Wednesday, September 30, 2009

All the Single Ladies

Since I am doing book reviews I might as well do movie reviews. I love movies and I am an avid fan of Netflix, so let’s do this.


You know with Netflix when there are no movies left for you to see that are new so you have a “might as well” list? It’s in your queue and at times you forget to update it or move any movie to the top, so you get a random movie in the mail one day and you watch it just for the hell of it? That is what Obsessed was. 

Obsessed is the movie with Ali Larter of the whipped cream bikini fame and Beyonce of single ladies fame to make a bastardized sub-par version of Fatal Attraction. The only difference (besides the boiling of bunnies) is the husband, Derrick (who is actually Charles from The Office, whom we hated for replacing Michael for a short time) has no guilt in the matter.

Ali Larter plays Lisa, the psycho temp from Derrick’s office who falls for Derrick and tries to replace his wife Sharon (Beyonce).  That’s the entire plot. There is no complicated storyline here.  What you see is actually what you get.  I could tell you how the movie ends 15 minutes into it. And the acting, do I even need to comment? Larter can only play one role. The role of the seductive annoying chick.  Her role in Heroes is one of the reasons why I don’t watch it anymore. And Beyonce needs to stick to dancing in leotards, work with what you know, I say. 

The start of the movie, mild flirting happens between Lisa and Derrick.  The warning signs are all there, but Derrick being a man is oblivious to them and goes on about his day.  The hormones hit the fan when Lisa tries to molest Derrick at the company Christmas party where (of course, and inexplicably) no spouses are allowed.  She follows him into the men’s room and all hell breaks loose. 

At this point, in my opinion, Derrick has every right to grab Lisa by the hair, yank her outside to the rest of the party and say, “Yeah, so she tried to rape me.”  That’s justified to me.  Does he do this? Of course not.  He doesn’t sleep with her or lead her on.  He just has the unfortunate luck of having a psycho for an assistant. 

If you are completely innocent and you can see the obvious crazy eyes (to me, she doesn’t even have crazy eyes, she has dead eyes) in the office temp who wants to get in your pants my first course of action would be....Anyone? Anyone?  TELL YOUR WIFE! If you have nothing to hide, tell your wife everything. Then, tell Human Resources.  You just saved your job and your marriage in about ten minutes time. Tah Dah!!! It really is that simple. If you don’t want to appear guilty, tell someone. It’s as simple as that.

But that wouldn’t make a very interesting movie would it?

Things get out of hand, as they always do in bad movies, and Lisa ends up trying to kill herself in Derrick’s work retreat hotel room because she can’t have him.  He finds her dying in the bed and takes her to the hospital where everything comes out and his wife and job want him gone. Saw that one coming. How could THAT have been avoided???

Lisa recuperates and Derrick and Sharon reunite and everything is just peachy, they go on a date and Lisa comes to their home while the babysitter is there and takes their child. 

Hold it right there...

One, this child is DUMB.  I have no children but I do have nephews who are pretty dang smart. If some crazy bitch comes into their room and wants them to go with her into the night their first question, I have no doubt, would be “Who the fuck are you?” They are my nephews, what can I say? They don’t know this person and their second reaction would be screaming for the babysitter, that they do know, to stab someone. Or they would forget the babysitter altogether and they would employ their Power Ranger moves and drop kick her where she stood.  

Two, what kind of babysitter is this? If a crazy stalker was after my husband and she was watching my child, maybe let her know. If someone you don’t know comes to the door, give the parents a ring. Problem solved.  

Of course none of this happened. Derrick and Sharon get an alarm system and forget the entire thing ever happened. 

What would I do???

I would say to David, “Where is your biggest gun?” and when that gun wasn’t big enough I would mosey on down to Wal-mart to find a bigger one. You know the elephant gun that Reba McEntire has in Tremors (I am SO Netflixing Tremors right now) I would need something that big. I would keep it on my person at all times.  I would then wait at the front door to blow her brains out. Done. Movie over. 

This doesn’t happen.  Sharon comes home to find Lisa in Derrick’s old football jersey in their martial bed and Sharon then beats Lisa down. 

Could I survive in a fight such as this? Probably. I have an older sister and we fought often. Christy was always in much better shape and she had a good four years on me but she was never a match in a fight. Christy may me stronger than me and in much better shape, but I am meaner. In any small fight we ever had, I got the upper hand because I was always so mean. We never really had any Thunderdome type fight to the death.  I was never that pissed at her and she would quit once I had her on the ground, so it never came to bloodshed.  But if I ever was in a fight, even with a person who was far beyond my physical prowess, I am full of enough piss and vinegar to hold my own, or at least I think so. 

Lisa gets a few good hits in but in the end, Lisa falls through the attic floor onto the glass coffee table. This doesn’t kill her but the falling chandelier does. 

Movie over.  

This movie is full of flaws and gaping plot holes but I didn’t expect much from a movie starring a Tyra Collete wannabee and Beyonce, queen of the catchy pop hits. And I loved entertaining bad movies, but this was not one of them. It’s just a bad movie. 


Lisa said...

I haven't seen this one but a great review...I suspected as much from it.

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