One Happy Hooker

Today I am choosing to use this here blog for self promotion. YAY self promotion and broke assness! (I did a pretty good job of luring you in with a vague subject, didn't I?)

As most of you know, I am an avid/ obsessive crocheter. It is one of my favorite things in the world to do. And if you crochet, you are going to need to buy yarn from time to time. I used to buy a lot of yarn that I had no future projects to use it with. None. I would buy it and keep it for some unknown reason. It has occurred to me, long ago (like a month) that I am a yarn hoarder. I have oodles of yarn just sitting there waiting to be used and no one to enjoy it, and this is where you come in.

$50 afghans! Yes, you read that correctly. $50.00 will buy you a hand stitched afghan made by me. One of a kind. No one else in the world will have one like yours, I assure you.

$50 is a lot of money (Trust me, I am a broke person, I know this) so maybe go halfsies with your sibling/ cousin/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ dad, etc and buy one for that special someone that is so beyond an asshole to buy for.

Take my dad for instance: I hate buying him anything. For Father’s Day and his birthday he gets exactly what he asks for, not a damn thing. I do feel badly when Christmas rolls around, though.  I feel like I should make an effort to get him something so last year I made him a blanket with skulls on it, this one right here:

He loved it. He didn’t say in so many words that it was the best gift that he has ever received, but it was implied. My point is, there is no one on planet Earth that doesn’t love a blanket and there is also no one in the entire galaxy that doesn’t like a handmade gift. No one. I’m pretty tight with aliens and they agreed, they love the handmade stuff. BAM! Perfect gift! Your gift worries are over.

Plus, it is one affordable ass gift. I have checked Etsy.com and their prices on afghans and they range from $80 to $200+. This is just $50. Buy one.

You have three styles to choose from:

Stripes (5’ x 4’) – I have provided you with an image of a striped blanket in case you are a water-head retard and you don’t know what stripes are. But, hey, mentally challenged people both get cold and they have cash. This one is a good bit bigger than 5’ x 4’ but you get the gist. And I can thinner stripes, obviously.

Giant

Granny Square

(5’ x 5’) -  The Granny square is the traditional square and motif of crocheting.  It’s classic and super fun. Also, if you aren’t down with a heavy blanket, the granny square provides you with blanket coverage with about 70% blanket warmth. Sometimes I like the heavy feeling of a blanket, without the suffocation of warmth. This is ideal for that.

Wild Card (won’t be any smaller than 5’ x 4’) – This means that I can do whatever I want and you will have to love it. Whenever I make something for someone, I try and make it in their personality. I know what this person likes, I know their style, I can pretty much guess what they would like. I am an artist at that. People who crochet or knit are, in fact, artists and I am pretty great one.

Gimme your color scheme, or you can let me pick. Whatever. I can do sports teams if you are into that sort of thing. School colors. Your favorite color. Every color of the rainbow. Whatever. If you love green and you want something in nothing but shades of green. DONE! I can make that shit work.  

So buy one. It will go to getting rid of lots and lots of yarn that I need to get rid of and it will also help cut down some of my enormous debt I accumulated when I was unemployed for a year. Support the perpetually broke. I have already sold FIVE! You can be the sixth. Don’t you want to be the sixth?

It’s a win/ win/ win/ win/ win – there is no one that doesn’t win in this situation.

Yes you WILL have this by Christmas. I am already 1/3 of the way finished with my first order (thanks, Aunt Phyllis, you’re beautiful) and I started it Friday. I have all kinds of time and mad skills.

If you are interested in purchasing an afghan please contact me at hello.stacey@gmail.com. I take cash, check and Paypal. Thank you and good evening.

Seriously, I am super good at this, I made that shit: