am fine with restaurant, but for the longest time I thought furniture had an A in it. Don't ask.
- Bookstore alphabet - I do this sometimes too, and I suck at simple math. Complicated algebra/calculus that I can work out on paper? I'm fine. But ask me what 25% off $20 is and I'll still be there when the discount store closes.

Now for my secrets! Hanson is not a secret, so I won't even mention it.

I confuse the number 5 and the letter F when writing. If I want to write a 5, I write an F, probably because five starts with F and let's face it, they kinda start out the same when you're writing it. I always wondered if this makes me slightly dyslexic. I had a teacher once ask me if I was dyslexic. She didn't so much ask as she screamed at me in class and called me dyslexic and retarded. I told my mom and got the bitch fired. Take that, you 5ucking asshole.

That's the only one I can think of.

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