But, Seriously, I Need New Clothes...

Worrying.

The unemployed do a fair amount of worrying.  I am a worrier anyway (thanks for that, mom) but not having a job or a steady income adds to this worrying considerably. 

You may think I worry about big things. How will I put food on the table? How will I pay the cable bill? How will I keep my home heated and cooled (in all seriousness, David and I could probably get by without heating for an entire winter. Air conditioning? Not so much)?  Can I keep my dogs in shots and dog food? 

The answer to all of these things is yes. I can do all of these things, at least for a little while. We have 3 fully stocked freezers so we will not go hungry and when those are empty, David can just go shoot something else. (FYI, I haven’t bought any bread or any bread related product in over a month) I am unworried about the aforementioned things...for now. 

I worry about far more important things:

How am I going to buy a new fall wardrobe? I need new jeans, how can I afford them? I really wanted a new computer, will I ever get one? Will I be able to buy a new fall purse? The third season of 30 Rock comes out soon, how can I obtain that?

These are the selfish, shitty things that keep me up at night; how I am going to clothe myself and keep myself entertained.  

Mostly I just worry about what the frick I am going to do for a living. I look for jobs every day. I have yet to hear back from any of them. However if I want to be a telemarketer or sell life insurance, I am all set. I want to do neither of those things. 

I had a job just to have a job for a very long time and I am hoping it doesn’t come to this.  But if I have to, I have to. 

People keep telling me to be a writer. Yes, that is all well and good and that is what I would love to do. But Stephen King isn’t Stephen King overnight. 

Writing is what I have always wanted to be and planned to be I just had no clue of how to be one. Well being a “writer” isn’t exactly the issue. Anyone can be a writer, I would like for it to my career. How does one do this without welfare and government cheese?

I also have a fear that I will sit down to actually write something substantial and I will fail miserably. I will write something mediocre (I have written a lot of mediocre garbage that will never, ever be seen by human eyes) 

However, there are a ton of mediocre writers out there that took their mediocrity to the bank. Stephanie Meyer comes to mind. No doubt the Twilight books were entertaining, but she is a terrible writer. And if it weren’t for millions of horny teens (and housewives) on the planet, she would be a terrible poor writer. Even while I was reading those dang books (I quit mid #4, it got too ludicrious for me to not hate myself for continuing to read) I was thinking to myself, “Wowza, she is an awful writer.” 

Then there is Alice Sebold. Sigh. Okay, I know that The Lovely Bones was a best seller and it got rave reviews and all of that, but it was awful. She had no clue of who her characters are and they change from page to page.  And not a one of them had any redeeming qualities.  I was rooting for George Harvey to kill them all by about chapter 10. If you can make me care about your characters and care about what happens to them, bravo, you did you job as an author. 

And, I may be mistaken, but I know that while I was at Target the other day, I saw a book by Lauren Conrad. Like LC from The Hills and Laguna Beach fame. Yeah. I could be wrong, it may not be THAT Lauren Conrad, but if it is, color me disturbed. 

Anyhoo, I worry that I am not that good to begin with and people are just being nice. I fear everyone is giving me a false sense of entitlement and I really suck out loud. 

I am also worried that my creativity might be completely spent. I am getting on in years, you know. I might end up with something like “See Spot run” and I think that has actually already been taken. 

I am being told not to worry and that everything will eventually work out but in the meantime what do I do? Use the same fall purse from last year???? Unheard of...