If Cookies Don't Get Me Hired, My Boobs Will

Resume Perfecting (Fake and Real)

BLAH. The word “resume” (as in that thing you put together to get another job not as in continue what you were doing) strikes an uneasy, about-to-vomit reflex, to me at least. 

I have never needed a resume until now and when faced with the task of actually creating one, I was lost. And, to be honest, sort of annoyed at having to do this in the first place. Annoyed at what? Not really sure. Maybe annoyed that people aren’t lined up to hire me (how dare they!).

I went on Monster and filled out all the blanks and that was the template for my resume. I didn’t have much else to add to this and I really didn’t know what to add. Thankfully, I have friends who deal with resumes and they were happy to jazz it up for me. It was much, much appreciated.

But then I got to thinking; Why do resumes have to be so formal and boring? This does not show what sort of person I am or what I can even do, really. Sure it shows the countless computer programs that I am capable of operating but they don’t know how good I am it. I guess that is what my portfolio is for. 

Can’t I just say the things that I want to say about what type of chick I am and how I would be to work with? Isn’t that what people really want to know in an interview? I have no doubt that I can do whatever job is offered to me, and I know I can do that job well, but how am I as a person? Here is my Fantasy Resume. The resume that companies SHOULD ask for when hiring anyone:

Stacey Garrett Logan

Job Title: Being Awesome

Years Experience: My Whole Life

Skills: Kicking Ass. Taking Names.

Objective:

To have a job that I enjoy and doesn’t make me want to kill myself.  

Qualifications: 

I am super qualified, for anything. For real. I could do any job you would ever need done.  Of the many computer programs that I can operate, I have taught myself each and every one of them in record time. If your company requires me to manipulate a computer program that I have never seen before, give me 2 days and I will rock your face off. 

So, like, why hire me: 

I am a cool girl, and I have been told I am fun to work with. Isn’t that what is most important? To spend an entire work day with someone who you don’t mind hanging around?  When the opportunity strikes, I can also be very entertaining.  I excel at story telling especially when the story contains my family or my friends. I like to laugh and my level of Goof is off the charts when time and opportunity permits. 

I am a hard worker. I worked for the same company for 10 plus years and in that time I worked in every single department. In those departments I worked hard and I always got the job done well and it was done in time. And most of those years I only worked part time and STILL outworked the full timers. 

I am a good cook and excellent baker. I can give you a long list of references that can vouch for this fact. I also like to bring treats to work to share with my coworkers on a random basis. Who doesn’t love treats?! Can you say, “Increase company morale”?

I am pretty giving. For every holiday, if I like you, be prepared to receive a “happy” from me. Usually consisting of childish trinkets and loads of candy. And if you have any sort of pop culture obsession, be prepared to be inundated with said paraphernalia. 

I am creative thanks in no small part to my love for reading, television and movies.  Every creative aspect from my former company for the past five years was solely created by me. Coworkers even came to me with personal requests as well and I was happy to use my creative skills to help a dude out. 

I am smart. This resume should prove that. 

I am unemployed. I need a job. Mostly because I would like to keep a roof over my small family’s heads and, to be honest, I need cable and I enjoy my fair share of trips to amazon.com. I also like to be occupied for the majority of the day and job helps with that considerably.

So hire me. I promise you will not regret it. Be ready to receive a pat on the back from each of your superiors.  They will recognize the genius in you for hiring me. I’ve seen it happen and it could happen to you.